How do you keep the father to be involved in your pregnancy?
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I feel guilty when I complain about pain from the pregnancy because he doesn't get a whole lot of info about it. How do I help him be more excited--and also more supportive?
I wish I knew how to tell him I need more support. Whenever I say something like that he says "just explain what you need and I'll do it." BUT I have no idea what to do even ask for.
Is there a way that I can both ask for support and somehow be sharing the experience with my husband?
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I think you're in a zero sum game, Pastemoo, if you don't tell him what you need. He's just not gonna get their on his own! And he'll feel like he's not helping, and you'll be frustrated that he's not helping...
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@aunt pol: But I don't KNOW what I need. And I know he feels disconnected.
Thanks, though. I do understand that I need to do something differently.
I only know general things, and those are too general for him to understand. He likes instructions that you can follow step by step. If I knew what that was, I'd tell him. -
@pastemoo: Can you try just expressing that feeling to him? Letting him know that you need something more from him, but even you aren't sure what it is might help him feel less like he's the only one that doesn't know what to do.
Then try some solution-focused thinking. What are the times you DO feel supported/happy/good like? What is different about them? What is he doing? What are you doing? You can use this to figure out what is helpful to you.
Good luck! -
@MegWag: Thanks! I have a lot difficulty explaining myself but generally we communicate well and he understands my needs when I myself understand them.
We've worked through this several times and I have to learn more about myself to explain when and what I need.
However, with pregnancy, it seems not worth it to figure out what I need because by the time I figure it out, I won't be pregnant. I feel like being pregnant--I'm someone else.
Thanks for the recommendations. -
Can he go with you to your appointments? My husband stayed involved by researching things pregnancy and baby related, coming to my apts, and making sure I was taking care of myself and feeling good. He was very protective of me, and in turn was protective of our baby. He also came with me to all of those hospital classes- even breastfeeding. Also, I signed up for those weekly emails from babycenter that tells you what's going on with your baby, so weekly we would talk about that.
Hope you figure things out so you and your husband can go through everything together!
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@artbee: He actually follow along on the app on his phone. He got transfered to police from his previous job, so he's not able to go to my appointments anymore. That was really fun in the beginning. Although... the appointments lately are just "here is your BP, your weight, your fundal height, and baby's heart rate on doppler. see you in 4 weeks."
We were supposed to have our first hospital class on Friday but they canceled on us, and we have to reschedule. We'll probably start in 4 weeks. I want to start sooner if we can. I hope you're right and that helps!
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It sounds to me like you want him to ask how you're feeling and how the appointments are going more often. Right? Try to compare it to something in his life to make it a little more tangible. Something he likes to talk about a lot and appreciates that you express an interest in. I'd also mention that not only is the pregnancy the biggest 'event' in your life right now, it's not only you who is expecting so there are things that he should start to care more about.
If he needs 'step-by-step' instructions, tell him that you'd appreciate it if he asks you how things are going at least once a day and mark your appointments down on his calendar so he knows when to ask about them.
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What if you did something together, like instituting time for a nightly walk or light yoga? It's hard for dads to be to know what we're feeling, they experience pregnancy differently than we do (obviously!!).
I found the best way to get my husband involved was to have him direct his energies to researching gear. I'd say "We need a car seat" and he would go off and research and come back with options and we would pick together.
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@looch: Yeah, I think tasks are good. "Help me pack my hospital bag" or "Install this" or "Read this section of the book" or "Research this information."
My husband has always been really into kids, and I somehow thought that meant he'd be really into pregnancy... and while he certainly cared, and took really good care of me while I was sick and crazy and whatnot, he didn't get into the way I did. He didn't obsessively read about stuff, he didn't want to feel the baby move all the time (he was kind of like "yeah, it's cool, but I've felt it before and I don't need to again")... he just didn't get it. And it pissed me off at the time, but I just don't really think it's possible for guys to understand what it's like to have this be the most pressing thing that is occurring at all times. I found that it helped to have a few girlfriends who'd recently given birth (they knew all about the stuff I was talking about and obsessing over, and didn't get bored!), and I tried to find concrete ways for DH to be involved. (birthing classes were definitely good for that... it was a specific thing that he could do!) -
@Modern Daisy: Thanks! This is very helpful. I can do this.
@looch: Oh, he hates researching, so the whole thing is up to me. I don't really understand it, but on the other side of that coin, I'm really glad he's going along with the crib I found and really want. We do go to the gym together and it rocks--when we are at spinning class, the other ladies ask me stuff, and he gets involved, and that helps. I think @Modern Daisy is right, I need to ask him to ask me "so how was baby today?"
@Lozza: Oh! INSTALL this and BUILD this--that would work.
What things need installing? We haven't actually bought anything yet, so I don't know.
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@pastemoo: Hmm. Well, there's the crib and the carseats that need building/installing, and any swings or other devices. But one fun activity might be to start picking out decor for the baby room. Looking through decals online was a fun activity that DH could participate in, and that could lead to conversations about what the baby might like, or what kind of activities you'll do in the room. We also had fun framing some photos for the room. DH put up the decals and some shelves and the photos.
Once you start getting more baby "stuff" you can also ask him to help you put that away or organize it, and it might be a good chance for him to figure out what everything is (like "here is this ingenious device for sucking boogers out of LO's nose with our mouths!"). -
@Lozza: LOL. Omg I hate boogers. I put hubby in charge of cleaning all boogers!
I think I need to suck it up and go out and buy some things, and then have him help me figure out where it goes at home. AND help me install stuff (shelves?).
Thanks! -
I thought of something else...does he have anyone that's a dad that he can talk to? We have friends that have a son exactly one year older than ours, so they go out for a beer every once in a while and I know for sure he gets pointers on how to deal with Mom on these man-dates!
For me, if I have to tell my husband to ask me something, it's not sincere. He always asks how our day was now, because I ask him and he learned. If I asked him to ask me, he'd think that's ridiculous.
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He came to all my doctors appointments. He read a book for dads. He dropped me off and picked me up every day from the train station. I had him research some gear. Men definitely seem to need specific tasks to do. Also, I had him cook me some meals. I remember throwing a fit and telling him that he needs to help me feed our baby healthy food. So he cooked a little bit - the only time in our 14 year relationship when he has cooked!!
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@Andrea: We cooked dinner together tonight. It was so nice!
thanks for the tips.
@looch: He does, and they all have 2-12 year olds (military dads), but a lot of them really don't respect their wives so he doesn't seem to take their family advice seriously. -
@pastemoo: aww, that's so sweet!
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OMG He likes shopping for baby clothes!!!
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