So, here we are. I'm sorry if this is long, or has TMI, but I'm hoping that maybe it will help me to process. Thanks in advance for reading.

For as long as DH and I have been thinking about TTC, we've both known that nothing was a guarantee. I have PCOS, and I know how complicated that can make TTC. I know there's no way to predict these things, but somewhere deep down, I was just always afraid to assume it would be easy for us.

More than not being able to conceive, I worried about miscarrying. Would it be painful? Would I be able to handle it emotionally? We recently started TTC, and these thoughts were always in the back of my mind. It was especially bad during the TWW. My body was changing, I was hopeful, I was so excited, but I was also telling myself not to get too attached, that even a BFP did not guarantee a baby in December. In short, I was a complete mess.

Fast-forward to this week. After three straight days of BFNs and the subsequent doubt that maybe it was all in my head, I got my BFP. DH and I were in total shock. We had only just started TTC, and we couldn't believe it had happened so quickly. We decided to wait until I could take another test with FMU on Thursday before we told our families, but I couldn't help but be giddy all day.

Wednesday passed with a whirl of excitement and emotions. I couldn't concentrate on anything and couldn't wait to get home to see DH. We were both still in shock, I think, when I started spotting very faintly before bed. I got nervous, but a quick search of HB showed that lots of people spot early. I took some Tylenol and decided that what my body really needed was rest.

By Thursday morning, I knew that wasn't the case. My BBT plummeted, and I was crampy and passing lots of clots. Instantly, I just knew. An hour later, we were at the doctor's, and they confirmed our worst fear: I had miscarried our baby.

The last few days since then have been a blur. Both DH and I have had our ups and our downs, but mostly, we just ache. Not sharp pain, but a dull, deep ache, that I don't know how to make go away. I feel like I'm walking around with a hole in my heart that no one can touch. We told our families, who have been great, but there is only so much they can do over the phone. I took Thursday and Friday off from school, but we've decided to try to do some normal things today, to get back in the routine. I know it takes time, but I had to do something to keep from going crazy

How long did it take you to get back to a normal routine after a loss? What helped you to feel better? I know that things will get better, but in the meantime, how did you cope?

Thanks again for listening.