My husband works out of state so he travels to the site and stays there for the week... This means I only see him on weekends. While I know it could be worse, it still sucks. I know there are others here that also are away from their husbands quite a bit, what do you all do to stay sane? And for those with children, how is this affecting them?
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i wouldn't be able to survive without mr. bee! he does so much charlie care, i'd go bonkers if i were alone and would probably get a live-in nanny. how do you do it???
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My parents did this. My Dad worked in New Jersey during the week and came home to Maryland on Friday night. He and Mom talked - but not every night. Sometimes she would be tired, or he would be. She tried to talk to him about more things than just complaints (like "your daughter did this" or "your son did this"). She said it helped to keep things positive and to keep big discussions until they were together on the weekends.
That was also before Email, text, chat, cell phones and unlimited long distance so, that made a difference, too. I'd say just make sure you're doing your best to keep each other up to date with what you're doing, what the kids are doing and then make sure to spend time together when you see each other. It's hard, but it is so doable! My parents have been together for 38 years. When they retired, they thought they wouldn't be able to live together, but they made it work. You can too!
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My husband is in Europe and Japan two weeks out of every month. I've gotten used to it I suppose as its been this way for four years but it's still very difficult. We skype a lot and Liam loves to talk on the phone with his daddy. I was looking into renting a flat there for the summer so Liam and I could stay with him there but.....I got pregnant haha so that didn't pan out. Mostly we just miss him and think about him a lot and count down the days each month until he comes home
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My husband doesn't travel for work but he leaves for work before LO wakes up and he comes home after I've put her to bed so essentially, he sees our daughter on the weekends only or for mere minutes before/after work if her wakeup/sleep time is varied. LO is only 4 months old but I think she can sense something. The hubs has taken a week of work to spend time at home and on Monday morning, LO looked at him and seemed confused as if to say, "Hey, what are YOU doing here??"
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There's no way to say how much my husband is actually gone. Right now, he's on a 5 month deployment. When he gets back from that he should have a LONG time before he goes on a deployment that long again, but he'll be gone for workups. Workups USUALLY aren't longer than a month (since after a Sailor is gone for a month they start getting separation pay and the Navy is cheap, lol) but you never know how often they will be. Some squadrons could be gone every other month. Some will go almost a year without leaving. Not knowing when he'll be gone is actually the hardest part for me personally.
I try not to think about it. Living on base makes it easier since EVERYONE here is going through the same thing so everyone is super supportive. I'd be lying if I said it isn't hard; when I need to cry, I just cry. I just focus on the fact that what he's doing isn't just what's best for our family, it's what's best for our country, which is comforting.
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@Rubies: "LO looked at him and seemed confused as if to say, "Hey, what are YOU doing here??"" - that's adorable and hilarious, but sad at the same time!
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My husband is an Air Force bomb technician. His job is special ops and there is no telling when he'll get called out. He gets deployed for 6 months (minimum) of every year and when he is home, he can get called away last minute on special missions. Sometimes he knows where what's going on... sometimes they put him on a plane and don't tell us what's going on, where he's going or how long he's going for. It's the nature of the beast though. *shrug* I knew what I was getting myself into.
For me, I learned not to ask lots of questions when he's gone. It gives me a small bit of piece of mind not to know about what horrible thing he saw or what violence happened. I know it's a reality, but I can't dwell on that part of it. As for communication, we skype a lot, we talk on the phone and we write letters and send packages. Really, the best thing I do for myself is to stay busy though. It helps that his career field is very small and tight-knit. The other spouses are wonderful and the EOD family really takes care of their own.
As for the kids thing, I'll let you know after this one is born. All I can say is thank god she will only be 2 when DH gets out. He is getting deployed only a couple months after her birth and I am so sad for him that he is going to miss most of his daughter's first year. He was scheduled to miss her birth completely, but one of the guys in his unit volunteered to take his deployment so he could be here.
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@zippylef: How long has your husband been in?
DH's 9 year Navy "birthday" is actually coming up. We plan on staying in (God willing) for the full 20 so we get retirement benefits so our kids will actually grow up with the military lifestyle. Our oldest will be 11 (at a minimum - if we're close to a promotion we'll stay in past 20 years to get a bigger retirement package) when we're finally civilians again...
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Wow, so many mamas with DH's away!
My DH is a surgery resident and works 80-100 hrs a week depending on the week. Currently, he is working nights - goes in at 5:30 p.m. and gets home to sleep at 8:00 a.m. We see each other on the weekend only right now (and not Sunday evenings). I'm used to it, but honestly have no idea what we're going to do when the baby arrives. When the baby is born, it should be a little better, but not completely. Life will always kind of be this way...our plan is to live close to family and I'll likely cut back at work in a few years.
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@Navy_Mommy: He's been in 2 1/2 years. His 3 year "anniversary" will be March, so we're nearing on 3 years. He signed a 4 year contract, but we had to extend to get the assignment to the UK. It made his enlistment more like 5 years instead. He flip-flops about re-enlisting since his bonus is fatty, but I think he's decided not to for sure this time. He gets to test for NCO rank twice before his enlistment is up, so we'll see how he feels if he makes it.
He was a late-comer to the military since he didn't join until 21.
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@Winniebee I was a resident when I met my husband and it kicked my @#$!!! I was taking out a fortune in school loans and working more than sleeping. It was perfect when I met my husband because he was only in the country for a couple of weeks a month so he understood my crazy schedule. I don't know how women do it with kids. The hours are just totally killer. Is he looking to get into something with more luxurious hours or is he going for something on call?
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@zippylef: My husband was 21 when he enlisted! He actually still has 5 years left on this contract, but like I said, our plan is to do the full 20. I'm not sure if the air force promotion system is the same, although I assume it is, but DH just missed his promotion to Petty Officer First Class by 15 points on the advancement exam. And promotions are at a record low; they only promoted the top 7% - if they had kept it at least 8% we would have been promoted 8-( It was disappointing, but we're pretty sure he'll get it next time. A first class pay check would be REALLY helpful with a baby...lol
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@Navy_Mommy: The system works the same, although the Air Force promotes slower than the other branches from what I understand. DH would be testing to an E-5, which is Staff Sergeant for us and I guess is the equivalent of what your DH is currently. He JUST got his E-4 promotion 6 months early and I totally hear you about the pay raise. lol. Every little bit helps. I kind of want DH to re-enlist just once, get his huge bonus and make his 7 level because he can get a massively high paying job doing the same stuff on a civilian level that he is already doing for the military. He needs 8 years time in service and his 7 level though.
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@zippylef: If he's already an E4 I don't think the air force promotes slower than other branches - all of the E5s I know in the Navy have been in 8+ years!!! Then again, they're all in the general field that DH is in and it's a pretty popular field (aviation mechanics) so people move up slower. A lot of AM2s that we know (which is DHs exact rate) have been in 10 years already.
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DH and I were just talking about this. He was thinking of taking a job in a different state and working 2 wks on, 2 wks off. I really don't know if I could do it without him! We have only spent 3 nights away from each other since starting to live together!
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We actually made huge changes in our lives to stop exactly this. I opened my own business and DH switched to working 2nd shift for now. So we all get to spend mornings together until about 2pm for now. LO starts kindergarten next year in the mornings but will still get a couple hours with Dad when he gets home. I tend to work a lot of weekend nights with my business, but we still spend plenty of time together.
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@Navy_Mommy: Ah okay. DH works around mostly Army and Marines when he's around other branches and I know they promote faster. I'm not terribly familiar with the Navy, to be honest. He has a certain amount of time in rank to complete before he can test for E-5, so it's going to be a while before he can do it. He came in as an E-2 because of college credits and then got a special thing called Below the Zone, which allowed him to promote to E-4 6 months sooner so he has moved up a little more quickly than he should have.
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@zippylef: Yeah, DH was JUST able to test for E6 for the first time, that was in August so like 4 months before he hit 9 years. I know the guys on subs promote faster, cuz no one wants to be on a sub, lol, and guys in other less desirable fields promote quickly. DH wanted to go on air crew (so he would actually be flying, not just working on jets on the ground/on the boat) which is SO popular he probably wouldn't have reached E6 for a few years.
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@Navy_Mommy: Hmmm. I didn't know that the promotion rates varied like that. I don't know if the Air Force does that or not. I know that his early promotion was easier for him to get because of some of the things he has done related to his field that he was able to put on the application though.
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We are frequently away from each other because of work. We make it a point to talk every day to each other, even if some days we can't get much more than "I was just calling to tell you I love you." It can be hard, and TTC can be more difficult if we are way from each other during primo TTC time (like this past month when he had to leave before I ovulated). I also work frequently out of town so it's not so bad with both of us occupied as we are. However, once I am pregnant and need to stay home I feel it will be very different. We will just have to take it one circumstance at a time.
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@zippylef: The percent that they promote is by rate. Since there are so many AMs, for example, there's a lot more people testing to get promoted. Plus, the less popular rates have been promoting higher percentages in an attempt to a) fill spots (obviously) and b) try to attract more people.
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My husband doesn't travel for work but he works alot. He usually works 6 days a week, is gone from 7:30 in the morning to about 10 at night. During holidays, he's busier (he works for a hotel). Fortunately, we can text each other throughout the day and the hotel is only 15 minutes from where we live, so if there is anything, I can always stop by to see him. I know some of his employees' families live in a completely different city and they only go home to see them on their off days. That seems to be common practice here in Japan. Many of the wives live close to their parents or the husbands' parents, so they get help that way but it still must be really hard.
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@ecogirl: He's an ortho surgery resident and is just now applying for sports medicine fellowships (which ultimately will be a more quiet life down the road). Next year (June 2012-June 2013) is his last year of residency (5 years) and then he'll do a 1 year fellowship, and then hopefully life will be more calm. Maybe baby #2 by then : ) What's your specialty? I don't know how female doctors do it in general with kids!!
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My husband has a non-existent work schedule where he is on call 24 hours a day/365 days a year. The railroad doesn't recognize weekends or holidays. Every day is a Monday for him. There is literally no way to plan anything involving my husband. We schedule things and hope he can make it. There's no knowing that my husband will be home every Thursday to tuck the kids in or wake up with them on Saturday. There's no way I can promise my (future) kids that Daddy will be at their soccer game or their birthday party. Even if he schedules a vacation day there's no promising..he can schedule the time off to start at midnight but if he gets called for a train at 11:59 pm he has to take it or he gets in trouble.
It's certainly a different lifestyle and most don't understand why we can't commit to plans but there are also great things about his job that my kids will enjoy so it's a toss up. I really struggle with thinking about our future kids and how much he will miss. The good thing is that sometimes he's not busy. Like last Christmas for example, he didn't work for 8 days straight because there weren't many trains running. He got paid for every one of those days and they didn't take any vacation time.
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@eeh: That sounds so hectic!! We have a similar problem with my DH who is on call quite a bit. We make plans and say he plans to be there or hopes to, but then sometimes it just doesn't work out. It's hard living life in limbo.
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@winnibee: it sure is. I always joke that I'm so type A and had my entire life planned out and live my schedules so God laughed at me and led me to my husband as punishment.
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@Winniebee it was oncology but I haven't worked in three years after having my Liam
I miss it sometimes but not the craziness and heartbreak! I hope things calm down for you both @Eeh My Dad worked for the railroad and it was the same way! What a tough life!
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My husband is away for 4-6 weeks at a time,
this summer was particularly hard because I was unemployed at the time, and had no outside outlet, and therefore nothing interesting to talk about on the phone at night.
Right now while work tires me, it also gives me stories to tell and a way to focus my mind on other things during the day.
I read a lot!
And I comment on social networks and blogs alot too.
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@MrsD Yes, I don't work at the hospital anymore but I do volunteer at a few places and take some classes too. I also feel like it gives me focus and rounds me out as a person. I guess I think its good to recall the woman you are as well as the mommy you've become.
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DH is a consultant so he is travelling every Monday through Thursday. It can be hard sometimes but I honestly don't feel like it is as bad as those on the outside think it must be. We make a point to talk on the phone pretty much every night, even if it is only for 5 minutes and we work to make the most of our weekends.
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DH is Military, I was too. Now that I am no longer in its much easier. Was SOooo not fun when our deployements overlap and what not. But if not for my injury i would still be in. LOVED IT! He hits his 12 year mark soon and up for Chief (E-7) for the first time here soon. He is Aircrew but was a maintainer before (AT) Prob just a few that will understand all that. But yeah. Its hard, but like I said, easier now with me out. The type of squadron my DH is in is a little different, they typically deploy and are gone for more that half the year, 2-4 months at a time, then back for a month, two if your lucky then back out. DH did 6 years at his last Sea Duty command (duty where he deploys) and over that 6 years was gone 54% of that 6 yrs. Now he is on Shore duty instructing so its a VERY nice break having him home and not deploying.
Its hard on his daughter, she does not understand, and his ex does not help with this and will just tell her "You cant see him, not this weekend, or just NO etc..." and does not help explain where he is or why. Now that she is older we sit her down our last weekend with her before he leaves and he gets on all his "funny gear" and we pull out the world globe and show her where we are and where Daddy will be and talk about it, and how long is will probably be. -
@rescuemom10 What a wonderful way to handle that!
And thank you to all of the military husbands here (and wives!) for sacrificing so much to keep us all safe and free!
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My husband is also a consultant who travels Mon-Thurs. It's hard and I miss him when he is gone, especially because we moved to a new town not too long ago and I still don't know too many people. I've gotten pretty used to it though and we talk every night on the phone. But I do worry about what we'd do if I got pregnant and had a baby.... most consultant's wives seem to be stay at home moms but I want to keep my job, but just don't see how I could juggle it all alone. Really wish that I had some family closer!
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@hopeful: I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm also in a new town with not many friends and all my family is far away. It would be much more comforting to have some family close by to help out if needed. I hope I can figure out the best way to make it work when we have a baby and DH is away for work and I'm home alone with LO for a month. It makes me a little nervous TTC thinking about it..
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@tejbee: I'm in the same boat; my family is on the other side of the country. I'm actually terrified I'll go into labor early I'd be completely alone since my husband won't be back from deployment until I'm about 35 weeks along and it isn't exactly a quick trip to get from Massachusetts to California so God only knows how long it would take for my family to get here.
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@Navy Mommy- fingers totally crossed for you. So awesome to hear that he should be back in time for baby though. So sad when the Daddy's cant be there and are deployed. : (
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