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Yikes. I know it sucks, but I'd pull him immediately. Do you have anyone that can watch him until you find a new center? As an isolated incident, this would be enough for me to leave. They KNOW he has an allergy and are intentionally giving him dairy anyway - hell no. Even if you wanted to be forgiving, this seems to be a pattern of conduct where they totally disregard your instructions. I'm sure the teachers are nice and fun and Xander probably has a good time, but that's not enough. And yes, the director should be calling you back immediately - I can't imagine how she doesn't fire the offending teachers at this point.

Our daycare provides food but we opted to bring our own and have only recently laxed a bit. They are all well aware on our feelings on sweets. The one day DH went to pick LO up early and all kids, including LO, were having supermarket cupcakes. You bet your ass the teacher immediately went red faced and apologized that they gave that to LO. You bet DH gave them a piece of his mind.

That's not even an allergy that we went to ER for. It's their responsibility to watch your child and keep him safe and respect your wishes. They clearly do not because they're repeat offenders.

If I were you, with the history you've told us about this daycare, I would definitely pull my son, and also lodge a complaint with whatever department regulates daycares in your state. They could KILL a child with this attitude towards allergies.

This is beyond ridiculous and negligent on their part. Did he do ok? Yes. But what if he DIDN'T? What then?! I am floored by their actions. FLOORED. I'd be pulling him immediately. That is not ok. Allergies aren't something to experiment with.

Sadly (and from my own experience) you can have someone who is wonderful as a teacher that creates a wonderful learning environment, but that doesn't always mean they know how to act in the best interest of every child. If you really want to keep him there maybe pack your own lunch and talk to the teachers, but food allergies are something that I wouldn't chance risking. It might be best to find another daycare.

@Adira: Is it hard to find a new daycare? I know around my area, there are waiting lists. But it might be worth calling around at least? This is not something trivial...I would be really upset.

I am so sorry! I just pulled DS fromdaycare and a former teacher from the daycare is currently watching DS. I am hearing so many horrible stories from her about the corners they cut and things they ignore. None of it is shocking enough to really be concerned but its interesting to hear what goes on behind the scenes!

@Adira: If you are not comfortable doing the confrontation could your DH take care of it?

Girl, you got four options.

1) Do nothing. This will keep happening.

2) March your ass in there and speak with the director. Stand up for your son. Be a bad ass about it. Take a half day or some sick time. That is what it is for.

3) Do the passive thing and pull him and put him somewhere else

4) Let DH handle it

Honestly, i think you need to figure out how to deal with this shit. It is not going to be the first time. It is not going to be the last.

Here's why I don't think just talking with the director will cut it, and you need to move him.

When those teachers told you that, your reaction should have been a shit storm. You should have been furious and setting them straight, telling them they could have put him in the hospital, etc. From what I can tell, you didn't do that.

Even if the director comes in there and tells them how serious this is, they aren't going to take it seriously because YOUR reaction wasn't serious. The director can say "Adira was really upset" but they will think "No she wasn't, we talked to her."

They are going to continue to underestimate how serious this is. They've proven themselves to be careless and irresponsible.

Time to suck it up and switch daycares. It's your baby. You can find it within yourself to do whatever it takes to make him safe.

@Adira: this is bs!!! I used to work in a daycare and take food allergy really seriously because I have seen the consequences. I like the idea of your DH stepping in and being the bad cop. I would talk to the teacher's supervisor ASAP and if they don't take it seriously find him a new program. Sorry you are dealing with this

@blackbird: your advice rocks and has a do-able option from many perspectives and was kind...wanna be my life coach? ha

@Adira: This SUUUUCKS. And I know it isn't as clear cut as it looks from the outside. I would guess that Xander loves his daycare and that is one of the reasons it would be so hard to switch or burn bridges with them. I would also guess that finding a new daycare would be very difficult and maybe impossible.

If you choose to stay at the daycare and still struggle with confrontation, and your partner doesn't do 'bad cop', consider emails to both the director and staff regarding your expectations. It is not the most assertive thing in the world but it is a step in the right direction. You can keep it clear but nice, or add a little explanation of the consequence of them not following your dietary restriction; at this point you are well within your rights to complain to your government organization that licenses daycares.
The email has several benefits: it gives you a chance to organize your thoughts, you avoid direct confrontation but still communicate your anger and expectations, and, my favorite, EVERYTHING is in writing. You can even request that the recipients reply with an acknowledgement that they have received the message.
(I have done this not as a parent, but professionally when there were breaches of contract for my services but I didn't want to completely alienate the customer.)

Good luck. Hang in there.

Just want to offer support! I'm sure you must be upset about the whole thing, and I'm sure it's not as easy as 1-2-3 to find a new daycare.

That being said, I would 100% start looking, and plan to move him once a spot opens up somewhere else. It's up to you whether you want to further the confrontation in the meantime. I personally would, because god forbid they take it a step further with the experimentation and he ends up in the ER. I can't tell if the issue is that they think they know better than you re: his allergies and what he can/can't handle, or whether it's laziness/forgetfulness--doubtful, since it sounds like they purposely gave him things they know he's not supposed to have. Regardless, I wouldn't feel comfortable having my child watched by people I don't trust, simple as that.

@blackbird: great breakdown of the options! totally agree.

I am so sorry you are going through this- as someone who works with kids in the director level- if something happened that one of my parents wasn't happy about (aka someone experimenting with his life....)- I would expect the shit show and to be yelled at.... that's what parents do to protect their child- that's what you need to do in this situation. I don't mean to be harsh- but they are endangering the life of your child by giving him things he is allergic too- that in itself deserves a rampage- and switching schools. You cant be passive on this. I totally feel for you- this just sucks!!!

I don't like confrontations either but in this case, my mama bear would come out rip their effin heads off. It sucks that you have to deal with this at all but think of it this way, your LO is still so young and can't advocate for himself. He can't tell them "don't feed me that, I can't eat it or I may die". It is our jobs as parents to protect our children and advocate for them. This whole situation is making me so mad and it is not even my kid! As difficult as it is, I think you're going to have to dig deep and find that mama bear.

I think you were clear enough! No dairy isn't a hard concept and you've been explicit about that.

Still, I agree with the others that I would find another place to put your son during the day. This center does not deserve your trust anymore.

Because it sounds like it isn't possible to move daycares immediately, I would start documenting all of your concerns in emails or letters to the director and the teachers, if they have work email, today. Express your grave disappointment at their disregard of your explicit instructions and your expectation that they will follow your directions to a T in the future. You can hand the teachers copies at drop-off or pick-up if they don't have email. Keep copies of everything you send and be as clear as possible regarding how you want your son to be fed. I'd personally put the important parts in bullet points like "[My son] should NOT be fed dairy" and bold that part. Tell the director you want the teachers to hang those directions up in the part of the classroom where the food is served so they have to walk past it every time there is a meal. Then I would check to make sure that they are there every day.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. They have put you in an unfair position--leave or be run roughshod over--and that isn't your fault, although I do feel that it reflects very poorly on them.

I think documenting all of your concerns from here on out is important. Words that are spoken are easier to ignore than ones that are written down.

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this. I'm mad for you, and worried for Xander. This is negligence on their part--their one job is to take care of the children there, and they have not done that. Although confrontation is hard and awkward and not fun, you can bet I'd be in that director's face about this. I agree that you should speak to the director in person, and the teachers should definitely know that this is NOT okay.

Although it won't be easy to find another daycare, I simply would not be comfortable keeping my child there, especially considering this isn't even your first issue with them, and more importantly because it is not their place to experiment on your child. You make the rules to protect him. Now go do it.

@Adira: OMG - was yesterday national feed kids allergens day???

My daycare gave LO eggs yesterday "because she's such a good eater (they) don't think she's really allergic. BTW (they're) going to start giving fish too." WTF??? I happen to not think my LO really has an egg allergy but we've discussed that her allergist said 18 months after her reaction at 6 months.

Your situation is much scarier. It feels horrible when people you trust violate that trust.

ETA: Just so you know, I didn't say anything about the egg daycare fed my LO. I was too shocked and honestly too interested in whether or not she reacted. I'm pretty sure my whole reaction was "don't feed her fish until I do - I'll do it soon."

Clearly I do not handle confrontation well. I just read everyone's messages to you and I'm going to psych myself up for a talk with the lady (in home so no director). Even though nothing happened to my LO I don't want her to think it's OK at all for the next kid.