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Oh hell no!! I don't think you're overreacting and even if others think so your loved ones should be supporting you. After you bore a child your husband should just be saying "yes dear!" I would be so pissed...
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WOW. I really want to junk punch your husband for you. First comment could have just been thoughtless, although it still would have stung for me also at 8 weeks postpartum. Not caring that you were upset by the comment, REPEATING the comment again at dinner, and then asking your sis for a massage when you had already asked him not to? Total asshole move, in my opinion. Whether or not he thinks you're being too sensitive (and hello, find me a postpartum woman who ISN'T sensitive, they're rare) neither of your requests were difficult to follow. He's not acting like your feelings are important to him at all.
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That comment in isolation would probably be OK with me, but given what you've said about your Sister and her interaction with DH it would bother me. Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel about he and your Sister spending time together? Maybe if he knew how you felt he may be more sensitive?
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@MamaMoose: When I said that, I was thinking about how I would feel at 8 weeks pp, with my sister not really respecting my wishes on dress code at my house AND given the fact that she felt that the relationship between the two of them was a bit inappropriate. It's just not something that I would want to deal with, so I would say "straighten up or leave," to the sister. Her husband was definitely out of line and I would have words for him too.
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Oh wow, he asked for a massage after being told explicitly not to? He would be in the doghouse for that.
The bigger issue to me, though, is that he even needs to be told. I don't have a sister but come on, that is inappropriate on so many levels.
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um, I would be seriously pissed. If this is stressing you out, tell your sister you need some time alone too. I would be livid about him commenting after you said something AND asking about the massage. Of course you are sensitive, you just had a baby!
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@anandam: well your sister working shifts for you at the coop is actually really nice, and it's definitely a good reason of her and your DH to be there at the same time.
But your husband asking for a massage from her after you asked him to is still yucks. I don't think legit massage therapy is sexual at all and one of my best girl friends is a massage therapist--but my husband has refused to ever go to her for a massage, he thinks it's weird. So my husband asking for a massage from a sister who doesn't dress appropriately (massage therapists do not show skin at all---my friend wears scrubs so it's not sending the wrong message to new clients) would rub me the wrong way.
Also, I have a sister who is mentally ill and she often wears clothes that are just completely inappropriate for public. At my LO's afternoon family backyard BBQ, where shorts and a t-shirt would have been fine, she came outside with a tiny minidress that was backless, had cutouts in the mid section, was low cut, and if course, she was not wearing a bra (and she has very large breasts). I just told her straight up it wasn't appropriate for a backyard BBQ and asked her to change and she did. But there have been many times where we just let her wear whatever if her mood has been off lately and calling her out on it will make the whole day worse. So I have been where you are on that front and understand that you have to pick your battles.
Hope you guys get it all worked out.
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I could see where the first time he said it, he was not referring to your postpartum body, but looking like someone who has gotten sleep, isn't frazzled, etc.
But here's the thing--you asked him not to repeat it, and he did. Then he asked for a massage when you requested him not to, and he did. That is maddening and disrespectful. Unless he's normally totally oblivious, I would think that he is dealing with some issues right now.
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I think the first comment was whatever, probably a little insensitive but just a stupid man comment, honest.
When he repeated and then asked her for a massage is when he f'ed up in my book.
As far as your sister, I don't think she's innocent as far as what she decides to wear and what she decides to flaunt around you/DH, but in this case I agree with those that say it is your DH at fault. Asking her to leave isn't going to fix the deeper issue.
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@MamaMoose: Exactly!
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Thank you, all! For honesty and support and clearheadedness and even for some male opinions!
DH and I managed a very productive conversation about it all and the underlying issues/insecurities, and made some progress. We both agree it's due time to return to counseling, too, which has been good for us in the past.
Love this community!
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Yikes. I think his first comment could have been one of those foot-in-mouth statements that he didn't really think how it would sound, but then he should have just said he didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Asking for a massage after you said it makes you uncomfortable? That just seems deliberate, like he was trying to get back at you. Talk about looking for a conflict! Not cool. I'm glad you had a good talk, and I think counseling is always a great idea for marriage "maintenance." Sometimes you just need an impartial third party to talk things out!
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I would be upset at my husband if he said that. Because post partum IS especially hard.
But I wouldn't solely put the blame on his insensitivity. I think as your SISTER, she should have also known where she needs to draw the line. Like if she knows how much it bothers you, she should have said .... yeah I didn't have a kid, but your wife gave you a beautiful healthy baby so she's awesome! AND she should have said that she doesn't do massages with family members bc that's just awkward.
I know if my sister felt awkward I would have said those things and she would have said the same. That would remind the husband he's out of line. I think because BOTH are participating in this makes it harder for you.
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I would be livid! First at his comment. But if you said he's been very very supportive and positive, then a slip up I guess you'd have to let go after a while.
BUT, in conjunction with this whole sister thing, he should know better than to irk you even more by going out with her! And she obviously isn't being considerate of you either. I am so sorry you have to deal with this! Would your parent(s) be able to say something?
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Hoooolly crap. First comment, eh.. men are men and sometimes don't filter properly
Second comment and asking for a massage??!? WHAT. WHAT.
Did she actually give him one?!
I think your sister sounds like bit of a boundaries-breaker, but you already knew that.. so can you be mad at her for being herself? She's disrespected your rules and she knows that you are uncomfortable with her giving him massages, so if she gave him one.. aw hell naw. If she didn't give him one, and was just dressed in her normal clothes and her normal flirty-ness..well, at least she's true to herself!
Your DH.. oh man. That's not an "oops! I'm sorry I said that" thing, that is a full-blown "screw you I want a massage from your hot sister regardless of what you have directly asked me not to do".
I would be angry. So, so deeply angry -- add being 8 weeks PP to that and I'd be on the next episode of Snapped.
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@anandam: I'm glad
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At 8 weeks PP my hormones were still crazy. I probably would have flipped out and cried. Not kidding. And they were both out of line. Your husband was being a jerk.
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i'm not saying that your husband meant all the things you perceive in his comments, but considering your body image issues he should be more sensitive. however i know a lot of guys are not as thoughtful about those things, so for just the comments i would try to give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him about it--he may not realize the message that he seems to be sending with those comments, which seem pretty insensitive.
however, combined with the request for the massage, which you specifically asked him not to do, he is out of line. way out of line.
ETA: just reread and realized that you had asked him not to make that comment. not cool that he did it a second time--that was *him* looking to make conflict.
but, also saw your update and so glad you guys had a good talk about it!
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Helllllz no. I'd be pissed for sure!
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