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Our LOs will likely be 3.5-4.5 years apart.
I'd really like our son to be somewhat self-sufficient, 100% able to communicate with us, and in school full-time before having a second. Knowing my son's personality and what me and my husband are able to handle as parents, a bigger age gap would be ideal!
Also, I don't think age gaps have anything to do with how siblings get along, but rather personality styles. My sisters and I are super close in age (20 months older and 20 months younger) and we pretty much hated each other growing up. It wasn't until we felt confident in ourselves as independent women (in our 20s) that we actually started to understand and respect each other. Now we are super close but it definitely has nothing to do with the age gap.
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I am so confused. it says I posted, but my post is MIA!
I also have a 13-year age gap between my younger sister and I, but we are definitely not waiting that long.
The thing that's really causing my turmoil is basically,
1) trying sooner and making the financially smarter decision to stay renting where we are, and buy AFTER #2 is older
2) buy a house before trying for #2, things will likely be much tighter financially but we will have space from ILs.
we rent the other side of ILs duplex, and there was SO.MUCH.DRAMA that still keeps me up at night (and resulted in a prescription for lexapro..) that I don't know if I can stomach it again. I know that really, that is a personal problem I hope I can overcome if I need to, though..
ugh.
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umm..okay, and there's my post. LOL. anyway..
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You've got to do whatever is right for you, don't try to rationalize any relationships based on number of years between children.
If we were going to introduce another child into our family, we'd do it when it felt right, from a financial and time perspective. Could we mantain our lifestyle as it is with adding a second child? Could we provide what we want to for both children? Do we have time to devote to another child as we did to our son?
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@looch: +1
For us, life has taught us that life is way to f-ing short to wait for 50 million what ifs if we definitely want a second. It's more important to us to be able to have a second child than to afford a family vacation every year.I don't know how to express it in words but we realized it was pointless to wait until x,y, and z perfectly aligned in the universe to have a child...to have a second, etc.
Priorities are different for everyone.
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@looch: @locavore_mama: we aren't concerned about the years, per say.. I commented above, it's more about wants vs smarts if that makes sense. living here gives me incredible anxiety but would be smarter, financially, than buying and *then* having a second. haha. I could go on and on about IL drama (I think I may have posted before). we live next door to them.
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@sorrycharlie: haha sorry. That wasn't even directed at you or this post's original question. Just a general statement about our family plan choices.
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@sorrycharlie: have you considered moving, and just renting elsewhere? I am a big believer in being happy where you are in the moment, even if that means you have to put off some plans in the future.
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@looch: we did consider buying..we're going to reevaluate in about a year (see what's on the market, etc). but ILs give us SUCH a deal (literally about 50% of current rates) that we'd end up paying more for another apartment than we would to buy. But we're on a strict budget (paying down CCs) so we would have to really scrimp, tighten and save to up a monthly payment (for a mortgage). we couldn't afford daycare for 2, so I'd be continuing to stay home. so realistically it would be smarter to stay put - we have an extra bedroom (though it's FULL because our basement is too damp to use). I just don't *want* to stay put..Lol! but I may have to shift priorities, you know?
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@sorrycharlie: to me, that 50% savings might not be worth compromising my mental health. I do not react well when people try to "bribe" me to do something with a financial benefit, because those kinds of gifts usually come with strings attached and it isn't worth it to me.
You've got to decide if it's worth it or not!
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I originally wanted a 3-4 month age gap so that Wagon Jr. would be potty trained and a lot more independent and wouldn't need us as much, and could possibly even help us with the baby..! And understand things, and be clearly out of the terrible twos (and threes).
Then, as we neared his 2nd birthday, we realized that if the gap was large, they might never attend the same school... and they would most likely not be "friends" and share the same friends. So we decided to pull the goalie right away and see what happened.
2 year 7 month age gap has been great for us! It was tough in the first few months but his sleep is great, so that helps. He is now entering that more grown-up, independent stage just in time for her terrible 2s to start, so it ended up being good timing.
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DH wanted a less than 2 year age gap, but I was not ready for that. We are now thinking a 2.5-3 year gap would be good- hopefully DD will be more independent, pre-school will be starting, and I am hoping I will be more rested and not so exhausted all the dang time! Plus we really need more time to work on us as a couple. Like @hilsy85, we also would like a spring/summer baby as I think it would be easier to not be stuck in the house all day with a toddler + newborn and be able to go on walks/park/etc.
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We talked about a 2-3 year gap. We ended up with them being 29m apart which is great.
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@sorrycharlie: our circumstances are different, but we're in a similar situation in that we aren't going to have another baby until we can move. To me, having two kids to care for is stressful enough that I don't want my living situation to add more stress! We've started budgeting to pay extra on our mortgage every month, so that moving in a few years will be feasible for us.
Just an idea, but maybe for a couple of months you could try to see how it would be to live on a budget that includes a higher rent...? Take the extra money that would go towards a higher rent and put it in a savings account (e.g. if typical rent is $1000, and you're paying $500, put the extra $500 in a savings account so that it's not being spent elsewhere). That would allow you to see how a move & higher rent would affect you financially. It would also show you the areas in your budget where you can make some sacrifices. We're broooke, so it's been tough, but we've been able to trim our budget to accommodate for extra money going out every month.
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Our first two are 22 mos apart and I love it, 4 mos in
We wanted them even closer. Financially, it isn't a big issue for us either way for these two. For #3, it would make more sense financially to aim for a 3 year age gap but I'm 35 now and am open to #4 so I think ASAP for the next two makes more sense!
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The amount of space in our new home.
Our first was a brilliant surprise but unfortunately rentals homes around here are few and far between so for the first 4 months of his life we've been raising our son in a small 2 bedroom flat with no back yard and only a tiny front yard.
Now we have purchased our first home with 3 bedrooms, a large back AND front yard, a dining room, an actual laundry, a decent sized lounge room, and adequate heating and cooling, so whenever it happens we'll just roll with it... So long as it's not another December baby. We love our December baby but Christmas season is too stressful a time to be having a newborn. We'll be aiming for spring. -
@Running Elley: my girl! That's our plan too:)
We wanted:
1&2 very close
When 1 enters kindergarten,
Then I want to get pregnant with 3&4.
So ideally (if I get pregnant in the next month or so): we would never have more than 2 at home (all day) at once.
Ideally, if also be done before I turned 30.
We want to be young parents and enjoy retirement and grand babies;) -
My sister and I were 2 years apart and I loved being so close in age. Would have loved to be even closer. Plus I want to get my pregnancy/newborn/baby/breastfeeding years over QUICKLY. I didn't expect how rough (and incredibly joyful) it would be.
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We want them ideally w a 2-3 age gap. We have the space and $. We waited to have ds after we were settled so I feel ready on paper. Emotionally I wasn't ready until recently. We'll be ttc this summer. Also want a spring or summer baby this time.
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We don't have a number, but we want them closer. We are thinking when LO is 9 months, we will start ttc. That's August!
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