How are you making sure that you raise your girl with good body image? That they don't develop eating disorders.
I already am watching what I say about dieting and my body in front of R.
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I am very careful of what I say when my DD is around. I watched her step on the scale and shake her head at 17 months old, it scared me. So, I never weight myself in front of her & always talk about beauty in both terms of inner and outer. When I brush her hair/do her hair it's not to "make her pertty" but I say "lets enhance your beauty!"
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I think about this a lot. I also try not to self-criticize around her. I actually think it has benefits for me as well! If I'm trying to teach A to love herself, shouldn't I start by being a good example?
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I've struggled with my weight my whole life, as has my mom. It is definitely something I've thought a lot about with my own daughter coming. I feel like one big thing I'll do is avoid talking badly about myself. My whole childhood my mom was constantly dieting, talking about how she was fat, etc. And I was a chunky kid and I remember my mom talking a lot about (actually she still does this) how she's so sorry she gave me bad genes to have weight problems etc. Honestly I don't think any of this was helpful, because I felt from a very young age I was too heavy. Which was not awesome.
Basically I hope to be able to only talk positively about my own body, and only talk positively about hers. And also focus on keeping her healthy by having healthy stuff around the house and doing fun active stuff rather than constantly have the family "dieting" and "walking because we need to lose weight."
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Agree about not self-criticizing. I'm also not going to be super strict about what she eats. I want to teach her that everything is ok in moderation. We have family friends with two young girls. They are never allowed to have anything sweet. I walked in on them in the bathroom at my baby shower shoveling cupcakes into their mouths. They asked me not to tell their mom. I just see that leading to unhealthy eating habits down the line.
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I think I'll try to watch what I say, and model healthy habits with regard to food and activity. I'd love to get her involved in athletics or crossfit, something that would encourage her to value what she can do with her body rather than how it looks. Crossfit specifically has been instrumental in getting me off the diet-body-image hamster wheel.
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A lot of it is going to be around what i say around and to her. No, "i feel so fat" comments. DH and i live pretty active/healthy lifestyles so we want to make sure DD gets involved in some type of sport or activity, which i hope will help with her self-esteem. I think it's all about setting an example.
@Mae: When i was 13 i got on the scale in front of my mom, and she said, "oh, that's a great weight! Try not to go higher than that."
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I don't pick at myself in front of her, when I weigh myself when I am holding her I cheer at the number on the scale, I don't cringe or try to stop her when she wants to poke and prod my body, I celebrate her abilities (your legs are amazing! your toes are talented!, your hands are magical!) and what her perfect little body can do, and so on . . . .
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I think about this a lot, and I think the best way to raise a child to have a good self image/esteem is to model the behavior you would like them to see. I won't call myself names or say anything negative about my body in front of her, I will try to place a bigger importance on inner beauty instead of outer beauty, and I will try my best to help DD see all of her traits and features as a part of who she is and what makes us all unique. I will try to eat healthy and work out every once in awhile, but also not stress about cookies or cake and let her see me eat stuff like that (which won't be hard- let's face it I have a huge sweet tooth). Being confident in yourself will reflect onto your daughter.
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My mom did a fantastic job of always making me feel beautiful. It has a lot to do with our faith, but she was also just a wonderful encourager. She told me how proud she was of me all the time. She nurtured my passions and validated my ideas. I think just having a supportive role model in general helped to make me feel like I am worthy of love just because of who I am. She never over-praised. She never told me I was good at sports, because I'm not. I'm clumsy and awkward, but if I wanted to play sports, she was supportive & encouraging. She also always told me that I am enough - however I choose to look, act, be - I am enough. I've never felt pressure to be or do anything because of some one else's standards. I have my mom to thank for that.
I'm going to try my very best to do the same for Sadie. I'm already making a point to tell her how beautiful and special she is. Not because she's stinkin' cute (which she is), but because she is a child of God. I have vowed to never let a day go by without telling her that she is beautiful because she is Sadie, and being Sadie is more than enough - she may not understand yet, but one day she will!
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I think about this a lot too because I remember being 10 years old and thinking I was fat . I would stand with my legs together and PRAY that my calves didn't touch.
I'm making a very conscious effort to not criticize my body. I don't want to worry about a number on the scale - rather, being healthy .
I want to teach her healthy eating habits from an early age and that every food is okay in moderation.
I want to encourage her to be confident, daring, adventurous and proud of her beautiful body. I think she is gorgeous and my heart breaks thinking about her hating herself.
I think the biggest thing will not be body shaming myself either in front of her , or even behind closed doors because kids pick up on so much !
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My goal is to not self-criticize, encourage being active and teach that there are no "bad" foods (but simply foods we have in moderation). I also want to try and detach emotions from eating, and encourage that food can be for celebrations and happiness but it is not something to reward or punish with. (all of this is easier said than done, I know)
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I've been thinking about this quite a bit since having two girls. My mom was a great example for me (don't think I ever heard her critisize herself or me or my sister once). She would encourage healthy eating habits and basically taught us everything is fine in moderation. I'm hoping to continue this since I see too many of my friends with skewed images of themselves and I've noticed more often than not it originated from their mother.
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@lawbee11: Awww!
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This is a really interesting question and I am not sure what the answer is, if there even is one.
My mother has serious body image and control issues (EDs are generally much more about control than about weight). She is constantly on a diet although she is very thin, hard on herself about what she eats, etc. When I finally weighed 110 lbs in high school and was so excited because it meant I could participate in our school blood drive, my mom said, "Oh, wow. I have never weighed 110 lbs. in my life, maybe not even when I was pregnant," I will never forget that comment or the way it made me feel.
Despite that, I have a very healthy body image. I enjoy yoga and hiking and healthy foods, but I don't stress about my weight. I have never felt better or healthier than I did when I was pregnant. My sister, however, has struggled with an ED for entire life and has been to rehab. My mom has gotten a lot better since the family counseling we went to in association with my sister's rehab, but the reality is that my mom's attitude is only part of the problem. My sister's issues with food and control also stem from depression, unaddressed childhood issues, and a tendency towards addiction (EDs are an addiction, too).
Based on what I have seen in my own life and what I learned through the rehab program, I will:
- pay close attention to the ways my children develop their mental health and make sure that they get all the help they need if they show signs of depression, addiction issues, or bipolar disorder (all of which run in my family).
- be careful to emphasize exercise for fun, stress management, family togetherness, and health, and eating well for taking care of your body and living a long healthy life rather than focusing on exercise as a chore and dieting. I will always offer healthy foods and treats, and there will be no guilt associated with treats. My emphasis will be on balance.
- We will include exercise as part of our family activities, whether it's hiking or going on a long walk or swimming... whatever.
- I will not offer food as reward, but I will try to instill in my kids an appreciation for food, cooking, and fine dining (I LOVE food and I think knowing how to behave and order in a fancy restaurant is an important life skill).
- We will emphasize inner beauty and brain power along with physical beauty. We will also teach our children that we will love them NO MATTER WHAT and that our love is not based on beauty or brains.
- I will let myself be unclothed in front of her often - I want her to see what a healthy body looks like, even one that has a few extra squishy spots and postpartum flab. I will celebrate my body for what it can do, not pick at it for what it can't. This gives me incentive to stay fit and strong as that is the example I want to set for my daughter. I also let her explore my body, even the gooey parts. -
I've always been heavy, and I am somewhat self-conscious. But from a very early age, my mother focused on little things with us: good posture, maintaining eye contact, not fidgeting, twirling our hair, etc. These are skills that I really value now, and I hope to instill in my children, boys or girls.
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@lawbee11: Their habits are already unhealthy . . . that's really sad.
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@MsLipGloss: That's true...definitely already unhealthy.
Their mom is overweight and I think that plays into it--she doesn't want them to turn out like her. But she doesn't seem to be going about it the right way.
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@lawbee11: The best thing she can do is to BE their role model through good self-care . . . eating good, nourishing foods and taking care of herself, both inside and out. I don't understand how parents expect their children to model behavior that is not modeled to them (or is not reflected/represented by the person who should be modeling the behavior).
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Someone made a comment the other day that it was good that E was petite because then she wouldn’t be heavy growing up. And it just made me so sad that someone felt the need to comment on my 11 month old’s body in that manner. I worry about this a lot and I worry about others projecting this onto my kids. Outfits I put on her are “flattering”, not just a cute baby outfit. And I’m like, SHE’S A BABY.
1) Model it
2) Don’t objectify their/your body
3) Focus on healthy and moderation. You’re not avoiding a cupcake because “it’s going to make me fat”, it’s because “too much sugar is bad and I’ve had enough this week”.
4) Let your kids control stuff. I remember being forced on diets and it always backfired. I’m really big on letting my daughter eat what she wants and us not pushing more on her. I offer a variety and don’t bribe or trick her into eating more.
5) Not treat bad moods with food.
6) Like @Septca, emphasize smarts/etc. Yes a compliment is nice once in awhile, but if all you hear is “you’re so pretty”, it’s not ok. I make a conscious effort to say E is smart/clever/whatever.I’ve changed a lot of my own mindsets over the last few years and I’m hoping it rubs off on her. Even while I’ve been in the process of losing weight, it’s because I DID have too much fat on my body, which was unhealthy, and I want to be in the healthy but strong range. It is ok to acknowledge if you aren’t in a “good spot” but then you show by actions that you are taking the right steps to get there.
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@lawbee11: That breaks my heart. This started because my friend's 12 yr old niece is in the hospital for anorexia. She is on a feeding tube, anti depressants, and will be going to an in home treatment center in another state cause our state doesn't have one.
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Just two points to add to everyone else.
DH and I joke a lot about our bodies. And we are making a very conscious effort to stop in front of her. I'm afraid she will be too young to understand we're joking. Or start teasing others in the same manner.
My other point is I want her to have a good self image. But I do not want her to have an ego. I know little girls who have had a over blown ego since they were four because all their parent would say is how beautiful, smart absolutely perfect they are.
It really drives me bonkers that a seven year old is conceited and can't be humble.
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@MsLipGloss: Totally agree.
@Smurfette: Ugh that's so sad
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@Smurfette: at twelve?! That is so sad.
My brother is so horrible about this. My niece is ten and he used to constantly chastise her for eating too much. Every time I see it I yell at him and ask if he wants her to become aneroxic or bulimic! Drives me so mad. I try to reaffirm to my niece all the time that she is smart and beautiful because of how negative my brother can be.
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@locavore_mama: Yeah. It just breaks my heart. She wasn't even overweight. Peer pressure
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This is something that I need to really pay attention to. I grew up in super good shape (was an athlete all through high school) but I always felt like I was fat. I realized much later on in life that my mother would always comment about her own weight and how fat she was (even though she was probably fine based on BMI). Over the past few years, I have worked really hard at being healthier in general and I think my body image has really improved. But I want to make sure that my daughter gets off to a better start.
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I really appreciate everyone's thoughts. For some reason this was one of my biggest fears about having a girl. I've always had a pretty healthy body image/relationship with food, but I know that is uncommon. I feel unprepared for helping my daughter achieve the same. Both of her paternal aunts have disordered eating and terrible self esteems.
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@septca: I agree with all of the points that you made. Very well said!
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@smurfette, it's all too uncommon, unfortunately. A childhood friend of mine used to disappear for "being sick" often. I found out much, much, later on that it was due to eating disorders and being in rehab facilities. 12 is too young, it seems, but it's really not.
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@blackbird: but 12 should be too young. kids grow way to fast these days
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I know, i totally agree. This particular friend's father had just passed from cancer...i do think it was likely the only way she could "control" what was going on.
The first sniff of stuff that I feel is out of my control, I'm involving a therapist. Our parents' generation doesn't seem as pro-therapy as ours and I hope it would help stop anything before it gets too big.
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I was always tall and healthy sized as a child - not fat, I just matured really early - but my parents flipped out and my entire extended family always criticized me for being too big. (I come from a line of wispy thin Asians). So I was put on diets or told to watch my weight from the time I was like 8 or 9. That of course made me WANT to eat more, and I did become a bit larger in middle school, which led to eating disorders and crash diets through high school and college, which my parents generally encouraged.
I am admittedly overweight now in my 30s and I could definitely benefit from a little more exercise and a little more portion control, but I'm very comfortable in my own skin compared to when I was in my 20s because I just decided I was tired of yo-yo dieting and wanted to love myself as-is. Working on my self esteem and DH being constantly supportive and complimentary certainly added to that comfort level, and so I just want to work on my health, rather than my size.
In light of all this, I've thought a lot about how to address the body image issue with any children I may have in the future, because I've seen other moms like me go too far the other way. I know another mom with a similar life experience who refuses to talk about weight or nutrition because of how her parents treated her and won't make any foods off-limits for her kids. Now her kids are all overweight. Trying to curb a kid's diet AFTER the pediatrician tells them they are obese is so hard, so I want to avoid that too.
One thing my parents always did well was stress the importance of nutrition over medication and the need to eat lots of fruits and vegetables. We rarely ate out and mom made a variety of homemade, nutrient dense food for us to eat. So I ended up with a very broad palate and a good sense of nutrition, which I want to pass on to my children. However, my folks never really stressed sports or exercise because they wanted us to study and do well in school. So my brother and I were a little more sedentary than I think I would like for my kids to be.
DH's family was the opposite - kids were always in sports and were super active, but their nutrition was poor.
So I think what we want to do is stress good nutrition and portion control, expose our children to a variety of good homemade food, follow their natural hunger cues (no need to clean your plate), keep them active, and tell them they are wonderful and beautiful just the way they are.
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@septca: My mom made a similar comment to me - "I was never over 115 pounds until I was pregnant with you!". I was skinny all my life, so it never hit home until I was pregnant, and well over 115 pounds. I thought about what she said a lot.
Like most parenting topics – I think modeling healthy behavior and a healthy relationship with food is most important. I’m not totally happy with my body right now, which is okay, and I’m working on it. When I talk about working out or accomplishments, I try to frame it that I’m doing this to get *healthier* and stronger, not to get skinnier (even if I do want to get skinner!).
I also have a healthy relationship with food and want that for my daughter as well – food should be enjoyed, it isn’t just something you have to do to survive. I don’t want food to be used as a control device, as it so often is.
Also, absolutely no beauty pageants and similar activities – because those at their core are about focusing on looks, with the direct message being clear that beauty is most important and if you don’t win, you were not pretty enough. You can study harder to get smarter, you can try harder to be better at a sport but man….telling little girls they simply are not pretty enough? That’s freaking harsh.
I praise LO a lot for being smart in specific way, or being caring – I want those qualities to be the ones she seeks validation for from others, not whether she is pretty or not. Of course, how do I deal with pop culture and everything else? Oh man, I don't know.
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@blackbird: I agree with that re: involving therapy.
My sister and I both dealt with EDs for many years, and I think a big part of it was that our parents just kind of turned a blind eye...there was a big veil around the issues we were obviously having, and no one wanted to discuss them or confront us about it. At the time, I didn't want to be confronted, but looking back, I can't imagine seeing my child like that and NOT intervening. SO I think being really open and having good communication with my kids is really important. (in addition to modeling healthy eating/healthty habits/healthy exercise habits, etc etc).
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@blackbird said a lot of my thoughts.
There's a good article about telling girls they're something other than beautiful- that you're not implicitly reinforcing that their looks matter above all. Ill try to find it.
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@lawbee11: ugh - so sad about the little girls.
I agree that it starts with how you portray your own body image and starting to outwardly show confidence. I also agree that all things are ok in moderation.
Already instead of focusing on how cute she is we try and talk about how smart she is, how nice she is, etc.
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I don't have a daughter but this is my biggest fear! I lost a very good friend of mine to bulimia/ depression. She couldn't see past her view of herself and took her own life two years ago. I really hope that if I have daughters I can impart good self esteem and a solid self image. It was heartbreaking to watch my friend struggle in and out of therapy and in the end lose the battle.
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Oh and keep all those women's magazines out of the house and gossip/celebrity shows off the tv! I'm so lucky my mom didn't have that crap around.
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I'm not really convinced that avoiding the issue of beauty is all that helpful. I've had girlfriends who were raised by parents who were very gender neutral and stressed how competent, how smart, how independent they were, but never told them they were beautiful or pretty. Most of them ended up with a complex about it because they never saw themselves as attractive - and they were smoking hot!
I think for me, I want to tell my daughters they are precious and beautiful regardless of what they look like or what society's measure of beauty is. I want them to know that they are beautiful whether they like frilly pink dresses or want to dress in overalls and play in the mud.
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@gingerbebe: I agree with that . . . I was hardly ever told that I was pretty, and that, combined with a couple of other things, created life-long insecurity issues for me.
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42 comments