I am so frustrated. I have a circle of mothers that I am social with. We plan lots of playdates but we also do things just as women. We have plans this weekend to go to Lucky Chengs together and one of the girls is hemming and hawing again. She seems to have some sort of separation anxiety with her child. Her daughter is 3 and the mother just has a difficult time doing anything without her. It's unhealthy in the respect that her daughter now screams when parted from her mom. None of our children react the same way and it has only been happening since she has been cognizant of her mothers freak outs at leaving. She feeds into it and makes it so much worse. How is her daughter going to be able to go to school like a healthy normal child if she is made to feel terror and loss at her mommy leaving her with her daddy for a night. It actually makes me angry because she is really setting her daughter up for failure in that respect. She is the only one of us without a nanny although she could afford 5 of the best. She won't even let her husband hold his own child for more than a minute. She comes over fussing and upsetting her child. Has anyone else dealt with this? I really don't want to invite her anymore at all as I find her so high maintenance.
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Haha +1 for the term Velcro Mommy!
Honestly, some people just can't let go. In the end, it's their choice if they want to helicopter over their child until they enter college. That's a parenting style I am working hard to avoid, as I agree it harms everyone involved!
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Nope! It sounds horrible though... I couldn't imagine having my child throw a fit EVERYTIME I tried to leave her with someone else.
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Ugh, I have an aunt that is like this. My cousin is 10 now and whereever she goes her mom goes. Even at family gatherings my cousin will be playing and her mom is hovering by...
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I take DS (8 months) to daycare, but otherwise I don't leave him much. I haven't willingly left him with anyone but DH. There were two times he had to leave DS with one of his parents for a bit, but otherwise we are there. I have no intentions of being away from DH overnight any time soon. I'd consider leaving him with my stepmom or SIL for a few hours, and probably will in the next month or two so DH and I can have a night out. I guess I'm a little protective, but I just don't like to be away from DS. I'm not going to make myself leave DS when I don't want to because I "should". As long as it's not a problem for me, DS or DH then I'm going to continue to be a velcro mom. I won't be hovering when DS is older and able to play on his own or with other kids.
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@Mrstilly I respectfully want to say that when you teach only dependence or over protectiveness you run the risk of having a child that cannot react in a normal healthy way when separated from his parents. Do you think you will be able to suddenly detach or let him do his own thing when he gets older and wants to play with friends on his own without you? I have just found that this mom in particular used to say that she is just over protective but now she insists on coming along to every play date even if we don't really want adult company and hovers around him when he tries to have peer interaction. I think there are real advantages to teaching them a sense of independence and trust, even at a young age.
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@ecogirl: I really do understand your point. And that independence is really important to raising a healthy and well adjusted kids. 8 months is a lot different than 2 years or 8 years. And I do leave him with DH to run errands and such. And while I wished I could stay home with DS at least most of the time, I enjoy my work and am okay leaving him at daycare. But give me an hour of free time and I'll choose to be with DS and DH.
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@mrstilly Ah yes that is different. When you work I think you really are hungry for that time with your child. This woman doesn't work at all but won't let anyone touch her child even her husband! I was assuming you didn't work. I agree that at 8 months they don't need independence yet haha
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This is an interesting article on the impact of what the author calls "parental overinvestment":
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@ecogirl: some family members, especially my in laws think i am very much a velcro mom. Right now it is just where I am at. If I'm not with DS I want to be. I know DS and I will both outgrow it.
@mrbee: interesting article. -
@mrbee: Just wanted to say this article was really interesting. Thanks for sharing.
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I have a friend whose mother was like this. Said friend is now 30 years old and married. Her mother still cooks her daughter's dinners and does her laundry. No, I'm not kidding.
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@hergreenapples: not going to lie, I wish my mom would still do my laundry...... hahaha
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If she is 3years old shouldnt she already be going to school? I thought pre-school starts at age 3?
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@MrsBrewer: hahaha. I hear you! But with these two that is just the tip of the iceberg
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My SIL is like this with her 4 yo daughter. I would never judge her because I could very well end up like this as a parent, but it's sad for my DH who wants to get to know his niece, but she screams every time anyone besides Mom comes near her. We are waiting for her to get older and hoping that she can grow out of it even though Mom continues to encourage this behavior..
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I'm totally a velcro mommy. My lo is only 4 1/2 months old and I'm just not ready to leave her. I'm taking baby steps, I gave my hubby a date night for Chanukah. But I hate leaving my little girl and for now I don't see anything wrong with that. When she gets older, I know I'll have to get over it and let her go.
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@Mrsbells: I know where I live kids don't have to start school until they are 5, kindergarten.
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Great article, Mr. Bee. Pretty interesting to see how the phrase "too much of good thing" even applies to parenting.
@Ecogirl, I like the term "velcro mommy" much better than "helicopter parent"
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"Velcro mommy" is awesome...I can totally picture it in my head. But yeah, it would be very annoying to me, too. I don't know what to suggest...But just wanted to tell you that I'm on your side!
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Some people want to follow the attachment parenting lifestyle. Not point in wasting energy being mad at her. You already know she is going to flake out when it's adult night so just stop inviting her.
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I have a good friend who was like this. Like you said, even Daddy could not hold her or watch her and have Mommy go out and leave to get something. Honestly I felt horrible for the father because you can tell it really bothered him. Long story short, they could never really do anything because the daughter did not allow anyone but mommy watch her, and then when school age hit.....lets just say this little girls first year in school was not a good one. Poor thing. She is in her second year of school now, and sounds to be doing much better. Think lesson was learned by all on that one.
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I would just leave her out. I don't like making plans with people who are too high maintenance....don't have time to deal with that anymore. Hopefully she'll come around some day.
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I definitely see it as being a much bigger issue when the other parent isn't able to bond with or have a relationship with his child, or when the child is older (preschool/school age).
My step-siblings are pretty dependent on their mom for everything. They don't have their own interests and can't do much without her. (they are HS/college age). I don't want my kids to be raised like that. I want them to know that I'll always love and support them, but that they can do things on their own too, and somethings things are tough and they have to figure it out.
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One of my really close friends left her daughter with her grandmother (my friend's mom) for the first time when she was 6 weeks old. And she still maintains it was one of the best parenting decisions she ever made. Was it really hard for her to be away from the baby for the first time? Yes, but guess what, they both got through it just fine. Obviously 6 weeks is really early but the longer you wait to leave your child with someone else the harder it gets. You will just keep convincing yourself "oh we'll both grow out of this" but you won't unless you really try. My mom waited until my brother was three to leave him overnight with someone for the first time. He was with my aunt and uncle and cousins all of whom he knew really well and he still FREAKED out. He wandered their house for two days just repeating "where mommy go? where mommy go?". Mom definitely didn't make that same mistake with me : ) My goal will be to have a night away with my husband at some point before my maternity leave ends (12 weeks) and have my parents or my in laws come to watch the baby.
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I could never have left DS overnight in the first 12 weeks. I didn't leave him at all period in those weeks. I really don't think waiting is bad. But I work, so I'm away from him during the day. I wouldn't leave DS for 2 days without working up to it either.
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I left my baby alone with my husband for a few hours within the first week and we left her with grandma and great-grandma a month later for a few hours too. Since then (11 months) we've only spent time away from her 5 times (besides the times) when she goes to the sitter once a week for a few hours. We prefer either myself or my husband to be with her. Is that a helicopter? I don't believe so. We try to spend every exhausting exhilarating waking moment possible with our daughter because she is a joy and moments are fleeting. She seems very independent at parties, with others and when we do leave her. But yes, I consider myself velcro but not hovering.
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It is really hard at first. But for us, at least, it got a lot easier past 3 months or so. If it weren't for BF, I would probably leave him a lot more! In fact, we went to a friend's restaurant last night for dinner, and she snatched the baby up and we didn't see him the entire time we were there except for brief passes through the dining room so that they could show us that he was still alive. I hear he was playing a lot of peek-a-boo with the kitchen staff
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It will be easier for me this time I believe. When I had Liam we had just hired our nanny and now I've lived with her for almost three years so I feel so much more comfortable. Liam was with his Daddy every morning while I went to the gym and we really spent equal time alone with him for the first two months. We think of our babies as our babies so I think that cuts the velcro problem down.
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I think there was a time I struggled with becoming a "velcro mommy." It was particularly hard the first three months of her life. I could not bear the thought of leaving her. I had such separation anxiety. It really wasn't when I went back to work after my 3 month maternity leave that I realize it is healthy for mother and child to spend some time away from each other and with other people too. I think that time I spend away from her while I'm working makes me a better mom because when I'm with her, I truly spend more quality time with her as opposed to me just wanting to be around her for the sake of it. I know I don't want to be that mom that was mentioned above, but I think everyone works at their own pace.
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I get annoyed with them
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This bothers me and Moms who constantly talk about ow much better their children are than others. I dont think its healthy to neglect your marriage and be negative about other peoples childen.
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Oh boy what a saga! The velcro mommy finally came to the restaurant about 15 minutes before we were leaving. She was in tears because she left her daughter with her husband. She told us that she spent two hours melting down and sobbing in her car and finally was able to pull herself together to drive to us. When we suggested she should see a doctor she got supremely angry at us and left. My goodness.
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@ecogirl: Oh sweet lord of all Drama Queens! My eyes have rolled so far back in my head at reading that, it may be permanent... Woman needs to get a grip.
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@Megwag haha:) I just laughed so loud I startled my son!
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@mrstilly: I'm with you and my son is also the same age. I'll leave him with my husband while I run errands, but that's just about it. It's just the place I'm in and if it makes me seem like a velcro mom I'm okay with that.
I have to say, though, that unlike your friend @ecogirl, my DH & LO do have a relationship, I love when DH helps out with the baby and I love when they have special time together.
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