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@marionberry: I don't think its a bad idea to make excuses to get out of things if you just don't feel like you can handle it. I'm sure if your friends knew they would understand. I really don't think one is worse then the other, both losing a baby and not being able to have a baby are awful situations to be in. Wish I had better advice!

Some days are easier than others. I skipped a baby shower recently because I couldn't handle being around anything to do with babies at that point.

I had a hard time this summer as all my friends had their second children while I'm still waiting for my first. Thankfully that's all over now and I don't expect there will be any more pregnancies until ours.... unless Hubs' cousin gets pregnant this year.

Hugs!! It's hard. I'm sorry. I'm currently on cycle 8 and it's hard seeing friends who were married before me and are younger than me or friends who have one or two kids. I am really thrilled when they tell me they are pregnant but a little part of me is disappointed that I can't have that same luck. Why can't it be me?

Sadly, I've had to distance myself from one friend because the sadness is still there. She was a friend who got married around the same time as me, started TTC a month or two after we started and our husbands are really close, too. I think I'm still sad from not being able to have kids grow up together and be able to bounce mommy issues. I still ask her about her and her daughter. I'm happy for them being able to start a family. It's great. It's great for everyone who can have a family.

It's just hard trying to figure out why we can't start a family when others can do it so quickly.

Anyway, I try hard not to show my sadness. On the outside, I'm happy for them but on the inside I'm sad.

There's infertility support thread here which is great. I created a 6 month or more TTC thread, too. That's what has been helping me.

Hope you get your BFP soon!

@marionberry: My best friend got pregnant with her second child while we have been trying for over a year now to conceive our first. I told her to tell me as soon as she could so that I could process it and I let her know that I might disappear for a little while - but that I was so happy for her. It's easy to "disappear" when you don't live in the same state. She's quickly approaching her due date and I'm doing my best to ask her questions about how she is, and what it's like the second time around. But I'm also talking with her about my feelings and what I'm going through.

I agree with @dagret, underneath the feelings of sadness is probably happiness. Just give equal weight to the emotions and seek the support you need to work through it. I'm trying hard not to become numb to all of the baby announcements - but sometimes I have to in order to hold it together.

When we were TTC it seemed like everyone around us was getting pregnant besides us! THe ones that stung the most were the "oopsies". Those I have to admit I felt pretty bitter about. But the ones where I knew they were also actively TTC like we were I was genuinely happy for them.

It took us 9 long cycles. Longer than some, shorter than some. Longer than we wanted to.

I really don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel in this regards. But whatever you genuinely feel I think it's important to at least be happy for your friend in front of them. It's a special time for them too and your circumstances should not detract from their happy news.

Baby dust!!

@regberadaisy: thank you - I really feel lucky. My best friend also bought a quick plane ticket to come see me when I was at my lowest point....13 months into TTC. She's been so great, and I'm doing my best to return the support that I receive from her. This isn't how I thought we would share this time in our lives together, I wish it could be different. But a true friendship works through all of the ups and downs.

I really don't have much to add than what others have said but just wanted to jump in to say that I completely understand. At 13 months trying, we are officially that statistic of those who cannot conceive within a year. Other than DH - who is wonderful - there is no one that I know IRL that has been through this struggle. A couple people know we've been trying but they have their own families and so we don't see them very much. It's very hard. Especially at the start of a brand new cycle b/c it means, no matter how perfectly thorough we are or timed everything to a T, it didn't work and now we have to start over.

For those around me that are pregnant, I am happy for these people - truly. They are lucky and I am happy for their good fortune. At this point I am amazed that so many people can get KU so quickly and without even doing anything (taking supplements, meds, procedures, etc). Inside, however, it tears me up b/c I don't understand why I can't have that same joy, the same lack of sleep, the same uncomfortableness of pregnancy. And also why can't it be easy for us?

It's nice to come to boards like this and know that I am not the only one that is going through this. Baby dust everyone

It really does suck. I'd have friends that I was due within weeks of and then I'd miscarry and they'd continue in their pregnancies. I know half a dozen people that have sweet babies now. But they were all so nice and sensitive about it, and it really said a lot to me about the kind of friend they were. And it really, really made it easy to be happy for them and do stuff for them. Now, other people? Especially some, ahem, ruder folks? Different story. I wouldn't go to a baby shower unless I was really close to them, ya know?

All you can do is realize that it sucks for you and grieve for yourself and be frustrated, even though you are happy for your friend. And that's allowed.

It's just kind of one of those things. You feel like shit because it's a very obvious reminder of what you don't have, but want, and then you feel like shit for not being MORE excited for them. You know you want to be, but it's hard at first and it will take a little time to get over the hump.

@marionberry: as you know, I follow your blog and I'm very angry and hurt for you. I am in a similar situation and its hurtful how insensitive friends can be. That blog post really ticks me off. I wish she would have thought more about you and dh's feelings but I think until someone is in your shoes they just don't understand.

I think it's ok to avoid situations and people that don't understand to an extent. I'm doing the same. It's hard to remember there is life outside of TTC. Hang in there, you're BFP is on the way!

I resisted the urge to comment on this post initially because we've only been TTC for 11 weeks, it's not exactly a long time! But, despite that, I know how you feel so I'm going to add my comments to the mix!!

My best friend is due to give birth to her first baby in the next few weeks. I was supposed to be pregnant when she had her baby. If we hadn't had the m/c, we'd be 12 wks pg on her due date - ready to announce. How happy would that day be! The saddest thing for me is that I know my happiness for her, now, will be so tinged with sadness that it won't be the same.... my jealousy is going to ruin this lovely moment for ME. I hate that. She'll never know - I wont let it show - but I'll know and it will be spoiled.

@marionberry: You mention God having good reasons for His timing. This is something I really believe - and also really struggle with. It doesn't make sense to me.... I wish He could reveal His reasons (a m/c the day after my dad died? Eh??), I think if I understood I'd be okay with it.... but, instead, you've just got to trust. It's hard.

I guess if my first baby had stuck, I'd be one of those newly married women announcing on FB, pg from the first cycle. No-one wants to be one of them b****s, huh?! Lol.

@jh524 Seeing as how you got pregnant on your first cycle trying, I don't think you are in any position to judge people's reactions on others getting pregnant after trying for a long time. Nobody mentioned anything about hoping someone else's 'pregnancy doesn't go well' and it is a completely normal and natural reaction to be jealous or sad or frustrated when someone else gets something that you want SO BADLY but are unable to.
The point of this thread was to figure out how to deal with the negative feelings without making those who are lucky enough to get pregnant feel badly. Coming on here to post what you posted was incredible rude and not in the spirit of this community. I'm shocked and appalled by your harsh words

@jh524: I completely agree with @trailmix. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but this was not the appropriate thread for it. If you "have no advice for those women," why even leave a comment? You've likely just made these women feel worse than they already do.

@jh524: If you haven't been through a miscarriage or struggled with TTC, this can be hard to understand. But it's very real, and I'd ask that you please respect other peoples' feelings.

You never know how you would respond to a miscarriage or TTC struggles until you experience it. I was blown away by how hard it was to go through two miscarriages with Mrs. Bee. And as hard it was for me, I know that it was 100x harder for her.

We welcome you on this thread if you're open to learning more about this difficult process (or support those going through it). But if you're just going to call people bitter and hateful, then please just refrain from commenting on this thread (or any other support threads for TTC or miscarriages).

@jh524: whoa, whoa, whoa. Infertility is abslutely NOT caused by stress or jealousy or anger.

I would hope that even though you have been fortunate enough to get pregnant quickly, that you would try to see the issue through another's eyes.

NO ONE infertile EVER wishes to see another's pregnancy fail. (I have experience on both sides of this, being both the infertile friend who has seen a friend get pregnant and miscarry, as well as being the pregnant-then-losing-the-baby-friend of an infertile woman [twice].)

No one's advocating being bitter and destructive, we're simply acknowledging that those negative feelings exist, and it's important to acknowledge them and move forward - the same "Love, not hate" that you're advocating for.

It is absolutely not healthy to pretend that those feelings just don't exist - and they exist in lots of different scenarios in our lives, whether it's infertility, a difficult pregnancy, marital problems, children with disabilities or financial problems. It is absolutely human to have feelings of sadness, jealousy and anger. Please don't invalidate the basic human need for these feelings.

@raintreebee: My comment was in response to the negative posts...none of which were yours. Im sorry If my comment upset you.

@mrbee: I absolutely understand and agree to not comment on these threads. I responded to the "few" posts that made me explain how I feel towards those negative comments and people.

@jh524: wow - just. wow. You must know that you were going to be recieving responses from your post. If you have no idea what it is like to TTC for months/years or experience a loss or anything like this then you should not judge others in how they feel versus how you think they should feel. Just like @Dagret posted, these feelings also exist in other aspects of our lives, whether we or friends/family experience them, they are very real. I also take offense to your comment that we are all bitter and hateful and that our so-called stress causes infertility. It was a bit uncalled for.

I just started TTC, but due to my PCOS I know it's going to take a while and I've already gone through three months of testing before I was even allowed to start. I'm still not feeling desperate or helpless, but I totally understand your feelings. There are actually certain people in my life that I know I'll cry if I hear a pregnancy announcement before I make mine.

I guess how I deal with it at this point is I take it one day at a time and try to separate everyone elses situation from mine. It's kind of annoying when I go out to lunch with new moms who will ONLY talk about their baby, but I'm never rude or impatient because they are allowed to be happy. Plus if the person was my friend to begin with then I can always find the strength to be truly happy for them.

Like PP's though, it really really helps to do things that preggo's can't - like go out for sushi, make a fabulous cocktail, etc. The little things that you aren't looking forward to giving up don't have to be given up on yet!