Hellobee Boards

I highly recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodetsky, and then implementing her playing cards system.

It will take some work, but will definitely help you and DH. The book doesn't recommend that your DH reads it, but I thought it was necessary that we both read it, so that DH could really understand the mental load associated with every decision that needs to be made.

There is also a website, that is a great resource for the playing cards, and can give you a preview of what the book talks about.
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe

No advice really but I know how you feel. DH has been better about helping out at home, but I work 8 hours OOH, work up to an hour more at home, make dinner, take care of the kids, and then he gets mad if I don't cuddle on the couch with him or give him any attention. He doesn't get that I need ME time.

I have started 'checking out' for a half hour to run on the treadmill every night with a book. Its such a little thing but it's made a difference.

@HappyBaker: especially from the comments you made, fair play is exactly what you are looking for. Its going to give DH accountability, open your communication, and the ability to shift responsibilites when one of you (you!) is feeling overwhelmed and needs a lighter plate. There is also a big section that talks about unicorn time, which is time for your own hobby. This is separate from exercise and other self-care. This will help you both have a more balanced life and feel more like your own person.

granted its not going to be perfect due to the pandemic, I mean who has had a date night, or girls night, or most of the things that keep us sane - but if you each take equitable time each week you will be happier humans and show a good example to your kids. If the entire family knows that mom spends every saturday morning from 9-11 is either won't be home or is TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE while sewing/dancing/woodworking/learning latin then the whole family will adjust. And the same while dad is doing the same thing every sunday.

I would also take a look at what some of your pain points are. Cooking taking too long? tripping over shoes in the hallway? take some time to figure out how this can be better. It sucks to add it on to your mental load, but the end result may be worth the additional short term weight. And post on here for ideas to help with! I know there was one Bee who kept her kids shoes and socks in the car, so that they were never lost and always ready to go. that doesn't work for me, but its a unique idea that helped me think outside the box.

The point is your rage is valid. Its also fixable, if you DH is willing to make changes. And we are here to lean on!

@HappyBaker: the post-dinner poop had me LOLing so hard. I too have to deal with the disappearing-to-go-poop issue. Like others said, my DH does a much better job of just checking out or stepping away than I do. We've talked about it before. He just doesn't feel like he has to ask for permission for that like I do. I've done it myself twice now when I was at my limit, and it was really quite amazing once I got past the guilt. I don't really have anything to offer except commisseration! By the end of the day, I don't want anyone speaking to me (all I hear is "mamamamamamamama" 795 times a day) or touching me. Just let me beeeeee.

@happybaker: Total commiseration here! But I wanted to add that for me a big part of this has been related to the pandemic. DH and I both need alone time, but because we can't really go anywhere, it's so hard to check out when everyone else is still in the house. Hopefully when the weather gets warmer it will be a little better. And, related to being extra rage-y with DH, I have been thinking, "how can I miss you when you won't go away" I just feel like we are together so much more than usual. And while that's kind of nice, I also want to be like, go away for 2 days and then I'll be really happy to see you.

@foodiebee: @Mrs. Carrot: @HappyBaker: this resonates for me so much. when i'm at home, i feel like i have to be "on" for the kids ALL THE TIME, and if i ever need a break to do something, i spend so much time and mental energy talking to DH about it and assigning out the responsibilities and making sure that he knows he is in charge and i'm stepping away. but when HE wants to step away he just...goes. no qualms, and honestly he gets a little mad when i get annoyed about it ("i had work i needed to do!" "i needed a break!" etc...like, literally all i'm asking is for you to tell me what you are doing and when). i honestly want to be better about doing this myself but i truly feel like i need and want him to confirm he'll be keeping the kids alive while i'm tied up lol.

@foodiebee: This is what I'm trying to do more of too. I've said those exact words too and I think it just never occurred to him how it comes off when he does it. He's trying to be a bit more proactive when I do ask or point things out, so I'm trying to get over my frustration of having to constantly ask and explain things.