I know we've had posts on this before but I'm not quite finding them so figured I'd just ask. (warning, this got really long,..)

How do you deal with your parents if there are issues that make your relationship with them difficult? Particularly if you want them to be involved with your kids and preserve the grandparent relationship but are struggling to maintain your own relationship with them?

I've had some challenges with my mom in the past but this year has really exacerbated things significantly. In a nutshell, she's someone who wants to be very helpful and supportive and never "burden" anyone but goes about it in completely backwards ways that actually cause more problems for people. She's completely nonresponsive to any kind of criticism, perceived or otherwise, so it's virtually impossible to tell her why someone is upset with her and have her acknowledge it much less do something about it so whenever things flare up, it ends up being easier just to let it go rather than deal with it, and frankly, I'm just exhausted by it all and not sure what to do.

In April, she and my dad both got Covid and she didn't tell me and in fact went out of her way to lie to me about it during the daily Facetime calls we were doing. Her rationale was that she didn't want to bother me. This wasn't the first time she'd done this - she's hidden surgeries from me, etc. - but it really upset me. I didn't say anything because I didn't really think it would do any good and frankly I was tired and overwhelmed myself. It took her 3 months to say a word about it, even though she knew I knew and knew I talked to my dad about it all and how much it bothered me, and when she finally did say something, it was in a brush-off "not a big deal" way that completely minimized how much it affected me. Since that time, she hasn't once texted or called me to talk, even though we were regularly before that. Again the rationale is that she doesn't want to bother me, even though I never alluded to being bothered. And though she never calls me herself, she will periodically say things like "well, I haven't talked to mommy in a while, she doesn't call me" to my daughter during their 2X/week Facetimes. In the summer, we went on a vacation thanks to a friend lending us a house on the beach unexpectedly, and when my daughter innocently asked if Bubbie could come during their Facetime, my mother said "mommy doesn't want me there." We hadn't even talked about us going at that point, the news was all of 2 hours old. The most recent thing is this week - when everything was going on at the Capitol, no one from my family checked in with us. My husband works at the Capitol, and we had friends and people we hadn't talked to in years checking in, but my parents and brother, nothing. That day was a Facetime day for my mom and my daughter, and my mom asked me how things are and I said they suck (my daughter was out of earshot) and she asked why and I said have you seen the news today and her response was "oh, the protest? what about it?" I left it alone. The next day she called me and tearfully apologized for not checking in with us (who knows what prompted that, I was very surprised). I told her I understood that she was preoccupied (my brother has Covid right now and work is pretty awful for her, so I get it to some extent) but that to us what's happening is a big deal. She then proceeded to unload a whole ton of her own emotional crap on me like how she feels "outcast" and how no one listens to her or respects her opinions (no idea what she's talking about) and then she hung up on me with "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person and mother." Of course I am ever the caretaker so I texted her and told her that we're fine, no one is mad, I'm sorry she feels how she feels, what can I do to help. She didn't respond. And then I got mad at myself because f' that. I feel like I'm basically being gaslighted now.

She and my daughter have an incredible relationship and I don't want to ruin that in any way, but I'm just really not sure what to do at this point for my own relationship with her. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and if it weren't for my kiddo, I probably would just disconnect for a while, but I don't really want to do that. Would love any suggestions/stories/commiseration/perspectives I haven't considered.