DH rarely does. He has, maybe 3 times, kept LO until he went to bed at 1 or 2, but even that's not typical. The one time I tried to get him to feed LO at night, he propped the bottle and let LO choke and gag while he slept.
So at 10 weeks, I'm sleep deprived as hell and he has zero sympathy. I know LO screaming has to wake him up, but he pretends he's still sleeping, even when I pull a bitch move and turn the overhead light on (I've only done it twice, I'm not that heinous).
Does your SO help?
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
That is not acceptable. I don't understand the lack of interest in taking care of not only your child, but your wife. I'm sorry.
DH does night wakings (we are down to one a night) on a Friday and/or Saturday so I can sleep in. Or if I'm sick or just exhausted, he'll take over for me one night. When I go back to work, we'll trade off nights.
One night makes a huge difference. Husbands really need to help
pomegranate / 3872 posts
My husband gets up and changes lo and brings her to me to nurse. In the beginning it felt so much better to have the support and she used to nurse for like 45 min at least so if he didnt take the diaper change i'd have been up all night. She's only up once a night now but it's so helpful. He's a great guy and wants to help but it also helps that he has a pretty flexible work schedule and can work in an afternoon nap if he needs one. Does your husband have a crazy work schedule? That's the only excuse I would think might be acceptable. Other than the sleep deprivation, which is terrible, it's such a lonely feeling to be up all night with no help. I would turn on the light every time if dh would never get up!
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
In the beginning yes. He did diaper changes and re-swaddling. Now no. We were down to no wakes, well at 6, but lately she is up multiple times and it sucks. But he can't BF so there isn't anything to do. We don't change diapers overnight unless poop.
I am sorry you aren't getting more support. That has to be so hard on you, not fair to you or LO. I hope he gets his act together soon.
apricot / 458 posts
I'm so sorry, mama. DH is a night owl so he is always on call if our little guy has a fussy night but like the others have mentioned, we very rarely do diaper changes anymore bc he doesn't poop while he sleeps and only wakes up 1-2x.
Instead, DH has been a bigger partner with our LO's bedtime routine and mornings so I can rest.
I hope your DH will get a clue and make it work!
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
Ouch, that's rough. I'm sorry he's not more helpful. Have you told him your feelings on the matter? Does he just think the baby is your job?
My husband does 50% of baby duty. When she was waking multiple times a night, he would ask what I needed. We ended up finding a good mix by having him get the baby when she's crying and he brings her to me to breastfeed. When we were bottle feeding, he would do half of the bottles.
hostess / watermelon / 14932 posts
Nope. Maybe once in almost 9 months.
In his defense, he worked and I stayed home, his alarm went off at 330 for work until the past month or so, and he can't do much anyway cause she won't take a bottle. But you better believe if she would take a bottle, he would have been made to take a weekend here or there!
nectarine / 2127 posts
My goal was to EBF but because LO was late pre-term, we had to fortify breastmilk so he'd gain weight. So I EP'd, attempted to breastfeed when he was 6.5 weeks but ultimately, it didn't work out and pumping with a bit of comfort nursing became the norm. DH pushed me to supplement so I could drop the nighttime pumps and I reluctantly agreed. It was the right choice, but now he helps even less (not that he ever helped at night, but he'd give a bottle, sometimes 2, during the day/evening). I feel like I'm going to have to give up pumping and comfort nursing completely because I just don't have any help and I'm so so so exhausted and that breaks my heart.
grapefruit / 4291 posts
@septemberlove: I'm sorry that you're having a rough time and for what it's worth, I think it sucks that the lack of support is negatively impacting on your feeding choices. Parenting is a two man job and your LO deserves to have his Daddy fully involved!
Does your DH understand how important his support is both you and your LO? I know that more than once I had to explain to my DH that he needs to look after me so that I can look after LO.
Is there anyway you can sit him down and have a heart to heart about what you need from him? If that's not an option can you maybe write him a letter?
Failing that I would totally be turning all the lights on and making a racket during night feedings 
nectarine / 2127 posts
@Kemma: he thinks he's super dad. He kept LO for 4.5 hours yesterday after I started crying and telling him how exhausted I was after being up all night every night. He sat on the couch, watched tv, and gave LO a bottle and bounced me out of bed after 4.5 hours, telling me that that was plenty of sleep (he gets 7-8 hours uninterrupted practically every night and if he gets less its because he's up watching tv until 2-3am). He also filled up my water bottle while I was feeding LO. Nap + filling up water bottle = super dad.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
Yes, he always helps unless he works an early shift.
pomegranate / 3577 posts
@septemberlove: Oh my dear. 
I know this isn't a solution, but can you take a small "vacation" to a parent/sister/friend's house where you can get some support for a couple days? I'm starting to believe that your DH will not listen to you, heart to heart or no. I would look in to some counseling.
As @JerricaBenton: said, being up all night with the baby is lonely work. My DH has been away for 2 weeks and I've nearly cracked a couple of times doing this all on my one with a 2 week old baby. He does help when he is here, but I usually try to go it alone to get him some sleep, because he's got to get us moved out of here by the end of the month.
honeydew / 7687 posts
That's unacceptable so sorry he's still being so unhelpful and detached.
DH took weekend night wakings so I could put in earplugs and just wake to nurse him, he handled diapers swaddling and bringing him into me. If we were having a rough day during the week he'd add in a week day.it made a huge difference for my mental health to know I could look to the weekend. Around 5.5 months LO was down to one night waking and no diaper change or swaddle so now I just do them since its like ten minutes max but DH takes him in the morning so I. Can sleep in.
I can't believe he woke you up after only 4.5 hours
watermelon / 14467 posts
@septemberlove: That type of behavior is unacceptable. I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you know if his father did this when he was young? It might be learned behavior.
pomegranate / 3863 posts
Ugh I am so sorry!! There is no excuse for that. No suggestions other than if you had any friends who have kids come over and casually talk about how awesome their DH is and how they help out SO much! Lol. That might be a bit obvious though....
I feel like I am the opposite of your situation. DH does 80% of night wakings, even when I was on maternity leave. He saw it as an opportunity to spend more time with and bond with our son. He felt like because I could comfort him during the day he wanted to be the one to comfort him at night. Plus I have high sleep needs and he barely needs any.
kiwi / 673 posts
So sorry your DH isn't being helpful. He needs to let you catch up on sleep! Mine is a heavy sleeper, so he wouldn't always get up when the baby cried and thus would get a full night of sleep. He wanted to, but he sleeps so heavily he wouldn't even notice. I wanted him to know what I was going through, so one night I shook him awake every time the baby woke and made him stay up to record the duration of feedings and put LO back in his crib. He got how rough it was. I still do most of the night wakings because we breastfeed, but with the understanding that I'll wake DH if I need the help or feel overwhelmed. He usually takes LO in the morning on days off and lets me sleep in, though. DH also handles bedtime routine most nights. If we bottle fed I think we would either trade off nights or set shifts (eg I cover feedings midnight-4, he covers 4-8 or something ) to both get some sleep.
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
It makes me sad to hear about your husbands behavior. You and babe Deserve to be treated with much more care, support, and love. I would consider pursuing counseling, as its clear that he hasn't been hearing how hard things are for you. You two should have a partnership.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
That is unacceptable.
Based on this post and your last posts, your husband just seems...off and borderline cruel towards you and the baby. I'm so sorry
Have you asked your DH what he wants? It Sounds like he has NO idea what you do or just doesn't care
pineapple / 12793 posts
I'm so sorry your DH isn't helping. I agree with pp that you should be turning on the lights and showing him just how difficult things are for you. 4.5 hours is NOT ACCEPTABLE. you need a break and your babe needs a dad. It sounds like all you have is a grumpy couch potato. DH needs some tough love.
pomegranate / 3890 posts
@septemberlove: I'm sorry your husband is being so unhelpful. I have to agree with others that this isn't normal behavior and that he really really needs to step it up. I agree with @Espion advice to take a mini vacation to your parents/siblings house to get some help and maybe that it can show your husband that you NEED help since telling him isn't working Sometimes you have to pull out dramatic measures to get the point across. I'm so sorry, I've read other posts from you and your hubby makes me so mad that he cant help with his child too!!!
to answer your question, yes my hubby helps all the time with night waking's. I'm a sahm though so I do more night wake ups bc he works 16 hour days but he still helps A lot!
watermelon / 14206 posts
I have no advice...just sending you virtual hugs. I hope he starts being more helpful to you, soon...especially once you start going back to work.
GOLD / grapefruit / 4007 posts
Hugs honey. I can somewhat relate. DH changes dipes for night feedings which is a great help but I feel unsupported in other areas. That coupled with exhaustion is a horrible feeling. I really hope it gets better
eggplant / 11824 posts
Yes, my husband always helped with night wakings, early waking, etc. LO is his baby and he said from day 1 that he felt he's just as "on the hook" for parenting duties as I am, including night wakings.
I worry for you when you return to work. I know your husband had said, or you believe, that he will step up at that time. I hope that is the case, but honestly, I doubt it. Someone who is that disinterested in caring for their own child or helping their wife who has repeatedly told them she needs help very rarely does a 180 overnight. More likely, this division of labor is what he's comfortable with and will want to continue with. I would personally look into couples counseling, good luck!
cantaloupe / 6164 posts
He helped a couple times over the first week home when he was out on paternity leave. He would change her before I fed her. He had a short leave, and was back to work by the time she was 10 days old. He hasn't done a night waking since the first week. I know he WOULD if I asked him, but I don't. He works, and I don't, so I don't mind doing it. Plus, we haven't done a night feeding since she was 5 or 6 weeks old. She STTN from pretty early on, but she's had occasional night wake ups since then. If we both worked FT though, he would for sure share in the nighttime duties.
pomegranate / 3759 posts
Yikes. I am very sorry. At the beginning DH wasnt REAL great at waking up because he figured he couldnt do anything anyways. I finally scolded him and told him the only thing he cant do is boob feed. Everything else is fair game, so get your ass up and change, burp or even bring LO to me. I didnt expect him to do it all but at least help with some of it. He became much more understanding and helped a lot more. I hope your hubby comes around and gives you a break.
nectarine / 2127 posts
He just came in and wanted me to get up for church. I told him I was exhausted and was going to sleep more. He told me I'd slept all day yesterday and all night.
He has no clue and refuses to listen when I tell him that getting 5 hours a sleep at night, in 45 minute - 2 hour increments is not equivalent to a solid 8 hours. He just swears up and down that I get plenty of sleep.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
@septemberlove: He's being horrible. Does your church have a nursery? If so, send LO with your SO and stay home to rest.
My DH did all of the night wakings from 2 weeks to 5 months (minus one or two). He said that since I had to do the extra work to pump, this is where he could step up. But he's very hands on with LO anyways.
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts
DH got up with me every time just to keep me company because I was having such a hard time coping. While I changed LO's diaper and nursed her, DH would just grab the laptop and put on some youtube videos to watch together to help pass the time. When LO was down to 1-2 wakeups, I just did them myself because she'd just go right back to sleep afterwards.
I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive. Please be firm with him in what you expect because his actions and behaviour are not acceptable.
nectarine / 2127 posts
@MaisyMay: no nursery, just a cry room. DH didn't even offer to take LO when I said I was staying home to sleep. He was kind enough to wake LO up before he left and leave me with a screaming infant. He thinks its funny. LO was sleeping next to the bed in his rnp, I'd just fed him 30 minutes before, and DH came in and started tickling him and asking him why he was asleep. So then LO decided he was starving. He's eaten nonstop since Wednesday and has been horribly fussy about it, eating for a little bit, popping off screaming bloody murder, I soothe him, he eats for a bit, pops off, screams... It's so exhausting and I really felt like slapping DH for waking LO up.
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
@septemberlove: honestly, I'd go stay with family if my husband pulled anything like that. He is being cruel and thoughtless, and if talking doesn't stop it you may need to show him how serious you are.
eggplant / 11287 posts
Wow.......he needs a wake-up call. Big time.
Time for an intervention, mama! Being a dad is a full time job, just like being a mom.
My DD is 13.5 months and wakes up at 3 a.m. DH does that wakeup so I can STTN.
He got up with her a lot when she was a newborn, too. I would go through spurts of feeling like he didn't help enough, but we always talked it out.
papaya / 10560 posts
Nope, it's always been me! I'd rather handle all the night wakings and he can relieve me to take naps on the weekends during the day if possible than us both be worn out.
I guess it's just something that isn't a big deal for me since DS has always been EBF anyhow.
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
I am aggressively not liking his behavior on your behalf. I have been in both situations; a newborn and an unsupportive husband, and a newborn and a supportive husband. I know I wouldn't have had any more kids ever if I didn't know that I would have a parenting partner, because doing it with someone who wasn't interested in doing his part was just unpleasant. You need a partner in this, and it seems like he is just not quite figuring out how to do that for you. I get the impression that you have talked to him about how you feel more than once (please let me know if I'm wrong), and that it hasn't really helped. I think you need to pull out some bigger guns and go to counseling. Beyond that, depending on how you feel about the relationship overall, maybe you need to consider what all of your options are. I hope things get way better for you in a hurry!
hostess / watermelon / 14932 posts
@septemberlove: ugh reading your updates, this definitely doesn't sound like my dh when i said he didn't help. he tried but like PPs, he couldn't manage to wake himself up (even when he said, wake me to help! he was dead to the world) but I take the night feedings and wakeups cause it's just easier that way. your dh needs a reality check!! I wish I had better advice - I really struggled with my dh in the beginning (i may have gone into more detail on another of your posts re: your dh) but he did get better. but he wasn't this bad in the beginning, either. he sounds like he's being a child - i hope that's not offensive - but dude, man up! you're a dad now, suck it up. I had to say that to my husband SO many times and every time it pissed him off. it felt a little better for me to get it off my chest, though it prob didnt help.
nectarine / 2127 posts
I just talked to him again and told him how mad it makes me when he insinuates that all I do is sleep. I told him I'm only getting a few, very interrupted, hours a night and him acting like I just sleep constantly really upsets me. I told him that he gets a full nights sleep every night. He says he helps and that I needed to stop acting like he never helps. He says he takes out the trash, watches the dogs, and he's remodeling the basement.
It all comes down to the fact that we both think we do way more than the other. I don't want to keep score and I don't want to beg him to be a dad. In his head, he's super husband and superdad and I don't think anything I say to him will change that.
He also said I don't let him spend time with LO. He wanted to take him to the garage yesterday, in the 90 degree heat, where he was painting and using a table saw. I told him that wasn't a safe environment for LO. He sees it as me not letting him hang out with LO. He also brought up that he's kept LO during the night (approximately 3 times in the past 10 weeks, each of which, he didn't wake up when LO screamed or he waited for me to get up and tend to LO, so I hardly count that as being helpful).
I tried telling him that I appreciate what he does do but I felt like he didn't realize how much work lo is and how much I'm doing.
hostess / watermelon / 14932 posts
@septemberlove: my husband did not get how much work my daughter was until I left her with him to run errands (for the first time) and she apparently screamed most of the time I was gone. he didn't call me for help or to tell me to come home (which I wish he would have, for her sake!) but just panicked and stood in the nursery in the dark "shushing". He didn't think to go outside, downstairs, changing clothes or scenery, etc. He was visibly shaken up.
A couple weeks later, he had her (awake) for only an hour while I food shopped. Again, I came home and he looked wiped. He couldn't believe that she had such a short attention span - a toy worked for a few minutes, then she needed a change of scenery, etc.
It seemed like the only way he started to really "get" that I worked my tush off all day was to take a turn. But it took me a long time to get him to even be willing TO take that turn, you know? he was terrified of staying alone with her and i think truly didn't want to have to be 100% responsible for her. which sucked, and made me so angry and resentful and just witchy toward him.
i'm sure you've tried all this but maybe you guys could each give something you want? he wants one on one time, you want some rest..tell him as long as he's indoors and in a safe place, he can hang with him while you get a pedi or something...like even if they sit and watch tv (which i hated), maybe he'd feel more like he was 'bonding"? i really don't know
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
That is just so hard! It sounds like in his mind he is doing things that are helpful, and that he feels like sometimes you stop him from parenting "his way." At the same time, it sounds like some of his ideas (bottle propping, having baby near power tools) are things that I don't really blame you for trying to stop or discourage. Do you think he might be open to taking a parenting class, or reading a book geared towards dads? Maybe he just doesn't have very many positive examples of things he can do with your son. Maybe you could sit down together and collaborate on a list of wants that you both have. Like maybe he would want to have you do x, and you'd like him to do y, and you can pick and choose some things off of one another's lists to try and do for eachother. Maybe that would help him to feel less attacked and help you get more of what you need? I know it all just gets compounded by the fact that you are tired... wish I could give you a big hug!
nectarine / 2127 posts
I don't know how to get him to not feel attacked from the moment I start talking. I started off with how much I appreciated the 4.5 hour nap yesterday, which he immediately said was 7 hours (I think it was actually 3 hours, but when he came and bounced me out of bed, he'd said 4.5 hours). I think he knows he's not pulling his share of parenting duties, if he felt like he was, I doubt he would've immediately gone on the defensive. Honestly, I'd be thrilled with just him acknowledging that I don't get much sleep instead of saying I sleep all the time. I'd be thrilled if he simply acknowledged that I do practically all of the baby care. I don't think he will though. He doesn't see it as work and I don't see his basement project as work and I know I don't acknowledge his efforts down there.
I think we're both guilty of being unsupportive spouses but I don't know how to get to a better place but we need to figure it out soon. My maternity leave is over in three weeks and I can't go to work on 5 hours of sleep chopped up in 3 increments. I just can't.
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