A friend I have known for 20 years made a terrible choice and had an internet affair (no actual sex) with a former classmate. She and her husband have two beautiful lil ones. She was the stereotype of a former professional woman who be came a stay at home mama who didn't feel appreciated and....
you can deduce the rest.
She came clean to her husband (it is a long story, but basically the gig was up) and it is going awfully. She is devastated. My heart is breaking for her. Any thoughts on supporting someone through a mess of their own making?
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What a terrible situation. I would just try to be there for her and listen to her as she goes through this. Perhaps they can get some couples counseling and hopefully they can get past this.
My guess is that you are already being a great friend through this if you are asking this question! -
@Aimed: what is hard about this is that even though I know she was wrong, and she knows she was wrong, I still want to protect her from the fall out. I want it to just go away and leave her alone. Very mature, I know
And she truly is a great mom, way better than me, but that is all being tainted by this giant mistake.
Some people over eat, some people over drink, some people over procrastinate, and she kinda over sexes (I don't know what else to call it) , but with way worse consequences than, say, the over eater, you know? Just really sad. -
@lizzywiz: I think that is very understandable, she made a bad choice for sure, that doesn't mean she is a bad person. It sounds like she probably needs to do some work on herself to see why she did this, not making excuses for what she did, but if she doesn't work out what made her do this in the first place, then she will never really get past it, which isn't good for her future or the future of her marriage.
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Encourage her by being her friend and by urging her to make her family a priority. She probably wants to know that people won't abandon her because of this. Assure her you won't.
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It sound like you are being a great friend. I had a similar experience with a friend and I know it's a hard position to be in. Just continue to support her and let her know that you're not judging her and you're there for her. We're all human and we all make mistakes. We've all created messes for ourselves at one time or another. I hope your friend and her hubby can work it out, or if need be, split and find the happiness she is seeking.
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@78h2o: "We're all human and we all make mistakes. We've all created messes for ourselves at one time or another."
I might direct quote you in my next talk with her
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I think just by being there for her you are already being a great friend, I'm sure not everyone is being as supportive. Sometimes friends make the wrong decisions but as friends we have to learn to look past it because deep down we know they are good people. Good people make mistakes too, I hope they can move forward & mend their marriage.
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I would try to be as nuetral as possible and not impose what I think the solution should be. I would just act as a safe place for her to talk through scenarios or dump her emotions.
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Agree with others, just be there for her! You can disagree with her choices and still love her as a person and support her through a rough time. Especially because it seems like she realized the error of her ways and is trying to make things better.
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I read a great book about how to affair proof your marriage. It talks about basically that same situation where if your relationship doesn't have enough "points in the bank" your human nature is to gather that from somewhere else (aka an affair). It might be a good resource for her to look at. I think there is a chapter in the book about recovering from a mishap.
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I've been in this situation. My friends husband never found out, I'm the only person who knows and will ever know. I supported her wholeheartedly. She was so ashamed and it made her physically sick, they never had sex but did kiss once... but she was miserable with the intense emotional connection with this person. He met needs her husband wasn't meeting, which I can understand the desire for, but I just held her hand thru it. Made sure she knew I wasn't jumping ship because of her mistake. Maybe encourage her to do certain things that are out of the house so she feels like a need is met, if that's where this came from...?
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Thanks for the advice everybody!
I don't judge her at all. I haven't ever done this particular thing but I have definitely made equally bad choices.
The situation is a little weird in that there is no card or gift to send or standard protocol to follow- at the very least it would piss her husband off for me to send her 'hang in there' type stuff. He is, understandably, feeling that he is the one in need of sympathy.
So, I took you advice and I called and told her to call any time, day or night, and we can talk about whatever she wants and I am here for her whenever she needs me. It seemed to help.
Thanks!
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