It's better in my house than it was, say, when DD1 was born but it still has a long way to go. Definitely a work in progress.
It's better in my house than it was, say, when DD1 was born but it still has a long way to go. Definitely a work in progress.
grapefruit / 4418 posts
Yes. We are in divide and conquer mode and it's probably a 60/40 split right now which works for us!
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
Yes! And for like seven years I would have said no. But I'm in the last semester of a graduate program and my husband has been solo parenting a lot so I can work and then study at night. And it has totally opened his eyes and really improved our marriage overall.
pomelo / 5509 posts
Yes, but mainly b/c I'm not working right now (aside from a few hours of freelance a week) and our first baby isn't due for another 2 months, so I have lots of time to get things done and DH still chips in a ton on weekends. We will have to see after the baby comes b/c he works weird hours and a long shift, so I'm nervous.
clementine / 990 posts
Yes but mainly because DH is currently unemployed and does a ton of housework including dishes! I'm sure when he goes back to work that will change
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Umm no! DH is very hands on with most things, but when both of us around he just wants to hold the baby and not do the set up tasks. Example: he wants to change the baby. Well, that may mean he has to open a new box of diapers or go upstairs and pick out PJs. If he's home alone he will do it; if I am home he expects this to be some kind of shared task where I gather everything. He has never clipped LO's nails or given him a bath solo (we did maybe 3 joint baths). I make DH wash all the bottles and fiddle with clearing LO's nose when he's home though.
grapefruit / 4418 posts
@JennyD: haha ok now I'm less happy. DH has been unemployed the past 2 months and hasn't done many chores during the day! Less of a shock when he starts working again next week though I guess! Silver lining?!
persimmon / 1130 posts
I'm happy with it. DH is a super hands on parent and a good partner around the house. I'm just getting out of my first trimester, and while I was in the midst of the worst of it he really did almost everything - laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of DD.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Yeah... DH will do everything... I just have very high standards
squash / 13199 posts
@Mrs. Sunshine: I think its always going to lean more on me. But I do find that DH responds well to being assigned specific things to do, rather than just expecting he will pick up slack here and there. Once he knows something is "his task" he will keep doing it daily/weekly etc
nectarine / 2018 posts
I'm fine with the division on big things. We agreed that as a SAHM the vast majority of cooking, cleaning, and laundry falls to me. I have no issues with that and DH is great at packing up the slack as long as I ask.
It's the little things - like leaving dishes on the counter instead of in the sink/dishwasher or putting dirty clothes next to the hamper. I don't think those should be my responsibility just because I do the dishes and laundry. I think as an adult member of the house those should just be things you do.
pomelo / 5791 posts
No, no, no, no, no. Sometimes it's like living in the 50's....except add in the fact that I'm also the primary breadwinner. It's....tiresome.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: OMG. Just read this. My husband does that a lot and I didn't really realize it until I read your post. Our older daughter has ballet on Saturdays and we rotate who takes her and who stays home or does something else with the younger one. But somehow, whether I am taking or or he is taking her, I end up doing all the work to get her out the door. He be undressing her and shouting requests at me, like "Can you go get her ballet clothes and hand them to me? Can you refill her water bottle? Can you put a snack in the stroller? Will you hand me her coat?" DUDE, it's your turn--YOU DO IT. Obviously, when it's my turn, I manage to do everything myself without help.
eggplant / 11716 posts
But I should add--generally we have a pretty equitable split. That's important to me because I can be a bean counter and I get resentful as sh#t when I feel like I'm doing way more than my share. We both work full time, we both chose to have two kids, so we both have to do our share.
My rule at home is nobody sits down until we can both sit down (or no one relaxes until we can both relax). So if we are splitting bed time duties and one kid goes down super fast and the other parent is still putting the other kid to bed--the free parent should be cleaning up dinner, packing lunches, picking up the house, etc so that when the second parent is free, they can both relax for the night.
pear / 1580 posts
I'm not, but it's SO much better now than when DS was an infant. It's also hard to know what's "fair," though, since I'm a SAHM and DH works 12-14-hour days. For me, simply being appreciated for what I do helps a lot.
eggplant / 11861 posts
For the most part
We are 50/50 and work as a team well
But my standards of clean are way bigge bigger than his so when I want things clean I do them...
Ex: Clean counters to me means move all objects where he wipes around
Ohhh for a long time he would mop with out sweeping or vacuuming first
persimmon / 1445 posts
I definitely do a bulk of the parenting stuff and chores but I also SAH. I think it works out to be mostly fair.
I did just realize my husband does that thing where I need to set him up to take care of the kids though... I have to lay out outfits (with diapers), make sure the getting ready stuff is all stocked, etc. He has never done an infant bath, used the NoseFrida, clipped nails, or brushed the girls hair... I'm not super mad about it but it is interesting that so many people have that experience.
coconut / 8472 posts
I think it's pretty even. It came up the other night that we both think the other one is doing more, lol. We generally have our set responsibilities and also a primary child to be responsible for. We have a 3m old who's EBF so I take on most things related to her, and DH takes most things related to our toddler.
I do most of the cooking and meal planning, and he does most of the cleaning. But we kind of suck at both and end up eating out a lot with a messy house, lol. I had to fire our cleaning lady and I haven't found time to hire a new one.
pomelo / 5524 posts
We have a great setup with a 50/50 split. We're pretty considerate of each other when we know someone needs time to themselves or when they need a break. When someone is sick, the other person does the majority of wake-ups in the middle of the night. I work in the city 3 days/week which is a super long commute, so we split day care pick up and drop off. We'll also split morning duty. He packs us up while I get the kids up, teeth brushed, and diaper/clothes changed.
We're very much a team when it comes to everything kids related, and neither one of us is afraid to ask for help. One of the things we both said when we had kids is not to act like a martyr and try to do it all ourselves...the other person is not a mind reader, and doesn't know if you need help unless you ask. And...we also don't get on each other if something is done a different way than we would do it. It's worked well for us.
grapefruit / 4278 posts
@ShootingStar: You pretty much just described us.
I'm happy with the division, but I feel like we're both stretched pretty thin and sometimes things go by the wayside. Sometimes there's three days of dishes in the sink and we eat cereal for dinner. Envy my life
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
@Anagram: omg yes to this, I need this rule: "My rule at home is nobody sits down until we can both sit down (or no one relaxes until we can both relax)."!! I feel bad complaining because technically dh does more chores than I do, but he also has way more down-time/"me-time." It drives me CRAZY when I'll be running around busy all day and there are chores that are left undone and he's watching tv. He does most of the cooking, the laundry (though I have to nag him to do it), the trash, dog walks, etc--but I do more of the child-caring: I commute/do pick up/drop off plus have lo one full day per week. And lo usually demands my full attention when we're home/I do most bedtimes and motn wake ups. Also, dh works from home whereas I usually do not, and I have a full-time workload on a part-time schedule.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@ineebee: this
I sah for now and DH works and takes care of us. I don't mind doing all the housework (literally all of it - garbage is his only duty) if I know he recognizes and appreciates that the reason his life at home is so easy is because of me. It's not magic.
But appreciation is where we both feel the other is lacking! He thinks I don't appreciate him and vice versa, but when we sit and talk about it we both definitely do. We are working on voicing and showing it more.
Parenting is another story. When we're both home we are 50/50, if not he does slightly more.
pear / 1580 posts
@SweetiePie: I hear you. After a lot of hurt feelings and discussion, we came up with a kind of ridiculous system. We both realized we both appreciate what the other does, but sometimes we don't notice that the other is doing something worth appreciating. So since the noticing is the limiting factor, we realized we could easily remedy that. So now when either of us does something and doesn't quite feel noticed or appreciated, I'll get his attention and do a thumb-on-my-nose-wiggling-fingers motion. And he'll come over, give me a hug and kiss and thank me for what I'm doing. I know, it sounds so ridiculous, but it has done wonders!
honeydew / 7463 posts
@ineebee: Oh my gosh that is too adorable for words!!!
I had a friend once do a week with her husband where every day they had to text each other one thing they appreciate about the other person. She said it was really sweet to hear some of his because he's not normally an emotional or verbal guy (which is my husband too - he's just not mushy gushy with feelings).
honeydew / 7622 posts
I'm happy with it. If I need help he will do anything I ask. I SAH so I claim most things as my responsibility. His primary duties are 50/50 parenting or more when he's not working, caring for the cars and boat, taking care of the lawn.
persimmon / 1367 posts
No, but I'm pretty sure it is my own damn fault! I have high standards and like things a certain way, so DH will step back and let me take over most things when it comes to LO and the house.
pomegranate / 3375 posts
Yes ... but our LO is 3, so we've had some practice getting to a point of balance. We both work full time, so home life is pretty much a 50/50 split of housework, parenting, and the day to day stuff. He prefers to do yard work, and I prefer things like using the steam mop every few weekends, so it just works!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
Absolutely. DH is very helpful. He doesn't exactly take initiative (except on the chores he consistently does daily- he does he dishes every night), but if I ask him to do an extra chore here/there he always does it.
He does all meals/cooking and kitchen clean up, as well as his own laundry and occasionally LO laundry.
I do most everything else- bathrooms, the rest of the laundry, living room, dusting, deep cleaning.
I absolutely hate cooking and kitchen clean up so it's a perfect arrangement for us.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I am, because I include my housecleaner and parents in the mix. Without the 3 additional pairs of hands, it would be a shitshow.
cantaloupe / 6923 posts
I'm happy with it but it isn't 50/50. I do most of the chores and all the cooking. He works and I'm a stay at home mom. When he comes home from work he hangs with the kids while I make dinner and then we usually all hang out. I like our mix. And I HATE when he tries to cook or clean!
coffee bean / 40 posts
Yes, I guess so. It is pretty 50/50 when he is home, but I am a SAHM so I ultimately do more housework/childcare as part of my "job". It is really hard when he travels for work and I have a hard time not resenting his quiet hotel evenings where he can watch TV/order takeout, etc. What I really need to do is hire a regular babysitter when he travels so I can have some me time.
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