We all know that raising kids is tough and it unfortunately can cause a natural rift between spouses. Even beyond that the illness of a child can really cause spouses to split.
Do you worry about this with your SO? I know when I went through cancer treatment it caused a big rift in my parents (even though I was a young adult when it happened).
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6581 posts
Yeah, I had a huge flip-out/breakdown about that the other night 
DH and I have a wonderful, strong and happy relationship, but I do worry that having LO will affect us negatively. I do have a lot of couple friends w/kids who have strong relationships, and I will look to them for advice & suggestions, but yeah, I worry 
Especially since my mom told me *I* was a huge factor in their divorce (complete bs, but who wants to hear that?)
pomegranate / 3314 posts
No, because LO is so young right now that we haven't experienced anything too difficult (beyond the very challenging newborn days, at least!). That said, you just never know what you're going to face as a family and there are bound to be struggles with the kids, so I don't know.
The only thing I will say is that both my husband and I come from families of divorce and we both know that as hard as marriage can be, the fall-out from a marriage ending is often much, much worse.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6581 posts
@meredithNYC: Yeah, that's a great point - as someone whose parents, grandparents, and all aunts & uncles have gotten divorced, I have seen enough fallout to warrant much more effort in my marriage!
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
I guess that would be my second question - How far would you go to save your marriage/relationship?
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
I worry about this!
One of my friends from college is going through a rough patch right now in her marriage. Their 2 year old has leukemia and she says things are just so tense and they resort to fighting dirty now.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6581 posts
@Thehistoryofus: As far as I needed to. Date nights, trips together or alone, counseling, separate bedrooms, whatever. I would try everything under the sun before getting a divorce. I heard some great advice once that was something along the lines of - there will always be highs and lows in marriage, but if you don't ride out the lows, how will you ever get to the highs? It's really stuck in my head, and it's how I try to view my marriage.
pomegranate / 3314 posts
@Bookworm: When I was younger I was always in denial about how my parents' divorce affected me (I was only 2 when it happened), but the older I get the more clear it is that it really was tough on me and my brothers. In my case, my dad is the one who wanted a divorce and he has even told us that if he knew how badly it would tear apart our family and affect us kids, he never would have done it. Which sounds crazy like, how could you NOT know? But at that time divorce was certainly a lot more rare.
@Thehistoryofus: Pretty far, I think. But again, that's so easy to say when I've only been married for 3 years and we haven't faced any huge struggles.
pomelo / 5791 posts
I worry about this. Our LO isn't here yet, so I'm still worried how it will affect our relationship.
pomegranate / 3398 posts
Yes. This is my second marriage and my first went south once my children were born. I was terrified we'd get married and then pregnant and then he'd get tired of it all and leave me like the other.
We did a lot of talking about me fears before we started TTC.
He's proven more times than he should have to that he's not the same kind of man as my ex. He's amazing and I'm really at peace with our ability to raise this child along with my two other ones.
honeydew / 7916 posts
I worry about this because my own parents got divorced not long after I was born. On one hand I know this is a totally irrational worry, because I know they already planned on getting divorced before I was conceived and I was sort of a last shot at saving the marriage, which obviously didn't work. But I also can't help thinking my being autistic didn't exactly make things easy for them, so what happens for DH and me when our LO has special needs?
nectarine / 2085 posts
I do not worry about this, because we both believe that the fundamental point of our marriage is to provide our children with parents who love them and each other. (Are we always perfect examples of this? No, but we try.)
pomelo / 5093 posts
No, but it's a stressor for sure. For us it's 100% about having so little personal time and not enough sleep. We each have a high need for alone time, and it's hard for us to be available to each other when we're not getting that need met. It's just a shitty thing we have to cope with as best we can.
ETA - we're still really strong as a couple, though. I don't enjoy it, but we both recognize that this is just a hard phase, and that it won't last forever.
grapefruit / 4120 posts
It's hard when the kids are little so I worry a little. We try to remember we'll have these kids around for 18 years or so, and we'll just have each other again after that! Anyway I think that the best thing we can do for our kids is to love our spouses and put them first! Again, hard to do in the infant/toddler days!
bananas / 9973 posts
@Bookworm: Wow! I can't believe your mom told you that!
@Thehistoryofus: I do sort of in the sense that we'll lose our groove as a couple when faced with the stressors of parenthood. My MIL even told me that kids can cause a divorce, look at #2 for my SIL. But DH and I have discussed it in length and it's something we know that we will BOTH need to conscientiously work at together. In the case of SIL & BIL, BIL decided to "check out" of the marriage when #2 came along and he didn't want to "deal with it" and started cheating. SIL wanted counseling, to work on the marriage, etc. but it takes TWO people to want to work it out. It's so hard to say and kind of scary, but I feel like you have to have faith in the person you married and both have the same level of commitment to your relationship, and not just always be parents.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
Yes, because I don't know what the future holds! The uncertainty is always there. And it's SO HARD to know until you're in it. Things like your kids getting into drugs is someone something thinks won't happen to them, but it tears people apart. Special needs children, children who get very sick...it's all so extremely stressful and situations like this don't always bring two people closer together.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6581 posts
@BabyBoecksMom: @shopaholic: Haha yeah, not my fondest memory of my mom. It just reminds me that the *event* you are going through is not really what drives people apart, it is the way you react to that event, if that makes sense. Sure, my sisters and I caused stress, but the way my parents reacted to it and to each other was why they ended.
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