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@gingerbebe: this is my situation almost exactly. Except I didn't want to pay for two households (and my parents live in the most expensive city in the country..) so I moved in with them and my hubby and I are paying 100% of all expenses (skewed more towards me since I make more than he does.) I'm way too old and independent to live with my parents. it definitely sucks for all of us!
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@mrs.kiwi: that's a really tough dynamic (giving to anyone who you know is basically going to blow the money).
My parents are very proud and definitely never ask me for money without it REALLY weighing on them. They don't want to; they don't want to need to accept help from me, which is why I more often gift items vs cash, if I can. And had you asked me would we be helping them financially 10 years ago or 15 when they were in their early 50's! I would have been firmly another "oh my parents would never accept help/ask for help/need help", but you never know how things will change, and it doesn't really take all that much to change finances hugely for most people. It is what it is though; I mean they are my parents. Of course I help them. But, if they were routinely exploiting my sense of duty to them - man, that would be really hard.
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Currently nothing, but I would not hestitate if our parents were in need. In this country, the sad reality is that you can plan, plan and plan some more and all it takes is one catastrophic event to wipe you out.
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Nothing, but our parents all worked for the government and are part of a retirement plan that basically pays most of their salary still now that they're retired. If not for that, the answer might be different because my mom is not great with money
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Currently, nothing besides paying for meals when we all go out to eat. We pay my dad DH & I's portion of the cell phone bill, but my dad always says don't worry about it and it's hit and miss if he'll cash our check.
My dad is still working, while my MIL has been pretty good about her money (she's pretty much retired). I don't foresee my MIL ever needing our help.
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Nothing to both sets. They are the ones that are always helping us out!
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Nothing for ILs but we pay for everything when my parents visit us. It's not out of the realm of possibility that they may need monetary help in the future.
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If you are looking for advice/ideas how you might be able to get out of this situation, this is what I did.
We were supporting my ILs a great deal, so we were in a very similar situation as you, not being able to save, and living very frugally ourselves. They are not good with money. After a few years, we basically told them we can give $X/month, and that was all we could do because we didn't have any more money. It was a hard conversation, and there were some hurt feelings, but we couldn't be an unlimited ATM machine. Now, we give $X/month + gifts, and we don't feel any resentment towards them any more, they figured out how to live within their means, and I feel so much better that I can plan a little more for my own family.
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I am mutt white as someone else put it and it is the correct term and help out both my parents. Not monthly but whenever they need it. It's just what I do, they make bad financial decisions and need the help.
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My siblings and I are just trying to map this out. We're white and while there is no cultural expectation that children support their parents, the reality of my parent's financial situation is that once my dad stops working, they are going to need serious help. They just didn't plan well (or at all?) for their future. That said, we are not ATMs and I can't imagine being expected to support a certain "lifestyle" without a serious amount of resentment building up. Like a previous poster mentioned, we'll probably end up buying an investment house that they'll live in and split their monthly expenses amoung myself and my siblings. Good times.
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@mrs.kiwi: my parents are very finiacially stable and often give us kids money or gifts. I can't imagine it being switched around but I'm sure I would do whatever I could to help out my parents if they needed it!
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I'm so sorry for those of you that are struggling with this. I didn't realize how lucky we are too not have to worry about supporting our parents.
MIL believes we should be supporting her, but her spending is so outrageous that we wouldn't ever consider it. She once asked for a monthly stipend that was equal to my take home pay.... while DH was between jobs.... And while she owned two homes and spent the winter at a vacation rental. Just no.
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I want to say I totally understand how you feel.
When I started working I was super poor, couldn’t even rub two pennies together. My mother wanted me to give my overseas family thousands of dollars for Lunar New Years, I just started working 2 months by then. It stressed me out. I had no money. Okay sure I had some money to pay for bill and eat but not much more than that. I knew my relatives overseas didn’t even care what I gave them because they weren’t using it anyways it was all for show which was even more annoying. I finally was able to talk to my mom and give her a smaller amount of what she asked for and eat a few very fugal meals to balance that out. I’m a big saver so I was able to have enough money the next year to give.
These big gifts every year and sometimes even more really do stress me out because sometimes it feels like I can’t save as much as I wanted and not have the things I see other people have (like a nice house). It’s my mother using us (her kids) to give back to her parents and siblings overseas. I’m not sure what to do about this.
I give my mother some money each month to help take care of my kids but that doesn’t stress me out at all because I feel like it’s a balance.
You are definitely not alone!
I also have a good friend that pretty much gives half her pay check to her parents because they were both laid off and they need her help. It really sucks for her because they discouraged her from going to college and refused to pay for it… now she’s using that college education that provided her with a good job to help them get by.
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