Hellobee Boards

I didn't read the article, but I think sometimes it's about lowering your expectations from the person? Like, people always say, you can't control others' behaivor, only how you react to it. Unfortunately, for me at least, that means that I sometimes kind of give up on the relationship, or put less of my energy/time into maintaining it.

Like, I was really mad at someone I considered one of my best friends (my college roomate) the year after college, but when I realized she wasn't going to admit how she'd messed up, much less apologize for it, I stopped making an effort. Now we're very friendly when we see each other, but I don't keep contact regularly.

Other times it's harder. My in-laws can be VERY defensive, they will never admit they're being inconsiderate about anything, especially not to dh. We are much easier going than they are so we just kind of accept it and quietly simmer....probably not the healthiest! But it helps a little that we just know they're going to react badly to us trying to confront them, so we choose our battles carefully and try to anticipate their reaction...but I foresee having my feelings hurt more now that there will be a baby involved!

@SugarplumsMom: ahhhh I just wrote a really long response out, and my internet timed out so it disappeared! booooo!!

the short version of what I wrote is that it helps me cope to have an ally--dh knows when his parents are being ridiculous so it's easier to let it roll off my shoulders. but, it also helps to know that they mean well: it's always unintentional/unconscious. I don't know if I'd be able to accept it if it was meant with malice or mean-spirited and I didn't get an apology

@SugarplumsMom: What a good question. How DO you forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness? We all know that anger and resentment only hurts the person who holds onto it but when the person doesn't accept that they've done wrong and, maybe, even indulges in the same behaviour time and time again how do you continue to be the better person and offer that person your continual forgiveness?

I know in my life I hold a lot of anger towards my mum. She's a very selfish person and can't see past her own wants. This led to a bad situation when I was in my teens and I do still hold some resentment about what happened. She's not sorry because she can't see that what she did was wrong and talking to her about it just upsets her (and I end up apologising - agh!). For me, I work really hard to forgive her for *not being perfect*. Not for what she did but for not living up up to my expectations.... she can't help who she is, I guess. She has never apologised for what she did and indeed she continues to act in that way.... but I forgive her because I *choose* to. It's active - it's not a one time forgive and all forgotten - I have to make that decision every time I see her. I *choose* to forgive her.

Does that make any sense at all??

@mrbee: How are you so wise? You always have something calm and insightful to say. Do you read a lot of books about inner wisdom or follow Deepak Chopra on Twitter?!! Actually, I tried that once - he doesn't make a lot of sense, to be honest!!!

Makes me think of this:

I think that I just revise what that person means to me. Like if they have done something that serious and never apologized, I'm not going to sit and stew about it. I'll just realize that they are a person I may need to see/interact with but I do it with a view towards making my life comfortable/easy. They aren't my good friend (or whatever) anymore. They're just a person I chat with when it is convenient to my day.

I think it all comes down to expectations. I've had friends let me down, and it was pretty easy to adjust my expectations ("Oh, we're not as close as I thought we were") and my behaviors.

Unfortunately, if there's the expectation that you HAVE to see someone, I don't think there's anything wrong with also having expectations about what kind of behavior you'll allow in your life. Relationships, even in families, are a two-way street.

Maintaining your boundaries does not equal not forgiving. Forgiveness does not mean letting someone re-trample your boundaries or pretending whatever the infraction was didn't happen. Forgiveness is about choosing to not let it eat you up. Forgiveness is for you, not the person from whom you'd like an apology.