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@PrincessBaby: just read your update re your mom. That is so out of line. This is YOUR baby. If your mom had a baby next month and decided not to get vaccinated that's her prerogative. In this instance it is 100 percent your right to ask this of your family members and if they won't it's very antagonistic and undermining of you. You're the mom, what you say goes. Irrespective of if they would/did/knows someone who did differently! Gahhhhhh!
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@adnama: I'm debating ever talking to any of them again at this point! I don't know....I paid for my parents' plane tickets, so I'm out about $700 if this turns into something big enough to cancel their flight. I only get to talk to DH one time a day because he works offshore, and I am just going to talk to him tonight and see what he thinks. I think I'll feel better knowing how to proceed after he weighs in. Ugh!
@sea_bass: I'm sorry they are making you want to rip your hair out too!!! I am definitely going to push the Tdap vaccine for all 3 of them. I am willing to pay for them if needed. I don't know why they're all being so hostile about it. I purchased my parents' plane tix because they can't afford it, you would think my mom would be more open to the idea if the only thing they had to do to come here and meet their first grandchild is get a shot! It's just so infuriating I cannot even stand it!
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@PrincessBaby: I am so sorry about the family drama!
I'm not sure why you can't get it now? I just checked and I received my Tdap shot (Tdap (ADACEL) (Tetanus, diphtheria, acellular pertussis) last Oct and I gave birth in Dec. Hope you get some answers!
My inlaws were stubborn and reluctant to get the Tdap but they eventually caved when we dragged them to CVS....they complained about the pain in their arms for MONTHS! haha -
@PrincessBaby: I think pertussis is a live vaccine and in general, live vaccines are not given during pregnancy. Your DH should get it now so he's protected by the time H arrives but I've never heard of anyone getting it whilst pregnant...maybe because our immune systems are suppressed a bit whilst pregnant and the chances of us actually having a bad reaction to a live vaccine are greater? I'm not sure and i'm not a doctor so definitely not an expert in this area!
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@TurtleDoves: I want a new family! Harper does not need to deal with these crazies so early in life!
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@PrincessBaby: My doctor also told me that I would have to get the booster after I gave birth. Don't know why, sorry.
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@T-Mom: I didn't have to go to the doctor to get my Tdap vaccine. I got it at Walgreens. Not sure if young children can get a DTap at a place like Walgreens though, so they might have to visit the doctor.
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@PrincessBaby: I got mine 2 weeks ago. Some providers say tht there isn't enough research to warrant doing it in pregnancy, but will do it immeadiately following delivery. Mine routinely gives gives so the body has time to build up the immunity.
As far as requesting that family gets the shots, I have to agree with a few previous posters. Immunizations is a really personal decision and I think you can request this, but if they say no be prepared with hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes. I have 2 girls already (one was in the NICU for 3 weeks) and I wouldn't feel comfortable requiring people to do this.
Hopefully you can talk with them once everyone calms down and figure things out together. I think as babies mom it is up to you if the vaccine is more important or having them visit right away.
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@PrincessBaby After a quick google on this interesting topic, I found this. Clearly not a research study, but maybe something to show your parents.
http://medcom.uiowa.edu/health/grandparents-you-need-a-tdap-vaccine-too/
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I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm like @turtledoves, I'm a total pushover. I would probably get some pushback from certain family members if I asked this of them, so I'm going to talk to our doctor and see what they think before I say anything.
As for the TDaP, I don't know why they won't give it to you. My doctor's office readily gave me mine at my 19-week appointment and even had some in stock. Which I'm now of course freaking out about since so many people are saying their doctors WOULDN'T give them one during pregnancy...
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@PrincessBaby: They DO give the Tdap vaccine to pregnant women. I got it and my doctors all recommend that women get it in their 3rd trimester (as does the CDC).
edit: I posted this before reading all the replies. Just go to Walgreens or CVS to get it if you want it before you deliver. Insurance will still cover it (at least it should).
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@PrincessBaby: oh good lord. You paid for their tickets as well? And they had the nerve to carry on like this? Wow. I read some people saying immunisations are a personal choice, that's true. If they found out there was some interactions with heir meds that made it unwise and they explained that to you kindly and said how vigilant they would be about hand sanitizers, maybe this would be ok... but that's not my issue with their behaviour. The tone of the email and the forwarding it on to other people to judge your "crazy pregnancy demands" and your moms phone call are so terrible. So wrong.
Oh and don't worry about me ripping my hair out, it's the only thing I've got going for me at the moment! (I'm 9 weeks and look like I'm going through puberty again with an addiction to donuts, HOT!)
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@sea_bass: mmm...donuts...
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@Ree723: Tdap is an inactive virus.
@PrincessBaby: I got my Tdap booster while pregnant. They were counting down the weeks to give it to me! You can get it after 20 weeks. If you do get it while pregnant, you can pass the antibodies on to her, which can help protect until she can get the vaccine.
People looooooove to talk about how ridiculous first time moms are. I asked my doctor if I was being ridiculous/over protective for asking family to get the flu and pertussis vaccine, and she said absolutely not, that anyone coming into contact with the baby during the first few months (we are also having a winter baby) should have it. There is a big campaign in my area - cute babies on billboards with sayings like "no vaccine? no kisses! stop the spread of pertussis" blah blah blah. So you aren't being ridiculous.
People also looooove to say "well it didn't happen to me." Having a kid who didn't get pertussis or the flu is NOT the same as scientific research!
I agree everyone has the right to make their own choice, but they should also respect yours and bow out if they don't want to take the steps you ask. I think asking people who are staying with you (not just visiting) is totally reasonable.
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I'm so so sorry your family is being so obnoxious about this. It's just a little shot and they're not even asking THEIR doctors about it? So frustrating.
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@PrincessBaby: WTH!!!!!!!!!!??????????? I cannot believe your family is acting this way. You do not need this kind of stress, nor do you need them bringing germs, etc. that your baby cannot handle.
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@jedeve: Thanks for clarifying my mistake! I must have gotten a bit confused and should have double checked before posting. I know in Australia they won't give you pertussis whilst pregnant; they also won't give MMR and the nasal flu vaccine whilst pregnant and I know both of those are weakened live viruses, so I automatically lumped pertussis in that category. I did ask my midwife why I had to wait until LO was born before I could get the vaccine and I thought that had been her response, but clearly not! Anyway, thanks for clarifying!!
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I just read through the whole thread. I think you are absolutely and totally in your right to request the TdaP and flu vaccines. Sawyer was born in April, so the flu vaccine was not an issue, but I did insist that all grandparents, aunts, cousins etc be immunized if they wanted to hold Sawyer before he got his first set of immunizations. My SIL refused (she is anti-vaccine for her kids) but was totally understanding of why, and our niece just didn't lay hands on Sawyer until he was done his first vaccines.
In my province (in Canada) they are recommending that anyone who will be around your baby for more than 1 HOUR get the TdaP vaccine, and flu vaccine in flu season. My best friend works as a peds emergency nurse and could tell you 100 scary stories of why this is a really important issue right now.
Pertussis and influenza are transmitted by droplet, so washing hands is simply not enough to stop transmission. Any cough/sneeze within 6 feet of the baby would have the potential to transmit the viruses. Pertussis is infectious for 1 week prior to onset of cough, so you could make a baby sick before you feel anything. Influenza is infectious for a day prior to symptom emergence.
I would hope your Mom and Sister would get over themselves and do what is best for your baby, their granddaughter and niece, and get the immunizations or stay away.
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I just explained this whole situation to DH to ask him what we'd do and his response? "If they want to get near the baby, they have to get the shot."
I can be kind of a b*tch, so if my mom insisted on coming without getting vaccinated and I didn't want to start WWIII with her, I'd make her wear a sars mask since it's an airborne illness - handwashing/sanitizer won't cut it.
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Oh please, she's not going to get sick from the flu shot. In addition to protecting her niece, it will also protect her from getting the flu this season (bonus!). 29$ isn't much, but maybe if you offer to pay it for her she'll accept?
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@boiledpnut: this is good to know thanks...
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I pretty much second most of the previous posts - but one thing stuck out to me. If she won't go into a doctor's office for fear of being ill, does she go out in public? I don't mean that to sound snarky - I truly don't, I'm just honestly curious. You can just as easily catch something in a public place as the doctor's office. Which is why I'm wondering if she'd even be willing to get the vaccine at someplace like CVS or Target. If she regularly shops there, you could use that in your argument as well..that she goes there anyway, so she can grab the shot while she's there. easy peasy lemon squeezy!
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@PrincessBaby: I got conflicting information from doctors in my practice about the Pertussis Vaccine while pregnant. A few doctors in my practice said, yes - get it anytime, and a few said no because the tetanus component is maybe not safe? I asked our perinatologist and he said he'd never heard that a pregnant woman shouldn't get it. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm inclined to just get it in the hospital after delivery but I know they say you should have it a few weeks before...
Anyway, I am sorry it isn't getting any better so far. My advice would be to wait a day or two to clear your head and then try talking to them again. Maybe you can remind your mom that the DTAP booster is beneficial to her, too.
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@Ree723: I think maybe it used to be live? My NP explained once about how it used to be taboo to give but now it is recommended.
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@PrincessBaby: bahahah....they best get those shots! And when they do this whole thing will be fine...honestly, babies make people super happy. So, I hope they do what they need to do. Meanwhile....what airline did you book with? Because some let you change the dates for free....so maybe push mom & dad to another date if sh** truly does hit the fan (God forbid)
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@MsMini: If it's spread through droplet, would wearing a mask stop transmission? I'm just curious, because as ridiculous as that may be (making everyone wear a mask around the baby) at least it could be offered as an option to those not comfortable with vaxing.
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@Arden: Yep, a mask, combined with vigilant hand hygiene, and changing the mask every 20 minutes would do it. Most people don't know that masks are only good for 20 minutes before they get wet enough that breathing through them can spray droplets (ewww). Basically the person would need to wear the mask at all times within 6 feet of the baby, change the mask every 20 minutes, and wash their hands before and after every mask change.
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@MsMini: Well, that's certainly an option to consider then. It might be a little nuts, but at least she could give people an option so they feel like they have a bit of control over their decision...
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Sounds like a good option if the sister isn't going to be vaccinated. Option A, Option B, or Option C you in a few months, I guess.
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@Princessbaby Has your dad weighed in? I thought you mentioned he was coming too...
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A couple of thoughts:
1) the flu shot is considered preventative care and is covered at 100% by healthcare plans (unless grandfathered under the affordable healthcare act).
2) The pertussis vaccine is part of the tetanus vaccine. As long as the vaccine is current, I thought you were okay. My DH and I just looked into this now that LO is over 1, and we were told that we didn't need it again since we both got when she was born.
So from a cost perspective, 1) should be covered. and 2) might not even be necessary.
Please someone correct me if I'm misinformed.
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Ok, I really think you need to calm down here. I think the main issue is (if I'm being honest) that they are refusing to do something you want them to do. Every time you've talked about your parents it's been how amazing they are. This is nothing to cut ties over. Once the baby is here they will likely just not care, but for now they might see this as pregnancy diva behavior.
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@MsMini: thanks for all the info -- very helpful!
i'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this drama @PrincessBaby! i just wanted to say that i completely agree that you have the right (and responsibility) to ask those staying in your house to look out for sweet baby h's health. i hope everything works out, and everyone comes to their senses! you inspired me to speak with my mom and mil, so thank you!
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I didn't request it from my parents who came to visit from half way around the world b/c, well, I just didn't think about it at the time. My youngest was born at the tail end of the flu season this year that got extended into summer believe it or not. AND there was a whooping cough outbreak around here so getting the tdap shot was also highly recommended. I was the only one who got it (at the hospital after my baby was born). My husband was suppose to get it but he hasn't, yet. I believe there has been an outbreak in quite a few states now.
So if she doesn't want to get the flu then at least get the tdap. If you're open to it, maybe offer to pay for it if cost is an issue? I mean, it sucks that you have to offer to pay for it b/c she is your sister. :\
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I don't really have anything to add that the other ladies have already said but I've been reading this thread from my phone while nursing today and I am so sorry that this is causing you so much stress! I totally get where you're coming from. I hope after your mom and sister have some time to think about it they come around
Hugs!
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I'm so sorry your going through this!
Hopefully, both parties can take some time to cool down and make a better plan, because to break up a family would be a terrible thing, especially for your baby girl!
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@MamaG: My Tdap was covered partially by insurance. I think it covered like $15 of the $65 that it cost. But it's still worth it. Also, our pediatrician said that usually they just give the Td vaccine when giving a tetanus booster, not the Tdap. Not sure if it's just our area or if that's all over the place. It definitely is worth it to ask if the shot includes Pertussis when you get it (or when you got the last booster).
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@boiledpnut: Thanks! I didn't realize the "standard" tetanus booster was different. I happened to be overdue on the tetanus as well when LO was born.
Maybe I need to research more on the Pertussis part and how often adults should be getting boosters.
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@MsMini: Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of that detailed information. I know that you are a nicu nurse, but I also know that in general, you are pretty laid back and are not one of those alarmist/extremist people, so your medical opinion and experience definitely matters to me, especially if you also agree that this is not going over-the-top and can have real consequences if ignored! I am grateful that you weighed in here!! It is very very helpful!
I just want to thank everyone for all of your support and advice. I respect differing opinions and it's always helpful to hear those as well.
With that being said, after discussing it at length with DH, we have decided to wait until tomorrow to give it time to cool off, and then to let my Mom, Dad, and sister know that due to increased outbreaks within the last year, we feel it's best for Harper if they are vaccinated with the Tdap. Since I had the flu shot and will be BF'ing, I'll pass the antibodies on to her to help protect her, so we won't push that. But I am simply going to say that we really want them here, can't imagine them not being a part of all of this, but we want Harper to be healthy as well, so if they will just go to the Walgreens or CVS and get the shot, we will gladly pay for it. DH's parents are coming in January, and they have also readily agreed to do the same, so we're just taking precautions with everyone that will be around her for extended stays, just holding her best interests at heart.
I am not going to threaten initially with "or you can't come" but I am prepared to do that if needed. All 3 have flights booked through Southwest, and there is no change fee. So no one will lose money if flights have to be rebooked, but I'm really praying that it doesn't come to that.
My Dad, who I have not spoken to about this, is the one that I think I can talk to and get him to convince my mom to get her shot, whether she's happy about it or not. My Dad is so excited about his first grandchild, and I really cannot see ANYTHING keeping him away. So I am going to talk to him before speaking with my mother about it again. I am definitely going to wait until at least tomorrow before addressing it again.
I know that they need to be vaccinated 2 weeks prior to contact, so I think if I can let them know tomorrow (wed) that this needs to be done by Mon or Tues to keep Harper safe, then I'm hoping they oblige.
If my sister decides to be pissy about it- which she may - then I'll be sad, but I don't feel it's right to make a big deal about it to everyone and then make exceptions for others. Nor do I want to make exceptions to accommodate others' stubbornness. The only person I'm truly interested in accommodating is Harper. So if she throws a fit and wants to change her flight, then that's okay.
By the same token, I can't force my sister to stay away if she won't get vaccinated without doing to same to my parents. So the hardest thing is going to be to get my mother to understand that she HAS to get the shot, especially since she is staying the longest. She'll be here 2 weeks.
I truly hope that they respect my and DH's wishes and we don't have to have a "well then we need to cancel flights" conversation. I am really hoping it doesn't come to that.
I feel really good about our decision, and I know it will be worth the peace of mind that I feel when they are all here and I'll know that Harper is safe.
I am so grateful to all of you for expressing your opinions and sharing your experiences, because even though I knew what I wanted the outcome to be and what I felt comfortable with, I wasn't sure if I was being overly-protective or silly. Thank you all for helping me to address this confidently:)
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Oh my God, I cannot take this. My Dad just called me and said that he's not getting any shots, and that they believe that it could affect their health (no medical basis for this- mind you, just a "feeling") and if it means they are not around for Harper's birth, then they'll wait until they can see her when she's older. I told him that I want them here, and I can't believe they would miss out on such an important thing because of a shot they haven't even looked into. He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't like shots. I reminded him that no one like shots, but we're talking about the health of a baby.
The most ludicrous and jaw-dropping thing that he said was that we have different beliefs, and he gave the example that he believed that Harper's middle name should have been the family name (mine and my mom's), which is Leigh. So he wanted her named Harper Leigh. I wouldn't have it because of To Kill a Mockingbird, but he said that he still doesn't agree with the fact that I did not give her the family middle name, but he realized he had to let it go. I could not even believe he was comparing that to the situation with us not agreeing on the Whooping Cough shot.
I am so upset that I'm not going in to work today. I cannot stop crying because I have no idea what to do. Nothing in me wants to turn my parents away. I never thought that they wouldn't be around for my first baby.
It makes me mad that they are so stupid and small-minded, and it makes me sad for Harper that they would react this way over a single shot that will protect her.
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