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@daniellemybelle: I know right? And yet so judgemental of me for pushing my opinions on my sister.
She is the one who came to me and asked for my advice. She said "what should I do" and I told her my opinions and what I think she should do. I also told her I know the choice is ultimately up to you. But I could not live with myself if I didn't push pro-life on her, and I wanted her to know that I will support her pregnancy, when everyone else is so quick to tell her to abort it.
Also I just want to add that I don't think having the baby should be her punishment, I never meant in in that way.
Also for the people telling me to just stay out of it, and its none of my business. this is my sister, we are super close. She came to me! What kind of sister would I be if I said, "sorry, you're on your own, good luck!" No, I told her how I felt, and she respects that. Even though I won't support an abortion, I will support her, as others have said.
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@Peachtree: I think you clarifying the situation makes a bit of a difference in how we as outsiders can view it for opinion.
You now stating "She came to me! What kind of sister would I be if I said, "sorry, you're on your own, good luck!" No, I told her how I felt, and she respects that. Even though I won't support an abortion, I will support her"
That didn't really come across to me originally so I'm glad to hear that is your position.
Support of your sibling no matter her choice is what I believe most of us wanted to push to you. -
@Peachtree,
Oh this is such a hard situation. I had a good friend who got pregnant at 17 and chose to have the baby (in her senior year of high school!) and let someone adopt it. It was the hardest and best thing she's ever done.
I don't know that trying to convince your sister that she"s made a mistake is the best thing to do, because she knows that, and no matter what she does she will have to deal with the consequences. Adoption is a wonderful thing and there are so many families who would love to adopt her baby. Maybe you can help her understand this is a decision she can never take back.
Have you seen the 180 movie? http://www.180movie.com That might help you with coming at the situation.
I'm praying for you in dealing with this.
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@Pumpkinspice: I can see that, but I never once said I was going to write her off or I won't support her if she chooses abortion. I was asking if someone had been in a similar situation and how did you react. More specifically if you didn't agree with the choice.
And when I said "What would you tell the sister to persuade her to not have an abortion?"
I guess I just assumed more people were pro-life and was looking for some other positive advice, other perspectives I could tell her and reasons why she should keep the baby.
Boy, was I wrong!
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@Peachtree,
So this is going to sound crazy, but my husband and I believe so strongly in the sanctity of life that we've always said that we would adopt a baby from someone if that's what it took to keep the baby from being killed. So, seriously, I know it sounds crazy, but we would adopt your sister's baby if it meant she wouldn't have an abortion. We have a baby already who is almost 5 months old, we're happily married, I'm a SAHM and my husband has a good job with lots of time to spend with the family. I'm not even kidding that this is a real offer. You can email me at kstr198@gmail.com.
I'll be checking in to see if you have updates!
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@Peachtree: I am a therapist at a residential facility for pregnant and parenting young women. Although I do not have personal relationships with my clients, I do have close relationships with them as I work in the building they live in for up to a year, and see them on a daily basis (nothing like your relationship with your sister, obviously, but close in a different way).
I disagree with many of their choices to have children on a daily basis. For a variety of reasons, including unsafe relationships, substance use, homelessness, poverty, or just general irresponsibility or adolescence, very few of my clients are prepared in any way to have a child. Most of their children end up repeating cycles of trauma and poverty that they themselves have experienced- a big part of this is owed to a broken system, but could be avoided (in my opinion) if women were more supported in making the difficult decision to abort unwanted pregnancies.
That said, I would never tell anyone that I don't agree with their choices to raise their children. I am pro-choice, but would never encourage someone to have an abortion because it is, as many have stated, a personal choice. I would, however, continue to support the person and help them work through their thinking on the matter.Again, I know its not a great comparison because your relationship with your sister, and my relationships with my clients are so different- but you were asking about how to handle a situation in which someone comes to you asking for advice/input on a decision you don't agree with.
I hope you are able to find a way to support your sister regardless of her choice (and it sounds like you are looking for ways to do that). Simply asking her to explore her choice more, either either with you or a more neutral part (like an options counselor or therapist), and asking her to think about what she wants from her life. Ultimately your message should be: "I don't believe that women should be able to choose abortions, but acknowledge that it is your right to do so. I will love you and care for you no matter what choice you make. This is an incredibly difficult decision and I'm sorry you are in such a hard position." -
I just read that and I really do realize how crazy it sounds. But I have made this offer to someone else before, before we even had kids. I feel even more strongly about it now that I've had a baby.
There are so many people out there who would adopt the baby and give it a wonderful home. That's fine if you don't want to email that weirdo on the internet
who offered to take your sister's baby but please help her look into adoption. Maybe show her some blog posts by people who have been through the adoption journey (from the family's side) and show her how much they would want to love her little baby.
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@kstr: Unfortunately, I don't even think she is considering adoption. I will definitely talk more to her about it.
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I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation. I apologize if you've already done so, but have you offered to just let her talk? She might desperately need someone to just talk and vent to without feeling judged or hearing advice, even if she does not realize this.
As a therapist myself, I find that often times during family therapy sessions family members seek advice, approval etc from other family members in the room - but the most progress happens when the individual just "talks" and is heard by others. There's a difference between listening and hearing.
Again, I don't mean any of that to sound insulting, it's hard to convey tone on the internet!
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@Peachtree: At what point will you accept her choice? Yes she asked what should she do, but clearly she is not substituting your judgment for her own. I think your sister is being courageous for discussing her pregnancy and her plans to end the pregnancy with you and the rest of the family. When I say stay out of it, its not coming from a place of abandonment or not caring about her. Now that you know what she wants to do, you need to stop advocating and start accepting her decision.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: thank you for articulating what I was trying to say.
@peachtree: I in no way meant to abandon your sister and tell her you don't want to help her in such a trying time. When I said stay out of it, I meant keep your opinions out of it. Fair enough to express your views once, but after that, your role is to listen and support, not persuade or judge. That is all I meant. I think you are in a hard position - trying to support someone who is doing something you feel so strongly against must be difficult; however, it is her legal right to not continue with the pregnancy and you must respect that and her ability to make decisions for herself, even if you don't like them.
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I believe in the right of a woman to choose, but I also wish less women would exercise that right and choose adoption more often.
With that said, I think what you need to do is help your sister find the right decision for her, not try to get her to agree with your viewpoint. Which decision can she live with for the rest of her life? Aborting? Giving the child away? Or raising a child that she has no means of supporting?
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My BIL has had two girlfriends who got abortions, and knowing how much I love my nephew, it breaks my heart.
I am adopted, so I would suggest adoption to her. Something good can come of her careless decisions. My birthmother was 16 and I admire her so much for choosing life for me and allowing my parents to fill their dream of having a child. They have been the BEST parents in the world and I am so lucky, and it's all because my birthmother gave me a chance.
Sorry if you responded already re: adoption but I commented without reading all replies! I am ALWAYS available if she wanted to talk to someone adopted to hear how much it changed my entire family's life. I am so, so luck!
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I have not personally known anyone who considered abortion.
If it's any consolation, OP, I agree with you.
Abortion is a sticky subject where people have strong opinions.
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This comment has been deleted by the original poster.
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@Peachtree: I'm 100% prolife and I would feel as a Christian it is my job to encourage your sister to keep the baby... I value life. My mom had me when she was 18 and not married. Had she even considered having an abortion I wouldn't be here today. I am also the only child she every had even though she wanted more once she got older. I was a huge blessing to my mom and she is a huge blessing to me.
We all have our own opinions and I respect everyone's on here but this is mine. Give her as much information as you can. As a sister you want her to make the right choice... whichever choice she decides is right.
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There's a lot I'd like to say, but I'm going to stick to just the OP's questions, since that's what this thread is for, right?
1. have you ever dealt with a situation similar? Yes, someone close to me asked me what to do in a similar situation.
2. What would you tell the sister to persuade her to not have an abortion? Or should I just stay out of it, her body her choice?
I told her no matter what she does, it will be a very difficult decision, that I'd be there every step of the way, no matter what. And when she asked, "What should I do? What would you do?" I outright refused to answer. I told her I did not want my opinion to sway her one way or the other. That if it did, she may regret it later, and feel as though she didn't listen to herself and do what her heart told her was right *for her*. And that the most important thing was that her decision was 100% her choice. No one else's.
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@Peachtree: I have been thinking about your post all night and I am praying for your sister and for you. I am saddened by the advice above that you should stay out of this. I do not think that is correct. She is your sister and she came to you for help. I think you should be compassionate toward her, but that doesn't mean you have to check your own moral compass at the door.
I would encourage her to consider adoption. I know that is not 'easy' but difficult situations rarely have easy solutions. If she's willing, I stand with @kstr: and her 'crazy' proposal: our family would welcome her baby with open arms and do whatever we can to make her pregnancy an easy one. If your sister might be open to this, please reply and I'll figure out how best to get my contact info to you.
Alternatively, I would suggest that she look into adoption agencies. Perhaps you could so some of the legwork for her by finding their phone numbers? You might even call and see if you can find a counselor there who you think might connect well with your sister.
I wish you the best of luck!
who offered to take your sister's baby but please help her look into adoption. Maybe show her some blog posts by people who have been through the adoption journey (from the family's side) and show her how much they would want to love her little baby.
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