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I agree with @gingerbebe: that he is going through some internal struggles and projecting his issues onto you also. He has no right to make you feel inferior if you are currently happy and comfortable. However, it sounds like for the sake of your marriage you should meet him halfway and he should also meet you halfway. (I honestly think he needs therapy or counseling but that's off topic to be discussed elsewhere.) You are a grown woman, his partner, and he needs to respect your decisions.
There must be a style that is flattering on you as well as comfortable that he will be happy with. Good luck and hope you find a middle ground.
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A couple things I would think about:
In regards to appearance, I like the ideas other have posted on a personal shopper, pinning looks you like and asking your husband if the style is appealing to him. You could also look into services like Stitch Fix or Le Tote to have a personal shopping experience without having to go to the store. Also, rent the runway would be a great option if you want to try a fancy look for a date night without having to break the bank or commit long term. For your glasses situation, have you looked into LASIK? That way you could have reading glasses just for when you need them.
In regards to the more emotional impact I would be concerned about that this is having on you, your family and your marriage, I would consider:
1. Be very frank about how this is hurtful to you. Not that my husband would say these types of things, but when he really hurts me verbally (often unintentionally) if I directly tell him that, he gets it and feels bad. He's a guy after all and his delivery is often not on point.
2. I'm really concerned when you say you think this stems from his resentment over having a kid. Not ok and he needs to get to the bottom of that. He is a Dad now and he needs to come to terms with that. The damage that resentment could cause to your marriage and ultimately to your son's relationship with his father and overall well being is scary. I can't imaging anything worse than thinking one my parents didn't want me and resented my presence in their life. I think therapy solo and couples would be a good move for your marriage.Marriage and parenting are both hard so hopefully you will be able to work through this tough time.
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You requested no bashing, so know this is coming from a good place:
First of all ... any issues with your appearance and how it's being perceived are not your problem. It sounds like your husband has issues with control ... borderline verbal abuse. I think it's unacceptable for him to expect these things from you ... You're a working mom. That's not to say that you can't ever dress up (if you want to), but all of that just sits so poorly with me. I think he has some major issues that need to be addressed. I think couples counseling would be the first step.
I am a graphic designer & brand consultant too, and run my business from my home. I also don't get dressed up very often ... let alone put makeup on. Yet, my husband has never expressed a desire for me to "try harder" or get dressed up. Anytime I do put in effort, it's definitely noticed, but it's also done on my own accord.
You & I are not married to the same person, so it's hard to give advice ... This situation sounds like a nightmare, and I'm hoping that you have access to counseling. Maybe he has some identity issues he needs to work through (like the fact that he's buying you all of these feminine clothes ... projecting *something*).
Anything you do, I hope you do it for yourself ... not for him. Be a good mom, and work hard for yourself. We create our own happiness, and it's not fair that he's making you feel less than. Hugs!
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@gingerbebe: <<It sounds like your husband is going through a mid-life crisis and projecting the discontent he feels about his own life on you. We often say that our spouse/partner is a reflection of who we are and so it sounds like he's projecting what he wants for himself onto you as his public reflection. Having a hot, cool wife means he's a hot, cool husband. Or whatever.>>
Yep. This. I think this is a "him issue" and NOT a "you issue" whatsoever. But it's still really not fair how he's acting.
Do you think he would be open to seeing a couples counselor? I think that might help you communicate about what is really going on. I don't think he means anything bad by what he is doing but it is hurtful.
Communication in a relationship is really hard. I have learned that sometimes it is better to just "shelve" something until you can get with your counselor and parse it out constructively.
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So sorry for my delayed reply but between the "blizzard" we had and the weekends I didn't have the time. I read every post and I want to say thank you again! I apologize I can't reply individually... so many good thoughts! Just some short reply to a few :
@travellingbee: Yes I am with you... he's just trying to tell me that he is really not geling with my looks, he's a guy and doesn't know how to do it well. Is that nice and sensitive? No. But he's just being a (idiotic) man.
@youboots: You know, I think if I dress like you he would be fine! He is basically upset I was not wearing something that is form flattering from head to toe. If I wear a sweater with leggings he'd be fine. I think. For dress I actually am not sure about his criteria. And we don't have time or budget for date nights for now
@T.H.O.U.: Those are such great suggestions! And yes. yours and @looch: pointed out something I haven't thought about. Maybe he is just trying to convey to me that my look is dated but he didn't know that that's what he is trying to tell me. Since I don't really look at the mirror anymore before heading out (sad but true) and he is always seeing me and maybe that's part of what's bothering him. Thank you so much!! This made so much sense.
@JoJoGirl: Hehe, thank you for sharing your recent episode
@edelweiss: please no worries my dear! xoxo
@ShootingStar: Thanks for sharing your thoughts! We just seriously no longer have time to go shopping anymore with a really high energy preschooler.... and I don't feel like hiring a baby sitter just so we can go to nordstrom and get a personal shopper... ah! Sometimes I wish we had family around.
@catomd00: I agree with the double standard! If a wife/girlfriend complain about the man's style it seems to be a lot more socially acceptable than when it happens the other way around. That's why I really want to try to step it up.. And well, no he didn't "force" me to dress in what he buys, just that it builds up and he gets really really upset at one point if I haven't been wearing what he bought (which are supposed to be nicer than what I bought for myself, in his perspective).
@looch: You can get your body back too! I didn't think I could do it but it was months of convincing myself that it can be done. I do slip on the "watching what I eat" part every weekend though. Argh. And thanks again for the "dated" point!! Very good point.
@gingerbebe: Yes he is going through midlife crisis...! I know what he's going through which I did list some on my first reply and then more that I just can't type it all out here... and no one would care anyway
@LibbyLou: Thanks for the adice! Good point about wedge boot ! And thanks
@Anagram: Oh boy, I wouldn't spend that much money for a pair of flats (or honestly, any shoes to be honest!!) hehe! But wow, good to know they actually make flats!
And to answer your question. NO HE DOES NOT HAVE A ROCKING BODY hahahaha. He is no brad pitt or Ryan Gosling! Both of us look more like we are in our 30s rather than pass 40, that's for sure. So I would say we look good for our age.
@Pumpkin Pie: Thank you for your notes! No he's not "aggressive", just that he's upset. I guess you could say passive aggressive. He is upset that I am not dressed up more when I still can (before we are really all old and wrinkly)
Thank you all again! Funny to say, out of the 3 skinny jeans he bought me, after I posted here and hearing everyone's thoughts and remembering what my shrink said (not gonna elaborate), I decided to keep one and return two of them. I picked one that I am going to keep and put it on and went outside. I actually saw myself in the mirror and I actually do look very good lol. And I did pay more attention to other women wearing them, and it is not as weird as I thought (you know how there are always these facebook posts saying how women wear super tight leggings and pretend they were pants, turns out it looked like they didn't wear any pants at all. I was so fearful I'd look like them, but in reality not everyone looks like that). So OK. Maybe I should be more open to skinny jeans/leggings even though I hate how tight they are...
Thank you thank you !
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Honestly, I would have no patience for this. I would simultaneously try to understand the core issue while shutting down the parts of the discussion that make me feel bad about my appearance. I'd be happy to help him work through his issue, but not at my own expense.
This is a little different, but my husband hates when I wear makeup. I barely wear any, but I essentially tell him to f*** off when he complains about it or comments on it. And I don't change my behavior. (By the way, we are taking about a little concealer, bronzing powder and eye liner. He just hates makeup.)
I would consider retiring clothes from my wardrobe that he doesn't like if he explained why in a polite and caring way. But if he's going to buy clothes that you don't like, then he needs to listen to why you dislike them and modify his choices accordingly.
I would also give him a deadline to return stuff I don't like. After that it would get donated.
And I would definitely balk at complaints about how I look at drop off compared to the other moms. It's one thing for him to want to fee attracted to you. But who cares how I compare to other people? At that point in the conversation I would tell him to go marry one of those women, then. (My husband is pretty feminist, though, and would probably think that is a funny retort.)
I look like crap now compared to a few years ago. I need to lose about 15 lbs. My breasts are not as perky, I have muffin top, and my stomach is covered in stretch marks. I know these things. I hate them. I am trying to small things to address them. But I have a full time job and a toddler, so it's hard to prioritize vanity. I am hard enough on myself about these issues. I don't need anyone else piling into that.
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