It's becoming clear that DH and I are having some communication issues lately and it's starting to hurt our bond. Not enough to get super worried but I'd like to work on this before it becomes a glaring issue. Does anyone have any books or other resources that have helped you in the past? I'm not opposed to counseling in the slightest but it would be very difficult to manage at this point with our crazy schedules so I'm looking to see if there is anything else that might help us before we get to that point. Thanks for your insight!
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Its hard to say what can help without some idea of how you are miscommunicating. Are you not talking, not listening, misinterpreting, etc?
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I get the impression that communication is the hardest thing when it comes to relationships. (I could be wrong just personal opinion).
I agree with @gingerbebe: ... I mean if it's not too personal can we get an example?
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@gingerbebe: Fair question! I think it's more about not talking. DH comes from a family that doesn't really talk about things so he lets things fester until he blows up about something seemingly small. I can be the same way at times. Or when I try to talk to him about something that I deem as small, he takes it as me criticizing him. I need to learn how to better communicate with him without making him feel defensive.
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Do you guys know what love language you are?
That greatly helped us with communication.
The 5 love languages
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical TouchUsually you have a primary and a secondary.
Here is a book but there are many books
http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ -
@Raindrop: Here's a perfect example from last night that's not too personal. Long story short, DH is unhappy in his job and is trying to find a new one. He has an interview today (fingers crossed!). He was seemingly fine all evening as we went about our normal nighttime things (make dinner, put kids to bed, clean up, etc.). DH helped out by soaking the bottles and getting them ready to be put into the dishwasher, which is something I normally do. When I finished the job, I noticed that it didn't look like he cleaned out the sink before he soaked the bottles. After I finished, I asked him if next time he could clean out the sink. He told me he did. I pointed out all of the crap still in there. Basically he lied to me about something so small and so that made me mad. Later when we were going to bed, he made a comment that I don't say nice things to him and always just nitpick him. I honestly don't see that so clearly I need to change the way I talk to him. Also, he said he lied about the sink b/c he thought I would get mad at him. I told him that I wouldn't have been mad at that b/c he didn't know that's how I would want it to be done and that I was only mad b/c he lied. And after more discussion, it came out that he's really nervous about this interview and just needed more from me that day. This is just an instance of where he could have better communicated to me what he was going through and I should have known that maybe he's going through a rough time. I don't want to put more blame on either of us as we're both culpable.
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@Raindrop: I think we need to retake the test as I think mine has shifted in the past few years since having the boys. But that was definitely a book I was going to reread.
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@MUI831: Before we got married I read a lot of books on relationships. I think this one was the most useful… if I remember correctly http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/
It’s called love and respect.
Basically women and men are super simple. Women just want to know they are loved and men just want to know they are respected.
With this though you might figure out that some problems are you not feeling loved enough.
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@MUI831: In your dish washing example, I would have probably done a compliment sandwich. Maybe thanks for washing the bottles, I noticed that the sink was still a little messy after you did that, next time would you clean up the sink also? And ended it with a different complimented. But it seems like that situation was due to the stress he was feeling about the interview so maybe you don’t need this?
In your not talking thing… My Dh is somewhat like that. I think the problem was he was just not in tune with his feelings at all.
What I did is when I think he seems upset… I say out loud what I think he might be thinking / feeling, he may not talk on his own but he’s not against correcting me if I guess his thoughts and feelings wrong (sometimes I get them really wrong on purpose, haha). That works for me. I also guessed his feeling and thinking on random things for fun.
Over time doing this he actually is more in tune to his feelings since he has to think about it when I guess and he can better express himself without me pulling this.
With nagging and criticizing… I think I read once that mentioning something once and then one reminder should be acceptable to a man. If you say more than twice than it’s consider nagging for us. I should note that some men need more reminders though and you should gauge that.
I hope that helps. It takes a long time to figure out what’s right for you. It took a lot of trial and error for me, so even though these worked for me it might not work for you because everyone is different.
Good luck though!
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DH is a little like that. He definitely needs lots of encouragement! I have had to learn to choose my criticisms carefully, and offer up a lot of positive reinforcement... That way when I do have issues he doesn't feel beat down.
I also try to phrase things so it's more about me and less about him. "Wow! Thanks for soaking the bottles for me! One trick I have learned is to wipe the sink out with vinegar before soaking them. It seems to keep food particles out of them and keeps things smelling fresh for longer."
Maybe even just make it a point of asking him every evening how his day was. I started doing this, and DH started reciprocating. It gives us a great opportunity to clue one another in to any feelings.
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There is a helpful book that's is called First, Kill all the Marriage Counselors. I'm listening to it on audiobook and it is awesome for what I needed to learn!! It is geared toward women but DH accidentally listened to most of it one day and he gave it thumbs up.
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Well, I don't have any books to suggest, but I just wanted to say I can relate.
My DH comes from a seriously non-confrontational family where they NEVER talk about their issues and then if someone is butt hurt about something, they just stop talking to the offender for a really long time. The family's solution is just to be UBER polite to everyone all the time and never confront each other about anything.
I come from a family that is totally the opposite - nosy, hypercritical, opinionated, argumentative, blunt, and we much prefer to hash things out through confrontation and then heal afterwards. We also tend to jump on things in the heat of the moment.
For us, we had to have several conversations ABOUT having conversations in order to figure out "rules of engagement." Since we've been married, I've had to sweeten my tone from "can you not leave your socks on the ground?" to "do you think you can help me keep the house a little tidier and maybe put your socks in the hamper?" because his family is just more polite. We also "schedule" times to talk about issues instead of just dealing with them when I'm annoyed or right before bed. So now I'll say "do you think today or tomorrow we could make a little time to chat about a few things?" and that will be DH's warning that I have some stuff that's bugging me, but gives him the opportunity to pick a time where he's less likely to be crabby.
I've had to explain to DH that my bluntness of tone doesn't necessarily mean I'm mad or being confrontational, but that its just how my family talks. I've also had to explain that my family is hypercritical out of love, in some twisted way. So he's had to toughen up a little more and be less defensive and trust that most of the time, my intentions are good.
One book that might help conflicts and misunderstandings a little less frequent is the 5 Love Languages. The basic premise is that everyone has some predominant way they communicate love and sometimes couples are "speaking" to each other in different languages. For instance, I show love through service, like cooking a really nice meal, and my husband shows love through physical touch and words of encouragement, like a kiss and a "thank you, this looks delicious!" Sounds great, but then after the meal, he gets up and walks away, leaving a messy kitchen and dishes and I feel resentful that I didn't get any love back in the form of service. By understanding what each other's love language is, the idea is that you can start to better "speak" the other's language and prevent resentment, frustration, etc.
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Oops! I took too long to respond - great advice from @raindrop.
I have the exact sink issue with DH. He does the dishes to be helpful but NEVER rinses out the sink, even if it looks disgusting. Basically, its about picking your battles. I will usually just wipe/rinse it down myself and remind myself I didn't need to do the dishes, but I might mention once or twice that the sink needs to be rinsed out. I came up with a sink maintenance reason rather than a nag - like "hey, just FYI, you gotta remember to rinse the sink out because otherwise this stuff builds up in the crevices and once it hardens its impossible to get it out without using harsh chemicals and god forbid we have to recaulk the sink!"
DH and I do a quick 5-10 minute thing before bed every night where we will ask "what did you think about today?" and its sort of an open ended prompt. Usually its in the dark and we're staring at the ceiling so we're more likely to just sorta ramble about whatever is on our mind and that's when things like anxieties or worries or something comes up. We use it as a time to encourage the other and cuddle and then we end the day on a good note.
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@gingerbebe: @Raindrop: @mrsrain: @808love: Thanks so much for your replies and book suggestions. It really helps me think about things and put things into perspective. I agree that a big part of the issue is the difference in how we were raised like gingerbebe discussed above. I am pretty sure that his love language is words of affirmations. For some reason, this is hard for me to do but I need to work on that since it's something he needs. And I think mine has changed to acts of service. So, I think we need to get together over a bottle of wine and a good dinner after the kids are in bed to have a big discussion.
Seriously, thanks. I think just typing out this post helped me too.
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@MUI831: My DH is words too!! Words was really tough for me also because of how I grew up.
What I ended up doing was putting up reminders on my phone to say something nice to DH daily – the things I would say were pretty lame. This is when we were still dating. He actually appreciated the effort! After a few months he told me I could stop because he could see I was trying but struggling. I still try to do it pretty often but just not as forced. I think the effort really solidified our relationship early on because it showed I really wanted to work on things and in turn he was willing to work on things too.
It definitely has gotten easier over the years to say nice things and be appreciative of him. So don’t be discouraged that it’s hard at first.
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@MUI831: @Raindrop: Yes, words of affirmation and physical touch are HUGE for my husband. Because I come from a hypercritical family, we actually don't complement each other very much, so this was a big learning thing for me too! But its so sweet how the dumbest things mean so much to my husband. He keeps like every card and random note I send him because it doesn't "feel right" for him to throw it away or shred it. I left him a post-it on his computer monitor saying he was the best professor of loving me and DS after he got a bratty student review at work and he was SO appreciative and kept it on his computer forever! Its so easy and random to do words of affirmation that seems stupid not to incorporate it regularly. It just pays huge dividends in our marriage. I often send DH a text or a chat message during the day just to say hi and make it a point to end every conversation - even if its just to text him a grocery list - with an "I love you" or a "thank you, you're the best!" or something like that.
Another thing my husband really responds to is when I show righteous indignation on his behalf - its like a loyalty and respect thing? He'll gripe about a client or that someone at work grinding his gears about something and I'll be like "what a jerk, it was HIS fault he did such and such - he should be thankful he got a top notch to attorney to bust his butt on this stupid project in the first place." He might grumble and gripe some more but his whole demeanor changes because he knows I got his back.
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@gingerbebe: Good for you that you have "I love you" down!! I still struggle with saying that ... after 9 years of being together!
Lucky for me, DH also struggles with that. Over the years we agreed to say it once a year during our wedding anniversary and call it good because we just know it's implied the rest of the time. Haha.
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@Raindrop: @gingerbebe: Yes! The I love you thing is so difficult for me. Not b/c I don't feel it but I didn't grow up in an "I love you" family. DH did as his family says it ALL OF THE TIME! For me, saying it so much almost cheapens it. I'm really trying to get over that since I know hearing it means so much to him.
ETA: I realize it's kind of funny to say that DH grew up in a family that didn't talk about things but still said I love you all of the time. Usually those two don't always go hand in hand.
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The Love & Respect book and Five Love Languages books that @Raindrop: suggested really helped me a lot. I also read a ton during our engagement and first few years of marriage. I really love books by Gary Chapman and Kevin Leman.
Do you ever have time to take a walk or drive somewhere? My DH talks a lot more when we are doing something like this. I also find I have to give him time to think if I have questions for him. I tend to talk a lot faster, try to fill in the silence, etc. but he needs a minute to think about his answer before he responds.
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@MUI831: Check out John Gottman's stuff. I am a therapist and he was referenced often in my grad program! His work is well-researched and widely used in couples therapy.
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@MUI831: I know you only gave one example, but from this example I will say the biggest thing I've learned in my marriage is that my husband isn't going to do things exactly the way I do them or want them done. So, I can either thank him and accept his imperfect help or I can do it myself. I'd be pretty upset if I did something to help him out and all he had to say was I didn't do it good enough for him. I think there needs to be some give and take here. Put it in perspective - is it really a big deal he didn't wash the sink out first since they were going in the dishwasher anyways? Is it worth potentially hurting his feelings to say anything? Or is it easier to let it go or just redo it on your own? Before I confront DH about anything I take a breather and ask myself these questions. Usually the answer is let it go and just thank him
If you have trouble expressing words of affirmation to him directly, start with a text. Usually I forget to thank DH for something in person, but it still means a lot to him when I remember and do it via text.
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@MUI831: Great-Yes, I hope you will check it out at some point. Everyone's relationship is so unique and complex. We've read through Love and Respect, 5 Love Languages, Gottman, Chapman, groups, counseling etc but I felt the book I recommended above 'worked' the best for me at this point in our relationship. You also mention both of you being very 'busy' so just to note the book has a modern day angle geared toward helping decisive women of today.
By the way, reading everyone's supportive comments on this thread is so encouraging with the everyday relationship hot spots that come up and how to seek ways to handle it better!
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@catomd00: I totally get your point and have been trying really hard to remember this. My only issue this time really is that we sometimes thaw raw meat in that sink so I worry about contamination. Your thought process was the same as his. This time, I just had to run the sanitation cycle which unfortunately takes over 3 hours instead of the usual hour. And to be fair, I did thank him profusely when he started. But maybe this is just me being defensive.
@808love: I love the use of the word "decisive".
And I agree! Everyone has been very supportive. Thank you. Last night, we were even joking about our issue from the day before. It's a good reminder that we need to check in with each other more often than we were and that we really need to express to each other when we're going through a rough time. It's been a tough year since we're both in jobs that we don't like and we have the stress of a new baby. But I know we're committed to our family. Also, it sounds like his interview went really well so that's a plus!
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