I'm feeling really down today about my miscarriage on Sunday. I just got an app notification on my phone that said "Your baby is 8 weeks old today!" and I almost burst into tears at my desk.
What was the hardest part of miscarriage for you? And if you had something positive that came out of the experience then PLEASE share that as well.
coconut / 8854 posts
I don't have any experience, I just wanted to say that I am soooo sorry for your loss 
nectarine / 2750 posts
Hi @mellybelly - I had a few of those unsuspecting reminders, as well. Like a reminder call from my doctor's office for my next appointment! I am so sorry, it is hard enough already without little reminders like that.
The hardest thing for me was just accepting it and adjusting back to my regular life. Everything had become about planning to be a parent.
But, when I look back now, I feel confident that everything works out in the end. I've said it before, but I know we wouldn't have bought our house (that we love) if we hadn't thought we were having a baby at the time.
If I hadn't had the miscarriage, I wouldn't have re-enrolled in grad school as a soon to be Mom. Our lives changed because of the pregnancy, whether we were able to see it as a good thing at the time or not. Time and perspective definitely help.
kiwi / 614 posts
I'm sorry for your loss! I think the hardest moment for me was when it first started happening, the dread I felt when seeing that blood was all-consuming. After that I was very distraught and not myself for weeks, I did what I could to get through it. I had lots and lots of wine in those few weeks and picked up smoking again. But then I was able to start focusing on trying again.
I think the good that came out of it is the beautiful daughter I have today. If the first baby had stuck, I wouldn't have her and I can't imagine any other baby.
Hugs to you! It will get easier with time.
coconut / 8498 posts
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. The hardest part of my miscarriage was just thinking about what could have been. And because it was my first pregnancy, constantly wondering if I would ever be able to have a baby at all. My miscarriage was the first big "event" for our marriage, and I'm very thankful for the trial in some ways. It was one more thing solidifying us, even though the circumstances were less than ideal.
cantaloupe / 6397 posts
I'm so sorry for your loss
I think the hardest part for me was acceptance. I had a hard time with that.
Something good that came from it? It brought my husband and I so much closer, and also taught me who my real friends are!
cantaloupe / 6610 posts
For me, the hardest part was that after 7 months of TTC, and having 2 back-to-back early losses, I felt so fearful that it would never pan out. That I not only had a somewhat difficult time getting pregnant, but I couldn't develop a healthy pregnancy either. I felt like it was so easy for everyone else. They got pregnant like it was no big deal, carried a healthy baby to term like it was effortless. Having a loss makes you feel like your body failed you, and you have a hard time believing that one day, it's going to come through for you and you'll have a healthy baby as well. Everyone fears losing their pregnancy, but when it happens to you, and you know that it's REAL, it makes you so pessimistic about the possibility of a healthy pregnancy.
But after those two early losses in a row, I got pregnant a third cycle in a row. And she stuck and I'm 37 weeks today. It was really hard to believe that I wouldn't lose this one too. REALLY hard. I was basically just waiting for it all to go to hell in handbasket until I got to the 2nd trimester. And then once that happened, the traumatized pessimist in me kept waiting for an abnormal test result or a bad measurement. It never happened.
It is SO HARD to have faith that it WILL happen. I did not, I will admit. This sounds really cheesy, but one thing that helped me (and was recommended to me by a friend who suffered a m/c at 9 weeks) was to read the book, The Secret, and just remember every day to list all of the things I was grateful for. When you're drowning in sadness, that's a hard thing to do, so every night when I got in bed, I was grateful to God (or to the universe if you're not religious) for all of the good in my life. Like for letting me know that I was capable of getting pregnant at all. It sounds silly, but to this day, I've changed my prayer habits permanently to be grateful for so many things that I have instead of asking for those that I don't:)
And my final piece of advice is that when you DO get pregnant with your healthy sticky baby, he/she will heal your heart. It won't be like this forever. This pregnancy has definitely healed me and made me totally whole again:) Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
The hardest part was seeing other families have successful pregnancies... and then mentally comparing where they were with where you would have been.
It was tough to see a lot of our friends who got married after us then go on to have kids well before us. It took some time to adjust to that reality, but eventually we did!
grapefruit / 4235 posts
I second all of the above. It's like you have one thing out of the blue happen to you - like the email reminder - and it feels like the hardest thing you'll go through. And then you hit something like Mother's Day, or see someone give birth to a baby around the time you were due...It's like 40 weeks of land mines after you have a miscarriage. I'm so sorry for your loss.
papaya / 10570 posts
Ugh, those email reminders! I got them, too. and couldn't bring myself to cancel them until earlier this week, when I got the 12 week one. Every Tuesday it was like I'd been stabbed right in my heart.
I think the hardest parts were:
1) Accepting it had happened. I went through the usual stages - sadness, anger - and settled comfortably into denial. I continued acting pregnant and simply waited for my body to catch up. When AF came the following month I was devastated, all over again - I mean, really devastated.
2) Going back to square 1. Wow, I can't even describe how depressing TTC was after my m/c. I'd gone through it and come out the other side - I sure as heck didn't want to do it again. But if I wanted a baby, I had to get back on the horse.
3) I feel like I've been robbed of BFP joy. I was - and still am - terrified that my body doesn't know how to be pregnant and this will happen to me over and over. I know, statistically, that's not the case but it's so hard to believe I'll ever carry a baby to term. Other couples when they see those two lines, they celebrate. We take a deep breath and know we've passed the first hurdle, now onto the next...
But good did come from the experience:
1) I know we CAN conceive. I don't have to worry about my eggs or DH's sperm count any more. We did it! We got pregnant! Miscarriages are so, so common (I know that's no comfort) - they very rarely denote a physical fertility problem. So I looked back on the experience as proof that we can and will have a baby....
2) I became a better, more understanding person. I've learned from the experience. I have felt this struggle firsthand and can now comfort others who go through it. I'm less insensitive to others when I share my good news - because I know what it's like when other people are all like "It was a happy accident, giggle!"" and "I only have to stand next to my husband to get pregnant!". This is the thing that truly gets me through, to think that maybe I needed to go through this to really understand.....
I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I'm here any time you need to talk. xxx
cantaloupe / 6610 posts
@Cherrybee: Your #3 was the story of my & DH's life. It was like "Okay. We're pregnant again. Now we have to wait and see what happens..." And that is terrifying and unfair.
cantaloupe / 6800 posts
The hardest part was the fear of weather or not this would be the norm for us, if we would be a couple that takes forever to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Now that it's over , it is incredibly hard to see other people IRL get pregnant. Especially since most of them are unwanted pregnancies, I'm having a really tough time pushing my jealously aside to be happy for these people. I even told DH "maybe we should sell the house, move back in wit our parents and quit our jobs, that seems to be the best way to get pregnant!" I still haven't changed my email notifications, either.
This new, the only thing that's positive out of it so far is that I dont have to have a May/June baby. Now I have a chance for an October/November baby which is the best season in my eyes!
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
The fact that at 12 weeks, everybody knew we were expecting. The awkwardness of the aftermath was the worst. I miscarried publicly in a restaurant while my husband was hours away for military training, while groups of people watched. Thankfully there was a doctor at a nearby table who called an ambulance for me. I think the experience of what happened was worse than anything else. I just wished over and over that I was at home and that I hadn't been out in public. Then when it happened a second time, I was really hit by, "holy shit what's wrong with me?!" Because that shit's not normal. And it wasn't. There WAS something wrong with me. So, silver lining...I know what's wrong with me. And it's treatable.
There is always some good to come out of every negative situation, unfortunately. At least, that is how I feel. It has made me a very good, understanding friend when MY friends go through this. And I have always been one to realize that while it sucked, it wasn't meant to be and I didn't want an unhealthy baby, so I sort of found peace with that. I felt that when it did happen for us, the baby would be healthy and we would be EXTRA grateful. And I really do think that's the case. Tragic things happen to everyone. Maybe this is my tragedy, ya know? Maybe my children won't die young or come down with cancer. I really tried to keep perspective. But that's how I deal with things.
Another downside is that I still have moments of...expecting this one to not work out? i was reading an article about how common this is for women who have infertility. That they don't really believe everything is OK until they give birth. I am really JUST NOW accepting that I'm pregnant and probably staying pregnant! I feel so cynical typically 
The planning doesn't start at < 12 weeks for me. The planning starts much, much later. I really can't enjoy my first trimester; I'm too worried about taking my meds and the like.
grapefruit / 4079 posts
@princessbaby expressed my feelings perfectly.
The hardest part for me is that in a little over a month I will be at my due date and I will not be pregnant. My 3 biggest fears have come true. I miscarried, I'm struggling getting pregnant again, and I won't be pregnant on my due date. Oh and my cycles are still a horrible mess. I feel that lately I am more of a mess than I was when it first happened because I thought it was so easy to get pregnant, it'll happen again in no time. I would have bet anything that I'd be pregnant right now. And well I'm not and I'm on CD 45 after a 27 day cycle last cycle with blood BFN and urine.
@blackbird: I love you saying, "Tragic things happen to everyone. Maybe this is my tragedy, ya know? Maybe my children won't die young or come down with cancer. I really tried to keep perspective. But that's how I deal with things." I never ever thought of that. Friends of ours lost their child at 3 and thought I'd rather be in my shoes any day. But your words summed it up so much better.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@mrbee: I agree.
The hardest part was having SO many friends around us getting pregnant and missing our baby we would never meet. The grief was overwhelming at times, but with time, it did get better.
Another thing that was hard was things people would say to try to make me feel better. Sometimes people just say a lot of things that should never come out of their mouth! Oftentimes it's well-intended but sometimes saying nothing or a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss" is best. One thing people said a lot was, "You'll get pregnant again!" or "It's so common." I felt like this really minimized the intense loss I felt.
Some positive things?
Going through this really brought my DH and I closer together. I think pain has a way of doing that sometimes. Sometimes the people who feel it the most are the only ones who can understand, and we really had to lean on each other during that time.
I think pain also has a way of connecting people...you have a different lens/perspective on how you see things after experiencing something like this. You deeply feel for people who have experienced this kind of loss, and you understand it. You can feel it in your bones. And your heart breaks for them. If you never experienced a miscarriage, you might feel sad when a friend goes through it, but it's different.
I am so sorry for your loss.
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
I agree with some of the girls who said the hardest part for me was worrying that I would never be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Because miscarriages are so common doctors won't do any testing (and probably wouldn't find anything anyway) to figure out why the pregnancy didn't stick. So for me knowing that something went wrong but not having and real answers was very very difficult. We were very lucky and got pregnant on our first try (second cycle) post miscarriage and I'll be 39 weeks on Sunday. I just remind myself that if I hadn't lost that baby I wouldn't have THIS baby and this must be the baby God intended for me to have.
pomelo / 5093 posts
I have not experienced this hell, but I want to say - thank god for this community. I'm so glad it exists so that we don't all have to feel like we're the only ones struggling or suffering with difficult things.
nectarine / 2019 posts
I had a lot of miscarriages. At this point it's hardest for me when people ask me if Jax is my first baby. I should have 5 children, but obviously telling them that would just make them feel awkward. It however reminds me of all of the loses I have had, even though it's an innocent question.
pomelo / 5073 posts
I agree with all the previous posters. I've experienced everything they said.
For me, one the hardest parts was running into people who hadn't heard. I felt like I was doing okay, hit the 'hard' milestones: original due date, events where you Thought you would have a baby, students/people asking about how I'm doing......and then I would run into someone who didn't know. They could I wasn't pregnant anymore and assume I had the baby. Then, they would ask how my baby was. I would have to explain.
Having lost our baby at 20 wks I feel like I can't relax whenever we get pregnant again. I'm going to be constantly worrying something is wrong. We hit all the 'milestones' you should to get out of the 'scary miscarriage time' and it still happened. It's hard not having any control over what can happen. It's frustrating to be right back where you started and everyone else is having babies left and right. People are asking if we are still trying. It's just hard having so many unanswered questions.
But, I do know there is joy to come. I just have to have faith and trust. It's hard. But, I know the end result will be worth it.
pomelo / 5073 posts
My positive is that I wouldn't have been able to start in my own classroom this year. I moved to 6th grade and it has been so wonderful. I'm having the best school/work year ever. I wouldn't have had that if we had our baby. It would have been great to have our baby, but if I have to find a positive in my loss, that could be it.
I said it on a previous post, but I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not an experience you want to have, but it's one that shapes the rest of your life. My husband and I are closer than ever. I didn't think I could love him any more than I already do, but seeing how he helped me and was so strong just magnified my love for him.
Since our loss was so late, they let us take pictures and spend some time holding our daughter. Seeing my husband holding her and trying to see if she looked like me or him was heartbreaking but it was also rewarding because I know he will be the best father when we have our take home baby. I was being strong for him when we were doing that and takig some pictures because that's what he needed to do to bond with her and find some closure for him. It will open your eyes to a whole new side of your relationship and while I don't like why we experienced it, I'm glad we it made us even closer than before.
persimmon / 1161 posts
I had a hard time with what would have been my due date.
The only good thing was conceiving again and giving birth to my baby boy 10 months to the day after the miscarriage.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
For me, the hardest part was dealing with reminders and having to tell people after the fact that we weren't pregnant anymore. I had some friends ask me how the pregnancy was going a few months after the miscarriage. It was a very difficult reminder.
Some friends of our had fertility issues and told us that at least we knew we could get pregnant, whereas they didn't even have that consolation. I agreed with them about that.
For me, the one good thing that came out of the M/C experience was that I was able to relate so much better to other women who were dealing with something similar. There have been so many women who needed a shoulder to cry on that I was able to provide. Plus, it made everything about this pregnancy so much sweeter! Once we passed our miscarriage point with this pregnancy, everything else felt so much easier!
Oh, and the friends who had fertility issues are expecting a child in April!
papaya / 10570 posts
@MaisyMay: That's great news about your friends! It's also a real comfort to me to hear you say that everything felt sweeter in your current pregnancy, post 1st Tri - I'm actually looking forward to nausea because I didn't get there last time (I'm sure I wont be saying that after weeks of vomiting!) but the worry overpowers the joy at this stage. It's good to hear that doesn't have to last!
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
@Cherrybee: Morning sickness was a huge reassurance to me. Like you, I didn't get it last time, so when my stomach started rolling around, it made me feel a lot better. I did have a freak-out when right around the same time we had our MC, I lost my symptoms, but a quick dr appt and they found that I had a low hormone that we were able to treat, and all was well. I've also found that I don't complain about pregnancy stuff as much. There are times when I am really uncomfortable or hurting, but at least I'm pregnant and will have a LO here soon.
honeydew / 7909 posts
@mellybelly: I'm so sorry for your loss!!!!!
The hardest part about our miscarriage was never getting the chance to meet our baby... having our dreams and plans for this baby ripped away from us. The second we see "pregnant" or those two lines, we start planning our future with our baby... what will he/she look like... will he/she have my eyes or DH's laid back personality? How will we paint the nursery? What will we name him/her? OMG WE'RE GOING TO BE PARENTS! All of these things go through our minds in a matter of seconds. And then before you know it, it's gone. We officially miscarried at 7 weeks and for a week and a half prior to it being "official" I spent in in limbo, wondering when and if it was going to happen. I left work early on days I just couldn't handle the unknown (I worked in OB). All I did was cry. Everything reminded me I was losing our baby. I still wonder what could have been. BUT this has made me realize I'm human and cannot take anything for granted EVER. It has brought DH and I much closer. It made us realize how badly we want to start a family. And it made me realize how common a m/c is and how painful it is to lose your baby, even if it was at 7weeks.
grapefruit / 4079 posts
@jennimac: I have to agree, this is by far the best teaching year I have had. A lot of changes are happening in our district and sometimes I think about how hard it would have been to miss 8 weeks of that. If I'm going to have a GREAT group of kids I don't want to miss any of it!
For us, DH and I are much closer. I think having it and then having it taken away made he want a baby way more than he did previously. I've always been nutty about wanting one
pomelo / 5073 posts
@ladybee: I think for my husband, wanting a baby was sort of a far off idea, like it was taking some getting used to. But when it's ripped away from you, you realize how much you really wanted it and how real it already was. You just don't think you will be the one it happens to.
honeydew / 7909 posts
I came across this blog today (from pinterest, nonetheless) and thought I'd share this woman's m/c experience.
http://myblessedlife.net/2009/07/remembering-my-angel-baby.html
honeydew / 7667 posts
Agreed with most of the above - for me it is hardest to think about where I would be. (i.e. 30 weeks preggers, etc.).
I'm sorry for your loss. It sucks but it does slowly get better.
apple seed / 3 posts
The hardest part to me was the what could have been and the second guessing myself. I am horrible on the latter- I think over and over " should I have not done this? Should I have not eaten that"? etc. It's tough, I don't think there is any easy part about it. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
grape / 76 posts
I just really appreciate all the support and the community that is comprised of all you lovely ladies (and gentlemen!) who are willing to share your stories - both the good and the bad. It has been so helpful to have your input and know that I am not alone.
I can definitely relate to a lot of what has been said. I now can mostly hold myself together emotionally, but I surprise myself by random bursting-into-tears moments that I just can't see coming.
I know this community has a wide range of religious beliefs, but something that has brought me great comfort over the past week is picturing my little one in heaven, being held in the arms of God and passed around by all the angels. He is in a better place where there is no suffering, pain, sadness, etc. I miss him everyday but I hope to meet him someday in heaven!
grape / 76 posts
Also, I feel like I've somehow been ushered into a secret "club" of women who have been through this. It feels like no one outside of this club even knows it exists. I don't know if I'm describing this very well, but does anyone else feel the same way?
It's not a club I would ever have hoped to find myself joining, but now that I've had a miscarriage, I don't know what I would do without it.
cantaloupe / 6800 posts
@Mrs Checkers: One thing people said a lot was, "You'll get pregnant again!" or "It's so common." I felt like this really minimized the intense loss I felt.
Very well said, I haven't been able to put into words why that upsets me, so thank you!
cantaloupe / 6397 posts
@mellybelly: I felt the same way. It's almost like a sisterhood. It's nice, there's so much support out there bc so many people have gone through it. I'm all teary now just thinking about how instrumental that is during my "recovery".
papaya / 10570 posts
@mellybelly: I was amazed when I had mine how many people said that it had happened to them - but had never mentioned it previously.
I love the image of your baby in heaven - I picture mine a bit older, maybe 7 or 8, racing about, the whole of heaven his playground.
pomegranate / 3890 posts
the hardest part was dealing with the anger and sadness after losing the baby. knowing how many weeks i *should* of been pregnant and seeing other ppl around us having children. also when i got pregnant again, i suffered from crippling anxiety and PTSD and it was really hard to make it through the pregnancy.
the best part: this will sound weird to some but i lost my mom very suddendly about three months after my misscariage and knowing that her and my lo are together in heaven comforts me. my mom lived for her kids and grandkids so it only made sense that she have one in heaven with her. also my son, if i didnt lose my first baby i would never of had my Pierson, and i cant imagine not having him. he is everything to me.
honeydew / 7909 posts
@Cherrybee: I always picture my grandma rocking our angel in heaven. She loved rocking all of her grandbabies so it only makes sense they are together. :))
grape / 76 posts
@Cherrybee: Yes. It's like people come out of the woodwork all of a sudden to support you and tell you they've been through it too.
@stargal: I love that image of your mom and baby together in heaven. I'm so sorry for your losses but so glad to think of them together!
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