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How do I tell MIL (nicely) to back off?

  1. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    You can't plan for a birth, but she suggested you schedule a C-section? Huh.

  2. MRSMATHY

    pea / 23 posts

    @grizz: I pre-registered yesterday and they asked me the question about whether or not they could tell people I was there, and I definitely said a big fat NO!

    My MIL is horrible. And honestly, if we saw her as much you saw yours, I could probably say they were twins. Thankfully, DH is annoyed by her (and her creepster Husband too) so he has no problem only seeing them on holidays (which is taxing enough) and not talking to them except on rare occasion. My SIL informed me that when she came to see our nephew in the hospital she held him for 4 hours. FOUR! I already informed DH that this was not permitted, and he knows he has to stand up to her (which he'd prefer over me doing it). My mom, as close as we are, and as much as I love her, I fear will begin to react like your MIL when she finds out we don't want visitors until after LO is born!

    I have no advice other than put your foot down NOW. Try to have an adult conversation (even though, based on what you say, I doubt it will matter) and then go from there.

  3. NerdBee

    clementine / 828 posts

    @grizz: LOL!! I can just picture him shuddering every time you silently mouth "lemon clot" at him. He'll never look at a lemon the same way again!

  4. travelgirl1

    cantaloupe / 6630 posts

    @grizz: That's great, at least you can relax on that one a bit then. Gosh as if pregnancy/childbirth isn't stressful enough! Surely your MIL must remember that a little bit.... Really hope it all calms down for you soon!

  5. NerdBee

    clementine / 828 posts

    Oh and I also agree with PP that your DH needs to have your back. I think it's reasonable to expect respect from the people that you allow into your life. What your MIL is soon is undermining you and disrespecting both you and him as parents. Would he allow anyone else to treat you in this manner? If not, why is it ok that his mother treats you like this? Maybe it would make him rethink his stance that she is harmless if you put it this way.

  6. Happygal

    pomelo / 5000 posts

    Oh man! That's amazing stuff. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with that, and hope it's not taking away from what should be a joyful experience.

    I'm all for keeping the peace as much as possible, so I like the suggestions of saying things like, "I'll keep that in mind," or "That's one way to look at it." Something that just shuts it down. Or say, "There are going to be some things that we do a little differently, just as I'm sure you did things a little differently from your parents. We've come to our decisions through careful research and consideration, and ask that you respect that."

    At the same time, when she gets personal, like calling you selfish, I would be inclined to be direct and say something like, "That is a hurtful statement." People know when they're being rude, and when they're called out on it, it can be effective (it can also escalate things, so proceed with caution!)

    I would ask my husband NOT to tell me anything crazy or rude she has said. What's the point?

    On a light-hearted note, I saw a movie where a girl said she just imagines her parents are drunk to help her cope with when they say crazy stuff.

    I hope you can explain to your husband how these are bothering you. Even if he doesn't believe it to be so, he should have a talk with his mom and tell her to cool it.

  7. hilary

    apricot / 364 posts

    DH and I have a policy.....I deal with my family and he deals with his. So much easier to be the bad guy to your own family. Just remember, you know what's best for your family.

  8. 2PeasinaPod

    pomelo / 5524 posts

    @Happygal: Haha...that's great advice (pretending your parents are drunk to better cope with what they say). I'm going to try to remember this one!

  9. MsLipGloss

    GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts

    @grizz: At this point, I don't know that *going Chuck Norris* would be enough to get her back in line . . . and I don't say that lightly, cus CN is srs bzns! But seriously . . .

    I had a family member that did/said very hurtful things to me during my pregnancy, and I did what @HappyGal recommended and called her out, on the spot, although I did it using a very even almost clinical tone. It didn't go over well, but at the same time, she knew she was really out of line, and it abruptly put a stop to the nonsense . . . until we talked the next time.

    I will say though, I felt super great about standing up for myself . . . and now that LO's here, I certainly don't hestitate now either!

  10. Boheme

    papaya / 10473 posts

    @MsLipGloss: I think that is probably how this is going to go down. I know we'll see them this weekend at some point, and she's going to make a ridiculous statement and that's the point I will lose it.

    I'm a social worker, so I will prob put on my very stern, cold clinical social worker voice and lay things out for her. She's extremely passive, so I know it will hurt her feelings...but it will also shut her up (hopefully). I can't count on DH to shut her down, so I've got a feeling I'll be doing it myself.

  11. ladyfingers

    pomelo / 5331 posts

    I would probably just say, "You may be right" and turn my ears off. Maybe conceding to her would shut her up while you can just go about your own business.

  12. Maysprout

    grapefruit / 4800 posts

    I think you and DH need to get on the same page about what is and isn't acceptable so you have confidence that she won't undermine your decisions.

    My MIL was super sweet during my pregnancy but we had a really rough first year after LO was born. She's very thoughtful but she's used to things going according to her plans so I think it just was shocking to see DH and I not doing things the way she would. When LO was a couple months old DH took her aside and had a talk with her. It helped with my confidence for him to do that but the situation did not get better for awhile. She really had to adjust and accept that we may not agree with her on everything.

    But she took awhile to accept it. So we stayed firm while she said all sorts of underhanded, really mean comments, we didn't decrease contact with them or anything like that, though she definitely watched LO less bc of some of her ideas. It's been a lot better recently so I'm hoping that it was just a long adjustment to us being parents.

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