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Not related to my child losses...but I was on celexa when my father died. I started to realize that sure, I wasn't depressed anymore, but I also wasn't really ever happy. I sort of wasn't feeling anything. That's when I went off the medication.

Child loss wise, I've only taken anxiety meds as needed.

Are you doing any sort of counseling or therapy? I feel like that's made the biggest difference in coming to terms with feelings and emotions and being able to feel them and talk about them in a healthy way. I'm not going to lie, it was HARD at first, but I think it's really made a world of difference.

@LulaBee: If you're considering going off the meds, I'd maybe think about seeing the therapist short-term just to help you work through that. I think it's easier to have them onboard through the process (I went to therapy starting before my dad died...that was a lot easier than trying to "catch up" my current therapist after our third loss) than to try to catch them up once you finally realize you've hit bottom (if it ends up being really hard once you're off the meds).

@LulaBee: It totally makes sense to me.

I think the biggest thing I've gotten out of therapy has been learning how to feel things instead of avoiding them. I tend to ignore the messy stuff and hope that it just goes away (of course it doesn't).

I don't like talking about it. But she's helped me realize that if I DO talk about it (and not just with her but with DH too), then I have SO MUCH more control over how I feel it and when I feel it and it becomes a lot less messy.

This totally makes sense to me, although not child loss related. I lost my longtime highschool sweetheart/college bf/future fiancé and now that I am married with kids it's hard to "miss" him bc I don't want to disrespect my husband. And no, my husband hasn't said or done anything to make me feel this way. It's hard. The sister of my bf actually reached out to me recently to ask if I missed him and I do but its like I can't express it or feel it. It feels wrong to not actively miss him and mourn him daily....... does that make any sense.

I kind of feel like that's how you feel... you feel wrong for not missing your son and want to feel it. I totally get it. I'm sorry I dont' have advice about meds but I do think therapy is very helpful and talking about it also helps a ton. Hugs!

@LulaBee: I think part of this is that your "normal" in terms of feeling your son's loss the last three years may have been while in an "abnormal" mental state - meaning what you experienced as your grief journey was possibly more intense because of your depression and mental health issues amplifying those feelings, so now that what you're feeling (or not feeling) seems weird. Seeing a therapist might be helpful in deciphering what is more "normal," although from experience I know SSI numbness is definitely a thing. However it might just take a while for the meds to balance everything out. Perhaps tweaking the dosage down could also help.

I had two losses. It's been 5 and 5.5 years respectively, and I don't think TOO much about them. Maybe a few times a year and usually it's with fondness or like crying when I realize they're with a newly departed relative or something (we lost DH's grandma last year and it was a big way we mourned and grieved - knowing she was with our girls). But for the most part they're just my girls and I acknowledge them but I don't sit around and actively miss them all the time.