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@MaryM: whatever the reason, I hope it helps
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We've decided to start TTC actively. I guess it's more of a mindset change than anything else, but it feels scary. It's unlikely I'm pregnant this cycle but the potential for another loss makes me feel so nervous. Do you all test early so you can figure out if you're having early losses, or do you wait it out? I'm having progesterone tested 7dpo so at least I'll know if that's a possible culprit.
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@winniebee: last pregnancy I think I tested on 9 or 10 dpo, but I knew something was off because my temp was higher than normal.
I'll probably continue to test on the early side because I know I have a history of low P and I need to be on supplements ASAP.
The only exception I'll probably make is if I go on HCG, because you have to wait for that to leave your system first
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@MaryM: I'm guessing I'll know if my progesterone is low by the time I find out I'm pregnant? Or maybe my doc will just want me to do progesterone anyways. We haven't gotten that far yet.
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@winniebee: I've tried to stop testing early because I'm tired of wasting money. After my first miscarriage, my luteal phase was really short 8-10 days so I never had reason to test. My last cycle I tested at 12 dpo but only because I was "late" compared to my previous 4 cycles and I had plans to go out for drinks with friends (though I know that's still pretty early). I just had miscarriage #2 in December but I'm trying not to test until 14 dpo going forward.
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@Shantuck: I try to keep cheap tests on hand so it's not so pricy. I never take a frer unless I have reason to really believe I'm pregnant.
I know I'm bitter because they're from people with infants, but I've gotten a couple plants this week. What a sucky consolation gift when you thought you'd be getting a baby.
(For real, I know it's the thought that counts, but that doesn't stop the sting)
And we're running out of places for plants...
I am happy though that an orchid from our sweet neighbor decided to rebloom this week
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@MaryM:
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@MaryM:
I get pictures of our Noah-plant from my brother/SIL who planted it for me. And that's great, I'm thrilled it's thriving, but they get to sit there and snuggle their sweet babe, while I get to look at a picture of a rose.
I get it, hun. Lots of love. x
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@MaryM: It's nice to have the extra "as needed". I was on Ativan for a little bit during my hospital stay/Gradys birth. I was taking half a pill every 6 hours. I don't take them anymore, but I can't bear to throw out the container with a few pills left. It's like a security blanket.
@winniebee: My first cycle back to TTC I tested early because I felt like I could know if i had a chemical, or an early loss, and then I could call m doctor for bloodwork (he suggested progesterone) immediately. I was a wreck, and so upset over all the negatives last cycle. This is my second cycle now, and I'm trying my hardest not to test for a much longer period of time. So much luck!! It's all so scary.
@jaguar: @MaryM: I hear you ladies on the plants. We planted a tree for Grady and a small garden. People ask us how its doing, and talk about how it's grown. It's so sad because that should be questions and comments about my baby.
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@FreckledFox: I do the same. I think when I was on xanax when my dad was sick, I was on half the dose my dr. gave me. So I usually take half a pill knowing I can take another if I need it. So in a way, I got 60 doses. Score! lol
But most times, just knowing it's available helps me out a little bit. But the last week, the physical symptoms (soreness and what not) have been pretty killer. Add that to the fact that I'm getting on a plane tonight (and I don't really enjoy flying) and I'm SO HAPPY to have plenty extra!
I'm so mixed on the plants. When we first lost Gigi, we were overwhelmed with close to 20 flower arrangements. At first I thought it was sort of depressing, but in reality, they gave me something to focus on and do (after a few days, I started rearranging them to take advantage of the flowers that lasted longer once stuff started to wilt).
But then once they were all gone after about two weeks...my house was SO SAD because there were no flowers left! I asked DH to bring some home one day and he asked me what he did wrong. lol
I feel like the plants are a little different. I don't have the biggest green thumb, so God forbid they die, and I feel like I'll be a wreck. Plus our house is so weird and 1970sish, we don't have any windows in the front of the house and the back is fully shaded, so we really just don't have a ton of places for plants! Especially ones that are too big for a window sill (my dad's sister's family sent this giant ficus or whatever and it keeps turning yellow from lack of sun but we haven't been able to find a good place for it where we won't forget to water it).
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@MaryM: Oh my gosh, I 100% understand what you mean about the flower arrangements, and then when they disappeared it felt terrible. I clung to these sunflowers our neighbor sent us.. even after they died and began to rot. Thats how I feel about our Christmas decorations. The house feels so warm and cozy right now, but I convinced my DH to let me keep them up just one more week. They're coming down this weekend and I will probably cry. It's the end of 2015 for real now. That was Grady's year and it's so far away feeling now. Maybe treat yourself to some flowers every few weeks? We have a fake hydrangea flower arrangement we keep in the dining room, and it brightens the room.
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@FreckledFox: I've been trying to push DH to bring flowers home more often. He used to be really good about picking them up every few weeks. Even the cheap ones from the grocery store do so much
A few people gave us ornaments in memory of Gigi. I've packed up our Christmas stuff, but I kept out one or two so I could keep them around year round. DH is probably thinking I'm going crazy with remembrances of her all over the house, but oh well.
Most of it isn't obvious. One friend (who's a quilter) made this plush heart with her initials and the year on the back, so it's not like, in your face. But we also received a wood block from one of his friends last week that I added to the mini shrine I have going on on my dresser, and another close friend sent a garden stone and gift card to buy plants.
In October a friend ordered a remembrance tree for us so we'll probably use the stone and plants around that. But DH doesn't really get that either because an old lady lived in our house before us and did a TON of landscaping. So we already have two dogwoods and have to figure out where to put a third
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@MaryM: Same same same! We received 2 ornaments with Grady's name that i'm going to cry to put away. I have bracelets, a ring and necklaces with his name that I wear daily though. My DH made a wood block ornament with a G. I bought myself a pewter cup with his name and date for my dresser after he was born (traditionally bought for a newborn and given at baptism. Grady was baptized in a hurry on his second day, and i had always wanted to do this when i had a child). And I have a little wooden rabbit i got him next to it. We don't have much in the other parts of the house aside from a childs block with a "G" on it. We have a photo of his footprints that we plan to frame soon. We were gifted blankets, so many teddy bears, a stepping stone for the garden and a needlepoint. I want to display them but my DH isn't really fond of that. It has a lot of sadness attached. So we keep most of the stuff in a nice box for him, or we bring it to the cemetery for occasions. My coworkers sent us a Magnolia tree that we planted in the backyard. I hope it blooms this year. If it dies, or the tree my husband and I planted dies.... ugh.
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@FreckledFox: If you'll cry putting them away, don't
I'm hoping to find a better place to hang our heart, but for now it's on a knob on our roll top desk. I received several necklaces, but the one I wear most has her name on it. And my cousin gave me a "mom" keychain that was really sweet. My sister gave me a ring with her birthstone in it, but I gave her my size right after I delivered and I need a smaller one before I can wear it. boo.
I love that you have a cup for him! I know exactly what you're talking about. I still have mine from when I was a baby. I've had a lot of people say they had gifts they'd gotten for my shower, but they plan to hang on to them until I have another baby (if I have another baby...). I don't really know how I feel about that. I mean, at least I don't have to figure out how to store them, but at the same time, if they were meant to be hers I feel like they should be!
My mom, sister, and I went out the week after the funeral and got a big treasure box type box (the sturdy cardboard kind you might use in a kids room) to keep most of her stuff in. I had crocheted a blanket meant for her and gotten just a couple of outfits, and two knit dolls that reminded me of my grandfather's cousins in Ireland. Along with all the cards and things, most everything lives in there. But I keep the teddy bear the nurses gave me during delivery out so I have something soft to hold to when I'm sad. I have a tactile compulsion so that and rubbing the necklace with her name on it (it's like a disc with a hole in the middle) help me cope.
The only thing obvious that I keep outside of the bedroom is a remembrance book I made on snapfish. I didn't tell everyone in the family I made it, but I like to keep it out so they can look at it if they want.
And I dried all the roses from all the arrangements we got and I have them in a vase on our TV console. But sometimes dead flowers don't really cheer things up. I have a fear of becoming Mrs. Havisham.
On my dresser I have the "Love at first sight" frame SIL gave us for the ultrasound photo and a little ceramic boot my aunt put tiny roses and baby's breath in for the burial (I dried those too).
And the cross from the top of her casket (that my brother made. it was insanely touching) hangs on our wall of family photos.
I guess there IS a lot. But hopefully it's all subtle enough that people aren't totally freaked out by it. My mom might be the only person beside DH and I who really understand all of it.
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@MaryM: I love that you made her so many things, and you can always think of them as hand-me downs? We are trying to think that. If we decide to give the outfits bought for him to his sibling, we'll make sure to whisper to him where they came from. We had friends tell us the same, that they had bought things for him, and they'll hold onto them. My parents gave us some money at his funeral because they said how they didnt have to spend that money on a baby shower or Congrats gifts. Sigh
We will use it towards his headstone. I wanted to crochet a blanket during my 12 weeks of bedrest but i could never bring myself to start because i was afraid of never being able to give it to him. We had all of the ultrasounds on the fridge and cards and baby books all over and when my DH went home before i was released from the hospital, he removed and put away absolutely everything. It helped. I look at the stuff when I'm ready to. It doesnt hurt as badly. The nurses made us a Memory box with his ID tag, the clothes they/I dressed him in on his last day, a small blanket and a little stuffed heart, and a touching card from his nurses. thats tuff still makes me cry. I cant even touch that box, the big box that it sits in smells of hospital, and that makes my heart race.
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@FreckledFox: My mom went to our house before we got home and did the same thing. She put everything baby related in the nursery and closed the door. In a way I think it helped, but it was also hard to try to pretend the stuff had just never been around.
A few weeks later I was sick of seeing the closed door to an empty useless room, so we got the big box. And DH had a friend over so I asked them to move my sewing stuff into that room so the room wouldn't be an empty reminder of what it should have been.
I think I'll end up giving some of the stuff away slowly over time. Most of the clothes I got just because they were cute. eventually I think I'll be able to part with them and give them to other babies.
But the blanket I'll probably keep forever even if we don't have another little girl. I had made it a couple years ago just hoping I'd have a reason to use it. So it wasn't originally made for her, but after making a ton of blankets (i made them for all my nieces and nephews and friends' kids) I was so happy to finally be able to claim one for myself (and it's one of my favorite that I've made). Maybe some day if I can find the same yarn I'll just make it bigger and keep it for myself.
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Oh, and if you want, we found a ministry that helps to bury tiny babies. The woman who runs it works with a company that makes stones for her for $100. They're not traditional gravestones, but more like a brick that sits flush in the ground (which worked out well for us because my daughter was actually buried on top of my dad so we didn't have to use an additional plot).
If you're interested, I contacted her through http://amomspeace.com/a-moms-peace.html. They were even able to personalize the cross so that it matched the celtic one on my dad's stone and on her coffin.
DH and I have both buried fathers, so the fact that we could get a stone for only $100 astounded us both
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@MaryM: We buried Grady in his own plot (in the family plot, eep, next to where I will be one day). My husband and I want to get him a nice white marble stone. We have been designing it (we are designers) so its really important for us to have a larger headstone.
(not there is another wrong with the brick idea. i think its a beautiful thing she is doing.) We currently have a large white wooden cross that we made with his name painted on it. I am lucky in the sense that we never got to create a nursery. The room was an attic conversion.. we got all the way to framing and insulation when my water broke. So its not even a room, let alone a nursery. We only bought a travel crib, and thats in the attic waiting for his sibling.
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@FreckledFox: That's great that you can design something yourselves!
Furniture wise, we had just borrowed a cradle from DH's BFF. He came to take it away while I was in labor. For once it made sense that everyone DH knows has our garage code.
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Oh, and I'll be buried next to Gigi too. I had asked for her to be buried in my plot, but then I guess when I died there would have to be a court order to exhume her or something (I don't know, my brother's a lawyer so I let him make a lot of the decisions). It was easier for them to put her with my dad since I'll be buried next to him anyway.
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@MaryM: I completely understand that. They would have to put you under her i guess. I'm still scared of it, but this experience has made me a tad less scared of death. To be reunited with our babies.I feel comfortable at the cemetery now.
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@FreckledFox: I still want to dig her up and hold her when I go to the cemetery, but I feel a little better about my dad being there too. And my mom's best friend's family has the plots above us, so I know that she visits too. But it still makes me anxious to go.
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@MaryM: When we visit we bring a blanket and sit next to him. We say hi to his neighbor, Mr Gillespie. We finally got to meet his wife for the first time. She had wondered who her husbands new neighbor was and said how he loved children and it was meant to be. We say hello the the other baby, Casey across the row, and ask if they've played together today. Talking to him and to the other people buried there has helped to normalize it a lot for us. I know that isnt easy for everyone to do, talk to deceased strangers.
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@FreckledFox: Aw, That's so sweet!
I keep thinking I should bring Archie (my mom's best friend's dad) a donut. He and my dad used to hang out after Mass having coffee and donuts.
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@MaryM: Thats a wonderful idea. My therapist said that little rituals like that are the BEST for healing.
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@FreckledFox: your post just made me tear up, I love the idea of being comfortable with knowing you'll meet G up there
I know what you mean about the Xmas decorations, sad that part of the year is officially over!@MaryM: girl, I hear you on the plants. I love how they look, but I am no good with caring for them, and I too feel their absence more after they have gone!
Im sorry you're dealing with that! @Shantuck: thanks for your message a while ago re my short LP. I'm going to see how the next few cycles go, I think I'm under a bit of stree at the moment so that might be throwing things off too. Who knows. Hope you're going ok?
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@winniebee: I don't like testing early! I hate seeing bfn and I figure I'll know soon enough. Plus next time I get pregnant I want to reduce that anxiety period between bfp and first scan, as much as possible! In saying that, I don't have any known issues with progesterone or anything,so might not be the best comparison. Though this has got me thinking about whether my thyroid would need to be monitored from early on....hmmm. Good luck for this cycle!
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@MaryM: one time cvs worked in your favor!
@winniebee: I used to, but I'm so tired of getting BFNs I stopped. Now I wait until the day AF is due.
@MaryM: @FreckledFox: biggest hugs ever to you two. You've carried so much pain, and I am so sorry. You should treasure the things you have for as long as you want and in any way you want.
@jaguar:
hugs.
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@Nutella: @Crystal: Thank you
I have a question. I didn't want to test early this cycle, i'm 6dpo today. But I am supposed to go in as soon as i get a BFP to get my progesterone checked to see if i need supplements. I was a wreck after last months negatives... I wonder if I should hold off like I want to, or test early for the sake of getting bloodwork earlier?
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@FreckledFox: After thinking a lot about this, I will probably test early so that I can get on promethium if necessary. I don't mind seeing negative tests though. It's the early positives that are a mind F**K for me. I think testing at 10-12 DPO is reasonable, but earlier than that makes me obsessive. Good luck!
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@FreckledFox: my compromise to myself was to
Check at 12DPO. late enough that a positive should show up, early enough that whatever P I had in my system could sustain it. -
Just started a separate thread about it but wanted to come here a whine about the sprinkle next week. I would have been due in midst of all 3 of my friends we are celebrating next week. No shock I am dragging my feet getting them gifts.
@freckledfox I'm a habitual early POAS. This link helped me POAS a bit later. It shows that 6dpo is almost impossible to get a
I like to obsess over numbers and percentages so only go there if you like that! EtA: link didn't work.
http://whenmybaby.com/implantation-calculator.php -
@winniebee: @LibbyLou: @Crystal: I usually start POAS at 8 dpo because I'm a POAS addict. But last cycle was just terrible. It was our first one back to ttc and I dont know why it hit me 100x worse than any other negatives. I need to just breath. I'm thinking 12dpo as well. That link says my highest probability of implantation is 9dpo, though its slightly off with my dates. I was thinking of waiting until at least 10dpo this time. I guess my situation is different not having a CP or misscarriage. I have never gotten a false positive before, and my last pregnancy showed up at either 9dpo or 11dpo (dates in question)
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@FreckledFox: I always get early positives -- by 9DPO, regardless of whether the pregnancy ends up sticking or not. I think 9 is really reasonable to test, but maybe only do so if you feel like you won't be crushed if it's negative? easier said than done!
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I generally can't resist past 10dpo. I've had a positive with every pregnancy by 9dpo.
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@winniebee: @MrsDragon: Thank you both.
I might cave and go early like i always have. It took us 5 months to get pregnant the first time, and I had some later dpo evaps (13-15dpo). along the way, but only one true +. So we'll see -
So, I think I'm somewhat relieved? I think?
I'm heading to my NaPro doctor for the first consult tomorrow, so I'm gathering up any medical records I have on hand. I logged in to see if there were more results from my last loss panel (because my doctor hasn't called me...even though the test was three weeks ago).
Sure enough, I have a genetic mutation: mthfr homozygous c 677t. It leads to clotting issues and has something to do with folate and absorption of vitamin B too. It can lead to recurrent loss.
This was the test I had to ask for because my doctor said it's often not covered until three losses. I'm really hoping this result might prevent that third loss form happening...
Now hopefully tomorrow, I can figure out how we deal with the mutation (which isn't incredibly rare it doesn't seem...like 11% of those tested have it).
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@MaryM: that's great you pushed for it and now have that information. I hope your appointment tomorrow leads to more answers.
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@MaryM: Thats wonderful to have an answer! I know a few ladies with that exact mutation and they take a special folate and some of them take baby aspirin while ttc, and for the first few months of pregnancy. I was tested for that and it was negative. I kind of wish I had answer! Glad that there is a little bit of light in this dark journey. I hope things keep getting brighter!
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And for those concerned about the cost of testing (@winniebee: I think it was you whose doctor wasn't going to run loss panels because it's not always covered?)
I just checked my insurance. Sure enough, it was a $900 test (which I've seen mentioned before and I was prepared for), but I owe $0.
I'm losing so much faith in my doctor for not giving me good information. Had I not pushed for this test, I wouldn't have gotten it. She didn't even suggest I check to see if it would be covered. She hasn't called with results yet, and I had to basically put myself back on progesterone after my levels tested horribly low (she mentioned they were low, but didn't mention me supplementing again until I actually said "Uh, should I start taking progesterone again on P+3-12?"
I'm hoping to find a better place to hang our heart, but for now it's on a knob on our roll top desk. 
I know what you mean about the Xmas decorations, sad that part of the year is officially over!
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