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@JennyD: They may not appreciate or want your help. That's okay. If you want to help, help without expectations. Even if they seem selfish now, I'm sure they will be fine once the baby gets here. Everyone hates having someone tell them, "I told you so!"

You do sound like maybe there's more to this than her being a clueless first-time pregnant lady. If I was in the situation of someone not being appreciative of my offered help/gear, I'd stop giving it. (Actually, I'd likely talk to my brother before that and say "Dude, what's your damage? Every time we give you stuff you whine about it. Do you really not want it?" But I don't know if your relationship works that way.)

I think your sister is being petty to skip the baby shower. It's a celebration for the new child and to help the parents prepare. I don't think helping with some decorating/games is too huge to ask of you, especially since you offered to help way back when. You know your SIL best, but this does sound like a case of a clueless woman who will very likely have her eyes opened to the world of parenthood and feel embarrassed by her former cluelessness.

Sounds like there's more to it than what you've written here. I don't see anything wrong with them not wanting your hand me downs. It's nice to offer them but they should say no if they don't want them and that's not being selfish or unappreciative. A lot of first time parents want brand new stuff and to pick their own out especially if they're planning on more than one.

I say if you want to help great if you don't then fine. Nothing good will come of having an I told you so attitude. Neither of you will get anything positive out of it, so I'd just let it go.

How was your first year with baby? Your comments about them being clueless and you being one and done makes me wonder if your perceptions are colored by a difficult first year....? It's ok if so, but being self-aware of that might be helpful. I personally have had a great first year and find it difficult to talk with parents who act like the baby stage is horrible.

As a FTM who was a recipient of a lot of hand-me-downs, I was appreciative of a lot of it, but there were certain things I wanted to pick out myself and so this put me in a bit of an awkward position of not wanting to refuse and look snobby, but really not wanting the item at my house. It wasn't too much of an issue until family members started buying copious amounts of toys and clothes we didn't need either. Literally the grandparents have bought a new toy every week for the past 3 months... and at one point I had 27 pairs of pants in the 12-18m size.

@JennyD: I feel like people are being harsh. I understand exactly what you're talking about. I had my baby last fall and my sister has maybe seen him four times. Doesn't ask about him; generally couldn't care less. But I know when she gets pregnant soon it's going to be all about her. It's annoying and it's happened before in other contexts and I get it!

Isn't everyone a selfish dink before having kids? That's why it's such a big shock to actually have a kid!

Just to play devil's advocate...is it possible that your SIL just isn't a party/gift person? Like, it's not something that is important or a priority for her (especially concerning people throwing parties for her and/or getting her gifts)...so that she doesn't understand that not attending or gifting things to you guys offended you?

I also think a lot of people a) don't want a ton of baby stuff for their first (e.g., I was adamant that we not have too many toys, not ugly plastic stuff, etc etc) and/or b) want to pick out stuff that they really like. I mean, there are plenty of posts on HB about how people don't like things that are gifted to their kids and what to do with it...why would it be any different when things are handed down? While I realize you are trying to do her a favor and save her money, that might not be her highest priority. I'd just ask them if they actually want it or not...with no pressure to answer a certain way!

With regards to the hand me downs, did they actually say they wanted them? I had to turn a lot of people down that offered me hand me downs. I felt like I was more of a way to get rid of old stuff. It is exciting to buy/have gifted new baby stuff!

Before you have kids you don't know what you don't know. I offered someone my son's hand me downs and they were kinda lukewarm about it. That's fine, whatever. I mean, now as a second time mom I know being gifted three years worth of clothes saves a LOT of money. And that I could then fill in with clothes I picked out. But she doesn't get that yet and that's ok.

Just as perspective, my brother and SIL had their kids first. He asked, and I obliged, for a TON of babysitting help. My brother lives over an hour from me, and I even one time agreed to take a couple days off work to watch their kids. I must have watched them 30-40 days. I also developed a VERY strong bond with their sons.

When I had a kid, nope, none of those things were reciprocated. My SIL just does the cordial, awknoledge my son, say hello, but that is it. Even til this day her boys are crawling all over me at family events and she is off pouring herself a glass of wine.

I totally keep score in my head - I can't help but feel the imbalance. BUT, we have a long life ahead of us, and I feel like the universe often works itself out. Maybe in 15 years they will provide help in a way I will be forever greatful.

Give it time, try not to focus too much on what is fair now, your brother may never say it to you, but I'd bet once his child comes he may self reflect and realize they ways in which he didn't show up for you.

Also... even though I still roll my eyes occasionally at the parents (less and less so as time goes on) I just love the new little person that entered our lives. I really, truly do. I don't get to see them anywhere near often enough, but I"m glad that baby was born and I still celebrate baby's milestones.. So I hope you get that too.

@sapphire: this seems like sn overly harsh response. My experience as the first married and first to have children is that people tend to work out their jitters with your big events, and then expected you to be super put together and old pro when it is time for theirs. It does generate resentment, and typically causes a pattern to develop where the older siblings are viewed as the available and stable ones, which can feel confining and hurtful. I agree with others who say stop giving stuff or offering to help if they aren't appreciative. I disagree with people who take the "water under the bridge" approach because if the cycle n't nipped in the bud, it eventually repeats itself. I do think the OP needs to self assess why she views motherhood as one long slog of obligations and perhaps use some self-care to address that. Part of the self care might include dispensing with unnecessarily stressful family obligations for uninterested family members!

Well I think the title of your post says it all - "First time mom-to-be VERSUS experience moms." You're viewing it as a competition of who's right and who's wrong and who knows more. As others have said, and you've admitted, you're keeping score.

My sister has always been a little selfish. 2 kids later and she's still a little selfish. She drives me crazy with a lot of things that she does. But my kids love her kids, so as much as she might piss me off, I get over it for them.

As far as showing up for birthday parties...meh. My BILs haven't come to all of D's parties. Whatever. They're busy. I haven't been to most of my step-brother's kids' parties. You go when you can't, skip it when you have to. If you're feeling an obligation to go (and feel that others are obliged to come to your parties), then I think it's time to reevaluate who you're doing it for.

Why do you care? Is it because they're not being appreciative enough?

I personally didn't want anyone's hand me downs, I know you (generally speaking here) think you did the most research and made the best choices, but things change and people tend to want their own stuff. It's okay, don't worry about it. I would just not give them anything else, if there is anything left to give. I have a 6 year old boy and no one wants the clothes he outgrows, trust me. They're rags.

I know it's hard not to keep score, I very much do that too, so I have no advice for you there.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: I can only speak for myself, but when I keep score, I tend to get very angry and I can't let it go, the longer I am tracking, the worse it gets. I also can be very outwardly mean, and it's usually not to the people that actually did anything, it is those that have nothing to do with the behavior, so it doesn't actually accomplish anything.

I completely understand what you are saying and where you are coming from.
People can be difficult. Relationships can be hard. And one-sided interactions are way too acceptable for lots of people.

Keeping score (being aware) of the differences in a relationship is normal. Having the benefit of hindsight is ironic. And first time moms can be amusing and annoying. I know, I was one once

At the end of the day, do what you want to do and do what you feel is right with low expectations. If you want to help, help. If you find it painful or frustrating, don't.

Now that I am a mom to a 4 year old and expecting another in June, I have had my experiences with one-sided friendships, keeping track of who did what, and people being generally rude (and justifying it). At this point, I just know my network, vent when I need to, and keeping doing what I feel is right.

I have experience with people who are indifferent when it comes to giving, but when it is their turn in the spotlight they need everyone tuned in 100%. I just don't get involved with those people. Kids or no kids, people can be annoying.