Do any of you have to deal with this? I have a friend who is dealing with depression and to me she is just stuck in a vicious cycle. She doesnt want to do anything like work or be around people because she is depressed and then she says she is depressed because she has no life. I never know what to say to her because everything makes her upset and she just wants to talk about how depressed she is constantly. its very draining. If I call her or see her thats all she talks about and if i text her something simple like "hey how are you" she will reply with no less than 15 text messages describing how bad her life is. Which in reality is no worse than anyone elses.
What can I do as a friend, because I am really at a loss what to say or do
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I had a roommate who was depressed - it was really, really hard. Depression (saying this as someone who has been there) makes you selfish - you're focused on your pain and it is hard to see the world around you and makes it really hard to be a good friend back to people. And that's OK, but it makes relationships suffer.
The important thing to remember is that you aren't her therapist and the most you can do is get her towards help. Even if her life isn't worse off than anyone, depression is twisting how she sees it. Encouraging her to get help can be awkward, especially if she doesn't see that she has a real problem. But just remember if your relationship isn't super-happy-fun-times now anyway, you aren't gonna make it worse by trying.
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I think it's important to keep reaching out to the friend. Ask her to go get food, fro yo, drinks, a walk or yoga, a movie...anything to get her engaged in an activity and out of the house. Send her funny articles or emails. Let her know you love her. And encourage her to get help by seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Good luck. Being on your end is tough, but remember, her end is tougher right now.
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Definitely encourage her to see someone...you cannot be her therapist. One, you aren't trained to handle the situations well. Two, it's draining for you.
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Thanks for the suggestions. I barely have any freetime for hanging out because of the baby, and even when I do ask she never wants to or she will come and then be down in the dumps the entire time... ot the point that even if I am focusing on my baby when she is crying, my friend will feel neglected. sigh
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Is she depressed or just really needy?
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@jedeve: well she is having counselling. But I agree its hard to tell if someone is truly depressed or not.
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this stinks all around.
Sometimes, as a friend all you can do makes some cookies, wrap 'em in a ribbon, ding your friends doorbell, give her a hug, some cookies, tell her you love her and walk away.
i don't know.
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I've dealt with a few friends like this. I try to help as much as I can. Encourage them to go out, see a therapist, etc. In the end I always feel like I have to think about myself first though. Like you said, you have your own life and baby to take care of. Do what you can to help your friend, but you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
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There is difference between clingy and needy and DEPRESSED. I don't know whcih is your friend.
I had a best friend who was clinically depressred. Honestly, she took her own life this year. I can't talk much more about it because it still traumatizes me to a great extent...but my advice is: don't ignore any talk of suicide and make sure someone in her life forces..yes FORCES...her to get help. I couldn't get her there..I should have used her boyfriend because she listened to him more but he was a tool that didn't realize she had a problem (despite that she was on meds) -
My BFF gets depressed and it is so hard because she just shuts everyone out. I try to encourage her to get help but she just wants to deal with it her own way. I talk to her for a few months then she goes MIA for months...:-(
I have another friend who lost his twin last year and he is just lost.
His parents are also in bad shape...I hope they can all get the help they need.
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I have severe depression so this hits home. And don't call a depressed person needy... That's just rude. For me, the best thing someone can do is actually seem like they care. Txt me and ask how I'm doing, come over and go on a walk with me.
Next time you talk to her I would suggest she see about medications and counseling. Maybe even be honest that it hurts you to see her so down and you want to see her feeling better.
Good luck!
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I also have clinical depression & and anxiety disorder, so I get where you're coming from.
I know how difficult it can be to deal with someone who constantly needs your attention, but depression is a medical condition.
If she truly has depression, and isn't just 'down' or needy, then its important to know that depression is all-consuming. When you're in that black pit, there is nothing else that seems to matter, and nothing that really seems to help. She probably doesn't ever feel like going out (as you said), but at the same time, feels guilty that she doesn't ever go out (therefore making her even more upset).If she is truly depressed, please know that she isn't being self-centred or needy on purpose. But you might not be the best person for her at this time, because you're very busy with your baby (and having your OWN life). I'd encourage her to keep talking to a therapist, and see a doctor for some help.
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This sounds like a precarious situation.. as someone who has dealt with depression the better part of my life - I know how it works, what it feels like and what I want out of my friends.
Firstly - she is NEVER going to get better with an attitude like that. Depressed or not - she needs to snap out of it and DO SOMETHING in order to get better. People who wallow in their self-pity and do nothing about it will make themselves worse. I resent the notion that all depressed people are selfish, because for me to get over my humps I need to sacrifice my wants each day in order to try and live a happy, healthy life.
Your friend is not healthy and honestly it sounds VERY self-induced.
There comes a point when you can't just be there for her and be a sympathetic friend, you have to be that friend that will tell her what she really doesn't want to hear but maybe needs to. She will get mad and you may lose that friendship...at least for a little while. But if people keep catering to her, then she won't get better. If they care to admit it - people in positions like that LOVE the attention. They love the pain, the pity, the wallowing. It's sick and twisted and totally true.
You can easily tell her that she is a negative influence in your life and that for her life to gets better she not only needs to seek help but she needs to WANT to get better (she will say she does, but she really doesn't). She needs to make changes in her life that will help her achieve that. She needs to start going places, when she does go out with you, you cannot allow her to dominate the conversation with "oh poor me."
And diet is a huge pre-cursor to depression. I have noticed that the crappier I eat, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the crappier I eat. It's a downward spiral. Some days I need to give up feeling awful and make those hard choices to eat right. In as soon as a day, I start feeling a little brighter.
So if you don't feel you can be that friend who speaks hard truths, maybe you need to take a break for awhile? Especially with the stage of life you are in right now. You need to focus on your daughter.
sorry this is so long
EDIT: I Really hope I don't offend anyone with this post. Like I said, I've struggled with depression for much of my life so I guess that makes me feel qualified to write this because this is how I am and what works for me. BUT everyone is different and there are so many different forms of depression that PLEASE do not take it personally if this is now how you are. Likewise, I do not know your friends @mrsbells, and this is just based off the bit of info you shared with us... so take it with a grain of salt
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I totally agree with @cocobee. I have struggled with depression myself and had a friend VERY similar to yours so what she said totally resonates with me. My friend managed to dominate every conversation with not only complaining but a full on crying session. She even cried on my wedding day right in front of me because she was so upset that I was getting married and she was still single. It seemed selfish to me at the time, because I know I was never like that while depressed, but I never held it against her or abandoned her because of it. I did all I could - kept in touch, kept calling and emailing her and being a shoulder to cry on. People told me not to, but I couldn't help it I just couldn't turn my back on her.
Several years later she's sort of snapped out of it and I have no regrets about the time I invested with her, selfish or not. I think she'll always have somewhat of a black cloud hanging over her, that's just who she is, but I see a huge improvement. Sometimes all you can do is provide constant reassurance that you will be there for them no matter what, even if you don't have all the answers and that's what I chose to do. She figured out the rest on her own.
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Thanks everyone for your reponses.
@Coco Bee: Thanks a lot I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.
His parents are also in bad shape...I hope they can all get the help they need.
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