Hellobee Boards

We have someone like this in our lives. We call her the spider, because she uses her wealth and her frail health / age to guilt everyone into her web.

I don't know that I can advise you without knowing the extent of her abuse, and how likely she might be to try to get access to your kids if you start spending time with her. I will say that I would not insert myself in the money issue--she may be old, but that is still between her and them, and trying to referee will only bring you heartache.

I don't really have much advice, just commiseration.

Nothing wrong with being compassionate, but not at the expense of your children. For me, that means I try to minimize the time they spend with my family when DH and I are not around - they're not quite tbe level of toxic you're describing, especially when you don't live with them 24/7. For you, that may mean keeping them away from your grandmother altogether.

As for the money *shrug* some money's just not worth the trouble.

I get your impulse, especially since she lives so close.

Maybe you could make some quick drop-ins. Come with a treat or something, saying I only have a few minutes before I have to go do X, but I saw this today and thought of you. Just wanted to bring it by.

Also, the older people in my family really like receiving letters (even just simple ones). So I might write, Was really busy this week, but just wanted to write to say hello. I’ve been working on X project, and Little J is enjoying dance class. Hope you’re well.

I would visit one time, on my terms.

I say this as someone who has had fraught family relationships all over the place, is a victim of physical and mental abuse, and who is very protective of my children from abuse.

I would do it one time because I personally don't want to have any regrets or grudges in my own life. I'm open to giving people a second chance and I wouldn't want to have any what-ifs or remorse if the person suddenly died.

I would try one visit in a neutral public place like a restaurant, but in a way that favors her (location, her choice of cuisine, whatever). That way, the visit has to be limited in duration, it cannot get Jerry Springer, and if you have to bail, you get in the car and leave.

You could do this one on one for the first visit, and if she behaves, try to do it a second time, under the same circumstances, with the kids, but in my case, I would probably take my whole family with me because it would allow her to see the kids (per her request) and hopefully keep her more polite. But my kids are quite young (3.5 and 22 months), so if grandma said something off the chain, they likely wouldn't realize it or remember it. I would also bring my husband because not only would he hopefully serve as a deterrent against completely rude behavior, he would be moral support to me and be an objective observer afterwards when determining if future visits should proceed. But this is all very dependent on your situation.

I would personally insist on paying for lunch. We also have some icky money things in our family and I always insist on paying our own way or paying for the whole thing myself.

@Mrs. Cereal: not to be rude but what would you be getting out of seeing her and spending time with her. She isn't likely to change or apologize so why put yourself through this?

Stay away. I understand the drive to empathy, but it's not worth it. My mother was like this and I was diagnosed in therapy with PTSD for cumulative childhood emotional abuse. Even if you can handle it now, why do that to yourself? And regular visits will lead to more urging to see your kids, etc. It's sad, but you need to protect yourself and your family now.

@Mrs. Cereal: Youre not a bad person! When you've been treated horribly like that, you can't help but think that at least an inheritance would help mitigate some of the suffering you went through--a kind of restitution. Especially when you never received any other kind of justice. That's a normal response to have. Try to be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you have been to other people.

Based on the things she did, if it were me I would not visit and would not feel bad about it. I understand that it’s easier said than done to not feel guilty, so if that’s the case, why do tonot feel the need to set up regular, recurring visits?

Sorry to be blunt, but if she dies tomorrow would you regret not spending the time or would you be unaffected? I have one grandmother I feel one way about and one I feel the other way. If you would regret not making more of an effort, can’t you just visit once and see how that goes before you lock yourself into ongoing visits?