Ugh. I just need somewhere to vent. It's the standard, why does my DH need direction to do anything. He's great about staying up on the dishes and taking out the garbage because those are his things. But he doesn't think to do anything else. I just went back to work after maternity leave, the baby was sleeping great but now her sleep is crap, and our son has flu this week. I have been saying all week how exhausted and overwhelmed I am. DH stayed home with sick kiddo this morning and I came home at lunch so that he could work a half day. He let DS have screentime literally all morning, except for breakfast, and then DH did nothing. Not even emptying the dishwasher. Didn't think to help me with the laundry, clean the litterbox, straighten up, nothing. I know I could have asked him to do stuff, but I'm so stressed that I didn't even think about it until I got home. I don't want to be mad at him, but I totally am. And my mom and i have been helping with the dishes all week when we've stayed with DS, so he hasn't even had to do all of that. Thanks for "listening ". 
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@Chuckles: I’m sorry. You’re definitely having a stressful week and coming here to vent would be exactly what I’d do in your situation. What comes to my mind in your post is that DH wasn’t thoughtful - He didn’t think to step up his game and take care of some tasks while he was home that would have made things easier for you (and him for that matter). I’m convinced most men aren’t as thoughtful as women and it causes friction when we are already stressed.
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@MrsJBeeG: thanks for saying that you'd be doing the same thing. And thoughtful is definitely the right word. I'm trying to remind myself that acts of service is my love language, but not DH's, so he doesn't think of this kind of thing like I do.
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To me all of those things are part of being a contributing member of the household. I'm here to commiserate as my DH used to do the same thing. He would be home for a few hours and would do nothing around the house. Meanwhile I would be productive and multitask to get things done around the house when given the same time frame.
It has taken time and multiple conversations but lately DH has begun to take on additional tasks without having to be asked/directed. I'm not the only one who can notice that the trash needs to go out, laundry needs to be done etc. It is not asking too much to want a partner.
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@Bluemasonjar: I totally agree. The thing about the laundry is that it's my "thing" just like the dishes are his. So he doesn't normally help with it beyond putting his own stuff away after I fold it, unless I specifically ask for him to do something. And I know he'll do the dishes tonight, probably. It's just annoying to come home to a SO who seems to have been taking it easy all morning when I have so much to do, especially with work.
ETA: and I do all the night wake ups since she's nursing. It had only been twice a night for like 10 minutes each, which was great. But she's just figured out how to pull her arms out of her swaddle and is waking herself up a ton. -
Oh we definitely have this problem too. I think it's just that somehow we (women) have just taken on the mental load and all these little household task that men could easily do, but they just never think to do it even when they have all day cause it doesn't cross their mind to do it, cause they don't have this running list of things that need to get done in their heads. They don't need to, we do it for them. Even when they help when asked, we're still the ones bearing the mental load.
I've tried to come to terms with this by trying to think of things that I never worry about at home. I feel like I do *everything* a lot of the times, but that's also cause I never have to think of the things he takes care of.
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YOU NEED TO READ FAIR PLAY OR DROP THE BALL IMMEDIATELY. Now is a great time before you get too ingrained in bad patterns.
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@PurplePumps: and @teawithpaloma: Thanks! I am going to look at that book. Even though I'm mostly upset now that he didn't do "extra" work that is typically mine just to be nice, we certainly (like most couples) have a major imbalance in the housework and mental load.
It's so crazy how we get into these patterns - our cat has been peeing on baby stuff and we've been tipping the bouncy seat on its side so that she can't climb into it and pee on it. The other day we *both* forgot to tip it over, and she peed on it. When he noticed, I immediately said, "oh shoot. I'm sorry. I forgot to tip it over." And then I was super mad at myself for taking responsibility. To be fair, he never said it was my fault, but he didn't correct me when I apologized.
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Commiseration. DS1 was home sick two days at the beginning of the month. I stayed home with him day 1 and did all sorts of extra housework that there just never seems to be time for. DH stayed home day 2 and they watched movies all day. Well I’m glad they had time together it would have been nice for something extra to hav e been done. Next time I’ll ask.
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This drives me bonkers and happens so frequently at our house. I feel like there is so much hand holding that has to be done. Please do this, and then this, and then this. We're all living in the same house, please just open your eyes! Ugh.
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@ALV91711: Exactly!! My first thought was - great I can catch up on laundry while we're home. I wouldn't have cared so much that he didn't get anything done if they had played together, but according to DH, DS "didn't want" to play games or do anything, so he just let him have screen time for 3 hours almost straight. (DS has been sick since Sunday with the flu, is on the mend, and has had *plenty* of screen time when he was feeling sicker)
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@Chuckles: I hate how it adds one more thing to our plate to have to ask them to help out with everyday tasks.
Hope your son is feeling better.
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Adding to the nonsense - DS still had a low fever yesterday, which DH knew first thing in the morning. I knew we were both stressed about taking time off from work, so I called my mom to ask her to watch DS today. I also emailed his teacher to let her know because there is a class play today. As I was getting ready for work this morning, DH asked, "What's happening today? Are you going to work?" I explained the plan for today (not even realizing that he didn't know). And he said that he had assumed that DS would be well enough to go to school today, so he hadn't even considered what would be happening. Must be nice to have a fairy godmother (wife) who will take care of things behind the scenes for you.
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@Chuckles: I totally get where you are coming from. I constantly mutter to myself "MUST BE NICE" to just say "Oh I'm going to the gym before work" or "Did the kids get flu shots this year?" I'm working through the best way to navigate this stuff since I do not like the pattern we have slipped into. I've seen improvement through better communication but it still "must be nice" to just float through and know your household will be ok.
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@Chuckles: i feel your pain on all of this but am here to commiserate on the cat pee situation. my cat has been recently diagnosed with diabetes, so has been acting out and peeing a lot. so far the only thing he peed on of the baby's is the car seat but OMG its so gross it makes me want to buy a whole new car seat, even though i've been so proud we've used the same infant seat through three kids now.
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@nwm: Ooh, we need a whole thread about that. We are doing *all* the things because it got really bad. But our cat isn't sick, she's just mad about our dog and new baby.
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That is super annoying! One thing that has worked for me to feel less like I bear the mental load is to talk about everything with DH even if I am the one who thought of it first and may ultimately do it. Like, oh we need to make a doctors appt for LO or, crap we’re almost out of diapers. That makes him accountable for it and then we decide who’s going to do it. It does often wind up being me because I have more time overall but this way he also has it on his mind.
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@JJ2626: That's a good point about making sure we're both aware. Since many of us are in the same boat, I wanted to share about a great app called Todoist (though I know there are similar ones out there). I made a "home" to do list and shared it with DH. You can also assign people to do things, so I put down all the things on my mental to do list that are for the family/house and assigned a couple of things to DH. I also assigned myself most of the things that I was going to do anyways. Plus there are a few things not assigned. So when I shared it with DH, he acknowledged the imbalance of work and it made him aware of all the things I do behind the scenes. And I said that if he ever has time to do something, he can look at the list and do one of the tasks not assigned to either of us.
HOWEVER... he then announced plans to cook gumbo this weekend. Which is like a 2 hour activity and DS won't even eat it. I was like, so you saw all the stuff I need to do and decided to give yourself a cooking project that won't even completely help with dinner?
And then he got defensive and said that he has lots of things around the house to take care of that I don't know about. And I was like, great. I know that's true. If there are things you need to get done in the next couple of weeks, put them on the list so that I know. But when asked to list the things he's needing to get done, he said that he's "keeping on eye" on a light switch that used to buzz by checking on it to see if it's started buzzing again. I was like, so you're *turning on the kitchen lights*!? Not the same, dude. Not the same.
So it's a work in progress
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Same, same. One example to commiserate. We have a narrow entryway into the house from the garage. When we come inside, we remove our shoes. You can imagine how messy this can get with kids flinging off their shoes (and the space is super tight). I ask the kids to take their shoes off nicely and line them up, but of course this doesn’t happen every time. Sneakers, flip flops, boots, rain boots, snow boots. 4 seasons in a day sometimes. So I’ll see that the area is messy and straighten out everyone’s shoes. The other day I was frustrated and said to him “We’ve been living here for 10 years!!! How many times have you ever lined up the shoes?!?!?” His reply “Maybe twice”. Isn’t that the truth?!? Has he started doing it though? Nope. *I* would have to ask him to do it. Every.time. Is it worth it? Probably not. And so it goes ... for this and many, many other things.
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So...I will fully admit that DH is amazing and an equal parent. However, his brain is still wired much differently than mine, and without concious effort and hardwork on both our parts, it is really easy to slide into a place where I am bearing all the mental load and so much of the household task load.
I highly recommend three things:
1) Read the book Drop the Ball and then drop the ball.
2) Have weekly planning sessions with your spouse. We discuss meal plan for upcoming week and who is responsible for what, appointments, kid commitments, pickups and general tasks. This is a time to hold one another accountable and ask for help.
3) Help your spouse develop systems to execute their commitments. This seems so simple or perhaps irritating that you have to help with it, but I really believe it was a key missing piece for us. Simply setting alarms on his phone has helped DH with follow thru. I have also provided him with laminated lists for packing backpacks, lunches, etc. And now he solely maintains these things and is better at them than I am. -
@SweetCaroline: Yes to all of this. Especially on the systems. I am very much a systems person and my husband is not. He is, however, a better executor than I am. So I often have to remind myself that part of my role is creating the plan so that he can carry it out.
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@Chuckles: I have to work on the weekends about 1x/month at the hospital and my husband does this too- let’s our 4 yo watch a ton of shows while he just scrolls on his phone. They do play too, but he NEVER does anything “extra” around the house. And then when I complain about how I don’t get to spend time with our son bc I’m always running around doing chores, he’s just like “you’re choosing to do them, just play with him”, which makes me feel SO guilty and resentful. I’m CHOOSING to do the chores because you DONT! And if I didn’t, the house would be a complete disaster. Or I’ll have to stay up every night until like 1 am. We have our “assigned” chores and I don’t have to remind him, but he doesn’t do anything to help me out. I do his chores when he’s been really busy at work, etc but he doesn’t “see” what needs to be done other than his normal stuff. Ugh, it’s so frustrating.
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@teawithpaloma: I was just coming here to suggest that! I started reading it last night and OMG is it depressing how many cards I have full control over right now. Even the two my husband has are not completely his from the CPE perspective.
Last weekend, while I was emptying the dishwasher that I'd loaded so I could load the next set of dirty dishes that had piled up, DH walked into the kitchen and started pouring himself a bowl of cereal for dinner. I looked at him and point blank said, "It would be nice if instead of deciding you were hungry at dinnertime and helping yourself to cereal, you decided to actually make dinner for EVERYONE since we're all hungry at dinnertime instead of just helping yourself to cereal leaving me to take care of everyone else like I do every other day of the week."
He sheepishly put the cereal back and made a pot of pasta for the kids. Just pasta, no sides. And hey, let's eat the pasta on the couch so now there's a huge mess to clean up too. As you can guess, I'm still fuming.
He was telling his coworkers over lunch about how nice a small lawn is for mowing and I laughed "When was the last time you mowed the lawn?"
I'm really hoping seeing the fair play cards laid out visually and how freaking unfair our 'division of labor' is will help him get off his butt on the weekends instead of playing minecraft while he 'supervises' the kids watching TV and I do chores. Printed and cut them out today!
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@codeitall: Ooh, that would make me crazy! DH is pretty good about helping to get dinner or breakfast on the table (though I'm in charge of making sure we have food in the house and planning what we eat), but he would totally give DS pasta with no sides/fruit/veggies and nothing to drink. Pretty much every day I have to say something like, and also fruit! (or whatever other thing he can eat with his breakfast or dinner).
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Yes, I think my point is that with clear communication and ownership of tasks, things don't have be favors for one another, instead just part of structure that keeps the family moving.
My husband and I are not perfect but this is something we are slowly shifting too.
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@teawithpaloma: That's true, but I meant that it would have been nice for DH to help out with things that were "mine" (i.e., laundry) even though we had a clearly defined system just because he had some free time and it would have been nice. I see what you're saying, but I've had times where I thought - wow, DH has a lot going on and seems stressed. I'll make sure to do the dishes before he gets home because I want to take something off his plate, since he's always responsible for the dishes. My point being that it would be nice if DH also had that thought process.
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I realize this is not helpful, but now that I'm through the agonizing grief of my divorce, I'm so glad to not have to deal with this as much
. The kid mental load is still all mine, but at least I'm not hoping for help/asking for equity at home and being disappointed.
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@mrssrs LOL! Not laughing at your divorce, but... I can totally see how that would be an improvement!!
The mental load/division of labor has made me incredibly angry and resentful. We talk about it and my husband gets defensive and upset, so if we talk about it, I have to handle him with kid gloves, which... I don't really have time to deal with.
He doesn't just sit around and play video games or whatever, though, to be fair. He usually stays up really late catching up on work, so it's kind of hard for me to ask him to do more stuff at night.
I think my main issue is I just feel unappreciated. He has no idea how much I handle. My 2 young boys have delays/special needs and just dealing with scheduling therapy (5x/wk), communicating with providers, fighting with the insurance company and school system, etc. is literally a full time job. Let alone all the household stuff I do.
I don't really know how to fix it. It's definitely affecting our relationship, though.
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When our DD (3 yrs) is sick, we have an agreement that she is the priority and the point of the day is her. Even daily chores *can* get dropped. DD had the flu two week ago, I had to take off 3 days. I spent three days with her in my arms watching movies. (We are nearly a no-screen time household, so this was probably more TV than she's ever watched in her life!) When she napped, I napped. I let dishes pile in the sink, laundry didn't get done, etc.
The caveat with this is that it was focused on her. I was not surfing my phone, or watching my own shows or playing videogames. The same goes (within reason) for snow days and mild sick days.
However, its clear that you are feeling an imbalance in your responsibilities, so this would be a good example to use as a discussion point with your husband.
and even though I'm saying this, we are also severely struggling with our responsibility imbalance so I 110% get where you are coming from. Because in reality I have an extremely flexible job and much more PTO than my husband, so i'm ALWAYS the person to take the day off. It isn't a question, its an expectation and that is extremely unfair and wearing.
So I'm popping in to provide a little insight, but also comiseration!!!
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@MrsADS: Right? I meant it in a lol way
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Last weekend I took the kids to my parents house in FL for three days. DH had an entire weekend to himself, the only living creature he was responsible for was our low maintenance dog. I asked him to do ONE thing while we were gone-washing the dog. We have a ring doorbell so I saw alerts on late Friday night of him coming home late with friends, getting pizza delivered at midnight, etc. I didn't care as it was a nice weekend for him. Cue to me getting home Monday afternoon: he never washed the dog and then asks me what I want for dinner. So he had an entire weekend free and can't even meal plan and grocery shop for the week and puts the task on me-the person who's had both kids for three days and dealt with a wiggly 18 month old on a 90 minute plane ride. Awesome. I get in the house and see the kids clothes I washed before leaving still sitting on the floor unfolded and not put away. He washed the cloth diapers but didn't bother putting them together, he just put them in DS room. He washed our clothes and then didn't even put mine away-he put them back in the dirty clothes hamper to get them out of the way as our cleaning woman was coming that way. His excuse? I don't know where your stuff goes. Really? All my clothes are in my closet-it's not hard to figure out. I was LIVID. He's only excuse? "I needed to decompress" "I went to the store and bought milk and bananas". He decompressed plenty on Friday night with his buddies. I don't think he'll make that mistake again.
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