Hellobee Boards

I didn't vote because I'm not sure any of your poll answers are 'the' answer.
It does sound like a very difficult situation and you have done very well in that you put yourself out there and made friends in an unfamiliar place.
It is very reasonable to want your own apartment as a married couple, with your own space. You have every right to be pissed if he sabotaged that.
I think you do need to be firm, set a date on to when you want your own apartment as a couple, and if he can't make that happen, then maybe leaving is your only option. Would you go back to New York or?
ETA: I absolutely wouldn't bring kids into this situation.

I'm so very sorry that you are in this situation. I think you are very wise to be questioning and trying to figure out what you need to be happy, at least the things you can control. It also sounds like you have a lot going on both personally and professionally.
I personally could not have been the mom and student that I wanted to be while in grad school. I am THRILLED that I waited until I was done with my PhD and post-doc before we had our 1st (for reference, I was 36 when he was born).

Let me preface this by saying that I am not married to an Italian, but this sounds like some profound cultural differences that you may or may not be able to work through together. The proximity to his family (and the virtual co-habitation) do not help, but you are also so outnumbered where you are. My DH's family is European. They live in the US, but it's a different cultural dynamic from my family. They are almost (this is not the right word, but I don't know what is), co-dependent. It's not "you take care of yourself" it's more "I'll do this for you and you do this for me and of course you'll drop everything when I need you because we are family but I expect the same" A close friend (who is from Portugal) noticed this dynamic and she sat me down years ago and told me "he is European. He may be American, but he was raised European and his parents will ALWAYS rank as high as you. You have to decide if you can live with that"
I can, but the best thing we ever did was move 1/2 way across the county when we first got married. I forced us to rely on each other and only each other.

I don't know if that's your situation or not, but I think there are some issues at play that you are going to have to decide if you can live with. Do you have any local or expat friends who might be able to open up to? Anyone who might know how to get through to him? Or tell you if this is so typical that you'll just have to live with this forever?

I wish you luck. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for!

From just this snippet of detail, it sounds like you want very different things in life. He wants nothing more but than to be near his family, let his mom take care of him, and have fun all day. You want a career, and an apartment, and a nuclear family of your own. You have given up and changed everything for him and he hasn't done anything for you.

These are fundamental differences and I would be very alarmed that he's not even open to discussing your feelings or acknowledging the ways that his wants have influenced your feelings. I'm interested to know how you met and how much time you spent together and where before you were married. Did he do a complete 180 after marriage, or did you know the situation going in?

On the flip side. I think it's completely unreasonable of you to only agree to see one member of his family every two weeks and to hide in your room like a child when they come to visit. I understand that your feelings are hurt and that you are not feeling validated by your husband, but it sounds like you are asking him to give up everything because you did. In reality, you two need to come to some sort of compromise to even have a chance of working it out.

I didn't vote in the poll; I don't really think that I, as an internet stranger, have any idea what is best for your relationship. I also agree that maybe you're not in the right place on the internet for these questions, but maybe you don't know where else to go (I honestly do not either). If you take nothing else from my comment, though, take this away: DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS SITUATION IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH HIS FAMILY DYNAMIC AND HE IS UNWILLING TO CHANGE IT.

Do you WANT this relationship to move forward? If he did everything that you are asking, would he still be the man you married and fell in love with? I don't think that this is necessarily a "betrayal", as you phrased it, but he is obviously not prioritizing the things that you are. There is some miscommunication going on, from both sides, and I think you, as a couple, need to sit down and figure out where to go from here. As in, what is he not willing to move on, what are you not willing to move on, etc.

There sounds like there is a HUGE cultural difference between what you both expect of each other. I sincerely encourage you to think about this from his perspective, and how he might have written this post. You haven't really talked about HIS feelings at all, other than to imply that he's under-employed (in your opinion), spoiled and living off of Mama, and completely enmeshed with his family. I defer back to there perhaps being major cultural differences on the latter 2 points, and would suggest that while you cannot control the first, you need to decide if that is your hill to die on.

Moral of the story: Talking with your partner is in order here. I don't think wanting your own apartment/space is being ridiculous or over-dramatic, but he may want something else. Good luck, truly, for however it works out.

@stuckinitaly: I did not meant to imply that I thought you were belittling his employment, so I SINCERELY apologize if it came off that way.

I termed it under-employed, though, based on the way you juxtaposed your career vs his in the first paragraph. Honestly, that is probably just the difference of reading it vs. hearing it, and I absolutely could have been making assumptions based on phrasing.

@stuckinitaly: It’s hard to judge someone else’s relationship but NONE of this would be ok with me. Regardless if you’ve told your spouse how you feel repeatedly and he has done nothing to change it, I’d walk. He sounds like he is hugely babied and not interested in taking someone else’s needs and desires into account.
Good luck bee.

the fact that you came here looking for answers says everything IMO - GET OUT..

@stuckinitaly: Sorry that you are in such a tough situation. I am married to a Northern Italian and we spent the first few years of our marriage in his hometown. Fortunately we were on our own (we were a bit older than where you are now), but I had similar issues with just the isolation, cultural differences and marital challenges. Due to so many cultural stereotypes about life in Italy and Italian mates, one of the hardest things about having my US family and friends provide support is that they couldn’t understand why I would be miserable. Looking back, I could see a few more ways that I might have handled things differently, but I think it was overall just a challenging culture for me professionally and relationally.

After almost 10 years and a move back to the US, I can also say that it is still a challenging marriage. Moving here helped break through the major discomfort he had about seeking therapy (he still is uncomfortable but goes when he understands it’s vital). There are a lot more details that I don’t care to share but, to your issues, I would at 28 just focus on what is going to get me back to a sane, healthy self and delay the baby-making with this partner for a good long while. As another person said, you have time.

@stuckinitaly: Let's see. Good question and I had to think about that a little. I still might not have good answers here.

- I think I didn't reach out for help or know where to get it. I would have found an online therapist to help me out -- someone from my culture. I definitely had culture shock (felt like depression) and that colored my ability to deal with all of the challenges. As a result, I felt really frozen in my new world for about a year or two.
- A Hellobee-type community where I could interact with supportive people would have been good. (This community IS very supportive and not everyone is making babies right now, so you are welcome to stay! For me at that time in my life, I probably would have not joined here because I was definitely not into the idea of having a child where I was.)
- I was in an expat group but not very active. Probably would have done more of that and pushed past by shyness. I think I just tried to shoulder too much when I didn't need to.
- I wish I had more readily realized the small things that helped me warm up to the culture. Like getting a dog. That helped me and us (and my language skills) tremendously. I made friends that way -- people that I actually still like. I found a lot of shared humanity in other dog owners in my community, so it made me feel less isolated.
- I would have liked to have found a few more touchpoints like the dog thing. As I am sitting hear, I can't think of what else I would have pursued where I could feel completely myself and not like a foreigner. Maybe yoga.
- I never worked in my profession and that always made me feel crappy. It was just so competitive and I felt bad about my language skills for most of the time that I was there. I would have probably pushed myself harder to find something at least somewhat relevant. Not because I paid for it later on professionally, but I just think it would have helped immerse me...helped me feel more in my element. On this side of things, I can think of a few related jobs that I didn't consider pursuing then.

Anyway, hindsight being 20/20 and all that, you can only do what you can. My husband didn't help me at all. Not because he was malicious but he had never left home before to know what that means. When he moved here, we were living in a new state and I knew no one either -- no nearby family and friends. I found it exciting to explore a new place with him and he felt depressed. And then soon after, he felt better after getting a full-time job in his profession and never really turned back. Six years later, he is coping better than I did in his country, but he's a vastly different person. From my perspective, there is more equal sharing of "life's burdens" (for a lack of a better way to say it!) in how we are faring in our US life than when we lived in Italy.