Hellobee Boards

I agree with you, I think that if they’re upset it’s not our job to tell them they’re fine or it’s not a big deal. If I stubbed my toe and it hurt and somebody told me I was fine I’d be furious. Whether they got hurt or just scared or just need a hug, I don’t think it’s up to me to decide. In that particular instance I think I would just ignore my husband and keep doing what I’m doing, and then later mention that I don’t think it’s ok to say that.

I agree with your viewpoint on this instance; I also don't over-do soothing but I acknowledge their feelings and will cuddle if that's what they need.

I also agree that it's SO hard to hold back in the moment when you differ in parenting style! DH has a shorter fuse than me (ok, much shorter ) and he has really embraced a lot of what I preach/teach about respectful/gentle parenting. So I try my very best not to say anything in front the kids later and just bring it up later on. But I even don't really say too much now; I find that the best I can do is be the example and he will see how much better the girls react to how I do it vs how he does it and once in a while we'll talk about parenting specifically and I can bring up a few scenarios and talk about why this works and not that, etc.

Hmmm. We have very different parenting styles and probably always will, and every now and then it boils over into this big thing. If course, we both have some baggage that (unfairly) informs how we react to each other's actions, so we end up talking a lot about where we're coming from afterwards. It's still hard.

He's dealt with too many dicorces in the family and is all about being a team, even to the point of one parent saying nothing when the other one is mean to the kids. To me saying nothing is Evil because that's all my parents ever did. It's really hard to strike a balance there.

I agree with @Adira. Sometimes DH and I disagree on something. Like lately, I've been in charge of the morning routine because I do dropoff and I've cut TV out of it because it made it hard for DS to want to leave.

Yesterday, he got the TV turned on before he got DS out of bed and I asked him why. When he said it was for DS, I said "Oh, I've been leaving the TV off because he gets ready faster." Then he turned it off. I don't think I hurt his feelings.

We don't fight, or raise our voices around the kids. I think it is good for them to see you disagree and compromise or reach a resolution, but if you don't think you can do that in front of them, I'd save it for later. You want to model good relationships for them, only show your kids what you want them to emulate.

I agree generally with the above approach that as long as our kids are not in immediate danger (physically or emotionally) with our response, that I would wait until child is out of the room to discuss. I think my husband (because he’s a teacher and is really into childhood development best practices) takes his approach to validating our daughers’ reaction very seriously. While I certainly try to validate and not minimize emotions, I also try to keep my own responses to an injury in proportion. My older daughter gets extremely upset over fairly minor injuries. For example, she had a paper cut (did not blood and all you could see was a bit of uneven skin) but she cried for quite awhile just bc she could see the cut. My initial reaction was to acknowledge that she had a cut but I did tell her that she would be fine and that it would feel fine in just a minute. I don’t think me making a bigger deal of what it is would be helpful, although I don’t want to tell her to not cry or that she’s fine (I focus on the fact that she WILL be fine). My husband on the other hand, will be much sweeter about it with hugs and kisses on the cut and explaining how he understands that it hurts. I can see the value in that but at the same time, kids fall down a lot and (or at least mine does!) and I want to keep things moving along otherwise half our day would be dedicated to talking about owies. But my husband has called me out (in front of our daughter) on when I’ve said that she will be fine and to calm down and that has really upset me in the past bc it made me feel like he thought I lacked compassion for our daughter. I’ve explained to him my thoughts on how I feel like I can best support our kids in those type of situations and I think we’ve come to an understanding of each other’s approaches and agreeed that when possible, we should discuss our differing approaches separately from the kids.

I would say something in the moment---DH would say something to me, too. But we don't argue about it, we just discuss--is this the best approach? Or we tag team when one of us is getting frustrated and overreacting. I appreciate it when my husband (nicely) points out of I'm being overly harsh or whatever. Also, I think it's healthy for our kids to see us work stuff out--we're a pretty united front on big things, but in small stuff like the bump and the "it's fine" response--this is a special hot button issue for me because i read a lot of gentle parenting stuff that is all about validating feelings--we would work it out in front of the kids. And sometimes it's me being overly harsh--And if DH is like, "okay, let's all calm down. Mom, I'll take care of this. Why don't you go cool off", I will. I never saw my parents disagree with each other when I was growing up and I didn't know how to have productive disagreements once I was dating/married. But also, my husband is like the ultimate Gentle Parent, so he's on board with that. Neither of us is perfect and we don't mind our kids knowing that, we just want them to see us make mistakes in parenting, fix those mistakes, etc--sometimes that involves apologizing to the kids. I think it sets a good example rather than a false veneer of parents who do no wrong, you know?