Beyond MC Support, 2015 holiday version

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Beyond MC Support, 2015 holiday version

By MaryM Nov 24, 2015

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the other was was getting so long. And it'll give a chance for people to reintroduce themselves/update their old intros.

I just read this article and wanted to share it (which led to starting the new thread since the old one was rather buried)

https://www.commonwealmagazine.org/blog/grief-and-gratitude-thanksgiving

"Everyone says they know some people who have it hard at the holidays. People don’t feel that they can grieve at the holidays; they don’t want to spoil others’ Thanksgiving, they say. But I think it would be good if we gave one another permission to grieve, even, actually especially on Thanksgiving."

...

People think they cant grieve at Thanksgiving. But we have always grieved at thanksgiving and we will again this year. Like me mourning my friend; my sister, her daughter; and, these women, their ruptured lives. Contrary to common wisdom, real thanksgiving prompts grief. I am so thankful for Lúcás and Deb is for Megan. I am thankful for what I have had and what I have lost; thanksgiving makes me grieve.

But that’s ok."

ETA: Copied from old thread

Our last thread was a wealth of love and support, and since it was getting so big, I thought I'd start a new thread for us all. Please feel free to use this space however you like - and know that you are safe here, and are not alone.

Feel free to fill this in, if you feel up to sharing.

1. What is your story?

2. How do you feel today?

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?

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230 comments

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jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Nov 24, 2015

Hugs to you, @MaryM: xx

1. What is your story?

Most people probably know me by now (Hi, I'm Debbie Downer, haha) - but here goes. I'm Aly/Jag, and we've been trying for baby #2 for over 2 years now. We knew it might take a while, since it took 2+ years as well as several IVF rounds to get our daughter, G... but we never anticipated the heartache.

We went back to IVF when G was 6 months old. First FET, we got pregnant, and were thrilled.. healthy scans, heartbeats, until an 11 week random OB appt showed no heartbeat. Our baby boy had passed away, and we later found out it was due to T21 - Down Syndrome. To this day, I miss that little person, who we never got the chance to meet. We had a d&c.

Our next transfer, we also got lucky. We fell pregnant, but lost that one early at around 5.5 weeks. Since then, it's been failed cycle after failed cycle. Three fresh rounds of IVF, 8 FET's, and no luck at all. In October we had another FET with a new IVF clinic, and it worked - pregnancy #3 since G. We found out early on that levels weren't going well... they were low, they weren't quite doubling, but they went up. Then they dropped. Miscarriage #3. Unfortunately, a month later and we are still showing pregnant on bHCG tests... the never ending miscarriage from hell.

2. How do you feel today?

I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm so damned sad and sorry for myself. It's not just the fact that it's taking so long - we were prepared for that. But to be spending a small fortune on IVF for all these losses, it's just gutwrenching. And now I can't even miscarry a BABY properly, and we might be headed for another d&c... well, that just terrifies me.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?

First off, sort out this miscarriage - whether they make me wait, drugs, or d&c. Scan is today. After that, we'll have to wait, because the IVF clinics all close for Christmas. I guess we make plans for a new FET in January.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?

Honestly? I'm back in therapy, and I'm on anti-anxiety meds, because I am not coping very well at all. That and blogging, which helps - talking about this and sharing my story, it's become very important to me.

Love to everyone going through this sadness during the holidays. x
Zbug
persimmon / 1355 posts

Nov 24, 2015

Hey ladies

1. What is your story?
I have a two year old. We've been TTC #2 since February. We've had two losses - one a mmc at 9.5 weeks and a recent one at 5 weeks.

2. How do you feel today?
Not great. I've been dealing with some other big issues (family illness, etc), and this last loss has hit me fairly hard.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?
Just moving forward with TTC for now. I will start at a fertility clinic if we have another loss.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?
Wine. Seriously. I was working out but then I broke my foot.
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Nov 25, 2015

1. What is your story? Surprise pregnancy Jan 2014, early MC ended in February.

TTC since then. Got pregnant after SHG in April. Gigi was stillborn at 22 weeks in Sept. No known cause yet.

2. How do you feel today? Today's ok. But still having good days and bad days. Often the bad are totally unexpected and smack me in the face.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they? I'm working with a Creighton practitioner in order to get a consult with a NaPro doctor. They don't believe in "unexplained" infertility or fluke recurrent losses. They'll be looking into my hormone levels to see if they can identify underlying problems.

TTC plans are probably on hold until we get a consult. We both desperately want some answers first...

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you? Respecting my feelings. I shoved a lot aside after the first loss and tried to ignore it. I think that made them come back stronger. And I've been reading a lot which has helped maintain my faith this time. It's not where I want it to be, but it's better.

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart was really helpful.
mrsmacandcheese
blogger / clementine / 985 posts

Nov 25, 2015

The original thread felt a bit intimidating to jump into because it was so long -- thank you for making this, and for sharing that article. It's not Thanksgiving here (I'm in Canada) but have been feeling some trepidation about Christmas, and I think the idea of grief and gratitude still applies.

1. What is your story?

My daughter just turned two. We have been trying for a second since May. I got pregnant after three cycles and had a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage around 4.5-5 weeks. Two cycles later I got pregnant again, thought I was in the clear because having one miscarriage felt like I had paid my dues, and then miscarried again at 6 weeks, making for two miscarriages in the span of three months.

2. How do you feel today?
I'm okay. We are into a new cycle of trying -- my period came after the second miscarriage pretty much right on time, and we were cleared to try again. Moving forward helps me feel better, but I am still battling a lot of anxiety, and a lot of bitterness.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?

My medical team will not consider my losses recurrent unless there is a third, but my nurse practitioner has decided to ensure I am generally healthy. I had a blood panel done last week, for basic health indicators, not fertility/hormones however, and am going in for a pap/STI testing/etc. next week, when I will also hear the results of the blood work. She may send me for an ultrasound, too.
If we have a third loss my husband and I will be referred to a fertility specialist, and if we make it to May 2016 without another pregnancy I'll be asking for the same.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?

Venting a lot online, hah. I have been anonymously blogging my experience, separate from my regular blog. Feeling like I'm getting *some* information about my body and if it's working properly is helping, too. Mostly just trying to let myself feel the way I feel without getting too hung up on whether or not it's "okay."
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Nov 25, 2015

This article showed up in my feed today. Another good one. I've seen a few by this blogger I've liked...a lot about platitudes being bull shit

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2014/12/15/gratitude-doesnt-erase-grief
Tanjowen
nectarine / 2521 posts

Nov 25, 2015

1. What is your story?
We started to TTC baby#2 the beginning of October and got pregnant right away. I started bleeding at 5 weeks, and an ultrasound at 6 weeks confirmed it was a definite miscarriage. They gave me Misoprotol but it has failed to work.

2. How do you feel today?
Today I am angry and tired. I am angry I feel so pregnant and I'm not, and I'm angry that my body refuses to do anything about it. I'm angry at everyone I share the news with telling me, "Awww, there will be another." I"m also really sad that our TTC window got pushed much further out when I was finally ready.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?
The doctor has me coming in late next week to schedule a D&C.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?
Venting to my husband. Writing in my journal. Praying. Crying. It's been a journey through the different stages of grief.
jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Nov 25, 2015

@MaryM: Thank you for this article. xx
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Nov 25, 2015

I'm not sure if I've shared this one here yet or not, but also really good by him

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Nov 30, 2015

(bumping in case others are interested in joining the new thread)
LibbyLou
kiwi / 739 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Hello ladies. Hopefully for those in the US thanksgiving wasn't too painful.
1. What's your story?
Ectopic at 8 weeks after a year of ttc
2. How do you feel today?
Annoyed. I have a shower this weekend for a friend who is due on exact same date as me. I also had to see DH family which has two cousins due within a week of my old EDD. I feel like they are all watching me like a hawk to see if in pregnant. Also, my mom is (nicely) suggesting we go to IVF. My DH is not on board for any more interventions. He thinks if it's meant to be it'll be.
3. Next steps?
Continue clomid. DH is gone for work during my ovulation this month so we are another month away. Sigh.
4. What coping strategies have worked?
Honestly I think just time. I cry less each month. I have been really busy with work and if I were pregnant I would have a rough time getting through my busy season. Trying to see it all in a positive light.

to all of you.
jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Hope you guys are doing ok.

Had another BT this morning to see whether these pregnancy levels are still hanging around, or if they've magically sorted themselves out in a week. Should know in a few hours.
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Nov 30, 2015

@jaguar: fx!
winniebee
hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Hi everyone

I feel a little silly to be posting here as I have 2 beautiful baby boys...one is 3.5 and the other is almost 1. But, I lurk, and I'm here.

1. What is your story?

We had an early loss before conceiving T (now 3.5). Overall, it took 8 months, but no real issues. I easily got pregnant with R, who is now almost 1. Both pregnancies were very much planned. We teetered on the fence about #3, but then when R was 9 months old, I got pregnant by "surprise" - not trying, still EBF....total shock, but a welcome one. Miscarried a week later. Then, two months later (two weeks ago) found out I was pregnant again (again, not trying, but not preventing) only to find out that my HCG wasn't rising. Started miscarriage on Thanksgiving.

2. How do you feel today?

Ok. Still bleeding from my last loss and hoping that will be wrapped up soon. Wondering if the universe is trying to tell me not to have a 3rd baby. Wondering why every little thing in my life has to be planned....feeling slighted over the thrill of a surprise pregnancy, feeling upset that my body had barely recovered from a miscarriage and then to have to go through it all over again...and now I've had 3 miscarriages. Which is sad and strange and something I'd never thought I'd have to face again after my first miscarriage.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?

Meet with my doc in January....just to get her thoughts on two losses in a row. I'm 35 now (36 in July) and wondering if the losses are (1) bad luck (2) from nursing or (3) getting older. Probably will start TTC "for real" when R is weaned, hopefully in the new year.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?

Just plugging away at life and trying to focus on my kids, work, and a new home we are buying in a few weeks!
LovelyPlum
eggplant / 11408 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Sending you all so much
delight
pomelo / 5326 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Hi everyone and love to you all. It is nice to see a new thread going.

1. What is your story? We had an early mc before conceiving our DD, who turned two in August. Right before she turned one, we had a surprise (but very welcomed) pregnancy. Things took a bad turn after the IPS testing and we ultimately ended up saying goodbye to our little girl last December at 22w. It was horrible and heartbreaking and I miss her every day. We took three months off to heal and started trying again in March. We fell pregnant on our 6th cycle and that recently ended in a mc at 10 weeks. I took three rounds of misoprostol because I wanted to avoid a D&C. As of last week I still had HCG in my system but I have another draw in a couple days. I'm hoping my cycle resumes soon (today marks 7 weeks since the mc).

2. How do you feel today? Well I generally feel pretty crappy about all of this on a daily basis. I wish I never had to lose a baby at 22 weeks. I had thought my bad luck was over only to have another miscarriage. I feel sorry for myself. However, I have a beautiful daughter and she makes me smile every day. I try not to let my sadness show when I am around her. I'm also painfully jealous over all my friends' pregnancies and wish I didn't feel that way.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they? dH and I have our first appointment with the fertility clinic on the 21st. We are hoping to get some answers. It very well could all just be bad luck though. The little girl we loss had Turner's and we already know that was just a fluke.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?@Zbug: amen to wine! It's a big coping strategy these days for me, as awful as that sounds. I also enjoy reading. My work keeps me busy so I am not constantly thinking about my losses and TTC again. I try to devote my energy into my DD when she is awake. I have a therapist I see occasionally who helped DH and I last winter when we we had our loss. I have also connected with a girl from my high school who also loss a daughter to turner's. I do my best to tell myself that DD will have a sibling one day and try not to dwell too much on the time ticking by.

All you ladies help too. Sometimes I feel like no one I know has gone through anything close to what DH and I have been through this last year. It's just happy pregnancy after happy pregnancy in my group of friends. Although I would never wish this upon anyone, It is nice to know I am not alone. I hope the new year brings healthy pregnancies and babies to all of us.
jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Nov 30, 2015

@delight: *hugs* You remind me so much of where I'm at in this journey too.. without the crappy IVF part of course. I hope your levels sort themselves out, mine too! x
Pirouette
pomegranate / 3331 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Joining in here, and sending so much love and support to all of you. Reading your stories makes me realize how different everyone's journey is, but how we have so many common threads as well.

1. What is your story? I have an almost 2 year old, and knew I wanted a second, but felt very much not ready to have a second for a long time. Then all of the sudden in april, I had a surprise pregnancy, and it was like a switch went off, I wanted that baby so bad! I miscarried around 6 weeks, and we agreed not to ttc yet, and I didn't feel emotionally ready. I think the loss hit me a lot harder than I was prepared for, especially since it was a surprise. We stopped preventing in September, and I was optimistic, but after a recent chemical, I'm starting to feel like this could be a long road. Feeling discouraged from the highs and lows of 2 recent bfps and not being pregnant.

2. How do you feel today? Discouraged and hopeful, nervous and excited, scared and optimistic. In short, I have no clue how to feel! Tomorrow marks the beginning of my would be due date month, and I'm thankful it's also lo's birthday month so I have a happy distraction.

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they? I'm going to give it 2 more cycles and see what happens. Then I prob want to get some testing done. I'm a bit older than when I had lo, my eggs aren't getting any younger!

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you? Haha yes to wine! I just splurged on a few nice bottles for the holidays because I can. I'm focusing a lot on my amazing family of 3 that is truly perfect. And taking it one day at a time.

@winniebee: definitely some similarities, at least superficially, in our stories. I had mentioned in one of your prior threads about it, but I did initially blame nursing for my m/c. The recent chemical has my head spinning about age, but I'm trying to keep in mind how common chemical pregnancies are.

@jaguar: I hope you got good news!

@Tanjowen: I feel the same way about finally being ready. It is so frustrating because you can't possibly know how long it will take!
delight
pomelo / 5326 posts

Nov 30, 2015

@jaguar: yes we have similar timelines. I was originally on the April 2013 board but that was my first mc and ended up with an August 2013 babe. I hope we both get everything sorted out this week with our levels and that we are on to happier days!
Crystal
grapefruit / 4028 posts

Nov 30, 2015

1. What is your story?
Started NTNP in Jan 2013. Started actively trying to TTC in June 2013. Got our first BFP in November of 2013, but started spitting the day before thanksgiving and lost the baby the day after thanksgiving. This time of year is always hard for me.

Kept trying, and got our second BFP in June of this year on my second round of Clomid. Lost our second pregnancy a few days before my bday in August at 12 weeks. It's devastating.

2. How do you feel today?
Some days are worse than others. Like @MaryM,
I'm trying to respect my feelings more. I realize now I didn't deal with everything fully the last time, so I'm still working through it. I have good days, and really bad days...

3. If you have any "next steps" what are they?
Keep on keeping on. Dr is running lots of blood tests, then we'll start Clomid again in January.

4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you?
Trying to be kind to myself, and honest about my feelings. Also taking time when I need it, and not forcing myself to go to things where I'll have to sit through baby conversation.
jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Nov 30, 2015

Still pregnant. Levels at 17. They want me to start Provera now.

LIKE I HAVE BEEN REQUESTING TO DO FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS NOW AND THEY KEPT FAFFING ME AROUND ABOUT.

Not real impressed. I have been having miscarriage bloods done weekly since OCTOBER. It's December! For pete's sake! They won't do anything more invasive because despite being stalled/stuck, the levels are too low to warrant d&c or drugs.

So... like I requested weeks ago, we try and induce a bleed. I swear, I need to retrain as a nurse and just manage myself.
Crystal
grapefruit / 4028 posts

Dec 1, 2015

@jaguar: ugh, I'm so sorry friend. I'm glad you get to start it now though!
Zbug
persimmon / 1355 posts

Dec 1, 2015

@jaguar: I'm annoyed for you. I can't imagine how frustrating this is right now. Sending hugs.
Zbug
persimmon / 1355 posts

Dec 1, 2015

@Pirouette: @winniebee: oh ladies. I too wonder if my mmc last summer was somewhat related to nursing. DD weaned in October, then I had a chemical last month. I'm now worried that was due to age. A bit ironically, I worried abt fertility issues before dd. We conceived her easily though, so I of course didn't anticipate such a rough road trying for number two.
Nutella
persimmon / 1045 posts

Dec 1, 2015

Hi ladies, thought I'd post my story here - the support here is always so amazing

1. What is your story?

We have an amazing 22mo LO & he is seriously so awesome. It's such a fun age and I'm pretty lucky to be able to spend so much time with him at the moment.

We started trying for LO2 in June and got BFP straight away which surprised us as LO took a few more months (again lucky for us). I had a very different early pregnancy to my first as I had minimal MS and hardly any other symptoms apart from fatigue. Found out at 8w dating scan that little bean had stopped growing around 6w and there was no heartbeat. It was a missed MC - hence no symptoms leading me to think anything other than good news.. Was devastated & ended up going with d&c few days after the weekend. Had to wait 6w for cycle to return, and both cycles since have been BFNs.

2. How do you feel today?

I'm a bit ambivalent at the moment. I have lost the intense hope I had soon after the d&c (our OB had mentioned being super fertile after a MC) and now I just feel a bit sad and helpless that it will take months longer.

I feel silly for getting so sad about this when I hear it's so common, but I'm surprised as anyone that it's affecting me so much. I think because I SAH, I have slightly more opportunity to dwell and 'feel the feelings' which I'm not sure is good or bad.
I get pangs of jealousy and bitterness when I think of others I know due around my due date, which is hard. I'm sad that many friends here have distanced themselves recently due to us moving countries soon...makes this whole thing extra shit and lonely.

3. If you have any next steps, what are they?

Just focus on family Xmas plans, and keep on trying whenever we can. Thankfully it has just been 'bad luck' and I know it will happen for us so in the meantime I have to stay a good mum to my increasingly demanding LO.

4. What coping strategies have worked best for you?

First I withdrew from everyone, including DH, but then I realised my DH needed to be in the loop for me to move past it. I ended up looking up a counsellor to talk through things. It has been wonderful...

I'm on the fence about charting next time. Also a fan of the gym to get the endorphins.

@winniebee: I know exactly what you mean about the universe making you plan everything out! I was so excited when we got our BFP this year because it was so relaxed and unexpected! But now it is most definitely baby-making sex and it's a high-stakes! Good luck to you xx

Hugs to everyone on here - you are all amazing!
Pirouette
pomegranate / 3331 posts

Dec 1, 2015

@jaguar: how beyond frustrating! At least there is an end in sight to this madness now.

@Zbug: this was me exactly. I was told i would struggle to have kids on my own, and expected it to be a long road with #1. I got pregnant immediately! And then a surprise pregnancy had me totally overconfident. Now, a miscarriage and a chemical later, and staring 35 in the face, I cant help but think it was a miracle i got pregnant so easily with lo and that this is more normal for me.

@Nutella: i hear you on the feeling silly for feeling sad, especially since i have a healthy 2 year old (and yes, isnt this age the best?!) But just because it is common, doesn't make it easier. I'm sorry you are also dealing with loneliness on top of it.
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Dec 1, 2015

@jaguar: omg Jag. I can't believe your levels are still stalled...
winniebee
hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

Dec 1, 2015

@jaguar: This is insane to me. I'm so sorry you're still going through this!
mrsmacandcheese
blogger / clementine / 985 posts

Dec 1, 2015

So much love to everyone.
Tanjowen
nectarine / 2521 posts

Dec 2, 2015

@jaguar: I'm so sorry you are still going through this.

@Nutella: Yes to what you wrote about being surprised about feeling so sad and having a hard time. I waver between feeling so sad and then feeling silly to be so sad because I have a healthy little boy.

In other news, I go in Friday to schedule a d&c. I am ready for this to all be over and frustrated because it feels like it's been dragging on so long - this Friday will be exactly 1 month since I started miscarrying.
Nutella
persimmon / 1045 posts

Dec 2, 2015

@Pirouette: sending good wishes your way! The good side to TTC for me is really seeing pregnancy and childbirth as everyday miracles...so darn elusive but so worth it

@Tanjowen: I'm glad to hear you will be making next step on Friday. I know I felt a million times better (off a very low base!) once I had a time & date planned for my d&c. I felt like it was able to let me start to move on. Hugs to you
Nutella
persimmon / 1045 posts

Dec 2, 2015

@jaguar: oh no! Just saw this - I'm so sorry. Hopefully you've got some distractions to help through the dreaded waiting
mrsmacandcheese
blogger / clementine / 985 posts

Dec 7, 2015

I feel really bummed right now. Going over the "I'm supposed to be pregnant" litany in my head. I thought I could handle the holidays by being gung ho but right now it seems like a tall order.
LibbyLou
kiwi / 739 posts

Dec 7, 2015

@MrsDragon: I know me too.

I thought I would be getting baby stuff and maternity wear for Christmas. It sucks because I think most people expect me to be over it. I was "only" 8 weeks. No one except my mom thinks about it everyday.
Nutella
persimmon / 1045 posts

Dec 7, 2015

@MrsDragon: sorry

@LibbyLou: I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel so alone because I know even my mum doesn't understand how bad it was for me...she means we'll but is very practical about things so doesn't 'dwell' if you know what I mean. My DH said he was surprised I took it so hard too!
I'm looking at another bfn this cycle I think - pretty sure AF will be here tomorrow so I'm mad I have to wait until the new year now.

I'm also really pissy at this new naturopath / acupuncture clinic I tried twice now...the girl who saw me seems so vague and inexperienced (& young too)...so I'm not feeling like my money is going very far. Plus she spends too much of the acupuncture part talking to me about stupid inane chit chat, immediately after my session is finished so I don't get to fully enjoy the relaxation. I'm irritated and feel like I should complain but don't know if that's too OTT.
jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Dec 8, 2015

Nobody here "gets" it either.
Crystal
grapefruit / 4028 posts

Dec 8, 2015

@MrsDragon: @LibbyLou: I'm right there with you... I talked to my mom the other day about how this is not something to "get over" it is and will live with me... This time year can be equally great and hard.

@Nutella: is there another person you can visit?

@jaguar: big hugs, friend. How are you doing?
Nutella
persimmon / 1045 posts

Dec 8, 2015

@Crystal: this time of year is a bit tricky isn't it!
Yeah there's my old practitioner who was always great but so far away, I could only go on weekend appointments which are hard to get. But clearly worth it once you see the difference in experience. How are you going?
mrsmacandcheese
blogger / clementine / 985 posts

Dec 8, 2015

As much as I'm glad I'm not alone, I'm sad that we're all dealing with this. I feel better now that the tree is done and decorated -- I know that one day I will be experiencing the holidays pregnant, or with a baby. That time is not right now, and it sucks, but it is what it is. Sending love to everyone!
Nutella
persimmon / 1045 posts

Dec 8, 2015

@MrsDragon: how do you keep your LO out of the Xmas tree? Ours is half decorated and looks ridiculous, but I can't have anything hanging within his reach!