I'm listening to my daughter freak out during a tantrum and my husband isn't handling it the way I would. I'm letting it play out though because, co-parenting. What do you do when you're listening to your spouse parent your kids and maybe not the way you would?
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My DH usually defers to me on nearly everything because I am the primary caregiver due to his schedule. He follows my lead with most things. Sometimes after he corrects our boys in a way I don't find effective we talk about what I find works better and come up with a solution.
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I just bite my tongue for the moment and will talk to him when she is out of the room. He is more patient than I am though so I am usually the one losing my cool...working hard to change it as her toddler tantrums are sky high these days.
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I'm the reader of all parenting things in household so usually DH relays on me to "coach" him through situations like this because I know the text book way to handle it but this is after discussing with him at an earlier time what text book way we would like to handle our kids at any given situation. *I'm a nerd* Even though we talk about it he forgets the steps and accepts my coaching.
edit : DH has gone off the reservation a handful times, when that happens I just support however he is doing it and we talk about it after LOs go to sleep.
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Unless he's getting really snippy with her I let it play out. Sometimes his way works better and I learn a new thing. Sometimes it doesn't and after it is over I suggest what works for me.
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This has been an issue for us lately with her extreme mommy preference. I don't intervene unless I hear that he is about to snap. I don't want her to see that if she tantrums long enough I will step in or that she only needs to listen to mommy. But really with her tantrums we are both trying to figure it out.
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In theory, I just let him do his thing. We are basically in agreement about how we should do things and we often talk through the details of how to handle various situations (our evening conversation
)In practice, I'm not always so great at this. I continue to work on it, though!
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This question has been on my mind all week. We're in the midst of some epic tantrums/less-than-desirable behavior this week and I am finding it so, so hard to bite my tongue when my husband is dealing with it. He's often much better about handling the tougher situations but for some reason, his tactic is not working with LO and the meltdowns are getting more intense.
From a distance (like the shower, where I hid out tonight during LO's bedtime!), I judge everything I hear my husband say and then my son's reaction and want to swoop in and do it my way. I have to be super careful not to undermine my husband as this not only upsets him (even if he IS doing it wrong... as I see it!) but also inadvertently teaches LO that Daddy's way is not the "right way." So, I just have to suck it up in the moment, even if I feel like I am going to burst.
Co-parenting is so hard!
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I mean I try to let him handle things unless he yells or something, which is rare. His ways of parenting her are different- though we agree on the big picture ways of handling things- but that doesn't make them less valid than mine. It's definitely hard to watch when I know my way can be more effecient but the best way you learn how to deal with a kid is to be in charge of dealing with them, so I give him that opportunity as much as possible.
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Eh, sometimes. If I know LO is tired or that there's something else driving the tantrum, I usually jump in.
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I only intervene when I think he is getting overwhelmed and needs me to tag in. He does the same for me. We are on the same page about how we handle them, so it's obvious when one of us is getting to our breaking point and needs help.
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I try really hard not to because we try to stay on the same page as much as possible and I want to show our children we are a united front but at times we differ on our styles and it makes it very hard. I also know that my husband feels disrespected and undermined when I do it but unfortunately I catch myself interjecting when I should just be keeping my mouth shut. It's a work in progress.
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I'm trying to get better at not intervening. I sah with our kids, so I have a way of doing things and dealing with every possible tantrum, issue, etc. I think because of this, DH doesn't have the same confidence in dealing with issues and just defaults to "they want you" or "they want to nurse." They have strong mommy preference right now that we are trying to work through because I'm burnt out and exhausted right now. I'm trying to let DH work through stuff on his own and not give him a bunch of suggestions of what I would do (because they don't always work the same for him!) and I think we are making progress. I've never been type A about anything before, but I'm a total control freak about the kids. I'm trying to relax a bit!
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This is an issue for us because if one parent intervenes, the other feels undermined (especially in front of LO). We try to let it roll then discuss it afterward.
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I usually offer help. It can be really draining when DS is screaming and crying, and sometimes just my offering to hold his hand helps him calm down. It can be really tough to keep your patience and it's appreciated when the other parent tags you out for a minute. Not to take over or say you're doing it wrong, but purely because they have more patience for the situation.
The other night DS was throwing a tantrum after his bath. DH got him dressed, but he refused to get off the floor. DH was sitting on DS's bed trying to coax him over to read a story. I went in and DS came right over and got in my lap and then I convinced him that we'd both go over to DH and listen to stories. I don't think it undermined him at all, and I made it clear that DH was still doing bedtime.
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Right now, DD is young so I will say something to him in a "normal" tone so DD doesn't know that we're not on the same page. When she gets older I'll def wait till we're alone to talk about it.
I mainly have been saying things b/c I am the one doing most of the research and reading/listening to Janet Lansbury so I use those moments to "teach" DH what we should be doing.
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I try not to intervene, otherwise I start a fight. Better to discuss later, not in front of your child.
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Only if DH is totally losing his patience. Otherwise, I let him figure it out. We don't have to do everything the same but as long as our guiding principles are similar, I'm good.
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Am I the only one who smirks smugly and watches the circus??! DH is frequently critical of the way I try to coax and cajole E, insisting that Im bigger than her and so I should just pick her up and put her where I want her/ stop her doing something. Of course, this always results in a kicking, screaming tantrum - behaviour that we never get any other time. We've talked about it so many times and we've had to agree to disagree. Of course, if I see him losing his temper or getting stressed (which he does), I step in but I do it in an "I'm saving you" kind of way, which he's grateful for. He does the same for me.
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