Hellobee Boards

When you moved to VT did you tell them you were doing so because you wanted to raise your future children near them? And confirm with them that they had plans long term to stay there? If not, I don't think you have a whole lot of ground to be upset with them. Certainly to be disappointed, but not upset with them. My parents are considering moving near us to be close to me and my children, but we have lots of discussions about what we expect the future to look like so we are all on the same page from the front end.

I’m very sorry to hear this. I know it has to be very stressful. Honestly, I would be very hurt and upset about this too. I think DH should express this to his parents and if you’re close to them I don’t think it would be a problem to express your heart as well.

They know you two moves closer so they can be helpful and have a relationship with the future grandkids? I’m sad that they would just up and leave if they knew the sacrifice you and DH took to be closer....

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think right now, your feelings of loss are being projected on to your in-laws. Its not just about your ILs moving, but that your personal plans for your family and the way that you envisioned your life going isn't happening the way you wanted in the timeframe you wanted. So while everyone's life seems like its moving forward, you feel stuck. So you're feeling frustrated and hurt and want to get some of that ick off your chest and on to someone's plate. That's totally understandable, but its just not a good place from which to judge relationships or try to have constructive conversations.

DH and I do not have help from family. We also had 3 years of IF, 2 miscarriages, and they diagnosed a brain tumor shortly after my 2nd MC for which I had to have surgery. It then took a year to recover and we were advised to seek ICSI IVF because DH ended up having issues too. We literally miraculously got pregnant on our own both times and now have 2 boys.

We do not have family help day to day with our kids, and after a few weird situations, we do not really use babysitters. If our kids our sick, one of us takes the day off. But its also like the only thing we know, so we just grind it out and make the changes in our lives and careers to accommodate that. Sure, work might get annoyed, but everyone at my job knows we have zero family around and that there's nothing we can do about it.

DH's siblings have help from his parents and their ILs and its IS a totally different vibe. And sometimes I do envy that they can just dump their kids off on my ILs for the weekend or get help picking up their kids, but its just not the situation we're in. My family initially was very involved and made lots of promises and commitments when I had my first child, but then they MAJORLY let us down and we got completely hosed on childcare at a really bad time despite all the talks and negotiations ahead of time, so they aren't very involved in our lives anymore.

What I've learned is that when you don't have family, you build your network as you need it. Truly. We have some friends who after our oldest was born decided they really wanted to be involved in our kids' lives. They come over 1-2 times a month at least to hang out with us and the kids and they will sit and watch TV while our kids are asleep so we can get a date night in every now and then. They don't have kids, but they really adore our boys and if we were in a full emergency, we would definitely call them and they would definitely drop everything and go get them for us. You also befriend other families and parents who have kids similar in age and you end up running into them at the same events around town. We are also involved in our church and know that again, if push came to shove, we could call someone for help if we really needed it.

Anyways, I think its totally fair to distance yourself from your ILs for a while with an honest preface that you're struggling with your loss and also with the feelings of loss associated with a version of the future you had hoped for. I think that's vague enough and easy enough to understand. And don't host your family after the New Year if you don't want to.

What you might think about doing is envision a fresh start. Now that the constraints and limitations of having family around are gone, ask yourself is living in this town the best version of your life? Do you want to go back to Chicago? Do you want to move anywhere else? Do you want to have kids at all? Do you want to move the timeline at all? Is there anything you want to do other than have kids right now?

These are all things DH and I discussed while we were going through my brain tumor recovery. We traveled, we had all sorts of adventures and experiences, we worked on our careers and finances, and focused on being healthy.
Right before we got pregnant with our eldest, my husband was like "You know, I'm really happy with our life right now. If we never had kids and just kept living this life, I really think it would be a fine life." And I agreed. It had been a tough long road for us, but we were stronger as a couple and we were really just happy because there was no tie or family or obligation tying us to anything.

Sorry for the novel, I just really relate to how you feel right now and hope that you can process your grief in a way that is more healthy and positive and freeing. Hugs to you.

I’m really sorry that you’re disappointed and upset. My parents lived 15 minutes away from me during the five years I spent getting pregnant. When I was finally six weeks pregnant, before they knew, they announced they were selling their house and moving full time to our cottage, four hours away. It sucked and we were disappointed but they’re adults, they have to live their own life. We now see them probably once a month, they’re good about coming down if we ask them to babysit and have even dropped everything and come when the kids were sick and couldn’t go to daycare. Three hours isn’t really too far away.

I totally get what you are saying. On the flip side we are considering a move in the next few years 3 hours away and no one will be happy about it. We have a few acquaintances there but no real friends or community. Frankly we live the climate. We would be choosing to leave famiky help for the weather. Ultimately what I’ve learned is you can not make anyone do anything. Plans change. Promises are broken. I consider DH the only guarantee in life to me, and my DD until she goes off to college, everything else is a bonus.

I'm so sorry. I would feel so incredibly hurt. I agree with what @gingerbebe said about using this as an opportunity to reassess your long term plans. If you aren't happy with the thought of living there long term now that your in laws are planning on moving away, I would make sure to discuss that with your husband. It doesn't mean you need to move anytime soon, but at least creating a plan might be helpful. Is there anywhere else you'd like to go? Back to Chicago? Close to where your in laws are moving? Someplace else entirely? You could start those discussions now so that you're in the position to move when the time is right.