Hellobee Boards

I would.....

Tell DH that when he can provide some legitimate reasons why HE holds that parenting style outside that's what his parents did, or just b/c, then he should trust me in this possibly being best for our kid(s).

Maybe if he starts getting better educated on some of these issues you two can have some middle ground atleast.

I am sorry. That does sound really frustrating. I don't think any couple have the exact same parenting style. I guess the best thing is to discuss each situation and try and communicate what your plan is and are already doing. It's no good to have one parent parent one way and then the other parent comes home and does the complete opposite. It's a losing battle as i'm sure you already know! What I try to do is tell DH that I do not let her do that, or eat that, or whatever because.....and explain why I do it. That's a tough one.

@grizz: yes, you would think so,but it is a matter of pride...at least it was for my husband.

I would try asking him why he is getting frustrated. He may respond that he is frustrated that it come naturally to you and not him.

Big hugs!

Is it possible at all to try and meet in the middle? I would try and find little things that he's doing that you could adapt, and hopefully that would encourage him to do the same...

I am sorry, that sounds frustrating! I have a dear friend who has been dealing with a similar situation and it has been rough for her.

Would it be possible to find a parenting class that you might be able to attend together? Some of my local hospitals offer different workshops that might be helpful. One thing that has helped with my friend is to explain that she researched her choice and thinks it is a good option because X and asks that they both try that technique for two weeks to see if it works for them and then reevaluate.

I think articles or short bits of books you like might be worth sharing with him too. Would he be ok with signing up for one of those weekly emails with what your baby is up to? I know a bunch of dads who have said those emails really helped them get the hang of being a dad because they had no clue what to expect or what to do with their baby.

Would he be willing to read any of the books? Maybe you could mark out important sections (rather than just throwing sears' whole baby book at him ). I'm a big believer in alone time to talk, too, so maybe you can get a babysitter for an hour and go out for breakfast or something.
Hope you can find some middle ground, and sorry its tough right now

I'm sorry you guys are on such different pages. I'm going to play devil's advocate because I think most people on hellobee lean towards AP but that doesn't mean it's the best option for everyone, so give your husband a chance to give his reasons. For example, I'm not a huge fan of lots of baby wearing because my LO is in day care and I don't want her to get used to being held all the time because day care can't meet that need. So people certainly having legitimate reasons why they don't agree with aspects of AP.

I agree with @scg00387. I like to send my FI articles via mail, then discuss them later. We've also compromised a little as LO gets older........I've realized crying for about 5 minutes *does* help B go to sleep, FI realizes that if B is still crying after 5 min, then he "needs" something and goes to get him.

As LO gets older, he will start to have more independent play, and you'll see it will be good for him.....i would say this changed around 6mo. but I remember at 3months, LO couldn't play alone, yet FI wanted him to.

Anyway, I think it's good to keep communication open, but in my case it seemed to resolve itself as LO got older...

Some of the things my husband wanted to do that made me say WTF came from a lack of education. It helped when I explained the research I'd done, etc. I think it also helped that I found places to compromise. Letting my husband feed F a French fry at 8 months off-sets my request that he doesn't tell F he's "faking" when he cries. I've started trying to figure out what's most important to me about parenting & focusing on that regarding us being on the same page.

Your situation sounds a little more extreme, but I think an honest conversation(s) could help. Have research/articles/studies available for him, like Espion's video. Choose just 1 or 2 big things to tackle together & ask him why he's so afraid of spoiling your son. I bet he has some reasons and maybe he doesn't even realize what they are.

Good luck - I bet you can find a happy parenting place!

Is it an issue because what' youre doing isn't working? Or because you're unhappy with how it's going? Or because he's unable to replicate the same thing? Because those are all legitimate concerns.

If he's upset because he just thinks that his way is right, then that's a different story. I would try to uncover WHY he feels like those methods are better than the ones you're using (successfully I would assume?), and if you are successful with you rmethods, why he feels that anything needs to change. Where does he get these ideas from--is it how he was raised? how he read babies "should" be treated?

@grizz: crying it out no matter how young, as in the week you guys came home from the hospital, he wanted your baby to sleep through the night? And when you say he wants your baby to play alone with long periods of wake times for 30 minutes, do you mean he wants your LO to be awake for 30 minutes or to play alone for 30 minutes? Just trying to get a clear picture of your husband's parenting ideas and if they are just different from yours or if they are harmful.

Parenting in the newborn stage is demanding and HARD. And parents are never going to 100% agree on how to parent their children, plus sleep deprivation makes everyone crabby. My husband and I have butted heads in many things since our 9 week old has been born. But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I'm glad my husband is involved enough to have an opinion and not make me do all the parenting, like some of my friends' husbands.

And sometimes, despite the fact that it goes against current trends and he didnt read it in a book or HB, he turns out to be right. For example, recently we've been taking our baby to an occupational therapist who has been working on her tight jaw and neck that makes her latch awful. She said we should be 1oo% be doing paced feeding from a bottle if we bottle feed. I've read so much here and on Kellymom about paced feelings, I began to do that even though it seemed our baby was eating less that way. He refused to do it, and prefers to feed her while she is lying back in a pillow. We went round and round about the bottle feeding issue, with me presenting all the websites in the world and him resisting and insisting our baby eats better lying down.

Then we took her for her 2 month appt and found she'd dropped in percentile in weight. Then, I started tracking her oz a day again and only bottle feeding and LO and behold--- he was right!!! She was eating far less (and not enough for her age and size) when I did paced feelings. It she was eating just enough (on the low end of normal, so not overheating) laying down to eat, and she was less fussy.

So in spite of all the research and experts bing in my side...when it came to our unique LO--- he was right! And now I let him feed her any way he wants, so long as she eats! (Seriously, she had some days where she only had 17 oz all day and a low point where she only took in only 14 oz when she weighs 10 lbs, 10 oz).

So, try occasionally To meet him in the middle. You may be surprised, and he may be more willing to try your way, too.

@grizz: well, CIO at two weeks is plain crazy and I think all pediatricians would tell him that. That's a good way for a baby to not gain enough weight (besides the potential emotional effects).

But I let my LO stare at her crib mobile for 20-30 minutes while I shower, dry hair and change on a fairly regular basis because I know where she is and that she's safe. I mean,, her crib is in my room so i can see her while i get ready. She loves it and just hangs out there staring and kicking her arms and legs.

Does he go with you to Ped appointments, so you can ask these question and have him hear the answer from the "expert" and not you? For whatever reason, men often have to get information from someone other than their spouses before they will believe it (pride maybe? Who knows?).

This sounds like a really sucky situation. Counseling?

@grizz: except for the spanking part this could be me! In the end I win because I'm the one who does most of the actual parenting tasks but it can still be a struggle. My husban is convinced often that things are good for my son like crying an frustration. It really bothers me because its not like he can communicate well yet and until then I feel like its just him being lazy or strict. He is also just like your husband and seems to have this cornucopia of random knowledge about child rearing but meanwhile he ha never picked up a book or read any article I don't send him! Meanwhile I have read almost everything out there.

I suggest that you sit down with him at some point when you have time and draw up a good compromise, what worked for me was telling my husband where I was flexible and where I wasn't. CIO is unacceptable to me for example, but I am okay with 5-10 min jags of crying so long as they aren't frequent or murderous cries. I also told him I am fine with side caring the crib if he wants LO to sleep in the crib but I want to be close to him and I believe in co bedding. I hope you gust can find a system that works for you both.

@grizz: My DH is home with E for the time being, and it is tough on him because he can't (or hasn't figured out how to) soothe E quite the same way I can. It is frustrating for him and frustrating for the baby. I'm not sure what I'm doing different (other than having boobs), because DH, for the most part, carries, shushes, reads, baby wears and generally tries every trick in the book to get E to settle. I wonder if this is borne out of the same frustration?
I know my DH didn't understand until now how much work a baby truly is. Now he understands that he can't get anything done, because E wants to be held all day. Perhaps it is that sudden lack of moment to moment "freedom" that is bothering your DH? (Like, he thought he could watch the baby and still do his own thing during the day?) After the gauntlet of maternity leave, we all know it doesn't play that way, but, in all honesty, it was a revelation to my DH.

@grizz: Oh god. I was with you up until "ppd is a result of...". Hellz no. Disagreeing on parenting styles is one thing. "Blaming" PPD on yours is totally unacceptable.

@mrbee: That's actually a helpful piece of advice - DH and I have gotten into many arguments about this point; I do the research and decide what's best and update him. He hates that.

@grizz: In some ways, I kind of agree with your DH on a few things. Not on the CIO, 2 weeks is waaaaaay to early for that, but I don't see why a tiny baby can't hang out in the baby gym for 30 mins. I personally have a bit of a negative association with AP because I feel liek a lot of it is over the top, unnecessary and very much of the moment trediness so I can understand where he is coming from to an extent.

This isn't to say that your way is wrong, just that even people who have done the research and are immersed in it all the time might not view it as the best way. Perhaps you could pick a couple of battles that are really important to you and meet him in the middle? For example, maybe no CIO but it is okay if he doesn't babywear all the time.