You know those moments when you just feel like the most awful parent in the world and you cannot erase the feeling of regret that has just been burned into your brain? Ugh.

This morning Wagon Jr. woke up with his first nosebleed. He woke up crying a little earlier than usual, and since he wakes most mornings crying, we ignored him as usual. We were away this weekend so when he kept crying instead of settling down and happily rolling around until we got him, I actually got annoyed. I figured he was having a rough time transitioning back into our regular routine. His crying sounded really pathetic and was stopping and starting, and I couldn't help but think "why is he crying? He should know by now he doesn't need to cry if there's nothing really wrong."

There was something wrong... I went in to get him and he was COVERED IN BLOOD. The second I stepped in the room he stopped crying and pointed at the crib sheet and said "I spilled it", and I saw big dark spots on the sheet. Then I looked at his face and it was completely covered in blood. In his hair, in his eyes, all over both his hands, his blankie was totally covered, his pajamas and sleep sack... it was like a scene from a horror movie. I grew up with constant nosebleeds so I knew enough to know it was definitely coming from his nose, so I snapped into calming mommy mode and immediately started saying "it's ok RJ, Mommy is going to fix it all, Mommy will fix it, let's go straight into the bath and fix it all."

(I'm SO glad I decided to go get him instead of Wagon Sr. as usual... Wagon Sr. would definitely have panicked and made Wagon Jr. a lot more scared.)

The bath went ok but he did freak out a few more times as he watched us wash his blankie, and then a few more times as he realized his blankie was soaking wet. (Thank goodness we have 4... Mommy took it away and brought it back completely dry, what a miracle!) Then we went about our morning as usual and he was happy as a clam and went off to school just fine.

Me? I pre-rinsed everything in the sink and then put everything directly into the wash. The smell of your child's blood as you rinse it out of his sheets and clothes is the worst smell in the entire world.

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that he was sitting in his crib, scared and alone, for 20+ minutes, covered in blood and smearing it all over his face as he tried to wipe his tears away. And watching his blankie get redder and redder as he tried to cuddle and kiss it to comfort himself.

I want to rip my brain out of my head to stop feeling this regret!!!!! I don't understand why I didn't see the blood on the video monitor.

I'm happy to be back at work today but the only thing I wanted to do was stay home with him, wash all of the bloody things, and make everything right. He is such a trooper and was even happier this morning going to school than most mornings... he didn't even cling on to Wagon Sr. like he has been these days. Thank God or I might have just called in and quit my job to be with him every single day until he turns 18.