-
@runsyellowlites: Thank you so much for that.
That's exactly what I was telling her, just because your life is messed up right now, doesn't mean it always has to be that way.
-
I didn't read through any of the other comments, but my immediate reaction is: It's not your decision, it's hers. Let her make her own decision, and stay out of it.
-
@runsyellowlites: beautifully (and lovingly) said.
-
My friend went through an abortion about 3 years ago. She made the decision, and as her friend I supported her through it all. I went with her to the abortion clinic and was there anytime she needed someone to talk to. It's not an easy decision to make, and the best thing you can do is to be supportive.
-
I have two close friends who made a decision to have an abortion.
You need to stay out of her decision. A child is a responsibility for life and each women deserves to decide wether she wants that respinsibility. You hope women decide before becoming pregnant, but sometimes life doesn't end up that way.
If you disagree with her decision, then don't support her. Stay quiet. Withold opinion and judgment.
-
@Peachtree: Right now, if you can't support her decision, then just support *her.* If you can't do that, then just leave her be unless and until you can. Continuing to pressure her and/or trying to shame her into keeping the baby will do nothing but add to her feelings of isolation and hopelessness. Her decision, regardless of the circumstances leading up to same, is hard enough as it is.
FWIW, I am pro-life for me (like other posters have said), and I have had 2 close friends go through very similar situations. My feelings about their choices leading up to the pregnancies was never discussed, and even though I would not have made the decision to abort, I supported both of my friends when they did. I wouldn't wish that decision on anyone, let alone my sister/close friend.
-
One of my best friends had an abortion in high school. Whether I agreed with her decision or not didn't matter because the situation wasn't about me. I chose to love her and support her because she's my friend, and let me tell you, it made a world of difference to her.
-
I'd be sad if it was one of my sisters. But I'd never think that telling them or implying that the baby is punishment for their choices would ever be taken well. I think that's why you're getting such heated feedback bc I don't know who would respond to that kind of logic at such an emotional time in their life, it would only be a way to push her away.
What runwithyellowlites said and you were agreeing with I think is a lot more on target. If it was someone in my family I'd talk to them about all the support we as a family could provide to help her achieve her goals while raising a child, and as a family we would provide A LOT of support. Also just being there to talk about the ins and outs and possibilities.
But ultimately it's her decision and you have to figure out what kind of relationship you want with her after she makes her decision. I'd be there for my sister even if she made a choice I didn't agree with so I'd make sure knew that as well.
-
Fortunately, never been in that situation.
@Peachtree: I am pro-life 100% and I totally understand how u feel. I do think everyone should make their own decisions and all u can do is tell her how u feel and be supportive.
What I do find very irksome is when people have to comment "wow." If someone states how they feel, why do they have to be so negative. Just give your 2 cents and move on. Why do u have to say wow to someone's opinion?
-
@Peachtree: I'm so sorry that you (and your sister!) are in this position. Either way the decision goes sounds like it will be difficult. I think that what @runsyellowlites said is right on target. I don't have any better advice than that but wanted to let you know that, being staunchly prolife myself, I sympathize with how much of a struggle finding balance in this situation is/would be.
-
@Peachtree: I don't know what I would do in this situation. I just wanted to offer you my support. Your sister is going through a really tough time right now and will need your support and your family's support no matter what she decides.
I know it has to be so hard to have her consider something that is not the same choice you would make. She's in a tough spot, I just wish the best for her and for your family. Hugs.
-
@PrincessBaby: Agree. She will torture herself and agonize over the decision for the rest of her life. So heartbreaking. It truly brings tears to my eyes to even try to imagine that kind of pain.
-
@Peachtree: Your welcome. I do have to say though that if you've stepped out of line, been harsh, or just said ANYTHING you think would demean her heart then you should apologize. Immediately!
Sometimes when we feel passionately about something it's easy to push someone we love the exact OPPOSITE direction because we speak out of pride or haughtiness... and I'm sure that's not what you want. Be the one to lift your sister up in being an amazing person regardless of her decision.
I've already cried for her and the whole situation and truly pray that she doesn't make a decision out of fear or condemnation of her "mistake" but out of the fact there IS hope in even the darkest of situations. Idk where you stand with God but if you know Him then I would HIGHLY suggest spending ALOT of time in prayer before talking to your sister... Whatever you do, do it out of a CLEAN heart that is broken for the place she's in. It's her life that is going to be affected one way or the other and you need to step with the understanding of that.
I wish I could just wrap my arms around her so bad, that's such a scary place to be! ='( Please keep us updated. If you don't mind.
-
Not meaning to sound mean, I swear: But: This is 100% her business. Sister or nt, I really don't think you have or should have any vocalized opinion.
It has nothing to do with your direct life.It may make your relationship weird because you don't agree, but hopefully you guys can later work that out peacefully. Right now? Leave her alone. Decision is already sooo tough & personal!
-
@RunsYellowLites: (((Hugs))) for your most recent post of awesomeness and compassion. Compassion seems to be in too short of supply these days.
-
One of my best friends in HS had an abortion. Although I was persuading her to keep the baby, it was ultimately her decision to make. She had a very hard time dealing with it afterwards.
-
My incredibly immature and irresponsible sister had an unplanned pregnancy. My parents basically forced her to marry the father and have the baby. They too thought this would be "good for her" and would force her to step up to the plate and be a good mother. She is the worst parent I know personally. She never changed and her child suffers tremendously because of it. She's a child raising a child, and it's a terrible situation for everyone.
To use a baby as a tool to attempt to mature your sister is a horrible idea.
-
@allison: I completely agree with what you've said!
-
I didnt read any other comments. Her body, her choice! Abortion isn't a "quick fix". I know women who said it was the hardest thing they ever did.
-
@allison: yes!
-
As someone who has personally had an abortion it's her body her choice and it is most certainly NOT a "quick fix". You need to support her in her decision and if you can't do that then keep your opinion to yourself. I am pro choice for "my" life and I am fine with you being pro life for "your" life. Her life her choice.
-
I've never personally been asked to support a friend/family member with their decision on abortion.
That being said, I have been in a situation with my sister making a life changing decision that I didn't agree with. I voiced my opinion and we didn't speak for about two years as a result. I do not regret voicing my opinion. I sometimes feel somber for losing two years of each other's lives. We are at a better place now as siblings.
I think it's OKAY to voice your opinion to your sister. But at the same time I think you should offer your sister solutions. For example, instead of abortion have you considered adoption? Would you like me to help you explore those options? If putting effort into helping her understand her alternatives is more than you are willing to give, then you need to step back and choose how supportive you want to be in the rest of the process.
-
I am pro life. I know with my baby I felt he was real and alive from the moment I found out he was there. But I also realized how hard it all is and how personal of an ordeal it is.
I don't think it's fair to say you should stay out of it. If you want to argue the government or protestors on the street should stay out of it, sure. But it's not out of line for a sister. Granted, if she isn't asking for your advice, she probably isn't listening either.
I'm pro life because I believe a child has the right to a shot at life, regardless of the circumstances they are born into. Treating pregnancy like a punishment takes the focus away from the issue.
You could encourage her to look into adoption if she is open to it. That is also a commitment and a hard emotional process. There isn't any easy way out for her at this point. You don't have to condone her actions to love and support her.
-
@runsyellowlites: Thank you for responding with such compassion and understanding. I wish I could put my thoughts into words as wisely as you do.
I am personally pro-life, and I think it's valid that you voice your opinions to your sister. I wouldn't try to persuade her, but at least let her know there are other ways about this.
-
@yoursilverlining: +1, well said. I also hate that idea of going through a pregnancy to "own up to mistakes." This basically turns a baby into a punishment, which isn't healthy for the prospective child or mother. Why in the world would you want someone to give birth to a child they consider a burden? That's not exactly setting the child up for a good life.
I have to agree with others who have said it is her body and the decision is frankly none of your business. Just the phrase "I am pressuring her to keep the baby" makes me cringe. I think you should focus on the fact that you said, "I do not believe in abortion at all." Right, YOU do not believe in it, so you don't have to get one. This is her decision and needs to be made based on her beliefs.
-
That is a truely horrible situation to be in (for both of you). I've never been in your shoes, but I feel for you. If it was my sister, I don't think I could look at her the same way again. Thing is you can't tie her down and make her have a baby. And talking about it would only help so much. I'm reminded of when my sister was going to marry someone horrible. My family talked until they were blue in the face. It did nothing but drive my sister away. You've said what you had to say and she heard you (even if you don't think so). You might have to accept that you did your best and leave it alone. Good luck.
-
@MsLipGloss: I totally disagree with this, and you'll find that many women do. Many women choose abortion, and while none are happy about it, many don't feel a life time of sadness and regret. Many are not tortured by it. Abortion can be something that women experience, process, and move on from.
Here is a link to a forum of women who had abortions and are glad for is. Their experiences belie the false notion that women who have them are always filled with regret and sadness.
-
Please don't pressure your sister, your relationship will suffer hugely if you do. She already knows how you feel about abortion, it is time to make this about her, not about how you feel. Be a sister to her, she needs you.
-
@sarac: I agree. I do not feel any regret about my decision.
-
@SaraC @MrsB: I am truly glad to know this! I had just imagined that if the OP's sister felt at all conflicted (due to outside influences) about her decision, that she may never be at peace with it. No regret to me signals that it was/is absolutely the right decision.
-
I know someone who had an abortion. She had just started dating her bf and he was going into the Marines. We had all just graduated high school. It was all too scary and uncertain.
I am pro choice. Even though I am of the mind that the second the sperm meets the eggs it is a life. NOT my body. And we never know the whole circumstance. How can you tell the victim of rape or incest that they have to keep the product of something like that? Will they ever be able to look at that child and not be reminded?
We don't know everyone's story.
Oh geez, I should have read the post! I I we're in your goes I would 100% feel the same way you do. But I don't know if I would pressure her or not to keep the baby? I feel she should but at the end of the day it is her body and her child. What does the bf have to say? Has any family members offer to help with the baby?
-
@MsLipGloss: I'm glad you checked it out. It's a really common misconception - one that has been perpetuated by the fringe of the prolife movement to try to convince women not to exercise their right to choose abortion. I don't think that anyone choose it casually, but for many woman, it is a positive outcome to a terrible situation.
I have a family member who had an abortion due to incest. She would never tell you that she regretted it. Never.
-
@Mrs.B: Thank you. This is everything I wanted to say but wasn't brave enough to.
-
Since when did adoption become an alternative for a woman who does not want to be pregnant?
Keeping a baby or giving it up for adoption is not a solution for an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. Before you get to baby, you go through pregnancy.
Also, one friend who I am still close with definitely is not living with regret. She is happily married and career focused. She and her hubby have decided not to expand their family. She does not want to be a mom, yet anyway. I applaud her for being true to herself now and then.
-
So I didn't read everyone's responses, so I may just be white noise here.
I am 100% pro-life for me and for everyone else. I don't think there is anything will persuade me to believe that it's okay to kill a person. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to try to talk her out of an abortion. After all, there are two people's lives in question, not just hers. You can support her and not support an abortion. If its truly not in the best interest of your sister and the child for her to parent, encourage her to speak to counselors about adoption.
-
This is your sister's decision and everyone else needs to stay out of it. Trying to convince her to do one thing or another is completely unfair as it is a decision that affects your sister and no one else. Sure people may think they have a say as they'll 'help her out' but it's not their potential child, nor would it be their pregnancy, so the decision lies solely with her. She will live with the consequences of whatever choice she makes and that's enough of a burden to bear without feeling the judgment of family members for the rest of her life.
Frankly OP, I'm a bit shocked that you think the child is an appropriate punishment for your sister's perceived mistake (what was the mistake? Did she not use BC? If she did and it failed, I can't see what the mistake was unless you consider premarital sex a mistake). A child deserves better than to be a punishment for someone's mistake. As a child protection social worker, I have seen time and time and time again what happens when unwanted children are brought into this world. Sure there may be the odd happy story where it turns out to be a blessing in disguise, but more often than not, an irresponsible person who brings an unplanned baby into the world, turns into an irresponsible parent who can't adequately care for their child and then it's the child that suffers. How is that fair?
Ultimately, this is your sister's choice and I hope at she gets the space she needs to think through this decision before making the best choice for her, regardless of everyone else's input. Good luck to her.
-
@sarac: I totally agree with this. I know multiple women who had the procedure and they have no regrets.
One of them went on to have 4 beautiful children, 10 years after her procedure. Those were the babies that she was meant to have. Another never wanted children and is still childfree to this day. She would not have made a good mother. The other is one of the most successful women that I know and that’s entirely because she had the time to devote to a decade of additional schooling to further her career. Every single one of these women are either close relatives or close friends. I know them inside and out and I know for a fact that they made the absolute best decision for themselves and their family. I actually spoke with one of them not too long ago about her choice and she said that it was tough at the time but now, it’s just a distant memory that she almost never even thinks about.
I’m sure abortion will have a different affect on everyone but to say that any woman who chooses it is signing themselves up for a life of guilt and heartache is just not true.
@MRS. LEMON-LIME: I'm with ya.
Adoption is always the go-to in these cases but that is anything but easy. She still has to experience the trials and tribulations of pregnancy. She still has to risk her health to carry a baby that she doesn't want. She still has to go through the hell that is childbirth just to hand it over to someone else. I think that adoption is a beautiful thing if that's something that a woman chooses to do but it shouldn't be pitched as an alternative. I'm sure that most women who find themselves in this situation weigh all options.
-
Just a observation (not necessarily advice to the OP) that is so interesting, and encouraging, to me that while the majority of Hellobee would personally never choose abortion, they also believe that it is a personal choice for a woman to make. I hate to preach, but even if you are personally pro-life, if you believe it is a woman's own choice to make, then that is the definition of pro-choice! Pro-choice is not a dirty word, and it is NOT pro-abortion! Just something to think about, especially when you are voting.
Off my soapbox now!
-
@daniellemybelle: mhmm. I call it anti-choice vs. pro-choice. When it comes to the legality of abortion if you take away choice, access, and make it illegal then you open yourself to unsafe abortions that could harm, injure, mame, kill the woman.
-
Hey guys - I'd like to keep this post focused on the OP's original issue, and off the general topic of pro-life/choice if possible.
If you'd like to open a new thread on that, that's fine - let's just keep this thread focused though.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
137 comments