I am not overly enthused about the idea of visitors after right after baby is born. I tend to be one of those people that DOES NOT want to be around anyone when I dont feel good. DH was even included in this category until I learned to trust him a bit (taking care of me while I had the WORST case ever of the stomach flu and being nothing but sweet the whole time helped get me there!) To make things worse I am a really light sleeper and know I will not relax or sleep with people coming in and out. I am not saying I dont EVER want visitors I just want to have some quiet time to rest and bond with the baby afterwards so I really want to limit visitors until we are ready, perhaps several hours later or even the next day for some people.This even includes grandparents and close relatives. My problem is this: I know my parents will be respectful of this, as a matter of fact they did it voluntarily for my brother and his wife but I am worried about my in-laws, siblings, aunts and uncles and other friends. I have already gotten some push back and rude comments from people who are apparently offended with the fact that I want a little time to rest afterwards and I am pretty sure if my inlaws had it their way they would be waiting outside the door for me to FINALLY give birth. So here is my question: am I being a huge jerk by wanting some alone time? How do I gently express this to people without offending them?
Who knows when the time rolls around I may be so high off adrenaline and or feel terrific and want everyone and their mother to come see my beautiful baby but on the off chance that I want a bit of a break I want to be prepared!
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You are not a jerk at all for wanting that! Do you mean in the hospital, like literally, right after giving birth? I wouldn't want anyone either. Could you say the hospital has a policy of waiting a few hours for visitors? Or just not call anyone until you are ready? My situation is different because no one is really close enough that they could come quickly anyway, everyone has a few hours drive.
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You're not a jerk at all! It's a really sensitive time. I made grandparents wait until late that afternoon (I gave birth at 5:00 am) and everybody else had to wait a week. It was fine and people were happy to give us space to rest. I have zero regrets!
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I just wouldn't tell anyone you were at the hospital until you're ready for visitors
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We had visitors coming and going constantly and parents his hanging out in the room. It made it impossible to get any rest. This time around I'm just going to say costing hours are this time to this time and that's end of story.
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I wish I asked people to wait. I gave birth at 3:39 AM and visitors started arriving after lunch. It was overwhelming for me.
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@tillma: home? hospital? both?
The day after I had DS my parents and brother came to see me in the hospital. I was a hot mess. I was very sick after giving birth and had a thousand IVs. DS had a collapsed lung and was in the Level II nursery on oxygen, and no one but the parents could go in there.At home I was so banged up from the delivery, just learning to get comfortable and breastfeed every hour on the hour, and I was SUPER protective of who was around DS, it was flu season and he had compromised lungs.
I know people were disappointed but oh well. -
I don't blame you. I don't mind family visiting, but only for a short time and then they can leave. I'm not sure how it will actually go...it's my families first grandkid, so they'll want to be there 24/7, but my ILs 8th, but they like to be around (we also live above them-it's been a rough day with them, as a side note lol). I know we want to put rules in place, but we'll see.
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Nope, not at all! I was the same way. I wanted to bond w/ just the baby and DH and didn't want a bunch of visitors. Have you talked to your husband about it? Remember, it's YOUR baby. If people don't like it, they'll get over it.
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You aren't a jerk and have to do what is best for you! We asked for very few visitors due to her being in the NICU & only immediate family was allowed to hold her (her grandparents, aunts/uncles, and my best friend.) otherwise it was hands off until we were home a week later!
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I do not blame you one bit. In fact, I'm trying to figure out how to navigate the visitation waters for my own birth. Our hospital has quiet hours from 1-3 p.m., but I think I'm going to ask that only immediate family visit in the hospital in the morning and leave by 6 p.m. and that everyone else wait 1-2 weeks to allow me to heal and rest.
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You are not a jerk! My MIL, and her sister were with me (and SO) during the entire labor, until the moment it was time to push. So they (the ladies) were waiting outside the hospital and then didn't come in my room for about an hour and a half after to allow me time for skin to skin and the first breastfeeding session. I don't think I wanted anyone to come visit until the next day afternoon and I had her the previous afternoon. Some people seemed offended but I really wanted us to have our space. It is a very special time and it is time you will never get back. Enjoy YOUR time with the baby while you are in the privacy of the hospital. Do NOT feel bad! They really don't have a choice so let them be upset...I mean really.. It might sound rude of me but you need to take that time for yourself!!
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I have been thinking about this issue too. If we wind up qualifying for / using my hospital's birthing center, we will be kicked out 12-18 hours or so after birth anyway. I can't imagine dealing with visitors at that time. I am tempted to just tell our parents that they can visit us at home the next day, but I'm sure they will not like that one bit. First grandchild on BOTH sides, oye.
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I'm glad you ladies think I am not being a total jerk because that is not the response I have gotten from friends and relatives! Hubby is on board for waiting awhile we just don't quite know how to tell people that. I have a feeling it isn't going to go over well with his parents especially. In an ideal world I would like to just have no plan and see how we feel but I feel this incredible obligation and pressure to let people come. To make matters worse I know certain people are going to want to stay for HOURS and it will be hard to get them to leave!
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@tillma: You are so not a jerk! Like @ElbieKay:, ours will be the 1st grandchild on either side, so you can bet that at only 8 weeks they're already chomping at the bit. Oy!
I'd recommend you do like we have and lay out out there now. Yes, maybe they'll get cranky/whiny/offended, but that's on them. I told my mother "well, I'm glad you have 7 more months to get this out of your system, because this is how it's going to be, so now you've got plenty of time to 'come to terms' with it if you're so absolutely distraught." Plus, if they do get drama-ish, I just point out that this is exactly the kind of emotional stuff we don't want to be dealing with while exhausted and trying to focus on our new LO.
I'm usually a sweet-as-pie, bend-over-backwards gal, but on this I refuse to let other people push us around. "Ya get what ya get and ya don't throw a fit" works on 3 year olds and new grandparents alike -
If you decide to have visitors maybe establish your own visiting hours (2hours). We did this once we got home after our first day of non stop visitors. We also did this at home, otherwise we would have been entertaining people for hours!
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Totally don't blame you for not wanting visitors right away! My midwife told me that if I wanted to avoid visitors, I should let the midwives/nurses know - they don't mind being the bad guys, and then at least its not YOU telling your family that they can't come in...its the medical professionals!
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Nope not at all! We had the same request (quite difficult for our enthusiastic families). My water broke at 1am but we didn't call family until 8am and that was to give them a heads up that we were in labor. We said we would let them know when the baby was born and when they could come. No visitors waiting outside our door the whole time. Dd was born at 1pm and family came later that night around 6. I'm so glad we did things this way because despite my post birth complications DH and I got some quiet time alone before the chaos.
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I don't blame you! We didn't allow visitors at the hospital and had no overnight visitors for a month. Some people didn't like it (and still aren't speaking to us bc of it), but oh well. You need time to rest and get adjusted to your new life!
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I waited a long time to even contact people and say the baby was Born just so they wouldn't come to the hospital! Maybe you could do that?
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Honestly I didn't even invite friends over for about a week or two after just so we could enjoy the new bundle
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I feel exactly the same way. I've already decided that no family can come visit until skin-to-skin and breastfeeding are over. Our nurse at childbirth class suggested it would take 2-3 hours afterward to do all of that plus other tests so after that's all done we'll invite people to come down. I know it will likely make family mad, but this is our delivery and what we want is all that matters.
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I felt the same way! My husband and I decided not to tell everyone that LO was here until we were settled in my postpartum room and had time to bond with LO. I gave birth at 8:02 pm, and the postpartum floor has very strict 9 am - 9 pm visiting hours, so nobody came to see us until the following morning. It was wonderful.
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You're not being a jerk! We lucked out...our hospital had a visitor ban on because of a flu outbreak, which we thought sucked at first. After delivery we realized it was the BEST thing ever. We had 3 whole days to ourselves. Were our families upset? Yep! But they got over it. We also explained that we would be requesting the same situation with future children. I would just explain that you want some time to bond, recover and get nursing down (if thats what you choose to do). We didn't contact anyone asap after LO was born either as we knew our phones would be going crazy. It was really nice to just chill and bond as a new family. Good luck!
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Your baby, your rules! We only let grandparents and our siblings visit during the first 3 weeks (we didn't invite them to the hospital until the next afternoon either). We kept visits short, were unapologetic, just went with what worked best for us and the baby. If people want access to the baby, they will get over it.
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I'm in the same position as you. I hate people 'hovering' over me and the thought of someone trying to hold my baby before I'm ready makes me want to claw their eyes out. Like you, I know my mom and my grandparents completely understand and will respect us 100%. My MIL on the other hand... I told DH to talk to her a few weeks ago and explain to her again that we want private bonding time and no visitors at the hospital until we are ready - which might not be until we are home. Her response? That I (me!!) will have to compromise because she wants to see her granddaughter as much as possible. So if necessary I'm just going to tell nursing staff no visitors. I'm sure when it comes down to it, she will respect us but it still stresses me out big time. When we tell family babe is born ( most likely extended will be via text) we will just add - we will let you know when we are ready for visitors, thank you. Hopefully people will get the hint. Stand your ground and make sure people are aware of your wishes before you deliver is my only advice.
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My family was 3 hours away and his 12 so we didn't anticipate many visitors but the plan was that no one would even be told I was in labor except my mom and she would come and stay with our dog and come to the hospital when we were ready.
I ended up delivering a month early by c section and when I called my mom to say they're doing a c section in two hours, she was with a ton of relatives so everyone knew and was chomping at the bit to come visit.
LO was in NICU and as his mom, it was my decision of who could visit and I said no one but DH, my mom, and I. This got communicated to everyone and I continued to blame the drs until he was several weeks old. (The drs did tell us, once he was released at 8 days old, that there should be NO visitors until LO's due date, that he was very fragile and had a compromised immune system.)
My best advice is to be as honest as possible and if need be, blame the drs and nurses and let them play gatekeeper.
I didn't realize it, but when I was admitted, I had the option to remain private, meaning if someone came to the hospital or called, they wouldn't have been able to give my room number or even confirm I was a patient. Next time, I'm definitely doing this! I had coworkers show up to visit (thankfully I was in NICU and they couldn't come in). So that's an option too!
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