So I just asked this will question which got me thinking of this. How did you decide who would get your kids in the event you and your SO died? What factors did you consider?
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I didn't even have to think about it. My sister is primary and my parents are secondary. Which are the only sets of people I trust 110%
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We made a short-term decision, with the agreement we would revisit as our needs changed (how many kids do we have?) and where our #1 choice was in their life.
We also came up with a back-up plan (Choice #2), but it depends where they are in their lives at the time!
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We wanted a family member. So we looked our siblings. DH's sister was ruled out for numerous reasons: lives in a small town where we don't want her raised, they can't afford the day to day of another child (we really want our life insurance for college, wedding, etc), and most importantly we don't agree with their parenting style. My brother and SIL, were ruled out for financial and parenting style. So that left my sister. She is single, but we both feel like she would raise R the closest to the way we would. We still need to ask her, going to this weekend.
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Our attorney suggested we make the decision based on having to decide TODAY. The will can always be amended if the situation changes.
Also, there are other circumstances that could be presented to the judge in the case of minor children not presented in your will if it is in the best interest of the child (like living with his high school best friend's parents).
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We wanted it to be someone we knew we could trust and really preferred to keep him in the family. Since I don't really know most of my cousins well, that ruled out my extended family. And Hubs' family is nuts, so that ruled them out. Then we went through my step-siblings - 1 is married w/2 kids, 1 is single, and 1 is maybe-divorced-maybe-not-we-can't-get-a-straight-answer with 5 kids. So we ruled them out. That left my sister, and Hubs' 2 brothers, 1 younger 1 older. His younger brother is your stereotypical perpetual bachelor, so we ruled him out. And his older brother is divorced but in a serious relationship and has 2 kids, 10 and 12. I love him but he's not stable. So we ruled him out. We were left with my sister - 4 years younger than me, married, just had a baby, employed, husband has a good job, great relationship, and similar parenting philosophies. Done.
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1) We wanted him to stay with family, namely DH's side.
2) My ILs would take him, but they're both busy retirees, and I know they have their own busy lives and we wouldn't want them to have to raise another child now (unless DH was an only child).
3) That narrowed it down to one of DH's brothers. Both are married and have two sons.
4) From there we looked at which couple would raise him in the same sort of environment that we would have--political/religious/moral/etc. This didn't cut either brother out, I think he'd be great either way.
5) Ultimately we chose one BIL over because of their location (much closer to my ILs, DH's aunt, and my BFF/SIL on my side), and their finances--we didn't want a third child to be a financial burden.But we haven't put it in writing yet (we should soon), and I'm not completely decided yet. If we both died E will get our significant life insurance policies, so the money issue probably isn't a huge factor.
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We just looked at our close family members and asked ourselves, "Whose life would be the least disrupted/changed if they had a few children added to the mix?" The answer was very obvious to us, so that is who we asked!
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We wanted it to be people that we felt would raise him as closely to how we would if we could. We also wanted it to be people for whom raising a child wouldn't be a huge burden (although of course we would leave money behind). We wanted a married, stable couple, with beliefs and affiliations similar to ours.
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Easy. My family, not DH's, and I have two brothers, one of whom is CBC. So the other one.
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Interesting topic. I need to discuss this with my DH ASAP. My 1st choice would be her godmother but I need to confirm with her first before we put it on paper.
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@JoJoGirl: what is CBC?
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@MsLipGloss: I think child free by choice?
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@MsLipGloss: @hilsy85: Yes.
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@hilsy85: @JoJoGirl: Ahhh . . . all I could come up with was Clearly/Clinically Batshit Crazy!
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We haven't set up a will yet but we are leaning towards my parents *right now*. As she gets older (and they get older) that choice will probably change. We have a tough decision to make.
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No LO yet but we already know it will be DH's sister. She's the most responsible of the three siblings. She's a social worker and is already saving for a baby fund to willingly be a single mom. She's amazing.
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@MsLipGloss: LOL!
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It was a no-brainer for us. My sister is an amazing mum, has two wonderful kids and has a parenting style very similar to ours. Really, any of my siblings would do a great job. We're lucky to have family members we love and trust so much.
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@MsLipGloss: Hahah! Or Canadian Broadcasting System?
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I wish we had an idea of who to choose! None of my siblings or his could take care of a kid right now. Our parents are getting older and we're not sure if they'd be a good choice, either. We kind of just stopped talking about it because we just could not come up with a good option. I wish we had a more obvious answer!
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@hilsy85:
@JoJoGirl: You know I googled it first before asking . . . it was either that or Complete Blood Count!!!
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We wanted family, DH has no siblings, I have a brother. He is financially stable, shares our spiritual/religious beliefs, and loves DS with all his
. No question as to who.
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@MsLipGloss: LOL!!!!!!!
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We wanted someone who shared our values. We wanted M to grow up in a family that champions diversity and who would raise our girls to be responsible citizens of the world. My sib aren't in a position to take on kids and his sib is just starting a family. Luckily hi cousin is also a close friend an totally "gets it" and shares M's racial makeup. So cousin is it
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This issue is a hot button topic between DH and me. He wants my BIL and his wife, but I don't.
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We would've liked to have a sibling, but all of our siblings are out. BIL has depression issues and works at a start 6+ days a week. SIL is too irresponsible, can't support herself, and goes from boyfriend to boyfriend. My brother is in a relationship with a girl I do not approve of and don't want raising my children, plus he just has no interest in parenting and wouldn't do it well. So all the siblings are out.
I would love it if my parents were younger, but they're retired and deserve a chance to enjoy that retirement. DH's parents are the same age or older, and not in the financial place to be adding a child to their lives at this point.
So that left us with close friends. I think my best friend would make an awesome dad and as a gay man, the path there isn't so easy. But he travels a ton for work and hasn't settled down in a relationship yet. Even though he's 35 he still has that young, single lifestyle. If he didn't I'd choose him, even as a single parent. He's super close to his family (who I love and have know for 20 years) and is amazing with kids.
A few months ago another close friend of mine commented that she didn't know who to leave her daughter with if something happened - all of their siblings are similarly excluded for various reasons, and their parents for the same reasons as ours. So we said we'd agree to take each other's kids if something happens. Her daughter is adorable and I could see my husband being happy to not have any other kids (besides the one cooking) if she were to join our family (we'd both really like two kids, especially a daughter). And I think my friends will be good parents to our son. And our substantial life insurance plus the inheritance from my parents (since I wouldn't be getting it) should help to make things much easier financially.
Once DS is here we'll need to do something to make it official, though.
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I'd be comfortable with either my parents or DH's middle brother and his wife. Most of DH's family lives abroad though, and I would not be comfortable with our kids being raised in that country, so if we decided on my BIL/SIL, I'd want to specify that if they decided to move away from the USA, the children would stay here with my parents. Not ideal, as it would cause additional disruption for them, but provided BIL/SIL stay where they are right now, there are so many more opportunities available for kids than where my parents live. It'll be a hard decision to ultimately make.
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We selected my SIL because she is a great mom and has two little girls close in age to our LO. But, I expect that this is a decision that we will revisit several times. For example, my SIL lives in a different state than we do, so when LO is a teenager, we may try and select a family friend who lives in our city so as to minimize disruption to our daughter's life.
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We chose DH's sister. The only sibling we really have between the two of us. We didn't want our parents because, well, they will be very very old and that's obviously a concern.
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I'm afraid to even have this conversation with Hubs because I suspect it wouldn't go well! I have no idea what we will do! Our options are: my parents, his dad and step-mom, his mom, my brother, his sister.
I'm leaning towards my parents. They raised both me and my brother and I think Hubs and I have similar parenting styles to my parents. BUT they both work full-time and aren't that well-off financially. I guess we would have to leave enough money for them to be able to afford daycares, college, etcs... how does that even work?
His dad and step-mom would probably be the least financially burdened by raising our kids. They both work full time, but are the owners of their company, so they have a lot of flexibility. Plus a decent income. But I honestly don't trust them as much.
His mom is single and doesn't have the money or the time to raise more children, so she's out.
His sister has two kids already and isn't married. I don't think financially she'd be able to handle it. Plus our parenting styles are totally different! BUT I think Hubs would pic her because she's a mom and clearly loves children.
And my brother is single and wouldn't know the first thing about raising a kid! Plus he also wouldn't be able to afford it.
UGH - this sucks!
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We started at parents and worked our way down.
DH parents are no longer with us and mine are getting older. My dad will be 60 in a couple months and I just couldnt see them with a little one again. We both agreed, as well as my parents, that it was their turn to be grandparents and not parents.
DH brother is a deadbeat who has never had a job and who will probably do nothing with his life. No thanks. My oldest brother is married to a psychotic bitch who I would never want raising my child. My other brother is CBC.
None of our cousins are suitable because none of them share the same values as us and we couldn't trust them to keep her in contact with both sides of the family.
Ultimately, it fell to my best friend. She's got a steady job, is finishing her degree, is responsible, she shares our major values and opinions, she knows my family really well and would have no issue taking C to family holidays and such, we have known her forever and we can trust her to make sure C grows up knowing who her parents were. She was really the natural choice, even though she's not blood family. Plus, C would have enough of an inheritance to cover her expenses through her teenager years, so we didn't have to worry about creating a financial burden for someone.
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DH and I are in SIL's will to take her daughter if something happens to her, even if her bf (the father) is still alive (long story...).
I think for our future LOs we would choose my parents as first choice. They are in their late 50's, but they're very active, have similar values, and live nearby, which would be good for stability. If they couldn't do it, I think we'd choose my brother and his fiance next. They're also very similar to us and definitely want kids. The only downside there is I know they plan to move across the country in the next few years, to a state where I wouldn't want my kids raised. So there's that. DH's parents are older and are already caring for his niece a lot of the time, and his siblings are all out - SIL obviously has her own issues (see above), BIL #1 is CBC and BIL #2 is a perpetual party animal bachelor. I guess after all of them we'd choose my BFF, who is very close to my whole family, I've known her for 25 years, and she's stable both financially and personally (married, pregnant with her first LO).
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This is such a tough decision for me! I think it would really hurt my family's feelings if I didn't chose one of them. My family is a bit toxic though so I don't really think anyone is a good fit. I have 3 sisters. The older one has 3 LO's and is divorced. My younger sister is married with a kid, but is not much like me. She's super religious and I don't mind my child being exposed to Christianity, but don't want it forced upon him (the way I was raised). My younger sister is the best fit, but she is still single and wouldn't really be up for 2 little ones. The same religion issue goes for my parents. Plus, I just think they are tired and wouldn't be good parents to LO.
DH's parents would be the best fit, but I would really prefer someone of my generation. DH's sister lives out of the country. So I just procrastinate...
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We haven't discussed this yet and I'm hoping it isn't drama with my husband when we do. I know the obvious choice for most people is siblings but I don't feel comfortable with that. DH's sister is a single mom who can barely afford the kid she has and also lives in NYC, which I don't prefer. My brother/SIL I just sort of don't trust (which is sad, but it's the truth).
I'm going to vote for my parents. I know parents are less ideal due to age but my parents are both only in their 50s and are in really great health. And like people have said, we can always re-evaulate. I'm hopeful that in 10 years my brother/sil will maybe have a kid or two of their own and might become more responsible people that we would trust, but that's just not the reality right now.
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We haven't discussed it (no kids yet), but I know DH and I would agree. He has 2 sisters that each have 1 LO, and I love them both. So if something awful ever happened to us, #1 would be the sister that lives in DH's home country (with the rest of his family), and #2 would probably be his other sister, even though she lives far away from family.
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We haven't decided yet, but it'll probably be my parents. My siblings are both young (like, my sister is 12), and his siblings aren't quite on their feet yet (both are in their early 20s, but not in stable jobs). His parents and my parents would both be a good fit, but my parents have had younger kids more recently, and I think they're better equipped (plus, only in their 40s).
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It will be my sister and BIL. They are the oldest of all of our siblings, and the most settled down. They're just recently married, but we trust them implicitly. They have a similar perspective on life that we do, and I know that they would make a commitment to making sure that our kids got the best that they could offer. I think they were surprised but really excited, that we asked them. I knew we had made the right choice when her first response was, "yes! We get to ruin your kids' lives". LOL, ummm.....not quite
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@Adira: Our choice was pretty easy. My sister is too young, DH's siblings are too irresponsible. My mom and stepdad are the only ones with a strong marriage, job, retirement plan, and household. That sounds harsh, but when talking about something like your children in the event of your death, it has to be that black & white.
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We didn't consider parents as DH's are older and mine are separated. We have nine siblings between us and would definitely want her to go to one of them. We chose one of his sisters, who is single, but is very kind, sensible and loving and I know she would make sure that A would still see my family too. We also believe if she wasn't in a position to take her, that she would be able to choose another sibling who was. We've thought about our backup, but haven't mentioned it to them yet.
. No question as to who.
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41 comments