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It depends on what you want them to change. Over time I have seen my husband go from being an impulsive shopper who spent money without thinking to a very budget conscious person because we now have shared goals that we want to save up for. I didn't force him to change but I encouraged him to think before spending money. I think talking to him about it is the first step. Hugs!

My husband and I routinely talk to each other about things that bug us about the other but its always grounded in the concept that we're in this no matter what, we love each other just the way the other is, BUT there are ways to improve the quality of our relationship to make our life better. And that whatever the issue is, its OUR problem jointly simply by virtue of the fact that we're married to each other. So the solutions have to be jointly agreed to. So our conversations go something like:

"I feel like our [spending/eating/sleeping/drinking habits/etc.] are affecting [my mental health/physical health/our relationship/etc.] in this [negative] way. [Perhaps include specific example of problem and how its affected me.] This makes me feel like [crap]. I was wondering if we could talk about this and think of ways we can make this better because I feel like if we don't address it, its just going to get worse and its going to make things difficult [for me/for us/for our children/our future goals/etc]. What do you think?"

Sometimes this puts the other person on the defensive. At that point, we'll say "Okay well maybe it would help me if you could explain more [why you do this/the motivation behind the action] and that way I could get more perspective andunderstand the situation a little bit better."

If they explain their justification and it still doesn't add up or make you change your mind, you can then just reiterate your perspective. "Okay, I see what's going on. Well, that's helpful to know but do you my side of this? How when [this thing happens] it makes me feel [this certain way]?"

At this point, once both perspectives are on the table, we look at each other and say "okay, so how do we fix this?" And sometimes it means one person needs to change, sometimes it means we both have to compromise, and sometimes it means I need to fix my perspective. But whatever has to happen, its OUR solution.

eek, this is sensitive. things that have nothing to do with character - things like: picking up after themselves more, helping around the house, not saying things like always and never in an argument ... those kinds of things can be changed and fixed for the better. But once you go into the character territory, it gets a little icky. Like if you're talking about, the way he addresses criticism, or if he's emotionally closed in (my DH is like this) .. these are things that need to be worked on BY your husband. And he's going to want to do it. So it's kind of tricky.

@Remcatt: Are you open to sharing a little more? Is it a personality trait of his you want to change? Or something else? It is an ongoing issue or a more recent thing?

EDIT: You answered my questions while I was replying!!!! Sorry!

@Remcatt: Right, so it's mostly about being an active partner in the running of the household. So.... how long have you guys lived together? Has he always been this way?

I think for all the reasons you listed, the advice in your other thread would still stand. I don't think you should only expect your husband to change to fit what you think is the ideal.

I think you need to work with him to come up with compromises you both can work with.

Why does it need to be up to only him to be more mindful or more proactive? You both should be willing to work at them.

I agree with @Cherrybee: that it's about BOTH people being active and acting like partners and meeting in the middle.

My short answer is I don’t think you can get people to change; but I also don’t think most of your poll choices are necessarily that healthy either because the first 2 expect you to basically bottle up your frustrations and ignore them and the last oneis something only a newly married Mother Theresa(s) could select!

Do you and your husband discuss the areas at issue in detail and specifics? Have you shared your desired outcome, and why? Can you pinpoint for him what the problem is in the way things are currently being handled; and offer examples of why the current behavior is an issue as well as possible solutions?

For example: what is your frustration with “being responsible for the payment process for bills”? Are they not getting paid on time? Are you racking up late fees, losing points on your credit? What if *you* took over being responsible for paying the bills instead of your husband? What if you both set up some automatic debits for bills?

I don't think it's always wrong to want your partner to change; it's normal since we all have different ways of doing things and most of us feel like our way is the right way to do it (obviously, why else would we do it our way?). If it's just a matter of two different approaches with the same outcome, I just remind myself that different people have different solutions, both of which can be valid. If there is an issue we need to solve, then we talk about it.

I think open communication is key.

@Stacy: Heh well for the five years we've lived together it has worked very well for him to have one room of the house where it's okay for him to be a little bit more messy - our office basically doubles as his changing room, since he keeps his clothes in the walk-in closet in there. Having that outlet has been enough to help him stop dropping clothes (or anything else) all over the rest of the house. But we'll see what happens once the baby is here. He did agree he would have to stop doing it then, so hopefully change is possible!

Our biggest issues were all "fixed" by DH going to counseling. There were anger issues that he had that were starting to get in the way of our relationship and since going to counseling he REALLY mellowed out and we both talk more candidly about everything now. He got to the root of his issues and knows himself better and I think it has greatly helped our marriage!

@mediagirl: Same here. We just talk. As with any relationship, time brings change. Something that mattered before might not matter now, and who knows how we'll want things in the future. We call it checking in, and I think it helps your partner feel supported, and helps you feel listened to.