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if I was on the receiving end of this, I would assume they don't really deep-down care about me/my family, or maybe they don't enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs, and I'd try to shrug it off as an "oh well, didn't work out", even though I might be tempted to be a little butthurt over it. then I'd stop inviting them to stuff except maybe my kid's birthday party and really try not to worry about it, and just let the friendship fizzle out. if the husbands want to get a beer every once in a while, maybe that's all it needs to be.
ETA unless they're very, very close, A-team friends. then I'd say you'd noticed this pattern in a gentle but straightforward way.

We have friends like this but they're new friends to us. But every party we've had in the last year, they're all excited to go and then back out last minute, usually day of or day before. So basically I just don't plan on them actually coming even though they say yes! 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry. I think it's a bit tricky since it seems to be primarily a friend of your husband's. Maybe his wife is overwhelmed by other things, maybe just not interested, or maybe some combination. There have definitely been situations where I really did want to socialize with people more but life got in the way, and if I didn't know them that well I wasn't necessarily comfortable elaborating on details of why I couldn't make it. I personally would keep inviting them if your husband still talks regularly to his friend, but not expect it to work out to be social as a couple.

Yeah, I bet it's a bedtime/naptime schedule thing. Dinner is close to bedtime, Superbowl party over naptime. Cookie party might have been over nap or bedtime. If the 1st birthday is in the afternoon, it's over naptime. I found it hugely annoying when my friend's kids were on 1 nap and mine was on 2, because they were never awake at the same time. Also, even before you had M, you had dinner at their house. Not yours, ever? That tells me they really protect sleeptimes.

"...but we're expected to come to all of their things."I disagree. You are taking their invitations to functions as must-do activities and prioritizing them so you can attend. Just like invitations come with a yes/ no attendance so do theirs. Just say no. Go to what you'll enjoy and don't worry about the rest.

To be clear, it's frustrating when you seem to be putting more effort into hanging out when you get a invite, but attendance is not always a litmus test of friendship. Sounds like you both have good intentions and invite each other to a bunch of things.

I'm guessing it's a mix of prioritizing their kid's schedule (though on the other hand usually you know if people are this way with their kids, it's not like something that needs to be a secret!) but also like what @808love: said, just being more interested in being in charge of their social schedule. The second quality I also find aggravating so I think you just need to decide if it's worth feeling like second fiddle to continue to prioritize the friendship.

I know how you feel bc we have two sets of friends in our social circle who show up way late to everything and then often are the first to leave. I finally realized that when we socialize we are ok with letting our LO skip a nap, nap in the car, etc. and they just aren't. That's ok. IT can still be frustrating but everyone needs to parent in the way best for their child.

We had a really challenging first kid and his schedule was non-negotiable. We kind of had to go off the grid for a few years unless things were at our house or planned around our schedule. I would try not to let it get to you. The early years are really tough.

I'm thinking that they're really strict with their LO's schedule and can't always make things happen. I bet they don't even realize they're canceling on only your things since you seem to hang out otherwise. Going out to dinner for us was really hard, because we never had a baby sitter that wasn't family. There could also be money issues there too...one night out for us (with two kids) is a $60 babysitting night alone on top of the cost of dinner.

I'd cut this mama some slack, and don't feel like you HAVE to go to their things. If you have something else going on, respectfully decline. I take the early years of kids with a grain of salt with trying to make it to things. Unexpected stuff pops up all the time with kids and I think you're expecting too much from them.

@2PeasinaPod: Agree with this.

We were pretty strict with naps and bedtime too, so declined stuff that just didn't work for our family. And that happened a lot, because a lot of people plan parties for 1:00 in the afternoon (nap time) or evenings (that screw up dinner and bedtime). Plus, I don't know about your friends' kid, but mine are sick ALL THE TIME except in the summer, so I've had to cancel things last minute a LOT. It sucks.

Friendships are hard to maintain when you both have little kids. Try to cut these people some slack and give yourself some grace too. You don't have to go to everything. Just like they don't have to go to everything. But keep inviting each other if you want to maintain the friendship and know that it eventually gets easier!

Frankly, I'm surprised anyone with kids wouldn't be sympathetic to the fact that having kids means that 50% of plans are likely to be cancelled due to sleep issues, illness, or general craziness of having said kids.

My favorite friends are the ones that understand if we have to cancel, and that extend a, "I'm sorry things are hard right now! Let me know if we can help in any way!!" ... We used to do weekends away with our best friends at least 4 times per year (even after having LO). But, at about 2, LO's sleep disorder basically wrecked everything about our normal life. We didn't do date nights anymore, couldn't hire babysitters, and staying in an unfamiliar house with friends for the weekend just couldn't happen. It sucked, and I had to mourn the loss of that part of my life. Thankfully, my best friend just invited us (now that we're on the other side of it) again, and I'm so, so excited to start up this tradition again. I'm so thankful for her giving us the space to work through some hard shit.

When there's resentment involved (like you said, "they expect you to go to all of their things" - why do you think you're more obligated than they are?), it's hard to maintain a friendship. I think there's a lot of room for grace in this case.

I have 1 friend who sends, "Are you mad at me?" texts every month ... NO! I have a newborn, and a SUPER spirited 3.5 year old who has a sleep disorder. My life is INSANE, and I have to take care of my family first.

I wouldn't necessarily take their actions personally. We are schedule people and don't push bedtimes or naps too often. It just makes our lives so much harder! My husband also works at least one weekend day, so I tend to decline many social invitations because I feel like our family needs to reconnect and relax from our hectic work weeks. Maybe it's also because we are a two working parent home, but we tend to socialize during the day and hardly ever at night. Sleep is too precious at this stage!

So, I'm like your friend. We basically never hang out with people after 6:00 because my youngest goes to bed between 6:30/7:00 and she WILL let you know about it when it's time. My oldest was a little more flexible, but even as an infant, she was going to bed by 7:30. My friends without kids just didn't understand why we couldn't meet for dinner at 7:00, and even now they don't get why I'm saying no to going to free concerts that start at 6:00. I can't count how many times I've had to explain to people that my kids are a mess if they don't get their sleep, especially my youngest. And then reiterate that if they want me to stay out, they are welcome to hang out with my kid once she is overtired and screaming for bed.

I think you need to give them some grace and if maintaining the friendship is important to you, ask what works for their family schedule and try to schedule things that work for both of you.