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that is a really tough and complicated situation so sorry you are going through this. *hugs* the only thing I can really say is that you and your SO have to establish what your wants and needs are as a family, and firmly make these things known among ALL the grandparents and relatives. So if you decide that you don't want the twins going to your mother's house, then that's just something you have decided as a family and will not do, no matter what, no negotiations and no questioning. It will be difficult for your mom (and maybe your dad and your stepmom) to accept that you are an adult making decisions for the best for your family, but eventually they have to recognize that you are the one making your decisions and you're going to stick by them no matter what.

In the end, all that matters is you and your SO and your babies. Everyone else is EXTRA. If anyone encroaches on the safety and well being of the four of you, they just can't be there. Once your babies are born you will really feel the momma instinct kick in and you won't hesitate to protect them even if it hurts your own mother or father. There will be many instances where they get hurt but in the end, they have to accept the fact that you're just doing what's best for your babies, and that's what a good mother does.

Good luck :T

Could you guys maybe try family/couples counselling together?

I've been able to work out difficult issues with people I work with in that format... it can be very very helpful!

I *really* feel for you! It sounds awful stressful and complicated and this is a time when things should be easier.

I have a kind of similar situation, but thankfully my people keep it more in check. My mom cheated on my dad and they divorced. Mom lives with the guy she cheated with, but he doesn't like me and our contact is seriously limited. My mom and he are both alcoholics, so we don't visit often, nor do they visit us often. Though for my mom, she is very sensitive to the time she spends with my sister and niece when they visit from out of town. There is a lot of jealously from my mom toward my step mom about my sister and niece. Thankfully I'm out of that most of the time.

My in laws are great, but my FIL can't get around very well. He has had health issues due to his job, including two hip replacements. I was really upset with DH when he left DS with FIL. It was only for half an hour or so, but I was so upset because FIL couldn't pick up DS if he fell and he can't carry DS while he's walking. I was really protective of DS, so I used that as my reason for not letting anyone watch him.

You and your SO need to figure out what you are comfortable with. Then you need to be firm with your mother if she is pushy. And I'd let her know how important it is to you that she is a very active part of her grandchildrens' lives, but that she needs to not talk negatively about other family members or she won't be able to be around them. It's hard, but it is best to figure out what is and isn't okay, then stick to it. These are your kids, not hers, and it is up to you to decide how to raise them.

You do not sound like an awful person at all! This sounds extremely stressful. You are right that you're parent's marriage and how/why it ended is not your problem and it is not your mother's place to try and make it so. Good for you for expressing this to her. Keep up with the counseling. It will get better eventually.

@shimmer - as far as how to bring up family counseling, you could tell her that you're seeing a counselor/therapist and would like her to come along (if you were comfortable with that). some families just flat out tell family members that they'd like them to join in, others kind of finagle them there by other means (fudging). family therapy is usually super beneficial, like mr. bee said, but just be prepared that it can get worse before it gets better. usually during family sessions things come out/are said that cause people to leave upset, but over the grand scheme of the sessions, there's usually progress. personally, I have the family members (or couple) do some type of thing before they leave to ease the tension - for instance, name something they appreciate about each other, love about each other, or do something really silly to break the ice.

and by the way - you are NOT a bad person!

ETA - it can also take time to find the right therapist for you, which can be a pain. try http://www.therapistlocator.net - of course, I'm slightly biased, but if you are going to go the route of a counselor/therapist I'd go for a licensed MFT (marriage & family therapist). they are trained differently from psychologists or social workers in that they look at situations systemically. I can talk to you more on FB if you're curious! (I have my master's in MFT).

I'm sorry luv. This sounds like such a tough situation. I don't think you sound like a terrible person at all. In fact, you sound like quite the opposite. You're conflicted because you care. But ultimately your concern is now yourself and your sons. It doesn't sound like there is much else you can do to avoid any further stress, just continue to do what you know is right for you.

@Shimmer: if you use your existing therapist, you could ask the therapist if he'd be okay with doing a family session. then you could just ask your mom to accompany you - as opposed to instigating 'new' therapy with the sole intention of mediating between everyone.

if you trust her therapist, you could call and ask her if she'd do a family session. sometimes if you aren't already familiar with the therapist, they might be more inclined to "favor" their pre-existing client, if that makes sense - but if you think he'd be partial to being neutral during session, you could try!

would your mom think that you're teaming up with the therapist 'against' her, though? I don't know your mom (obviously, lol) but some clients get SO defensive in family counseling situations.