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@septemberlove: I am so sorry! My heart hurts for you. I know your parents are going through a divorce but is there any way you can go stay with them for a couple days? I think that some time away from DH would do you a world if good.
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@Smurfette: I actually don't even know where my mother is living, she doesn't want anyone to know because its that ugly right now.
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@septemberlove: would he be annoyed at you if you talked to him like a counselor? I know it's super hard right now and you're both frustrated. He's defensive because he feels guilty. Can you try the sandwich technique? It's where you open with a positive: "the basement is coming along really nicely. You've done a great job blah blah blah" Then drop the negative "I know you've been working hard but I'm super stressed and would really appreciate if you could do/help blah blah blah" Finish with another positive acknowledgement. "Oh and thanks again for letting me sleep the other day. That was really helpful"
I'm hoping things get better for you.
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@septemberlove: I am so sorry. this sounds so much like the place we were in. I know it's so so so hard (I am stubborn to a fault, and will not admit when I'm wrong - bad!) but some tips that I've given clients in the past - and I'm not saying you do these things, at all, no worries. Just some tips for anyone who's reading in.
1) to avoid defensive arguments, if you are not already, try using a different type of "I language". phrasing things such as "I can't stand when you do that. I'm exhausted and you need to help." immediately puts the person on the defense. "I feel really burnt out and unappreciated/sad when I do every night feeding" puts the focus on you. He could technically say, "no, you don't" but in reality, he can't tell you how you are not feeling.
2) I know mr. bee has written about this before, but a smooth relationship key is to have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. This is tough, I know. I still struggle with this. But the days I decide to just "give in" (how I think of it) and not push my points, DH slowly gives to me, as well. He has admitted to me he's more than willing to help but he doesn't want to be attacked.
3) maybe sit down and make a list of things you each need. not, "I need you to do the dishes" but, "I need a mental health break." "I need 4 hours of sleep." and figure out how to compromise so you both get some of your "things". Perhaps if LO wakes at 8 pm, 11 pm, 2 am, 5 am, one of you takes the wake ups til midnight, the other takes the 12-5 wakeups. Or something like that.
4) even if you are hating one another, a sometimes useful way to get back in touch is just that - touch. as angry as you guys may be - or not angry, but indifferent - try holding hands while you watch a tv show, even if you're both using your cell phone with the other. if you're laying in bed together, rest your leg against his, or your arm against his. or if you guys are in a good mood, maybe a hug - can be quick, or longer. but I had clients do this in the room with me and the tension difference before and after was huge - even they were surprised by it.
5) one exercise I had a couple do - was to take a time out. they were really struggling with biting each other's heads off, comparing parenting, undermining each other (changing punishments for children, etc). I instructed them to agree to take 5. if one was feeling like they were about to blow, they were allowed to say "I'm taking 5" and then do just that without their spouse following or yelling. Catch was, they really did have to come back downstairs once they were calm and had taken a small breather. They couldn't just take off.
It took a week or two for this behavior to stick, but the husband had said he was sick of his wife following him around the house yelling at him (and she was sick of him literally leaving the house for hours when he was mad or disagreed) so this allowed them both to seethe and fume for a few minutes, but then revisit the disagreement once they had time to process. they could think about what they wanted, how they wanted to say it, and what they did not agree with while they had some alone time.
*again, not all of these may be pertinent or even work. just trying to help a little if I can, cause I remember being in a similar place, and it was awful
David Schnarch also wrote several books on intimacy (not only sex) and this link may be of interest to some people?
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@septemberlove: Not usually but more than three times. He helped the first couple weeks at least some/most of the time although he didn't usually stay up til lo was back in bed. Now we don't have night feedings but for the wakings he has started helping me out more, like last week. Lo is 9 months.
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It took a lot of fighting but now he does. He wakes up and makes any bottles she needs. I stay up and feed them to her and put her back to sleep. On the weekends he has to watch her in the morning and I get to catch up on some sleep.
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@septemberlove: to the original question - yes, he did/does. I do a *little* more because of nursing, but it's fairly even. As to the underlying issue of your husband not supporting you, you're right: he is not supportive. And he should be. This is something you should actively address in the next few weeks, because things will get harder once you're working. I think other posters have given you great ideas to work with. I hope things start to change soon!
@sorrycharlie: wow! Those are excellent tips for communicating, thank you! My husband and I have what I think is a typical amount of "new parent" stress with each other and I'm going to implement some of those ideas to help us deal better
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@sorrycharlie: thanks for the tips, I really appreciate it. I try very hard to use I language and to bring it up not in the heat of the moment. I think one thing I don't do enough of is giving specifics. I think I need to tell him what I need, like:
I need him to stop telling me how much sleep I get.
I need him to handle lo's evening feedings, maybe from like 7pm-12am and then I'll handle from 12am-7pm. Then I would get 5 hours uninterrupted plus whatever else I managed to get in between feedings.I'm sure there's more I could add but I think asking for those two things would be a good starting point and we could always tweak once I go back to work. I definitely acknowledge that I should be doing more baby care and housework while I'm on maternity leave, it's my job right now, but doing 100% of baby care, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. isn't fair.
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To original question-- I took nearly all night waking bc X was breastfed until 12.5 months, and while I was working, X didn't take the bottle well.. However, if X was teething, or sick, or was otherwise waking up and I knew it wasn't out of hunger, then DH would take him. DH would also do his best to let me get some extra sleep-- if it's obvious I was/am at the end of my rope, DH jumps in w/o being asked, or did/does w/o hesitation when I do ask. If X had been formula fed, DH would've taken on a lot more of the night wakings.
For you in particular, it sounds like you two need to work it out, with outside help. I think it takes a while for new dads to get in their groove, but he needs to get there soon in this area if you're returning to work soon. It shouldn't be about keeping score, but DH doesn't sound like he's being respectful of your contribution or your needs, and he needs to work on being a better dad. I don't have much respect for uninvolved dads who hang the mom out to dry as she takes care of the kids solo.
Another option-- throw $ at the problem. What I mean is, maybe hire a night doula a couple times per week, or a sleep coach so that baby starts sleeping through the night sooner-- do something so that you can sleep and DH isn't on the hook either.
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@septemberlove: We broke up the evening feedings like you describe in the newborn days and it saved our sanities! One person was "on-duty" from like 9pm-2am and then we switched and the other was on-duty from 2am-morning, but of course you can adjust that schedule to whatever makes sense for you guys.
My husband still comments that doing shifts like that was one of the best decisions we made in the early days because each person was able to go to sleep knowing that they could fall deeply asleep and that the other would take care of the baby. Knowing you will actually get 4-5 hours vs. hoping you will really makes a big difference.
Hopefully that will work for you guys as well!
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DH slept from 2pm-11pm while I did dishes, laundry, took care of LO, etc... But when he got up at 11pm, I told him I was going to bed and leaving LO with him and that when he decided to go to sleep, to make sure he brought LO (in his rnp) to my side of the bed so I'd hear him when he woke up.
DH handled all the night wakings (which was probably just one since he'd eaten at 10:30 and woke up at 7 to eat and this whole growth spurt seems to be over, but still) and I got to sleep from 11-7. I'm pretty thrilled. Granted, he slept all day, but I'm still glad he let me get a solid 8 hours of sleep.
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That's great! Definitely an improvement!
Let your DH know how appreciative you are (even it its overkill). Positive reinforcement so he'll keep doing it?
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@blackbird: I told him I appreciated it and he just mumbled. I doubt he will do it again anytime soon, but I'm hoping I can talk to him tonight about doing shifts. He's usually up until 1 or 2 watching tv so I'm hoping he will agree to it. I try not to throw LO in his face the moment he gets home, I know he wants to relax, unwind, and have dinner but I don't think asking him to handle lo's feedings from 7-12 or 8-1 or even 9-1, is an absurd request.
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I don't think so either! I think it's a minor request, actually. Baby steps!
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