We have a wonderful daughter and have been trying for a second. We were discussing/arguing about our budget and spending habits tonight. We've known that having a second would be a huge stretch on our budget and that we'd probably have to dip into our savings to afford daycare, but I was okay with that knowing that we're both in line for big raises eventually and that daycare costs will eventually stop. It was dumb--I called out a minor but recurring expense and my husband let me know that he'd be miserable watching the budget so closely and cutting out many things he enjoys to afford a second child. He doesn't want to have another. He said that eventually he may change his mind, but I'm heartbroken. If we got pregnant now, there'd be a 3 year gap. I don't want anything bigger, and I've always dreamed of having two. Any advice on how to be okay with this?
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No advice other than I think you feeling heartbroken is totally OK at this point!
I think I'd feel the same! Take some time, talk it out and maybe in a few months if you still feel strongly about another talk to DH again and let him know it's not easy -
We are only having one and it wasn't initially what I wanted but I look at all the positives, the time and attention I can give my son, more opportunities for travel, etc., and even just the ease of only having one set of activities. It definitely takes a looong time to adjust, but I actually really look forward to some of the positives.
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@FaithFertility: Thanks. I know it's still raw now. I'm hoping some time will lend a new perspective (for both of us), but I worry I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak if I hold out hope for the future.
@Mrs Green Grass: You're totally right, there are a lot of positives. It's encouraging to see that you've gone through it and are very happy.
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*big hugs*
This is so tough I would be sooo sad too!!!
Maybe he will turn around soon!!
I just want to say I wanted a 2-3 year gap and I got a 3 year gap but I sort think that a bigger gap would be better with managing kids. A lot of my co worker have 6-8 year gap and love it! Now I can see why. Like 5 of my co workers did that and I think the reason was daycare cost... So they would have only have to pay one at a time for that but they also love how their older is easier to deal with when they have to deal with the little one.
Just saying maybe a bigger gap won't be so bad.
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@Raindrop: Thanks lady. In 3 years my lo will be out of daycare and I won't be THAT old...maybe the right time will show up.
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@babypugs: My DH was one and done for a long time. I had a list of pros to only having one...we could give one child a lot more attention, perks like being able to afford more vacations and being able to help more with college, etc. I went back and forth a lot about whether I wanted a second. I was coming to peace about not having another, and accepting that the image i had of our family in the future...of two kids in coordinating Christmas pajamas...wasn't going to happen. I let myself mourn that future lost, and accepted that I might always have a pain of regret in the back of my heart (but I was unwilling to push it...I didn't want to have s child that my husband wasn't 100% on board for).
He was 98% sure he didn't want another. I just asked him to not completely shut the door on the idea. When out son was 2.5 DH changed his mind, and 11 or so months later we had DD. DH said there were several things he had wanted to happen that had happened (like me going back to work and us making plans to move), and that's why he changed his mind.
I'm not saying he'll change his mind, but maybe don't despair yet. Maybe sit down with him and figure out what needs to happen for him to get on board (and be prepared to change your timeline). But let yourself consider a future of only having one...let yourself mourn and accept that you might regret it, but think of pros.
And if it's important enough to you that you think you could resent him, let him know...
I don't know how old your LO is now (around 2?) but ours are 3.5 years apart and so far I love the gap. DS is independent, helpful with DD, and basically potty-trained
(Sorry if this is rambling, my newborn barely slept last night, so I barely slept...)
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I think what you husband said is so hurtful for a lot of reasons, but for me its just such a cold statement: I don't want another kid because of money. Maybe its because it was so hard for us to have our first son, but if my husband said something like to me, I would be speechless.
Like, I would HATE to look back at my life in my old age and say the only reason I don't have another son or daughter (and son in law or daughter in law and grandkids and all that) is because I didn't want to mind my monthly Starbucks spending or my gym membership or because paying for daycare when I was younger was hard.
Hugs to you lady. No real advice, but just sad for you!
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@gingerbebe: I was one of those that was hugely on the fence about having a second child and it was all because of finances. Your comment about "monthly Starbucks spending or gym membership" is very insensitive to those of us who have seriously had to think about whether adding a child to the family was in the best interest of everyone. It's not about paying for Starbucks or extras. It's not frivolous. I wasn't choosing between having a child or having my gourmet coffee. It was about making sure we could provide for our children fully and completely. it is something I thought about and prayed about constantly.
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@pinkcupcake: While I'm sorry my comments hurt your feelings, I was responding to the fact that when OP brought up a minor recurring monthly expense, OPs husband said he would be miserable if he had to keep an eye on his budget so closely and that he didn't want to cut out the things he enjoyed for the sake of a second child. That is what I would personally find hurtful if such a thing were said to me. I'm not speaking to your finances or your personal circumstances. Obviously children are a huge expense and it's a big commitment, but OP seemed like she would be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make a second child happen while her husband would not and I was simply saying that I too would be gutted if I were in her shoes.
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@lovehoneybee: @gingerbebe: @pinkcupcake: I see all of your perspectives. I was looking long term and was gutted that he couldn't commit to a couple very lean years in exchange for fulfilling our family dream. But at the same time, he really has sacrificed so much that he used to love already, and I can see where he was coming from--it sucks, it really does. I miss eating out and good beer and exercise classes too! We had a long heart to heart last night after our emotions calmed down and I think (hope) he finally came to the conclusion that it's doable and worth it, even if life is rough for a couple years. I didn't try to talk him into it, because the last thing I want is for him to resent our life, but I think he's on board again. I'm not okay with the back and forth though--he needs to make sure he's 100% committed on his own before we move forward. It's too hard on my emotions otherwise. Thanks for all of the support, everyone. I was so upset last night, and it was nice to have a place to express those emotions.
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@babypugs: oh I'm so glad. We are having a surprise #2 after going through hell for 3 years for our first but because they are going to be only 20 months apart we were freaking out a bit. But after the emotions died down DH took a breath and was like let's just keep the pain train going for a few more years and accept life is just gonna be hard for a while - and we will be 35 when #2 is born! Our hope is life has less chaos by the time we are 40! You can do it!
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@babypugs: I'm glad you and your husband were able to talk this out. Wishing you the both the best as you move forward.
@gingerbebe: while watching a budget so closely may not matter so much to some people, to others it can be a legitimate source of stress, anxiety, and frustration. The OP's husband expressed his fears and concerns over how adding to his family would make him feel. I think he has a right to feel the way he does.
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@pinkcupcake: I never said his feeling weren't legitimate. I simply said if I were in OP's shoes and that's the reasoning my husband gave to me, I would be gutted and hurt. Because PERSONALLY I wouldn't want to look back on my life and say minding small monthly expenses was the reason I didn't have another child. There's nothing about that which questions the legitimacy of people's feelings.
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