-
This situation totally sucks. You sound (understandably) overwhelmed, and I really think it would be beneficial to have a third-party assessment of the situation, whether that be Grandpa or a sleep coach. IMO, your DH doesn't get to dismiss sleep coaches while also punching doors over sleep issues. Right now YOU (and LO!) need help - I hope you're able to find it soon.
-
So sorry this is the worst! Since she's verbal I would ask her why is bedtime so hard? If she gets emotional try having grandma ask. To dark? She's not tired or just misses you? See what she has to say about it. I would also get a toddler alarm clock and spend a my of time talking about how when it's nighttime we stay in bed etc and I would make a big deal about how there's no more milk and it will be back in the morning and say good night to the milk etc. I would also talk a lot of about how if you're not tired and you can lay quietly and think about anything! The beach or your plans tomorrow or anything!
-
@Jess1483: No, no, I know you didn't mean any harm by it and I didn't take it as a criticism from you (I appreciate the help and support from you). It was just that what you said seemed to confirm what I was so worried about last night. I couldn't decide whether to go in or not for that very reason. I chose to go in. I screwed it up. But I didn't feel I had any other option.
-
I just want to give you a hug. So much stress and not much sleep is no way to live. We did CIO with my LO, but there is no way I would have every made it for 2 hrs - at that point we would have thrown in the towel and tried to find something else.
I agree with getting Granddad on board with talking about bedtime a lot during the day and maybe staying a couple nights to help get her used to going to sleep on her own.
I'd also consider getting your husband to leave for the first few nights that you are doing the transition since it seems he can't handle the stress very well and it's making it harder for you to deal with it.
-
@Cherrybee: totally understand why you went in. I might have done the same. It's just why cio is unlikely to work for you now. And that's fine. There are other strategies. Please don't feel like you screwed it up. Mommy instincts are important. If you felt like you needed to go in, then you were right!
-
Oh my gosh - that sounds so brutal! And I completely understand you not wanting to change up the middle of the night milk when it's the only thing that works and you're so exhausted. But I agree with everyone else that said it has to go. Do you have any vacation time coming up that you could dedicate to changing her routine? Not an ideal way to spend vacation days but better than dealing with that all night and then having to do to work in the morning. You also mentioned that she's not a great eater - is it possible she's hungry and is having trouble settling?
-
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My 14 month old twins are also bad sleepers and stubborn! We've re-started CIO a ton of times, but I have a hard time doing it, too. (Although my kids react pretty well to it and haven't ever cried more than 45 min, so that does make it easier). They never took to CIO until we finally got their reflux under control (we thought we had and went off meds, but solids created an epic flare up). Once we got them on the appropriate med (Prilosec, in their case) everything clicked into place. They took to CIO really easily that time (although they do not sttn regularly. But it cut down from 3-4 wake ups each to 1 each). Are you sure she's not dealing with any GI distress/reflux? That might explain rough sleep and rough eating? She might even want the milk to soothe her throat if she's dealing with reflux. I'm probably reaching here, but I just wanted to throw it out there. I understand giving her milk because it's easier. I still nurse my twins on demand at night because it's quick and easy compared to letting them cry and risking waking he other baby. I know they don't need the extra milk and night but it is hard to choose the more difficult path even if you know it will be better long term!
-
@Cherrybee: Ugh. This sounds so stressful. When we did early CIO with checks, one of the first things we did was cut out the MOTN milk. You definitely don't have to do it during the week, but maybe start on a weekend. I might even suggest trying it out on weekends only and then adding one week night to your weekend every week (if that makes sense!).
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and it does sound extremely stressful. I can only sort of relate as our 11 year old is the worst sleeper and will stay up until midnight or later and that is really rough on us when we have the boys.
There's a lot of great advice here and I really hope you find a solution within the comments here. You do need a break and your daughter needs to STTN or at least learn to be in her room by herself from X time to X time.
BIG HUGS.
-
Why don't you hire an American sleep consultant? They'll take your money just fine lol. And they are a LOT cheaper than yours! They'll work with you via email.
If I were you, I'd just be too overwhelmed to figure it out for myself and I'd be desperate for a professional to tell me what to do. The pressure and anxiety of it being all on me would be too much.
-
@Mrs squirreld: We have used up most of our leave by booking a family holiday in September and we need the rest for moving house! We are moving house in two weeks - I had almost forgotten! More upheaval!! Maybe this is the wrong time to try to address it at all. I like your idea about Katy Perry, I'm going to download some and try that!
(that's what you meant, right?! 
) @ms.line: Your comment actually made me laugh out loud! It's ridiculous when you say it in the cold light of day.
@gotkimchi: I will try that and report back. I suspect the answer will be "want Peppa".
-
@Cherrybee: Big hugs momma.
talking thru everything has really helped us not only during the day but also at night. Is it perfect no, but it makes things a lot better. I handle everything wake up to bed time four days a week alone. I recently became a sahm so bed time has something I have to have down pact or I would bonkers. Two little boys are BUSY. Bed time is something I look forward to every night.
-
@Cherrybee: haha Roar is his favourite ;-). I totally forgot you were moving. Screw changing anything now and start talking about "when you have your new room" etc etc....and then you can start fresh at the new house. I would just keep "surviving" for now....and decide on a plan for the new house.
and if I could I would totally come fly over and give you a full nights sleep!
-
@Cherrybee: FWIW...I would have caved and gone in long before the 2 hour mark...I think I could maybe have lasted an hour.
-
I'm so sorry, that sounds so incredibly hard. I know you've gotten alot of advice, the only thing I'd add is that maybe for an older child, a different sleep training method would be better? I remember when we were in the thick of it when LO was a newborn, I read about 10 different books with different methods. Have you read No-Cry Sleep Solution? It's been awhile since I read that one, but I wonder if maybe you could use some of her techniques (not the ones for infants but the ideas of staying in the room at first and then slowly moving further away from the crib each night). We sleep trained early but now that LO is a toddler, on nights that she has trouble falling asleep, usually DH or I will lie down on the floor next to her crib until she falls asleep. I don't like to hear the screaming either.
The only other thing I'd ask is, do you think she is either overtired or not tired enough at bedtime? One of those is usually the issue for us when our LO (age 21 months) has trouble getting to sleep.
-
Just read your update about moving: I'd start talking about how things are going to be different at the new house today (book, talking, grandpa talking, etc.) and transition when you move.
-
@twodoghouse: I don't think she has any tummy related issues but she really struggles with teething - every single tooth has been a nightmare - and I think her 2 year molars are coming in.
@blackbird: Any recommendations? Yeah, ours are expensive because it's just not the done thing here. We don't really go in for "therapy" or doulas or anything of the sort here.
-
@Cherrybee: I'll wall you the ones I see commonly recommended in my local mom groups! A friend of mine has used one of them with great results.
-
@Cherrybee: 2 hours would have been way over the limit of what I would be able to do in terms of sleep training...but I admit, I read about extinction when my son was small and I knew it wasn't something that *I* would feel comfortable doing if my son was crying for extended periods of time. My view is colored by that.
My son was still on two naps until he was 20 months old, when we consolidated down to no naps at 3 years 8 months, his night time sleep dramatically improved as well, meaning that he would fall asleep in minutes, rather than in hours, and he would sleep for 11 hours....all this to ask, what is your daughter's total sleep time over 24 hours? I wonder if cutting the afternoon nap (if it's currently less than an hour) would help.
-
@looch: She really needs more sleep not less. She's constantly crabby through lack of sleep. Currently, with wake ups and fighting sleep, she gets about 9-10 hours at night and 1-2 hours in the day (usually more like 1). By nap time, she's falling over, bumping into things, crying, generally being a drama queen! If she has a 2 hour nap (rare), she wakes up in a much better mood. But more often than not, she wakes after 1 hour, crying, and is in a bad mood until bedtime (when she proceeds to liven up and go crazy!). We've tried putting her back down if she wakes after an hour but once she's awake she refuses to lie down.
-
@Cherrybee: Poor thing. It's just heartbreaking to see them struggle like that. I can know logically that sleep is better for them and putting themselves to sleep is really a good skill to have, but it's still hard to watch the struggle to make it work. I hope something works soon so you can all get some rest!
-
@catlady: She's undeniably overtired at bedtime. But what can I do?
-
@Cherrybee: I agree she needs more sleep, BUT, it seems that the afternoon nap of the 1 hour is not working... in that it's not resetting her enough.
Have you tried putting her down earlier, like 6 pm? I know several moms have had a lot of success with an early bed time (I am not one of them).
-
@Cherrybee: Could you try an earlier bedtime? I know that is easier said than done though. Btw, have you read Ferber's book? Even if you don't do his method, I found his to be the best and easiest to read in terms of information about baby/child sleep needs and patterns. (Sorry I keep recommending books! I got a bit obsessed with baby sleep books for a time.)
-
@looch: That was my thought too.
Since she's not getting enough sleep, maybe an earlier bedtime might help? She's overtired by the time she does bedtime and that makes it harder to put them down. I read somewhere that at this age, you should put them down to bed 12 hours after they woke up, so if she's waking at 6:15, bedtime should be 6:15. Obviously won't be that easy with work/daycare/commute/dinner/bath/etc. and doesn't work with all kids. But might be worth a try.
-
@looch: We are often not home until 6pm, sometimes later, and if you try to get her to bed without letting her settle into home, say hello to her toys etc, you know about it! But yes, I do think that an earlier bedtime would help, if we could somehow engineer it and get home earlier. I already leave work at 4pm though (to drive 25 miles on busy, blocked roads, pick her up and then get home) - any earlier and I'd be part time!
-
@catlady: I've never read Ferber. I read Weissbluth and I'm pretty sure he would say "quit work, in fact quit going outside altogether, never open the black out blinds, preserve the nap at all costs and then she will STTN"!
-
@Cherrybee: alright, let's think this through and see if we can't come up with a solution, I like a good challenge!
We don't have the same routine every single night and I will tell you that I have streamlined it quite a bit. On my late days, we eat dinner at my parent's house and then when we come home, it's right into the bath, no discussion. Pajamas go on, he can have his milk, we can look at one book on the couch, then we brush teeth and into bed. Max time is 30 minutes.
Is there any way to have her get dinner earlier, or stagger your arrival time with your husband?
-
@Cherrybee: Lol, I think he would say that! I didn't like Weissbluth's book. Definitely not the most practical.
-
@Cherrybee: Hey lady. I'm sorry it was so rough. In thinking about your commute, would it be possible to take public transit from your in-laws home to work and back? I don't know if you do any driving for your job, so that may not be feasible, but if the train was available and it would make your commute time shorter, that would give you more time at home.
I hope that once you are moved, this transition gets easier for you.
-
Ok, so I don't have any real advice but just wanted to lend my support. My boys are not the best sleepers but I just do what I need to do for us all to get some sleep. For us, that's co sleeping. Which I understand is not for everyone. I would just do whatever gets you through. If milk works, then I would continue it. I know, I know - she doesn't need it at this age. If it gets me more sleep, I'm doing it.
-
@Cherrybee: I'm sorry too if my comment made you feel bad. I was thinking more that if you repeatedly let her cry and then rescued her it would teach her you would always do that.
Do you have any flexibility to change her nap time? Maybe if there was less awake time between the end of nap and bed time she'd get less overtired.
-
@looch: Okay.... so.... currently, I pick her up Mon/Thur/Fri and DH does Tues/Weds so I can work until 5pm. DH can't finish work until 5.15 and then has a 45 minute drive to my inlaws' house. So realistically, if I want her home in time for a 6pm bedtime, I will need to do all pick ups as well.
Right.
So, I can work flexible hours and flexible locations within reason and meetings permitting. I do have to work 35 hours at week.
I can't really start earlier because I have to drop her off every day (DH starts work at 8am) and I have a long commute. But I guess I could work in the evenings....
How am I doing? Am i forming a plan? At the moment, it looks like me agreeing to do even more on my own and then pay for the privilege by working in the evening..... Input appreciated!
-
@avivoca: It's a good suggestion but it would take longer. I would need to get to the train station (would take 10 minutes to walk from inlaws, so not bad, but would be a 30 minute drive and £8 per day to park on nursery days), then catch a train to Birmingham, then change and get another train to the part of Birmingham I work in, then walk to the office.
-
@Cherrybee: Yes, you're forming a plan by eliminating scenarios!
In the morning, do you drop off at nursery and inlaws at the same hour of the day? Could you drop off every day at inlaws and have them bring your daughter to nursery?
Alright, if 6 isn't possible, is 7 her current bedtime? Do you feel like you could lay down with her at night, to get her settled into sleep, and maybe deal with that first, then worry about the nightwaking later?
-
@Cherrybee: Can you bring her to your in-laws earlier so that you could go to work earlier and come home earlier? I think in an earlier comment you mentioned that she's up for the day around 6:15/6:30, but you don't leave the house until 7:30. With my son, he gets up and we're out of the house in 20 minutes. Maybe she can have a quick snack before you leave and then eat actual breakfast at the in-laws? And leaving earlier may help with traffic too.
-
That sounds like a great idea to me, @Adira:! Leaving earlier might help shorten the commute due to less traffic too. Hypothetically, at least.
-
People have mentioned laying with her to help her sleep faster. I know for my guy if he falls asleep alone, it takes him 20 minutes. When we lay with him, it takes 2 hours (no joke). So does she sleep faster if you lay with her, or no?
-
Rebecca Michi is a British sleep consultant living in Seattle, may be a good resource. She wrote a book too.
-
So sorry you are having sleep issues with your little one. I don't have any advice, but I went through it with my oldest (naptime problems) and it was so frustrating and tiring. Just wanted to say that you are a great momma and things will not always be this way.
-
How does moving effect your (or DH's) commuting situation? I'm hoping you say it has a great positive impact
BIG HUGS.
(that's what you meant, right?! 
) 
and if I could I would totally come fly over and give you a full nights sleep!
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite1
182 comments