Hi, just wondering if anyone is able to fit in self-care right now and what you’re doing. I need something, but all of the things I would have done are unavailable right now because of winter (I live in northern New England) and the other thing 🦠. Both DH and I have demanding jobs and he’s in a masters program so I mostly solo parent our 1yo on the weekends while he does schoolwork. We don’t have local family and DD is young enough that we didn’t have a relationship with a babysitter before Covid so we’ve never left her with a babysitter and I don’t know when we’ll be able to (but what would we even do if we had a babysitter?) The rules in our state also preclude out of town family from coming for a weekend to help. I am so burnt out, but feel like I have no way to fix it.
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I'm sorry - that sounds so hard. I'm finding it especially difficult to find time to myself because of the weather here, and I don't solo parent on the weekend. I will try to think of some ideas, but for now I wanted to share two relevant articles
https://forge.medium.com/im-tired-of-basic-human-needs-being-seen-as-self-care-for-women-54ef206e918c
https://cupofjo.com/2020/10/winter-blues-tips/ -
That sounds exhausting, I'm sorry. I have similar circumstances with childcare (none since March) but my kiddo is older (7) and my husband has some flexibility (both of us work full time but at home). And even with that, the only thing I can do really is squeeze in a workout before my daughter is up (6:30-7 AM), and squeeze out some time to read in the evening and occasionally on weekends while she plays on her own (which is infrequent). I also like to drive so occasionally I'll go for a long drive by myself and listen to podcasts.
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I hear you! Similar position here in regards to no help, and it’s been lonely and difficult. One thing I started doing right after Christmas is carving out a half hour each day for me to work out. It’s not much, but I find it’s really helped me. Sometimes I do the workouts when the kids are asleep, and sometimes they’re there and crawling over me, but I still feel my mental health has improved by carving out even a little time to make myself a priority.
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It’s so hard! Is she in daycare? If so, can you take a couple of hours off of work to go for a hike/walk solo or with DH if he can take off too? Even if it means making up the work later, I find it worth it. If not, then can you find time after she’s in bed? Even a long bath, a good book, a workout, a game with DH, something like that. Time when you are truly off and not thinking about laundry/house cleaning can be nice even if it’s not a big thing.
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I'm a SAHM, and my husband is more available than yours, but stuff I do:
-take a drive and listen to a podcast and get some drive-thru coffee (I can do this with DD in the car)
-yoga (I do this in DD's room while she plays/climbs on me sometimes, but it's better than nothing)
-Read or Knit during nap time or after she's in bed, really whenever I can squeeze it in
-Go on a walk with DD and listen to my music or a podcast (harder in the winter and not able to do it as often with the current weather, but we still try to get out as much as is possible) -
@karenbme: going on a walk is my “go to” me time. I always feel happy and refreshed afterwards, even if it’s only a 15 minute walk!
I hope you find some time for yourself soon.
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I think right now it's all about the little things... The Bachelor is my guilty pleasure so I basically hide out in our bedroom for 2 hours on Mondays to watch (and I may have had some hidden PB M&M's in there as well).
Get in a long bubble bath when you can (which isn't always enjoyable since my DD (3) will cry outside the door till I let her in).
I love doing deep conditioning hair masks or face masks, a small thing but feels like pampering myself.
I read after the kids are in bed and on my lunch break at work.
If you are working/have daycare then book a massage the last hour of the day and take off early. (if they're open in your area?)
I also walk on our treadmill for 20 minutes a day, not much but it's 'me' time. -
I'm a therapist and honestly, lately the only way I can describe what I'm suggesting (and what I'm practicing myself) is band-aids on broken bones.
When you do something for yourself- even if its small, like taking extra time in your shower, watering your plants, doing a few puzzle pieces, whatever- intentionally notice it in your brain. "I am taking a break from dishes/work/kids/whatever to drink a glass of cold water with some lemon juice in it because it feels good to me and because i need a break."
Lock yourself in your bedroom with a cup of tea (or a beer, which is what I did yesterday) and play stupid games on your phone for an hour.
Its okay if you aren't' in a place to start a new exercise routine or meditation practice or yoga class right now. This feels really, really hard because it IS really hard. Its not because you aren't trying hard enough- it just is more than we have capacity for.
Take care of yourself, and then find the small things you can do to create a little joy (keep a puzzle going, favorite kind of tea, a good book, whatever), and when you do them make an intentional, in the moment observation that you are taking care of yourself because you deserve it and are doing a really good job.If you can exercise or meditate, awesome and good for you. I personally am not able to do that most days, and I know some of my clients blame themselves unnecessarily for having a hard time right now. Just keep your head above water, even if that means more carbs and trashy t.v. That is a great way to cope with a global pandemic and nearing a year of stay at home orders.
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Do you have any local friends with kids? Can you pick one who is taking covid seriously and trade visits, masked up on the weekends? It is so much less exhausting to hang out with a one year old if there's another mama to chat with.
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My husband also is in school while we both work. So I'm right there with you on the solo parenting. Weekends are awful sometimes. My kids are 6, 3 and 7 months, but I've been bundling my baby up like a little burrito in the stroller (buntings are great!) and going for a walk anyway. Even if you don't have winter clothes, you can layer flannel pjs and yoga pants just fine
I've also started playing useless games on my phone while just sitting with my kids (usually also tuned into a screen) so we're 'together' but I can mentally tune out. I like Spider Solitaire because mine has no ads and I'm pretty sure every game is solvable, even if I have to restart to try a different way. Easy wins!
My last suggestion sounds silly but it totally works. Sing along to nostalgic songs. I've been having little dance parties holding a baby to Journey, Phil Collins, Celtic Women, Wicked, etc. Basically anything I know the words to. It feels really cathartic to sing about other people's emotions.
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Thank you, ladies. Agreed that it’s so hard right now. Instead of cleaning during nap time yesterday I took a nap and it felt so good (I meant to lay down with a book and a cup of tea but 🤷♀️). And, bonus, my husband finished his schoolwork and did some of the cleaning I would have done while I was sleeping.
I feel like (hope) once winter is over it will get a little bit better. I’m a big gardener and will definitely be able to do that (as long as DD doesn’t run into the road or anything). And longer days will mean outside time before/after dinner is possible. A lot of the hobbies I had before like yoga just don’t feel right over zoom, especially when I can hear the baby crying in the other room. And any multi-household gathering is against the executive order here, so seeing friends is out. I need to find some sort of exercise that works for me, but between work and family and chores on weekdays I’m going from 6am until at least 8pm. I have been doing push-ups and squats in my WFH clothes every morning during the 2 minutes my tea water is in the microwave, which I tell myself is better than nothing.
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If it's 20 degrees or warmer I take a 45-60 minute walk. It's so, so, so good for my mental health! Ive definitely been more on edge lately bc I've been skipping it due to the crazy below zero temps.
My commute also kind of feels like my only "me time" right now. I try to enjoy an audio book and zone out a bit.
I'm super excited for warmer weather and gardening too!!
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@Silva: This is amazingly helpful - thank you for sharing this perspective! I think the part about acknowledging in the moment when you are taking this time is going to make it a lot more meaningful for me, no matter how small or average that time may “feel” these days.
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I'm notoriously bad at self care even before the pandemic. Working full time with 3 kids through this pandemic had definitely burnt me out to the ground, except there's no choice but to keep going. I feel you, mama!
The tiny thing I do is that I discovered nail stickers. I was never good at painting my nails, never had time to get my nails done (or the budget for it really). So to take 10 minutes once every few weeks to do my nails lifts mood a lot!
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@karenbme: I sooo feel this. I second putting the kiddo in the car and going for a drive. I get myself a coffee and put on some music and just let myself not be touched (anyone else so tired of their kid touching them?). Also just hearing something other than "mama mama mama mama" is nice!
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Thursday evenings are my "me time." DH knows that from 9-10:30 on those nights I am out of commission. I take a super long, hot bubble bath, drink half a bottle of wine, read a book, and get a little tipsy. I really look forward to it and it helps be re-charge to go into the weekend.
@foodiebee: I get "touched out" sooo easily. I really thought I was a physically affectionate person until I had children. It makes me feel bad sometimes but I can't be touched all day long!
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I trade Saturday hours with DH. I must be out of the house (or locked into room) until noon. He is out noon until 430.
I didn’t know what to do with myself at first but to have a luxury of routine time to fritter away is reassuring. . I try to make plans, catch up with errands and do miscellaneous concentration things then.. DD knows what to expect. I try to make a safe play date for her on Sundays sometimes. And yes to bubble baths and tea. Liquid, sleep, and scents. The simple sensory things. DD’s thing is stuffed animals. Lots of them.Oh and I used to do the drive thing. I’d get in the car with DD and she would say where are we going? And I would say Don’t ask me!
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