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Solidarity. No idea how to tackle it. I am honest about my struggles to improve diet / include exercise, but I've lost 30-33 of 40lbs, both times, and he has gained about 10 lbs each year of kids (so, a gain of 40 total.) He at least admits the gain and wishes he could lose it, but doesn't want to change his diet and works 3 jobs sooo no time for exercise

I would pose it as a health thing. Even if the doctor didn’t mention anything, that’s a very significant weight gain over 9 months. Once you’re on that trajectory it’s really hard to go back. I definitely know a few people who think they’ll lose the weight when the kids are a little older but by that time you’re older too and the weight is harder to loose. Anyway, I’d say you’re concerned that his weight gain will impact his ability to run around with the kids, and that it could result in diabetes or heart disease and you want him to be around for the kids.

@MrsADS: Its totally worth a shot! For the record, my husband has never been on a diet and you could have knocked me over with a feather when he said he wanted to do it. it's seriously so manageable.

Haven't read all the responses. I was a bit concerned about this, mostly from a health perspective. I have seen too many family members have serious health issues due to not managing their weight well. I asked my husband what he was drinking at work, turned out he was having coffees with lots of added calories to cope with the extra sleep deprivation since LO. He started drinking black and it has helped. Maybe you've already tried the obvious, but perhaps there are easy switches he'd be on board with that don't require completing changing his lifestyle?

So even if food is what is causing his weight gain, you can still enter through the 'fitness for health' door. Beachbody.com has great online workouts -with many that are appealing to both men/women. (I'm not a coach but once in awhile my husband and I have done workouts online. There are free samples.) Once, he commits to a fitness change, the other things like diet and lifestyle snowball from there. You'll want to eat nutritiously to fuel the workouts. Does he like tech or visuals- he can follow a lot of instagrammers with fitness ideas or maybe a family guy who has a show or blog.
My main battle is to be the sole grocery shopper. If I put healthy food in the house, those are our only choices. Also, committing to a short go-to list of healthy eat out options. My husband is average build but several overweight relatives.
We still occasionally struggle to maintain a fitness discipline and eat healthy. Making it into an 'adventure in learning' is more fun than a sink or swim situation. The goal is encouraging BOTH of you to learn about your health and then taking charge. So although not quite solidarity (I lean toward being attracted to the inside and put on nice mood lighting) or moving past it (your feelings matter and you can do something about it), but some concrete actions and perspective to inspire you.

You're not terrible and I'm sure many are in the same boat (like me!). I try to make eating healthy and working out a top priority - I don't care if my house is a little messier than usual if I get my workout in. My husband doesn't feel the same way.

I find my husband does best when we're doing a workout program/diet together. Like, we did Whole30 together a couple years ago and we'll do Beachbody programs together. He really struggles when I'm pregnant because I'm not as diligent with my food choices and he obviously doesn't want to do prenatal workouts with me.

We had a similar problem when we were engaged. DH felt entitled to a nice lunch out with coworkers, but it added so much time to his day and calories. After we got married, he switched jobs to where he can't eat out. I started doubling our dinner recipe and we both bring leftovers to work. It takes literally a minute to do. We just plate up dinner into a Pyrex. That simple change has caused him to lose weight and save so much time and money. Is it something you're open to trying for a month?

Not exactly the same, but I commiserate about DHs not taking care of themselves. My DH is wonderful, but he's not careful about taking care of his appearance. He gets crazy long eyebrow hairs, let's his hair get way too long (and not in a good way), and sometimes wears clothes to work that seem a little ratty. And he's in a profession that's very appearance conscious. I think my issue (and maybe related to yours) is that it impacts my attraction to him partly because I feel like I put forth an effort to look nice for him when I can, but I don't think this is reciprocated. And it makes me feel like he doesn't value the romance in our relationship.
Also, he eats like a 5 year old. Like, almost no veggies, a little fruit when I encourage it, but mostly carbs, meat, and cheese. But he's still thin and in good health (which is infuriating of course ). I'm glad he's healthy and doesn't have to worry about gaining weight, but it limits my arguments about why he should eat better.

My situation is not the same.... My DH has a very bad relationship with food/dieting/exercise. He goes from one extreme to the other. He'll be healthy and work out and drop 50-70 lbs and then within a few months he'll go right back to being unhealthy and put the weight back on. Luckily for him, I guess it doesn't bother me, meaning it doesn't make me less attracted to him or anything and I know he struggles with it so I seldom mention it or bring it up. He knows** so I dont' need to add to it.

With all that said.. He probably feels how you feel about me though I don't exercise or really eat healthy. I don't eat horrifically and I do try to keep myself in check but if he asks me to do keto or paleo, I refuse... I just can't. I have had 2 kids and I am probably 20+ lbs up from when we met and 10 lbs up from what I was prior to LO2 so I have work I could do.... but for now I am just surviving and I know and I don't appreciate it when DH says anything bc 1. I don't say stuff to him and 2. bc as I said I am aware I don't need him telling me......

So no real advice, sorry, but I guess just letting you know that you are not alone and I think you know your DH best and you'd know whether saying something or maybe trying to work out together or another option would work best for your husband. Unless, he's like me and is aware of it and is just accepting it for now.....

When I graduated from college, I sat at the office near these middle aged women who were always talking about how "my husband forgot the kids at soccer again," or "OMG - you won't believe what he put in his mouth this weekend," "after begging for a year I finally got him to go to a checkup, and holy shit, his cholesterol." At the time it seemed like a pretty blech existence - and even talked to my then boyfriend (now DH) about how miserable it seemed - but now I totally get it. Like, I feel this is me, though I don't explicitly complain except anonymously here occasionally. I think it's a sign that I've arrived at middle age. And I don't see our situation improving unless DH decides to take a less stressful job or lower his standards a bit about what he can achieve at work, and I don't know if it will happen...

@LCTBQE: I think you're exactly right, but it's a question of what's systematic and unfair, and what the situation that needs to be delt with is. Systematically, yes, this is how it usually works. In practical terms, however, it doesn't matter if the tables were reversed, this particular situation has the OP wondering how to deal with her frustrations and disappointment. Big picture, maybe her husband or any of ours' wouldn't give a flip if the tables were turned, but that doesn't help the OP manage her feelings and the situation she's dealing with.

@MrsADS: I say be honest with him. I'm in a similar situation where DH has gradually gained weight during our marriage and 3 kids and I always lose a lot of the baby weight quickly after. Its something we have talked about many times over the years and he goes through spurts of working on it and then falls off. I am honest with him about it and also about my own body goals. I always suggest things we can do together but the reality of our busy schedules makes it hard

@MrsADS: I totally resonate with your frustration. Years of great therapy helped me figure out that there is only so much I can control, and unfortunately the systematic issues aren't within my control as far as I've been able to figure out (barring divorce, which I'm not quite ready to head toward). I try to focus on what I can control much as I can, so for us that's been talking to my husband about taking on more of the *actual* work, so that the mental+actual workload feels a little less burdensom. But in full transparency, knowing that not only am I carrying all the mental load for the family but also taking responsibility for a human who needs that (the kid) and a human who shouldn't (the husband) does lead me down into resentment regularly. Haven't found solutions that one that either. *hugs*

I have read threads in other places where the situation is reversed--a husband who doesn't like his wife's weight gain. And generally the advice is that you can't make a person lose weight, they have to want it, and plus people (and I would put myself in this category) get really defensive about weight.

And by the way, losing weight isn't easy--I'm actually surprised so many people are saying this is all totally within his control and he should just do it quickly, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. As a person who is about 40 lbs over what I was before kids, and who has done several diets and "lifestyle changes" and has been up and down the scale the last 5 years....there's just so much research to show that once a person has been up to a certain weight, their body will do anything to return to that "set weight". Researchers have tracked people who have lost weight, and most were back up to their high weight 5 years later. And those that weren't had to eat fewer calories a day to maintain a certain weight than a person who had always been that weight without a gain.

In any case, losing weight it hard. I would be less than thrilled if my husband were unhappy with my weight and told me he was less attracted to me now. Even if that were true, I would need a solution--like an offer to take over a lot more duties from me so I have time and energy to work out and cook everything from scratch/source different ingredients, or a whole bunch of money so I can outsource the food prep or hire a personal trainer PLUS the money for a babysitter while I do all those things. But the reality is, he can't take on any more in our house himself--he also works a demanding job and is already involved with our kids at home, and there are only so many hours of the day. And we can't really afford a diet meal service or a bunch of extra babysitting hours. And I just can't have one more big thing on my plate right now.

I think statistically it's probably more likely to have a wife that has gained weight after having kids, even if that isn't evident on this thread, haha. But I think most of the time, the men are advised to look for qualities other than physical looks when loving their wife, since aging and body changes happen in the course of a long marriage.

Health is another facet, but I don't know if him being healthier but not losing weight would increase your attraction-- would it? My husband is not overweight at all, and he has elevated cholesterol and blood pressure. I am overweight now, and I don't have elevated cholesterol or blood pressure. So...who is the unhealthy one?

And attraction in a marriage is an interesting thing anyway. My mom friends talk about this a fair amount and almost everyone has way less sexy time now than before kids. And these are couples with varying levels of fitness--in some cases, both spouses are super fit, and they are still less attracted/less romantic. It seems more like the weight and energy of just having kids kills a lot of the romance. But I'm just speculating.