He called him "step dad" « Hellobee Boards

He called him "step dad"

By runsyellowlites Jul 27, 2013

G got a new Nintendo DS and has been busy making his own village of Miis (you can make little people)... He's got himself quite a large family.... included is his half brothers, nana, and STEP dad (his bio-dad).

He first said it last night when he was hanging with DH and showing him his village.... DH was so taken a back that he didn't really say anything (he told me after G went to bed). Well now G told me the same thing...... and I didn't say anything either... I just didn't know WHAT to say!

Idk, do I correct him? Does is really matter? (he sees his bio-dad MAYBE 1x a year.... maybe). I love that G loves & trusts DH and knows him as "Dad" (he's called him "dad" since we got married 2 years ago) but for some reason this one really has me thrown for a loop that now his bio-dad is "step" dad! O_o

Thoughts?

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18 comments

stargal
pomegranate / 3890 posts

Jul 27, 2013

I would let it go, It seems that your hubby is filling the dad role quite nicely to g and maybe g is realizing that subconsciously? Honestly.if he see his bio dad.once a year I can see why he calls your hubby dad, which in think is great!!
RubyCali
apricot / 303 posts

Jul 27, 2013

What a smart and intuitive little guy! What did he call your ex before? If his bio dad isn't in his life then I think that your son calling him a "step dad" is totally okay, if not actually preferable since your DH is his real dad
runsyellowlites
coconut / 8305 posts

Jul 27, 2013

@stargal: Yea, I'm glad G's really starting to see him as the whole package! He's called him Dad since the day we got married but the change in how he referred to his bio-dad is what got me. lol

@RubyCali: He called him dad too or his first name. It's just a really bittersweet moment... I love that his relationship has grown with DH, but I think I'll always mourn for that spot with his bio-dad in his life too. Like I wonder will the last time he asks to call will be... and things like that.
spaniellove
honeydew / 7916 posts

Jul 27, 2013

Is it possible that G will repeat this when he sees his bio-dad? Do you think he really thinks this or he's just saying it? Would it be worth having a conversation with him at some point to find out what he's really thinking and gently straighten things out?

I say this only because my parents divorced when I was very young, and after my dad (who eventually had sole custody) remarried, he and my stepmom started referring to my mom as my "birth mother" and my stepmom as "mom". As I grew up, I got pretty confused about whether my stepmom had adopted me...which she hadn't at all. I would have appreciated it if someone had explained things to me.
runsyellowlites
coconut / 8305 posts

Jul 27, 2013

@spaniellove: I don't think so. He asked to call his "dad" (bio-dad) today and we've never referred to him in any other manner than "dad" to him. I do call DH "dad" but that was only after G started calling him dad & had pretty much been calling him dad the majority of the time (I really wanted G to take the lead on it).

I guess I could talk to him just to make sure he's aware of *what* a step parent is & then let him decide how he wants to refer to everyone...

We do at some point what DH to adopt G, but have decided to wait until G is a bit older & can understand more of what that means (since his bio-dad would have to relinquish his rights).
Mrs. Lemon-Lime
wonderful pea / 17279 posts

Jul 27, 2013

@runsyellowlites: Hey his bio- dad made it into the town. Just be happy about that! J/K I think a conversation would be nice to clear up household confusion. Who knows G may use step-dad just in your household so you and your husband do not get confused.
runsyellowlites
coconut / 8305 posts

Jul 27, 2013

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Lol! I'm always so amazed by G's heart... he LOVES that side of his family, even knowing what he knows (ie. his dad choosing not to come get him, etc).

I'll talk to DH tonight & we'll probably talk to G tomorrow.
Foodnerd81
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts

Jul 27, 2013

How old is G? It must be confusing for him, but it is really nice that he knows your DH is really his dad (ie the man raising him) not his biodad. So it's like he knows the deep down feelings, but he's confused about the names or titles.
daniellemybelle
cantaloupe / 6669 posts

Jul 27, 2013

As a child from a "blended family," I think one of two things could be happening here. He might just be trying to make sense of his relationship with his bio-dad and that's a term he's heard that he thinks makes sense. OR, he might be feeling like he's slighting his "real Dad" (your DH) by calling his bio-dad Dad. I know I had a lot of conflicted feelings about the concept of having two dads (stepdad and bio-dad).

Honestly, I would talk to him about it, but try to keep it as gentle and casual as possible so he doesn't feel self-conscious. Maybe next time he says that, just say something like, "Hey, I noticed you started calling your first dad stepdad. That's totally cool with me, but you know it's okay to have two Dads, if you want, right?" Or something like that?
travelingnanny
kiwi / 649 posts

Jul 28, 2013

As a child of divorce, I would casually bring it up in conversation and correct him. It doesn't have to be made into a big thing but he should know.
runsyellowlites
coconut / 8305 posts

Jul 28, 2013

@Foodnerd81: He'll be 9 next month. His dad & I have been divorced since he was 2.... Until almost 5 he still saw him regularly, started dating DH when he was 5 (wasn't until he was 6 that DH started taking any kind of leadership role in the family dynamic), married when he was almost 7 & he started calling DH dad then.
Sugar.Biscuit
nectarine / 2063 posts

Jul 28, 2013

DH grew up in a split home. For the longest time his bio mom was just that his bio mom, his step mom was always step mom till he got older. He was never really close to his bio mom even though she has custody most of the time & tried to turn DH against his step mom. Now is mom is nothing more than his bio mom & his step mom is considered his mom.

Maybe if your son feels the need to separate the two its time to explain the roles to him in formality & explain how they can mean different things emotionally. If he is old enough to separate them on his own he is old enough to understand the difference between formal & emotional use of those terms. If DH had ever call his bio mom his, bio mom or step mom, WWIII would have fallen down on them.
mrsmenow
persimmon / 1479 posts

Jul 28, 2013

I have an 11 year old, kind of in the same situation (non-involved bio -dad, who actually passed away 2 years ago, but hadn't seen her since she was 1). DH has been in our lives since she was 3.

Anywho, we have always let her call him whatever she feels comfortable. I wouldn't bring it up. He is just trying to figure out how everyone fits into place. Maybe talking to his dad made his him want to be able have both of them in his life. Calling your DH step dad in no way shape or form was a dig or making him less of a father figure in his life, just a 9 year olds way of sorting things out in his mind.
runsyellowlites
coconut / 8305 posts

Jul 28, 2013

@mrsmenow: He referred to his bio-dad as step dad. He's knows DH is his step dad.. He calls him "Dad" but has clarified in instances that call for it (ie "like I know you're my "step" dad even though I call you dad") I just next expected him to call his bio-dad that. O_o
mrsmenow
persimmon / 1479 posts

Jul 28, 2013

Oh, I see. I thought it was the other way. I think I might clarify then. I might just say "bio dad is your dad ,not step dad). And keep the focus on his bio dad and how he fits into the picture. Not necessarily "bd is your dad and DH is your step-dad". Good luck, I these situations are hard to handle.
StbHisMrs
pomegranate / 3329 posts

Jul 28, 2013

That's a hard one, I'm not sure what I would do. I'd actually be relieved if C called my husband Dad and not call his real Dad, Dad. Step-Dad was probably the easiest term to grasp.
Penny Lane
nectarine / 2163 posts

Jul 28, 2013

@runsyellowlites: when I was that age, my dad would not even have made it into my village

I would say it doesn't really matter. maybe just have a super casual chat to make sure he knows the actual definition of step dad? i would assume he's just trying to figure out a good way to differentiate between the two, if you know what I mean
cmomma17
honeydew / 7811 posts

Jul 28, 2013

@runsyellowlites: I would let him choose how to label the people in his life.

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He called him "step dad"

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