DH and I have been on the fence for a long time about having a third child, but just in the past few weeks I've started feeling like my family is complete. I have two boys - one is almost 5 and the other is almost 3. We are getting out of the baby/toddler stage, and I'm enjoying the ages they are at now. It's easy for me to take them places by myself like the pool or playground, they both play together really well, and I am getting time to myself when they both go to preschool some mornings.
My wedding anniversary was a few weeks ago, and my aunt posted on FB to say congrats, but she added something else in her post. She said, "My one piece of advice — keep going for a girl to have one of each." She is the mother of two grown boys, so this got me thinking that maybe she has regrets about not having a daughter. Maybe she isn't happy with just her sons. Her statement made me feel doubt in my decision to stop, but I'm not sure I want three kids and it's also out of my control to have a girl next. Has anyone said something like that to you? Any advice for me?
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Sort of. People have suggested having a second in the hopes of having a girl. When I tell them I would want another boy I get the look “why bother?” LOL
Once DH was on board with one and done I became a little more firm when I received unsolicited advice or inquiries in our family plans.
pomelo / 5563 posts
I would say you should only have a third baby if you want a third baby. Don’t have a third baby because you might hypothetically wish you’d had a girl. Even if your aunt does wish she’d had a daughter, you are different people.
That is, frankly, terrible advice.
cantaloupe / 6085 posts
Ugh people and their comments. There are always what if’s but if you’re happy with 2 try to ignore it! Everything has pros and cons, and you could even have a daughter but not be close to her as she grew up, another thing you can’t control.
My aunt had 6 kids trying to get one of each (5 girls first!)
cherry / 174 posts
Nooo that is terrible advice! First of all, who knows when down the line you will get a girl, secondly if you feel your family is complete why force it?
If you feel you want a third that's great, but dont do it because you might be sad about not having a girl one day.
It really bugs me when people try to tell people they should have more kids (or kids at all). Totally none of their business.
pomegranate / 3355 posts
Sorry, but I think that is bad advice. Even if she regrets not having a girl..doesn't mean you will! As pp's have said if you are happy with 2 and feel complete then I think you have your answer.
I especially think the advice to have another in order to get "a certain gender" is ridiculous bc it's obviously out of everyone's control!!!
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
I had practically strangers tell me I should have a third to try for a boy. But no one close to me has said it because it’s terrible advice. I know people who have wanted a third and hoped that one would be the other sex by that’s not the reason they had one.
grapefruit / 4079 posts
I am in the exact place as you. M will be 5 in October. C will be 3 in February. I’m a teacher so I am off for the summer. I want a daughter. Badly. But we are done because they are finally fun together. And since I’m alone with them all summer, I want to be able to take them places easily.
That being said, we are not 100% closing the door until the youngest goes to kindergarten but I don’t see us going for a third. As bad as I want a daughter, I have a third boy pictured and named in my head.
Some reasons I want to stop: I have a huge car with a huge car payment. We are going to go to a smaller SUV when our lease is up. When we travel, being a family of 4 is easier than 5. We barely travel now because we can’t afford it with two kids in daycare. I feel like financially, emotionally, and physically we can give 2 kids so much more than 3. I remind myself of all these things every time I find myself wishing for a third.
pear / 1992 posts
My advice is to think about having a third as if you know, it's guaranteed, to be another boy. If you are feeling like your family is complete that speaks for a lot.
It's possible you may look back at your aunt's age and think - I wish I'd had a girl. But like you said, there's no way to know if that will happen.
I'm currently pregnant with my second, and will find out the gender on Thursday. We have one 5.5 yr old girl and we've already discussed many times, that if this new baby is also a girl we are not trying for a third just to see if we can have a boy. I know already that we will get the same comments you've gotten now, that we will be questioned on whether we will try again, and that I will probably feel some doubt about stopping after two here and there. But it's such a personal decision, and I would rather doubt 'not' having a kid than there be any possibility of feeling stress or regret over the 'one more' we choose to have.
persimmon / 1093 posts
I hate when people say stuff like that. What's wrong with having all boys? Or just having all girls? Not like you NEED one of each gender. Sounds like you're happy with your two children so you don't need to have a third.
nectarine / 2028 posts
@aprild: The “peanut gallery” is the worst. I have gotten odd comments about the sex of my baby both pregnancies and I just don’t get it.
It took a while for my husband to get on board with a second (although he always knew two was my plan since we started dating), so I knew that this was my final baby, no matter the sex. We have a 3.5-year-old son and are expecting a daughter in a month. While I feel so grateful to experience both sexes, I know two is all we can handle no matter what. I don’t understans people going “for” a particular sex and ending up with 4-5+ kids of the same sex. That seems like so much work to me, and such a financial burden! Like pp have said, if you’re happy at the idea of a third son, go for it, but otherwise it’s a 50-50 gamble (and your aunt won’t be there at 2 AM to help with the new baby, I assume ). Best wishes with whatever you choose.
pear / 1728 posts
I wouldn't have another unless you want a third baby regardless of gender. I'm not sure why people give the advice that you need to try for one of each.
I would like to have another girl when we have a second and when I tell people that they always look at me like I'm insane.
honeydew / 7463 posts
Echoing above, terrible advice.
If you’re happy and content with your family as is, ignore her. No guarantees, and what if it’s another boy and she says to try again? Would you listen to her?
Also, just because she’s unhappy with two boys doesn’t mean you will be. Each situation is what you make it. My MIL had 3 (triplet!) boys and she did a terrible job of making them want a relationship with her. She micromanaged and helicoptered them and smothered them. Now they basically just think she’s annoying AF and she’ll never have that relationship with them that she desires. I have learned that’s exactly what not to do and yes, it scared me for a hot minute that maybe my boys will feel the same about me. But then I realized that I can control that. I can love them and be there when they need me but let them live their lives when they don’t. I want them to adore me but I can’t force it.
Frankly I wish people would just STFU when it comes to family planning.
I just had my 2nd boy almost 4 months ago. I was like 4 weeks PP and I went to a store to try and find some comfy loungewear. The sales ladies said I should have another, to try for a girl. 1) I have to do IVF so it’s pretty presumptuous for someone to just assume it’s as easy as “just try!” 2) I had my tubes removed with my c section. So there’s another reason it’s stupid to just assume someone can/should have another. 3) I WAS 4 WEEKS PP! My steritape was still on my incision. How rude!
Anyway they kept pushing saying “you never know!” And I finally said, “yes, I do know. I don’t have tubes”. They shut up real quick!
nectarine / 2458 posts
I think it's so crazy that people would even offer advice on the gender makeup of a family, especially since it's out of our control. I have 2 boys now and we do plan on trying for a 3rd because we want a big family, not because of a specific gender preference. I do think it would be nice to have a girl to see what it's like to raise one, but I'm happy if its a boy too. I've decided that my kids' spouses (I'm going to go ahead and assume I'll get at least one female spouse) will be like my own kids and so I'll get a daughter that way.
pomegranate / 3272 posts
My mom tried to pull that crap after I had my second boy and said we're done. I can guarantee that she never said that to my sister in law (actually two sister in laws) who have 2 girls and are done. I am 100% happy with my family and no one else other than DH and me get to decide that. This is a very personal choice and only you and your DH can make it.
Every time someone tells me that I should have a 3rd, I tell them sure! As long as they pay all of the bills that come along with that decision.
honeydew / 7917 posts
My mom had 3 girls, and everyone pushed her to try for a boy. I was #4, and I'm sure everyone was disappointed. My mom ended up having 5 girls and never had a boy.
I have 2 boys, and I am happy and feel like my family is complete. If I change my mind for whatever reason, it would be because I am ready for a adding another child, regardless of sex. I get pressured all the time from family members who want me to have a girl.
pomegranate / 3127 posts
I've gotten a lot of comments from people who thought we should have a third. A few did say they regretted not having another child, and some of the reasons were pretty heartbreaking.
I listened to them and it was food for thought, but in the end this decision was 100% between me and DH. The others don't live with us, they won't be babysitting for free, they won't be the ones negotiating leave with my boss. So they don't get to decide.
Never mind that having another child doesn't guarantee having a girl
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
@erinbaderin: What she said!
We have two girls and if we have a 3rd, it's not because we want to try for a boy; it's because we want another kid.... But if we decide not to, we're perfectly happy with our 2 girls!
pomelo / 5524 posts
I also think it's not great advice. If your aunt had tried for another and got 3 boys, would she resent the last boy for not being a girl? I agree with the posters above who said to only try for a 3rd if you want a 3rd regardless of gender.
ETA: I'm a mom of 2 boys, and I get comments all the time on how I should try for the girl. People say it in front of my boys, and I let them know that I'm happy with my children in front of them. I think it's important for them to feel that they aren't inferior based on their gender.
apricot / 264 posts
I don’t know your aunt’s intention but I can say several people told me they regretted not having another. I often thought of that. Generally people don’t regret having their kids but they regret not having another.
I had 2 boys before my I had my 3rd (a girl). In my heart, I knew I wanted another regardless of the sex. And I was fully prepared it would be another boy. I wouldn’t got for the 3rd in hopes of a specific sex.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
I think having a baby to have a different gender is really risky and silly. We have three and one is "alone" in gender and I know if we had a fourth we would have a strong preference to even it out.. which makes me sad for that would-be child and another reason to stop..
grapefruit / 4321 posts
@Mamatimes3: I think in actuality plenty of people regret having additional children (not because they don’t love their child, but because they realize the emotional, physical and particularly financial burdens are more than they expected) but it's not socially acceptable to admit it.
@aprild: Don't let your aunt's incredibly inappropriate comment have any bearing on your family planning decisions! Do what feels best for you, your husband, and the wonderful kids you already have.
persimmon / 1005 posts
It really irritates me when people make comments like this. Why do they assume you even want a girl?? What if you did want a third and wanted it to be a boy? I just hate how people assume they know all about what you shoud want and should do based on their own hangups. And it sounds like that’s exactly what this is.