Well, after 14 years my husband and I are talking of separating.. any moms who have been through any part of this, I would love any advice you may have.. I am crushed, mostly for my kids..
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I’m so sorry. There was a recent thread about separation - I’m sure those bees will have some advice. Just wanted to also say that regardless of what ends up happening you are doing right by your kids. They are resilient and will be fine so do what you need to do for them to see happy healthy adults
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Ugh, I’m sorry. I hope others will have good advice for you. But I have to agree with @gotkimchi: your LOs will be better off growing up without a toxic adult relationship as a model. By the time I was a tween, I knew my parents should get divorced but they didn’t divorce until I was 18. So I never really saw what a loving adult relationship looked like, and I’m sure it had an effect on my early relationships.
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@lamariniere: Exactly this. My parents’ unhealthy relationship set a terrible example for what marriage should be. If divorce will make you and your husband happier then it’s the right decision for your entire family.
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My husband moved out a year ago and we are mid-divorce. It gets better. I promise.
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@oskarsmommy: sorry mama, this is really hard. I’ve been through a divorce with a child and it’s a long and challenging road. But if you’re feeling convinced in your decision, the sooner you get started the sooner you’ll get to some peace in your lives. Please wall me if you want a sounding board, want to vent or have questions.
ETA the kid part is what really destroyed me too and unfortunately the pain has never left. I feel the guilt every single day. I don’t know if it will ever fully disappear and have had no choice but to learn to live with that pain.
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@oskarsmommy: I was - but it was before kids so different. Sending you love and strength.
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Speak kindly about your husband or say nothing at all in front of your kids. Adults can wait to ask questions and offer advice out of earshot of your children.
Empathize with your child and how they may feel about the separation/ lack of in person interaction. Surround your kids’ spaces with pictures of them with their dad and use technology to bridge the time between visits.
Maintain relationships with his family because they are your kids family too. Facilitate visits and phone calls even if that means their dad isn’t involved.
Only discuss your situation with friends/ family who can offer support for where you are in the process. For instance, if someone starts talking to you about dating and that isn’t where you are at the moment just simply back off discussing this part of your life.
As much as you can or care to try parenting together meaning get on/ stay on the same page about routines and activities. This way your child knows both parents are involved in their well-being and upbringing.
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Hugs!!! You're so strong!
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Sorry to hear about that...
From what I heard from two different friends, it sounded like custody can be a life long thing... at least until they are 18 / legal age to make their own decisions. The constant bickering of who gets what for which holiday...etc. even if you have a plan set in writing. Husband might make it hell for wife to exchange weekends, go on trips and vice versa. I hope and wish for you that you and your partner are amicable, civil and reasonable and not mad at each other. If you foresee difficulty in that department, bring it up to your lawyer and see how it works when you are shopping for one. I don't know how that all works, but I think it helps to know how are they charging you for any kind of ongoing negotiation.
One of my friends was extremely frustrated with the way her lawyer communicates, they kept the clock rolling and make decisions for her in terms of investigating, pulling evidence (figuring out how much her ex makes to figure out on child support, when my friend didn't mean to go squeezing out every penny, it was her lawyer's own free mind), sending emails...etc. without running by her and she had to pay for all that. She ended up having to deal with her ex as well as the lawyer in terms of negotiating with them how they are charging her unfairly. Best wishes to you on finding the right one. It is a sad time but keep your mind sharp when finding a lawyer.
Also it may help to think about which one of you will have the legal say to make decisions for the children (eg. which school to go to, what after school activities to take...etc.). If your spouse is someone who might become difficult and argumentative about things you might want to get that down in writing too.
I also read that remember that your lawyer is not your therapist, do not go there and start wasting your time telling them how you are doing and your emotional problems about the divorce.... they charge by the hour extremely expensively.
I have no experience on how this works, but this seems like what my 2 friends has talked about coincidentally.
Kudos to you for the bravery to walk away for a better future.
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Really think about what is important to you when it comes to dividing things up including your children’s time. A divorce doesn’t need to be a drag out fight if you’re intentional, reasonable, and thoughtful about your approach. At the end of the day you still have children to raise and co-parenting to do.
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@oskarsmommy: Sorry to hear you are going through this. Is this separation definitely happening, or do you think it was something said in the heat of the moment?
I had two friends get divorced about a year ago. They were both a long time coming though, and the women were the initiators in both cases, so it seemed (to me, as an outsider) as if they were these amazing, strong women who knew what they wanted (to not be married any more), and just went through all the steps quickly. I would also say both women have bent over backwards to make sure their kids have a decent amount of time with their exes, and that they have maintained a really mature/calm attitude about custody/assets stuff. One moved through the divorce process extremely quickly (I mean, whole thing done in a few short months) and is already dating someone seriously.
But it seems like your situation is different and your husband has just sprung the idea of a separation on you, is that right?
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Just sending you lots of love
I understand this is an incredibly difficult decision to make and so so painful with kids involved, but I agree with others that this is the better alternative! And personally I've seen a lot of amazing stories of blended families, it's all up to the parents to agree that they NEED (not should) work together for the sake of the kids.
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No advice, just sending
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Hugs
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My experience from a kid of divorced parents was good. They still parented us as a team and kept arguments with each other away from us. We had consistent rules/expectations at both houses. They also didn’t talk bad about each other to us kids. I really do think two parents can make it work for the kids when they divorce.
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@oskarsmommy:
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I have no advice - just hugs.
My husband and I were inches from a divorce around New Year’s of 2018. Somehow we have come back to a decent place, but I went through all the emotions and thought processes and scenarios of what being a single mom would look like, so I know those feels are soul crushing standing there looking at the unknown.Trust your gut on what’s best for your kids. Some days I wonder if our fighting style wouldn’t mean we it would be better for our kids if we separated, only you can decide the best home for your kids. And it’s painful regardless.
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