Hi there, thanks in advance for taking time to read and respond. It means a lot.

I moved from New York City to Turin, Italy on January 18, 2018. I’m 28, consulting business owner and Ph.D. candidate. My husband is 33 has been waiting tables and is now at a month-long yoga teacher training. I want to have a baby and start a family, but I don’t feel safe to do that with him right now. I have needs I shared with him that I took responsibility for and took care of my part, but he failed on his part and keeps showing me he doesn’t understand that failure. I’m sharing some details for clarity, but I’m not so interested in that.

I’d love your advice on how heavily to weigh this feeling not safe in our marriage. Is this a huge breach of my trust in my husband (I think so...)? What questions should I be asking myself?


I’m alone in Italy, everyone important in my husband’s life is white and Italian, and I don’t like Italian food or culture. So, I took responsibility for that situation because after all, I chose to be in this situation:

I need to have two or three close friends that I can hang out with once a month. So, I searched, asked, and found an art club on facebook and went to the club and participated multiple times. Through there, I found two nice friends (and many others I call friendly acquaintances). I found another friend through facebook. I hang out with them once a month or so like I like. I’m happy with that.

I need to have my own space where I can put my own stuff and no one touches it, and no one can go inside. This is especially the case in Italy. I personally started searching online for Turin apartments while I was in New York since August 2017. I wanted (1) to be in a neighborhood with mostly brown people close to the open air market, (2) I wanted a room to myself for my office and just to have my own space.

What’s going on now.

March, April, May, June, July, August, we physically looked for apartments. I’m used to looking and finding an apartment in at most three months. Normal is two months to visit, sign, offer, and close. We both compromised without landing on any apartments my husband likes. By June, I lost patience and became resentful. I felt he sabotaged my getting an apartment twice (because of a small kitchen, and because of a ‘vibe’ on the street he didn’t like).

He has everything here. He has 8 close friends in town. He has his mommy, his sister, his grandma, his uncles (2 of them), his aunts (2 of them). I have nothing here. He has the apartment his mom owns and where his 35-year-old sister and he 33 lives for free. Their mom comes to do their laundry, folds their clothes, sweeps the floor, wash the dishes, organize closets, pay to fix appliances, does their grocery shopping, and cooks them food. He has too much to the point it’s embarrassing. Beyond abundant.

I have nothing but him here. The apartment is what I need. It’s not actually for him.


The only thing I needed was my own room where I can close the door. my husband knew why I need it. He should know and respect who I am. I waited so long, that I am giving up on what I need and taking what I can get.

+ + +

Along the way, as we searched, he called for appointments, we saw houses, these things happened. I wrote him this, in anger:

No to the apartment, Yes to the beach:
You suggested we get an apartment later and instead, use what I saved to go to the beach. It's only you who wants to go to the beach. So then, when will you be able to save 2,500 euros to get an apartment? You will be able to save $200 a month at most for an apartment. That will take 12 months. Next time you save thousands of dollars for something specific, can I suggest I use it just for myself? I would never do that. You wanted me to wait to move into an apartment January 2019. That's disrespectful.

Alone paying New York rent
I told you I was struggling to pay rent by myself over the phone, at the time you said you have no responsibility, it's not your problem. That's disrespectful. I paid $10,000+ total for six months rent in New York on my own without help while you were in Turin. It was terrible. I had no money, and was left with nothing. Next time you have to work your ass off to spend tens of thousands of dollars on something because of me and I can't help, can I tell you I don't care? I don't think I would ever do that. Anyways, I still came to Italy in January for some reason.
I don't care about the money. I'm explaining this to show how off-balance things are: What I did (work my ass off specifically because of you) versus what you've said.

I don't care that I had to work my ass of because of you. That's what being in a partnership with someone is.

I DO care that I don't feel at peace.You told me, "I said I'm sorry about your position in New York." That sorry does not make me feel at peace with everything you did.

I need you to explain to me that you understand your role in this, that you caused these things. I want you to resolve this so I can move on.

Most days we're doing fine. For you, every day is great. It is also not healthy to let your partner standing next to you to hold anger and resentment against you, without you talking it out it properly.

+ + +

Simply, I told him that I need my own space. I have no interest in having so much proximity to his family, his sister, his mom, his aunt, his grandma. I can see one family member every two weeks.

He didn’t take my need seriously or take his part of the responsibility, so now, his grandma calls me every day three times a day. I don’t pick up anymore because I don’t want to talk to his grandma that I can barely communicate with who only pressures me to do what I tell her I don’t want to do. So now, I get pissed off when his family shows up unannounced. It’s their house and they don’t come only to see me obviously. They’re coming to see him and his sister who live here. I don’t need to be in this situation. I don’t care and stay in my room but his mom will knock on the door and tell me “we’re out here.” I’m put in a situation that a child would be in, that inevitably makes me look like a child and be treated like a child.

For color, the house we're staying in is extremely dirty- dusty, moldy, sticky. I've cleaned so much and bought new stuff for that house that isn't mine. I'm in an italian family, so of course I still get told what to do in the house.

Overall, my husband still thinks it’s not such a big deal and that I just need to be patient.

I’m sharing some details for clarity, but I’m not so interested in that.

I’d love your advice on how heavily to weigh this feeling not safe in our marriage. Is this a huge breach of my trust in my husband (I think so...)? What questions should I be asking myself?